So Let's Be Honest.

so let's be honest.

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What a difference a year can make... even from this. God is good! [[Psalm 16:8~I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.]]

Taken from my Facebook note.

Monday, July 20, 2009 at 6:43am | Edit Note | Delete

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10


Am I found beautiful? I asked myself last night.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet.
Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

Well...Because I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires.
That looks good, I think... but is it good for me?
Am I worth it?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Okay. I'm done. Really.
I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I had to say goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

Yes..."He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks.
It questions, worries, wonders, hurts...
and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-

And what does that mean?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

Lily of the Valleys...
They are one of my favorite flowers.
They are a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?


To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.


What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
I wouldn't even recognize who I used to be.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Two-to-three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted my own life.
Because of my decisions, a reputation was made. A loss of time I'll never get back. A period of my life where I was drained completely.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
Addictions. Manipulation. Scorn.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was wrapped up in trying to help someone else rather than helping myself. I couldn't be their god. I couldn't be anything because of where I was at.
I was too content playing in the puddles, that I didn't want to see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
Give up my addictions, my pain, my hurt? It was the only thing I had left to hold onto in my heart.
But oh, what a break-through.
He desires me. All of me. [And He desires you just the same.]
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I was standing on the edge from falling.
The only voice I heard was His. An ever-constant friend. He took every opportunity to show me his love.
It's more than I deserved.
To give over my hurts, pains, addictions- -
That was the beauty of it all.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild the scattered pieces that were broken.
He is our ultimate knight in shining armor, our Prince. He will do anything to protect us, to love us, to cherish us. He loves this sinner so much, that he died so I could LIVE.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

...Now I was asking why.

I'm figuring this out as I go, so let's be honest. Why do we hold onto things that are bad for us? Perhaps it is our desires for certain things, but more importantly, what is holding us back from our full potential?
Is it your addiction to ____?
Is it your need for _____?
Is it your desire for _____?
Let's get serious.
Why are you still living in a world that has nothing to offer you? It can't possibly buy you happinesss. It can't buy you love.
It can't give, it only takes.
What is this world taking from you?
Why are you holding on so tightly to your pain? Why are you covering up your wounds by doing things that are harmful to you? I'm telling you right now, from what I went through, you are just suffocating yourself from what God desires of you. You're being deceived & controlled. It's about time you wake-up. Stop using your pain as an excuse to not reach your potential.
Is it worth it?


You know, maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I DO NOT understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
But in my heart I know it's true.
But the whole, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no. Don't even go there.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why...
I am still where I am.
the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
feelings aren't reciprocated.
the timing isn't right yet.
I see the character, strength, honesty, love & wild spirit of a heart.
my heart has changed in more ways than I could express.
I wonder why... about a lot of things.
So I see this greater journey I'm not on yet.
Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what's left for me?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see, to bring Him glory.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
It isn't so complicated afterall.

So let's be honest. True beauty isn't what is seen, but what is unseen. To radiate the heart & love of God, to find your purpose in him; you will be noticed, admired, loved, cherished.


If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy by the one who created it.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
The best I know is yet to come.
And the last thing I hear right now is,
"Wait on Me."




"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..."
-'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Something Bigger.

"It is enough to deal with one's own sinful heart than to throw in the mix of another. It takes time. He continued to pray for her, that she would hold on until he could come meet her there."

I'm hoping that's where you're at. That you're praying for me, as I am praying for you.

I will admit I have fallen a time or two from this prayer for your heart-- but it's something I feel tugging on my heart as the closer I feel we get.

Maybe it's just a wild dream I wish to play out in reality.

But maybe it's not.

I think of times where I feel so alone, but then I'm constantly reminded of all the love around me-- from family, friends, and from the Lord-- he constantly is after my heart. When I feel I'm drifting away, he runs out to bring me back in. He's never going to let go. He's never going to walk away from me. Only I did that to myself. For so long... I walked away.

But now that I've made mistakes, matured, and see things from a different perspective, I see something flourishing from the fruit I have planted. And with his help, he is pruning away the bad, to reveal the good. The fruit produced in my waiting.

It was hard and painful, like I always say; but it was worth it. This is worth it.

I may tease about being "practically perfect in every way"-- the line I like to use from "Mary Poppins"-- But I am far from it.

