I'm so used to feeling [this]; I wonder how it even surprises me anymore. Good girls seem to finish last.... to whatever is left...

You like her over me.

Surprise.

You want that girl over me.

Surprise.

You want someone easy over me.

Surprise.

You want that? Really.

should I be surprised at myself?

not that he was ever mine to begin with...

but that a quiet sigh of relief has come across me?

As to this, I'm used to.

Being the last one standing...

Always questioning what could be wrong...

but realizing that everything is right where it needs to be.

I'm right where I need to be.

He's off liking someone else.

Well okay.

My heart says it's unfair.

My mind says it's unfair.

But God's ways are just.

He knows...

The best is yet to come.

I want his best. over anything.

Even this.

What I think I need.

What I think I want.

I want HIS best.

because I fall so short of choosing that for myself.

it's better to wait and discover

all that is in store

than to leap at all the presents

when I could have waited

for the very right one for me

that was hidden

that I didn't see

but I chose something else.

because I couldn't wait.

but that's not how this is going to turn out.

this time.

I'm waiting.

for the best.

reading.reflection

I just read this wonderful post.

I love when writing affects me in this way.

Zephaniah 3:17~"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

"If our attention is on who or what we want rather than on God's desire for us, we will miss out on hearing his best for us..."

Our confidence and our hope should come from who we are in Christ— firstand foremost. It's what you and I simply must cling to, so that we are not living in despair and so that our lives (hearts and minds) will be open and free to be available for what God wants to do in and through our lives. I know it is hard. I am there right now, too. But I must tell you that in this dry season, long though it may be, I have grown closer in my walk with the Lord. And he has worked in my life to correct and to change, to push me out of my comfort zone and to help others. What a source of comfort and hope he is to me in times when I am weak and feel unloved! I am thankful for how he has blessed my life and drawn me closer to him during this time period. Whether or not you are being pursued, whether or not you have a boyfriend, whether or not you are on the track to getting married, it does not define who you are or your value or what your purpose is here on earth. Remember that. Remember that you are created in God's image. I'll say it again: He made you in his image (Genesis 1:26-27). He sent his Son to earth for you (John 1:1-4). He has pursued you since the beginning of time and continues to constantly pursue YOU and wants relationship with you and desires to show you his love (Zephaniah 3:17). Believe that. Savor it. Hold on to it each and every time you feel frustrated and dejected as a single woman. God loves you, he has a plan for you (even when you don't understand—Ecclesiastes 11:5) and he is working it out for his good so that he may be glorified in you. Let his light shine in your life, and I promise you that you will most definitely feel loved and will certainly glow. ....my gum tastes like your cigar.

these.days

"Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?"

So many thoughts.

My heart hurts a lot tonight.

I think it's an accumulation of things building up.

And frankly,

I just miss you.

And I don't even know who you are [or could be].

I just want you here, right now.

This longing.

It hurts. It wants to be found.

But Lord, you ask me to come with you. To arise to the occasion. To take heart. To not worry about anything. To trust. To be patient. To wait.

I'm waiting. It just hurts. And that's okay. It really is.

The longing is so strong.

But I'm preparing.

So I can be the woman he needs.

The woman you need me to be.

I long for you.

I long for Heaven even more.

...the days go by, and I'm writing it all down so I don't forget. I know I'll be seeing you. And when I close my eyes, I'll be anywhere you are... I wish you were here with me now...

tip.of.the.iceberg

...I'll travel the sub-zero tundra, I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I'll do whatever it takes... Snow drifts build up and enfold us, As we wait out this winter storm...

And I'll do whatever it takes while I wait for [you].

I love how music so specifically sings the words that we're thinking.

I love how each season brings something new and desirable.

But I don't love the scrapes and bruises that get you where you need to be.

Not in the least bit.

I just know surrender is hard, scary, may leave you battered and bruised...

But it's all for the greater good of your heart.

Pruning away the bad, revealing the good underneath.

It is a season of growth.

We shed the summer sun and warm comforts.

We enter the cold tundra of winter.

We are mere skeletons in our form.

Now all we are left with is bare skin.

So vulnerable to the chilling winds that want to freeze our hearts.

What do we do?

Allow it to stun our growth?

Or do we hibernate in our inner dwellings,

Fixing what is battered & bruised,

And nursing the wounds of yesterday?

If we keep them close,

Provide shelter from the winter storm,

There it will grow & form underneath

The deep dwellings.

