everything.always.sounds.so.good.
gahhhhh.
Monday, September 26, 2011
*um yum?
Why am I always hungry? I mean, I sit here and I feel hungry. I wake up hungry. I wish I had an appetite suppressant, because I sure could use it, haha. I am actually trying to lose weight, and this "I feel hungry, I want to eat" bit is not helping at all!!! I just like food.... obviously. I wish I were a super picky eater, then maybe I wouldn't have a problem!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
rain
I'm not sure what it is about hearing the rain tenderly tap against the window sill, but it sounded so refreshing and pure in the darkness of the night. I think that is one of my most favorite things-- hearing the rain at night. It comforts the darkness in a cool way.
I used to be terrified of storms. Perhaps the very unsuspecting ways in which I wasn't sure what was to come from them... but now? I relish storms. Sure, sometimes thunder and lightning frighten me [well, the getting struck by it is what does it, ha]; but hearing the rain come down feels like I'm being cleansed right down to my bone.
Fresh start.
Change.
I'm soaking in change more and more. I'm seeing myself coloring outside the lines and being OK with that notion. Being perfect is restricting in that sense.
no more boundaries.
just living.
free.
Monday, September 12, 2011
flattery.
I feel like I am redundant when I write that, "life is just interesting." That's all I have to say about that. It really is.
I never would have pictured my life where it is now. In some regard, it flatters me. In another light, it shows all the flaws that I'd rather hide.
Tonight, in some weird way, I had a friend tell me that his roommate found me very pretty. He saw my photo some how because of him. I thought, wow that's really nice. And I ended up interacting via text with this guy, and he is a few years older than me. Nothing wrong with that... until he gets defensive when I asked how tall he was. Now, I don't think it's a shallow thing-- but I'm sorry, I just can't go out with someone who is shorter than me. I don't feel like a "woman" with a short guy. I feel like I'm with a child, if that. I dated a couple shorter fellows, and I just never could feel completely confident or comfortable. I sure can tell you how I feel when I'm with a taller man. I feel secure, safe, confident. I'm going to stick to that... I don't care how many times you try to convince me otherwise. Sorry guy, I'm not interested. And the funny thing with that is, I was very nice about it; and he got extremely defensive and saying it wasn't "Christian" of me. Really, you're going to throw that out there at me? I said everyone has their preferences. I can't help that I prefer a taller guy. And he just said 'whatever, good night.' Hmm, thanks for showing your true age of 15 years old.
Things like this just disappoint me. It's like, "oh sure, of course someone who finds me attractive is not attractive to me OR tall." I just realized something about this encounter, though... I could think, "well shoot, whatever, no one else is pursuing me... give him a chance, be that "nice girl who never says no to a guy because you feel bad about saying no & hey you get a free meal out of the deal." But then that leads to you having to deal with the wrath of 1-being a big "B" because you got a free meal & led him on, and 2- knowing my history with guys, he'd probably turn crazy and stalk me. Sheesh.
But really, what brief lesson I figured out is: don't settle. absolutely. do. NOT SETTLE.
Of course, I knew this, right? I think so... I think? Again, I realized my heart has been saying, "hey, don't worry about this-n-that about that guy, he seems 'good enough,' plus you're attracted to him; ignore his bad habits, ignore that he uses profanity, ignore that he is a party goer, ignore that he drinks in excess, ignore... Ignore?"
And as I was contemplating these past situations, my friend told me about this song by Nichole Nordeman- "Beautiful For Me":
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me...
And you know what else? My mom does not like my new hair color. You'd think, 'big deal, it's just hair!' right? Wrong! I wish she would be supportive of me & the decisions I make. But I am never good enough... that's how I feel. I can't ever make the "right" decision-- but really, it is I don't make the decisions she wants me to. I'm not sure how to live up to her higher than high expectations. I really don't...
Now all my friends say they like my hair color [and I didn't even have to ASK, they gladly praised me about it]; to which my mom said that they weren't being truthful to me, that they just said it because that's what they had to say... Really? Thanks... all I know is, with those lyrics above, I'm going to make sure my daughter knows she's beautiful, no matter what. I'm going to tell my nieces that, too. They deserve it.