Surprise.

Sometimes I convince myself that I don't deserve it.

And "it" being finding love.

I guess the dreamy, chronic-romantic in me hopes so much that he's in reach, that he's so close to me. I feel this more-so now than ever before. Marriage doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did before. I don't think that it has to be scary when someone else is there holding you throughout it all. For better or worse-- that commitment remains. Forever.

I suppose that was the main scary part that I felt I wasn't good enough for that.

But maybe it was because I wasn't ready to hold another's heart as close as I hold mine.

It's interesting the analogy the Lord uses as the vine & branches, and how we bare fruit-- from our lives.

And my friend used to always say to me-- "Lauren, you are an apple atop of the tree. Wait for the man who dares to reach up and get you."

I don't think I thought I was that special for a very long time.

That I was just another apple on the ground-- getting kicked around, walked past, stumbled upon.

Nothing special.

But that apple rotted. It died.

The seeds remained.

They planted something deep within the earth-- cultivating something beautiful to be seen.

But it wasn't my time yet.

I was growing.

Mending and forming for a new birth.

The fragrance of his love.

The little sprout began to grow.

Like the branches, it became sturdy in strength from his love.

Tender care.

Pruning away.

The blossom started to be seen.

The fruit from my heart is showing.

Here I am.

An apple on top of the tree.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to dare and reach for me.

We will stand amazed in the discovery of each other.

I have no doubts about that.

I think he's silently praying right now.

Making sure it's right-- that he's right where he needs to be.

He's scared to reach, but the Lord will provide the peace.

He will give him the strength he needs to win over my heart.

I believe this with all my heart.

This is the something bigger

That I've waited for.

gone fishin'

There's one thing I love about fishing...

...Sitting in the middle of a lake [or whatever body of water it may be] and watching the sun peek through the clouds, and quietly settling on the horizon and vanishing into

the abyss.

There is just something so calming and refreshing about this aspect of fishing. Now as being the observer I am, maybe I wouldn't have noticed it so much if I was fishing. Yes... I was just watching my nieces and nephew fish with my Dad. And it made me wish I was young again. Not having to deal with all the worries and wonders of life just yet; and just fish and watch the sun. It's almost as if time stands still for a moment-- and you're able to see the beauty in that.

I love listening to the water move while the boat skims atop the water. There is just something peaceful about it as well. The kids were all excited when they caught little Blue Gills; in fact, my niece Bryanna caught a 12" Bass! She was really excited, but she was scared of it... it was wiggling all around-- but I got a picture with it-- a silly one at that.

It was an enjoyable Father's Day-- and I wish my Dad & I went fishing when I was younger. I only remember a few times we ever went... but we can only move forward in life. We can't dwell on the past-- but make up for what we have in the here & now...

Which I've decided that, whatever happens... the Lord knows the way we will tread in the waters that we're swimming in. Sometimes there are storms that want to drown us, but He'll always keep us afloat, even when it seems impossible. And then we have time to just lay on our backs and float down stream... in the calm waters that give us peace.

I have peace about life right now, even when things seem unclear. There's a passion in my heart for greater things-- things I can't even begin to describe. But I'm always hopeful that this time around, it will be right. Sometimes I'm wrong, but that's okay. It changes me and helps me to grow into who I need to be. I think we're always in that path of changing no matter who we encounter.

I guess I'm just waiting... floating on down the river of peace... waiting to bump into another who has been waiting too. It's a funny thing; love. When you aren't paying attention, you run right into it. I feel like I wasn't paying much attention, or had my attention on someone else, rather; and something about the way he looked at me & shook my hand, made me think back to that moment I had shrugged off... Perhaps it's my hopeful state again, wishing for that to be something more... but there was just something about him-- his mischievous grin and playful eyes that brought me back to the first

moment we met....

Maybe it's just a dream in the making from my mind... but maybe it's something I've been waiting for...

just relax.

"those that wait on the Lord rise up on wings like eagles;

so we can start to see things from His point of view;

that way we will walk and not faint...run and not grow weary..."

help me Lord, to let this go...

to let this not be another distraction...

I have grown so much this year. People have come into my life that I would have never saw coming.

Picture it. Discover it.

Planting the seed to see it grow.

The fragrance, the beauty.

It is awakening, blooming.

My gardener carefully pruned away the bad, to reveal the good.