Soon the winter will be over,

And that what we made under

Will be bursting at its seams

Waiting to be free.

And there,

That's where we'll shine bright & beautiful.

We just have to wait,

Be patient,

Trust that it will all come together.

I know it's really hard for me to see that. It just feels like winter will never pass, that my beauty will never be shown to another, that this season of being a bare, vulnerable skeleton won't ever look beautiful in the spring. But I press forward, lighting up those fiery insecurities/lies so they burn away. Beauty for ashes.

There is a deep longing to be noticed, admired, cherished, and fought for; it's how we as women were made. We want a man to dare and win us over. But we should not awaken love until it is ready. We must remain "asleep" in the slumber of winter. In it, we can grow, mature, and flower when spring comes. We must not let winter stun our growth for beauty. We must not allow the beliefs spoken to us that we're not worth it, to harbor deep within our roots-- because that will only hinder us from being who God created us to be-- A God-fearing, virtuous woman.

What may that look like? We've all heard about the "Proverbs 31" Woman-- But what does that REALLY mean?

Here are my thoughts.

1. Back in that time, women were mere "ornamental" hangings on their man. Ah, enter into the "winter-esque" thought. So, they weren't really deemed as much. [But oh, WE ARE!]. A virtuous woman was worth far more than rubies. And gems were worth a lot. So what does that say? A woman was seen more precious than the jewels, because she was SEEN as a jewel. Pretty great, huh?

2. So as we're pruning away the bad, we're allowing the good to grow in its place. And what do we want for our man? We want to encourage & build him up, don't we? So as our goodness grows, so can his. A virtuous woman will bring good & not harm the man she loves. He won't regret being with you. He will see you as his jewel. Bonus for him.

3. Being a virtuous woman is being able to work hard & take care of our own needs. Now, I'm not totally promoting women liberation, "You go girl! You don't need a man!" kind of mentality. Although, that in itself I don't believe is bad--when it doesn't get out of hand. As a woman, we want to subtly seduce [in a pure manner] the man, and encourage him to LEAD us. And that to say, a man doesn't want a woman who can't do anything on her own, that much I know. BUT, he does want to be able to help us, because that is his role as a man whom has "come to rescue us." What good is it if we tell him what to do next?

4. A virtuous woman will do things in secret. She cultivates her heart in the dark. I see this as a wonderful time during singleness. It may seem dark & dreary at best, but in that time, we can grow and mature. See a pattern forming? And thus doing it, we will be able to provide for our family some day from our growth back when we were singles. It's all about using your time. I am figuring this out, too as I go. We plant the seeds that we may not see flourish until years to come. So plant away in the secret. Cultivate them. Watch them grow.

5. God made us strong! Think about what good things he has given us as women. We can endure so many things. Let us remember to not lean on our own understanding, but lean your heart on God's. He will give you the strength to move on, grown, and become who you were meant to be. He will give us wisdom in our suffering, he will guide us when we feel our light has gone out. He is preparing us RIGHT NOW!

6. One big thing that I feel may get over-looked is being kind & gentle. I feel like the big thing spoken to women these days is to be this outspoken, "go get your man, girl!" mentality. Really? I feel that has been spoken to me numerous times in subtle ways that grow into big ways and change my direction. The way we attract the men [as I feel], is to be kind & gentle--showing our sensitive femininity. I tend to be bold in my ways, like I feel Ruth & Esther were-- not sure what the outcome might be-- but they TRUSTED God. They knew he would not lead them astray. So, in their gentle & kind, yet bold ways... the men in their lives took notice, and furthermore, respected & admired their femininity to be just that. But they waited for their response.

7. A BIG BIG thing here is showing your man [or possible man] respect. In your actions, in the way you present yourself, in your speech; however you bring attention to yourself to a man, do it respectfully. Being a virtuous woman has learned the difference in what that means. She brings him HONOR by doing such a thing. And the men out there, praise this kind of woman. Let her know what you see. This will encourage her in enormous ways. She will continue to flourish by your sincere words. You are helping a woman grow and be the woman she should be for you, or even some other man out there. He will appreciate your encouraging words!

8. Showing joy. It's easy to allow our feelings to control the mood of our days. "Man, I'm so down... such-n-such happened today." Or, "I just got this fantastic letter in the mail, I'm so happy!" I have my down days, I have my really good days-- and when I'm feeling either way, I question why... is it because of joy? Or is it merely based on the "feelings?" Keep them in check-- JOY is something that we experience in our hearts. That isn't dependent on the outside circumstances. [Check out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18].