Everyone has something that hurts them... huh?
It's hard and it hurts sometimes; and another thing is that I want to find someone & just know... I wish my desires weren't so grand at times. I dream of a fairy tale... and maybe what I really long for is Heaven.
Pure beauty.
Life-time romance.
Perfection.
There's so much to be thankful for, and I am blessed, I know it. When I see the face of one of my sweet nieces or nephews, I just know. I know. That is love. It is innocent. It is real. Their love for you is something that cannot be described. You feel it. You live it... you breathe it.
It is beautiful...
and that, is what I'm waiting for.
"dear true love, I'm a writer without any words, I'm a story that nobody heard, when I'm without you..."
I never would have pictured my life where it is now. In some regard, it flatters me. In another light, it shows all the flaws that I'd rather hide.
Tonight, in some weird way, I had a friend tell me that his roommate found me very pretty. He saw my photo some how because of him. I thought, wow that's really nice. And I ended up interacting via text with this guy, and he is a few years older than me. Nothing wrong with that... until he gets defensive when I asked how tall he was. Now, I don't think it's a shallow thing-- but I'm sorry, I just can't go out with someone who is shorter than me. I don't feel like a "woman" with a short guy. I feel like I'm with a child, if that. I dated a couple shorter fellows, and I just never could feel completely confident or comfortable. I sure can tell you how I feel when I'm with a taller man. I feel secure, safe, confident. I'm going to stick to that... I don't care how many times you try to convince me otherwise. Sorry guy, I'm not interested. And the funny thing with that is, I was very nice about it; and he got extremely defensive and saying it wasn't "Christian" of me. Really, you're going to throw that out there at me? I said everyone has their preferences. I can't help that I prefer a taller guy. And he just said 'whatever, good night.' Hmm, thanks for showing your true age of 15 years old.
Things like this just disappoint me. It's like, "oh sure, of course someone who finds me attractive is not attractive to me OR tall." I just realized something about this encounter, though... I could think, "well shoot, whatever, no one else is pursuing me... give him a chance, be that "nice girl who never says no to a guy because you feel bad about saying no & hey you get a free meal out of the deal." But then that leads to you having to deal with the wrath of 1-being a big "B" because you got a free meal & led him on, and 2- knowing my history with guys, he'd probably turn crazy and stalk me. Sheesh.
But really, what brief lesson I figured out is: don't settle. absolutely. do. NOT SETTLE.
Of course, I knew this, right? I think so... I think? Again, I realized my heart has been saying, "hey, don't worry about this-n-that about that guy, he seems 'good enough,' plus you're attracted to him; ignore his bad habits, ignore that he uses profanity, ignore that he is a party goer, ignore that he drinks in excess, ignore... Ignore?"
And as I was contemplating these past situations, my friend told me about this song by Nichole Nordeman- "Beautiful For Me":
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me...
And you know what else? My mom does not like my new hair color. You'd think, 'big deal, it's just hair!' right? Wrong! I wish she would be supportive of me & the decisions I make. But I am never good enough... that's how I feel. I can't ever make the "right" decision-- but really, it is I don't make the decisions she wants me to. I'm not sure how to live up to her higher than high expectations. I really don't...
Now all my friends say they like my hair color [and I didn't even have to ASK, they gladly praised me about it]; to which my mom said that they weren't being truthful to me, that they just said it because that's what they had to say... Really? Thanks... all I know is, with those lyrics above, I'm going to make sure my daughter knows she's beautiful, no matter what. I'm going to tell my nieces that, too. They deserve it.
Everyone has something that hurts them... huh?
It's hard and it hurts sometimes; and another thing is that I want to find someone & just know... I wish my desires weren't so grand at times. I dream of a fairy tale... and maybe what I really long for is Heaven.
Pure beauty.
Life-time romance.
Perfection.
There's so much to be thankful for, and I am blessed, I know it. When I see the face of one of my sweet nieces or nephews, I just know. I know. That is love. It is innocent. It is real. Their love for you is something that cannot be described. You feel it. You live it... you breathe it.
It is beautiful...
and that, is what I'm waiting for.
"dear true love, I'm a writer without any words, I'm a story that nobody heard, when I'm without you..."
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