The beauty beneath the sorrow, the pain, the grief.

The beauty within that is bursting to be revealed.

The Lord gave me a provision:

There were two different occasions that come to mind. Both happened in prayer, in silence.

The first one was a detailed pathway to get to the top of this mountain. I was pushing past the brush and trees. It was dark, but the sun peeked through the branches. It was a light guiding me to my destination. I finally reached a clearing, and sat awhile to ponder my journey. This lasted for some time. I needed to rest. I had been through a lot.

The next picture was myself standing at the parting of two trees. I walked closer and closer, and all I saw was blue skies, the sun shining so brightly. I looked around in awe of my surroundings; the view. It was breath-taking. "So this is what I waited for? This is where my journey brought me to? This is utterly amazing." And there in front of me, was the Lord. He faced me like a lover would. He embraced me. He began to tell me how he sees the bigger picture; he guided me exactly where I needed to go, even with all the detours and tiresome pathways. It was all for a reason. He told me how much he loved me, and wanted me to see what he sees-- his point of view on where I had been, and what he had in store for me. The horizon was so vast and wide, it was remarkable to think that, I was just in a forest, not being able to see anything but my surroundings. But now I saw what the Lord saw. "This is how much I love you. Never forget that."

I had to soak in the beauty of the journey... of the wait.

I had to learn how to love myself; I had to fall in love with my Maker before anything else. To face him as a lover...

The second came to me like a rushing flood. I was sitting in my room, just being quiet. A picture was painted in my mind. I was on the beach [which I love], just soaking up the beautiful colors dancing in the sky made by the sun going down so perfectly on the water. It happens every day, but it is beautiful each time in its own way. Then a man came and sat down beside me. It was Jesus. He put his arm around me, just hugging me and talking with me. We talked about a lot of things. But the only thing I remember is, how much he wanted me to know that he loved me, so much. And that he told me, "you see as far as you need to. There is a vast ocean in front of you, and you can't see the end of it-- but it's there just the same, just like it always has been. So has my love. And I want you to know that's how much I love you... as far & as wide as the ocean's view... Just as the sun rises and the sun sets, I will always love you. And I want you to know that there is a whole world in front of you, and you're ready to see it. Come with me. Let's go."

And with that, I told him I knew he loved me; very much so. His beauty is enough evidence of that with the way it strikes my heart and soul each time. And we walked along side each other as friends... neither one ahead or behind, but side-by-side, his hand in mine.

It's funny how things like that happen, and we second-guess the beauty and simplicity of the message. But indeed did I hear the Lord in both situations. It was confirmed to me later that week during a conference. The speaker told us how, in order to see God as our lover, we have to be face-to-face with him & really learn to love him first. And in order to be his friend, we have to journey together side-by-side, so we can be ready to see what he has in store for us; the bigger picture.

Next time, I don't think I need to wonder....

You know what's hard though? Waiting. Even though I get the message each time, waiting plain stinks. Time and time again, I feel the words "patience, wait, trust" being spoken to me through others or through him. And I'm at that point where I'm thinking, "Really? MORE waiting. For what? I'm ready. Pick me. Can we go yet?" And the Lord replying, "Not yet." And you know what? I'm strangely okay with it more-so now that ever before. I never thought I'd reach this point of being OKAY with where I am at in life. Then a part of me really wants life to move ahead; I want to go to the place that he's preparing for me. But for some reason unknown to me, I still need to wait. And you think, "what am I even waiting for? Is there something that good out there that's taking its time so that it will be great?" Yup, it's true; I just can't see it yet.

But all I know is, that he's made something beautiful in its time; I can be a light in all the dark places, waiting to be found. And I know that when I reach that point where he says, "you don't need to wait any longer; it's here waiting for you," then I know I'm going to be blown away and extremely blessed by it. I will be amazed. I have hope in that. I put my trust in that. I'm praying for that every day.

Come soon. I'm waiting for you.

We are diamonds waiting to be found, catching light in the corners of our eyes...