I could continue on and on. But lastly I want to say to all the women out there, YOU are worth far more than the jewels in this world, you are WORTH pursuing by a Godly man who wants the best for you; STOP settling for mediocre, stop believing the lies that are being fed to you that you are not WORTH the wait, you are not WORTH being pursued, and any other LIE that seeps into your heart. Goodness, this road has been so difficult for me [with believing these lies about myself]. I'm telling you RIGHT NOW, prayerfully talk to God about what you've been believing, and listen to him speak to you. I know he will. He spoke clearly to me, telling me how much he desired ME, loved ME, treasured ME, saw me as this beautiful JEWEL, and sees me as WORTH pursuing-- ALL of my days. How remarkable is that? And to think I wasn't worth it.

But we are. WE ARE. Who cares if "Joe Blow" doesn't notice us. It's truly his loss for being so blind. He isn't worth your time. I firmly believe that if you are single right now, [like myself], it is for a reason, it is for a season. I don't know how long that will be for you [or myself], but I am TRUSTING and being patient [or at least trying to be!] for when he makes my path straight, and the path of another. And when that happens, he will merge the two straighten baths that were crooked, and it will all make sense. We will be able to see the journey he had us on that led straight to that moment. How wonderful. How overwhelming.

So, this is what I tell myself. It's hard and hurts some days, but it will be worth the wait. You are worth it, that is all I know. So don't give up hope. I am not. We walk the rest of the way together. We can encourage one another. We can chisel away the tip of the iceberg together. We'll get to the core of who we were created to be.

So, are you with me?

silhouettes.

Yeah I'll stop or start my heart if you ask me to
I'll stop my heart and then I'll wait for you...

I'm beginning to see this whole trust/patience thing is going to be a lot harder than I thought...

WAIT.ING

I know it will come in its time. I don't want to rush it. I don't want to push it.

It's just hard to know...

What if I'm falling in or out or below

Everything that you know?

You know.

I don't.

That's what's so hard. But so beautiful.

I'd wait. I will wait.

God, grant me peace.

This heart longs for your delight.

All my worries, anxieties, troubles, wounds, scars...

You know them all by name.

Give me a pure heart, keep my desire for you to be the first and the last- the beginning and the end.

My heart is heavy and wanting something that is not yet mine.

Here's all of it. For You.

Lord, help me. Change me. Sharpen me. Prune away the bad, let the good flourish and grow.

Let your love shine on me, let me be a reflection of you in everything.

I'm waiting. for your goodness. love. strength. purity. romance.

Don't let this heart fall too far if it's not time.

Oh, you know there's still a ways to go, so don't start retreating
No, you just gotta take it slow
When you're lost and all out of breath just call and I'll come running baby

I'll watch you falling from me
When you hit the ground maybe you'll see
The only way to fall is down
and I'll be up in the stars
but I'll be anywhere you are
just say you need me and I'll come down

~swimming with dolphins~

waves.and.still.waters.

When we have something in front of us that we are unsure of, we keep it around because we still like the attention. Eventually, when that stops, we're left standing there with nothing; Then we decide that it's what we wanted.
Is it really what we wanted, or was it just the idea of it that we liked?
It boils down to this:
We want what we can't have & then we miss out on something that is right in front of us. Why?

These are my current thoughts that surfaced lately. I was thinking of a situation last year that I went through with a guy who was interested in me. It happened rather unexpectedly, and it threw me off. I knew right away that he liked me, but I wasn't feeling it right away. We still hung out a lot, & I loved the attention. I wasn't too sure about him, but he seemed like a good guy & we had fun. So overtime, we got to know one another. Then, out of nowhere [from my perspective], he just stopped being interested. I was frozen. I didn't know what happened or how we got there. I was thrown for a loop. Then I took a look at the situation, and saw how much I liked him. Or so I thought.
Now, looking back on the situation, I don't think I ever really liked him. Not the way one should. I think the initial affect hit me so hard, that I saw I had something, then that normalcy of the attention from this guy disappeared without my consent. I believe I was not missing him as a person, for who he was, but rather, I was missing the idea of someone being interested in me. BIG DIFFERENCE.

You don't see that until after the fact. And maybe you never do notice it.

We always want what we can't have. You like someone, but you know they're not into you. Yet what do you do? You still pine for them. Why? What is it about that that remains so appealing? Because it's not healthy, I'll tell you that much.
I had something with this guy, but I truthfully knew it was NOT right from the beginning. But I thought I was just being too critical. Truth was, I should have trusted my gut. But I craved the attention he was pouring out to me. I did not want THAT to stop. But it did, and I did not know what to do after it was gone. Therefore, I thought I liked him a lot. I tried to persuade him. I thought he was so right for me. But, he wasn't.
And a year later, wow. God knew this guy would just be a learning experience for me. I see now why it happened the way it did, in some ways. And I can honestly say, I am thankful. I always felt God speaking to me saying, "let go & let me be in control." At the time, I thought it meant that the timing was just off. Nope. Not that, at least not in the way I thought. I don't want something of my own demands, because I clearly don't know what I fully need like God does. And God knew he was not right for me, but he was definitely placed in my life at the right time to learn something about myself and what I desire... This kind of a guy was on track to what I wanted, but he wasn't what I needed.

All these crashing waves of emotions turn to still waters. Things will be made clear to me as to why things are the way they are. I may not understand my circumstances right now or what I've been through, but it's all for a reason.

Everything has lead up to this exact moment. I know deep down what I want & need in a spouse, and what I should be for him. I'm always growing, so that will never stop. But I'm becoming someone I need to be for this man. I am so excited for the day when our paths cross at the right time. Not to say I don't know him right now, but obviously for one reason or another, it hasn't happened yet--romantically. Maybe we're establishing a friendship to have something to build on. I could see that right now. And I think that's amazing. God has some plan. He keeps showing me these amazing guys, and has thrown in some who have been interested in me; but I'm holding out for the real deal. Patience. Trust.

I shouldn't worry that this guy won't "take notice of me" right now, because God has everything planned. He will bless us, he won't hold back from us.
I just know that sometimes we don't see something right away, for whatever reason, and unexpectedly our eyes open. Our hearts are revealed and see something special in another person that we didn't see before. And it wasn't because they liked us first & stopped liking us.
It isn't rooted in fear, but it's rooted in love. That's when you know it's real.



"And all this time,
it was staring me blind.
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before" -mutemath

falling.for.you

I'm trying not to tell you, but I want to. I'm scared of what you'll say. So I'm hiding what I'm feeling, but I'm tired of holding this inside my head...

~Isn't it that moment where you can't turn back and everything has changed?

Emotions spin wildly out of control. Before you know it, that person is on your mind all the time.

What do you do?

~My mind isn't quite there. I'm glad to say so....

~Maybe a year ago, my mind would have been racing; waiting so impatiently.

But this time it's different.

~It's funny how you think you know what you want, and unexpectedly, it's not.

~You could have been anyone on the road to me.

Who knew you'd be here right now?

And more-so, the question still remains...

Who is it?

I have so many ideas rolling in my head right now. But, the Lord still holds my heart steadfast. He has given me moments to relish, even if for a short period of time. Just letting me know that it will be okay. Just remember in time, it will be made right. You'll get there.

- have hope.

- have faith.

- have trust.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know what a year will bring. That's just it. I don't know, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy where I am at. It's been a long time to where I could truly say that. Maybe things are not the way I had planned, but my plans pale in comparison in what is in store for me. I'd rather the Lord dream up some magical story just for me. To have me stand amazed at his blessings.

I'm ready. Wrap your love around me & keep it safe. It's for you.

Some day...

Psalm 143:8

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

change.of.scenary

"Come on, let's re-write this tragedy, one line at a time..."

There's a better story yet to be unfolded in my life.

I am continually amazed at what God reveals to me about myself.

I really don't know where to begin, but that's alright.

Just like a seeded flower, it needs proper soil and warmth from the sun to grow. It needs water.

Christ is my well.

Over time, the flower starts to sprout. It is growing into what it needs to be.

God protects it from the harsh realities.

And then, you see something so amazing.

The flower, once a young seedling, begins to bud.

The bud slowly peeks out its petals.

It is a waking bloom.

Slowly, but surely, the petals start to show more and more.

The fragrance permeates, it is open to radiate its beauty.

Exactly what it was created for.

It is beautiful.

It was made beautiful in its time.

In time.... All good things come from the Lord.

I may not understand it, or know how it works or why.

But...

Something broke wide open, and spilled out.

Something changed.

And I'm renewed.

I am beautiful.