We are made of love, and all the beauty stemming from it.

polished

it isn't always about the physical; it's about the emotional depths you reach that cannot be expressed as with describing one's beauty. The real connection lies underneath two hearts that are connected by the soul; and to find something like that is rare.

fav. lyrics:

owl city-butterfly wings

Asleep in a warm cocoon
We dream of lovely things
Were both gonna wake up soon
So we hope that tomorrow brings us our butterfly wings

Swimming with Dolphins- everything's a miracle

I've got the brightest star you'll ever find,
Even the sun is jealous of the way you shine.
We are the constellations in the sky,
Wrap me up in your arms,
It's beautiful when time is ours, and everything's a miracle.

jaded.

..."Have your actions shown love? well I don't really think so. I'm left blinded and battered on the floor. I thought you were good, I thought I could trust you. I'm deeply jaded, and I'm walking out that door..."

I'm left jaded. In all... I never thought I'd feel the sting of caring and trusting people too much. I've been blinded by the actions, because my heart always wants to see the good in everything.

To maybe a fraction of an understanding, I think I get what God means by acting as a jealous lover; our rejection of him when he pursues us, and constantly running away when all he wants to do is love us perfectly.

I'm hurt. And I can't believe I'm so trusting.

I may trust too easily
I may care too deeply
But never have I regretted loving the way I'm supposed to.

But I'm sorry you blinded me
Through everything I held so near.
I'm sorry I always saw the good in your heart.

You left me jaded once more.

roots.

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." — C.S. Lewis

I really should not be blogging right now; instead I should be on my way to work; but the thoughts are itching and scratching at the surface...

I saw this quote from a friend, and I thought to myself...

"I have committed to myself in wanting what is best; God's best for my life. But it hadn't crossed my mind that it would have to be painful in the process."

Wow. How had that not crossed my mind?

Because right now... at times, it is so painful, and I wonder if the best really IS worth it... when, I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I look at this current situation of my heart... and yes, it has taken my breath away too many times, I lost track. But it was all for bringing out the best in me; making me better in the long run. And it was painful. But it birthed something new, something fully alive.

So... was it worth it?

Yes.

I can look back to where I used to be, and think... "Wow. Look how far I have come! Look how my heart has changed."

And with that I should be saying, "the pain was worth it." But I sometimes want to forget the pain and think it was nothing at all.

And what I'm dealing with at this moment, I think to myself... "This is so hard. What am I waiting for? Everyone keeps telling me to not wait around for it to happen... don't let something else pass you by... I don't know if it's even worth it..."

But even so, with my heart in pain, I say... "This is it. This is what I have been waiting for. But, it's not mine yet. I have to wait. And that hurts. It is painful. But I am hopeful. I don't have any idea why, but I am. Am I foolish? Only time will tell. But I don't think so. Why I feel so strongly is beyond my comprehension at this point. I just have faith. And because I want the best, this will be one of the most painful experiences--because of the wait. More and more waiting. Hoping. Trusting. And with that, I could get tremendously hurt. But I have a stronger relationship with God than ever before. HE has captured my heart once again. I know he won't let me fall. He loves me. Beyond anything. Beyond reason. He didn't promise this life to be easy. But he is good. He is wild. He wants what is best for me, and it's going to be painful to get where I need to be. It has already been so. But he knows the desires of my heart. He knows the path on which I take I want to glorify him. He knows that I long for a husband. He knows. And since I want the best he has... this isn't going to be easy. Another is involved. And if he isn't complying, well, I think it will be even harder. Even longer the wait. Should I give up? Do I look foolish? Maybe to most. But there's just something that I can't look away from. There's just something there. And, it is going to be painful to watch it walk away from me time and time again. To have to wait for him to notice me. To have him see something worth pursuing. Sometimes, you don't see something that is right there in front of you because you aren't even looking. I know in some way, what it feels like to be that jilted lover, like God is to us. It hurts. It's painful. But the reward will come in the end."

... I've planted the seed. It's growing roots. Soon enough, it will bloom. And the pain it went through won't look so bad through the beauty it will reveal.

article:waiting

http://www.kyria.com/topics/spiritualformation/theologyspiritualissues/mind0415.html?start=3

...And as long as there's life in my heart, I know I can keep waiting and trusting and hoping for the day when God will bring answers to the deeper questions I'm wrestling with.

Learn to rest.

"Cease striving and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10, NASB). I can't count how many times that verse has made me stop in my tracks and realize that all my hard work and all the self-help books in the world will never bring about the kind of lasting change I long to see in my life. And it takes God speaking those simple words for me to realize, again, that instead of laying out ten quick steps to becoming a godlier woman, instead of burdening me with more that I need to do, God is instead inviting me to rest. He's instead calling me into relationship with him, inviting me to get to know his heart and his character. He's instead speaking to me of his love, of his delight in me, of his desire to sit with me for awhile and talk.

I'm so good at letting the trap of busyness consume me, at working tirelessly at every area in my life that I'm not satisfied with. But it's only when I step back from all that hard work and finally rest that my thirsty soul is actually satisfied, and that peace and balance are restored to my striving, unrestful spirit.

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Okay, Jesus, I will.

Yes, the season of waiting is difficult. But our roots go down deep as we wait and trust and hope in God. So whether you're waiting for guidance in a major decision, or waiting for a broken heart to heal, or waiting for love, or waiting for a clear career path to unfold, know that Jesus longs to walk with you right here, right now.

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a child-like 'What's next, Papa?'" (Romans 8, The Message)

Expectant. Hopeful. Confident. Now that's what I want to be known for in my season of waiting.

the waking bloom: waiting in stillness

Progress.

I was reminded tonight of the "waking bloom" inside of me.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.- Ecc. 3:11

In order to find the beauty, you must let life happen; you can't make it happen. You'll miss the point in waiting.

my bloom is being cultivated.

it's growing, yes.

it's also dying from its old ways.

so the new can transform beneath.

it's all about transformation.

and that takes time.

we can't rush the process.

if we do, we won't be ready.

I'm not ready yet.

I opened the door to my waiting period.

I planted the seeds to grow.

Now I'm waiting.

I've only just begun.

I'm discovering. It's a wintery season. But I take heart.

Because I know spring will soon come.

I must wait it out.

And when the right time comes.

...it will spring forth new life.

A transformation into something beautiful.

and it was all in its time.

I can't wait.

But I can.

I'm waiting for the best...

...for the best is yet to come.

"Something to be excited for... we will hopefully all wake up and change; ready to fly away upon release." -him

"Yes, I like that. It makes me excited..."-Me

"The waking bloom."- him

"You remembered..."-Me

...many waters cannot quench the love I have for you.

never forget.

the long way around

I love books.

I love the time I actually have TO read them.

Well, ...maybe it's more like... I should be doing other things with my time,

but... I feel this is necessary.

And it will only improve my time when I have it.

I hope.

I finally picked up "Sacred Romance" by Eldredge. I let out a quiet "yay" in the library at school when I found it. I finished reading "Waking the Dead" last week. I think I've read all of his books. Oh, I also read "Epic" in one sitting by him, haha. I love it.

So, I have yet to start that one, but I randomly, or as I like to say... not-so-randomly found this book called "When the Heart Waits," by Sue Kidd. Classic. Now ya wonder why THAT one stuck out to me? ha ha.

I love it already.

She writes about her mid-life crisis, but it's no different than the period I'm in now.

She realized God was showing her that she needed to be still in her waiting.

That by building her 'cocoon,' something beautiful and wonderful will form underneath.

From the outside perspective, you can't see what's happening inside.

But you're conscious of it. You are aware.

But you have to be patient.

You have to wait.

You have to be still.

Because when the right time comes, a beautiful butterfly will transform.

It will spread its wings.

It will fly.

p20. "God is offering an invitation. A call to waiting. A call to the mysteries of the cocoon. I discovered that in the spiritual life, the long way around is the saving way. It isn't the quick and easy religion we're accustomed to. It's deep and difficult-- a way that leads into the vortex of the soul where we touch God's transformative powers. But we have to be patient. We have to let go and tap our creative stillness. Most of all, we have to trust that our scarred hearts really do have wings."

p43. "To create newness you have to cover the soul and let grace rise. You must come to the place where there's nothing to do but brood, as God brooded over the deep, and pray and be still and trust that the holiness that ferments the galaxies is working in you too. Only wait...

And somehow the transformation you knew would never come, that impossible plumping of fresh life and revelation, does come. It manifests itself in unseen slowness. So it would happen to me and so it will happen to all who set out to knead their pain and wounds, their hopes and hungers, into bread. Waiting is the yeasting of the human soul."

I guess this will be more a journal for me. Well, it is anyway. And it's so much faster to type than write it all out. ;)

I can relate to what she means by the butterfly. I have had dreams about colorful butterflies before... and I knew at the time it meant my heart was transforming... it wasn't all for nothing. The waiting... I was only just beginning...

And now, I have felt that wintery season is still upon me. I'm still waiting to see the blossoms from the covered seeds that are deep within the ground. Spring will come... and in my wait, something beautiful will come from it. But I can't rush it. I can't fast-forward the waiting period. I will miss something. There is always beauty in the wait.

I just have to remember that.

While my heart waits.

For something unseen...

[[writing about the bulbs of daffodils]]

p46. "I was struck by how extraordinary their feat really was --those delicate shoots breaking through the soil, through all the darkness I'd heaped on them. I wondered if that was the same mystery going on in the soil of my own life. Was there a truer, more whole self buried in me under layers of heaped darkness? Was I being asked to break through the layers of my false selves and let the True Self emerge?"

p47. "God calls us to tend what lies seeded in the soul, this kernel of our truest nature--the God-image or True Self."

"There is something in the soul which is only God. I can't think of anything that creates such a feeling of awe in me." -Eckhart

"We are to grow up in every way into...Christ." -Eph 4:15

"Throughout our lives we create patterns of living that obscure this identity [of being like Christ]. We heap on the darkness, constructing a variety of false selves. We become adept at playing games, wearing masks as if life were a masquerade party. This can go on for a long while. But eventually the music of the True Self seeks us out. Sooner or later [often in mid-life], we're summoned back to the garden. We're called to soul-work."

p48. "...the soul was like a precious field from which we must 'root out the useless grasses, thorns, and briars' in order to reveal the beauty of God's image glistening in the soil. To Hildegard, sin was failing to care for the soul, failing to water it and give it what she called 'greening power.' The saddest thing, to Hildegard, was a 'drooping soul.'"

Why worry?
I know...
I know what you need,
and when you need it.


...Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.

make like houdini

I can be over it
I can be over you.
But I really don't want to
When all you have to do
Is say my name
And look at me that way.
I don't wanna be over it
I don't wanna be over you.
But I gotta move on
So someone else can see
What you didn't want to.

I love when I come across others thoughts that I so needed to read.

This part comes from Mrs Leslie M, and her always timely thoughts.

"For example, if you are a guy and there is a girl who is all over you, always around you, incessently talking to you and desperate for your attention... it is highly unlikely that romance will bud. However, if there is a girl who has mystery, who has kept you at a distance, who doesn't feel the need to flaunt herself and isn't desperate for your attention... she is almost irresistible. Playing "hard to get" is almost always a sure bet that attention will follow...."

Yeah, this reads a "hello Lauren.... what have you been thinking?"

I have been that girl, always there, always available, always seeking attention.

And it is against everything I believe in.

But I do it... why?

....I think I figured out that, I've been at both opposite extremes, but never finding a real balance.

I've been that girl who has been quiet, mysterious, slow to open, and no one has pursued.

I've been that girl who has been outgoing, talkative, open, and no one has pursued.

I've been that girl... who has so wanted someone to see who I am--that I've been too open, honest, and revealing before the right time.

But it's not easy to refrain when you click with someone, and you just want the friendship to flow into a relationship.

But I haven't allowed myself to be hidden enough... for him TO pursue.

To want to know more about me, to want to know what drives my heart, because he already knows it.

I give too much away, too soon.

I should be so hidden in God, that a man would have to seek him to find me.

So, here's my heart. I'm going to be in hiding for some time.

Until the right one seeks God with all his heart,

In order to find mine.

Keep praying for me... to keep this vow. To keep growing, loving, pursuing a sweet, precious relationship with the Lord... and that in all my desires and wants, he holds, he hides, until it's ready.

Until it's the right time for love to awaken.

And I won't have to be a babbling brook for him to notice me,

But quiet waters, for him to seek and draw out, and find comfort in.

I pray for him. I pray even more for his heart during this time.

love.

If I don't say it enough, I want to say it right now. My friends & family: you all mean so much to me, every one of you. The ones who bring me laughter & joy; the ones who challenge me to be a better woman in the Lord; the ones who take care of me & lend an ear. Life is like a vapor; here one moment, gone the next. For... every last one of you, I love you & I don't take you for granted. [1 John 4:7]