And God is showing me something I have been waiting for.

It will take time, patience, trust, & hope.

It might not be right, but I will not worry.

He has opened my eyes to something new.

And I am happy.

Truly.

If this is what I have been waiting for....

It will be worth the wait.

dare.to.move

Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t really think so.
But the night came down and swept us away.
And the stars they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today.

.......:[listen]: :[closely]:.......

>>.don't be afraid to move.<<

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

help.me

You know when you skin your outter knuckle? It doesn't happen but once in a great while, unless you are accident prone to that sort of thing, but when it's rubbed off raw, it hurts.

It's like you never felt the pain before.

You can't bend it without it hurting.

It takes a couple days before your skin has time to heal.

A scab forms over the wound.

You can start bending it, little by little.

Soon enough, you don't even remember it happened.

Just a small twinge of stink remains.

But it gets better.

It heals.

It always does.

That's the only good way of describing life up until this point.

You know what I don't get the most of the time?

t i m i n g

I think I reiterate that a lot.

Goofy love songs, sea of weddings, friends exasperatingly twitterpated with each other-- yeah, that doesn't help my case either.

But I'm not complaining.

Just.... sighing.

Lord help me.

Shoot. My mind doesn't revolve around this topic 24/7. But hey, I'm a lady & my heart just wants to find my love song. Reminds me of "Enchanted," and Giselle says to her Prince Charming, "to find my love's duet," or something romantized like that.

I don't think I'm... an un-desirable person. I make friends rather easy, I'm a big people-person, my heart hurts for others who are hurting-- I just am me. I have a lot of passions, desires, and interests. I guess I just don't understand what I'm missing. I guess I could pry into that can of worms that is labeled "Insecurities," but I won't. I've come way too far to believe in the lies that I'm where I'm at because there is something "wrong" with me.

I just can't help but wonder though. How come I haven't found my "love's duet." Yes, that sounds overly chintzy, but I'm a girl and I'm allowed to say those things once a month....or something like that.

I just look around and that's all I see. It sure does tug on your heartstrings, does it not? It's like I had this beautiful red heart-shaped balloon on a string, and for whatever reason, the wind snatched it from my grasp; and now I'm slowly watching it fade into the blue-lit sky, floating away from me. Is that what it means to give up your desire? Just let it float away from you? Let go? I just don't know. I know that God has someone really amazing for me that I'm just going to be blown away-- or maybe, that balloon will be blown back into my reach, for me to grab onto and never let go. But when will that happen?

Questions without answers.

And you know what's even more ironic about timing?

Just when you least expect the unexpected happens.

Your mind is flashed with an array of possibilities.

You see something so desirable, so made for you.

But is it yours this time to keep?

I'm literally blown away this time.

And it's not even something I would have looked at before.

But, if it's not right...

Then why is it even here, looming over my heart? Teasing it?

I just want nothing to do with it if it's wrong.

I don't NEED another detour! No more crooked ways.

I want the straight, right path.

So is this it?

Once again, I need help understanding the signs on a road I don't know where it leads.

unseen.beauty

I noticed something very interesting about myself lately. I don't think I would have looked at it quite this way if it wasn't for a few events popping up in my life.

Initially, you look at something and see the big picture. As you creep closer and closer into its depths, your vision gets a bit blurred and skewed. Now you're in the midst of something greater than you ever imagined, but how you perceive the situation isn't as what it was before. You only see the details out of the corner of your eye with a possible blind spot roaming in your heart. What does the blind spot say about you? What are you not seeing that you had before?

What I had not seen before is this: I am at this stage of life right now that I can do anything possible. God has allowed this time for me to grow, learn, strengthen, rely, pursue, relate, love, admire everything about who He is and everything about how He sees me & desires me completely. My heart has found a new song in His love, and it's absolutely the best feeling in the world.
I have traveled on this path for awhile through the valleys, in the deep wooded areas, following detours and different dead ends. But to finally come to a clearing, I find that the sky is a crystal blue, the birds are humming a sweet heavenly tune, and I am standing on the top of the mountain. I see the view and its breath-taking splendor. It's something to behold. It is exactly what God had me waiting to see...

To wait on Him.
So what does that mean to me?
What can I do while I wait?
I can serve Him, worship Him...
I can reach out to others,
I can do all things in His strength, understanding, peace.

I never looked at it this way. It always seemed like a burden I had to carry. The weight of a desire can bring you down. You're not quite sure how to get rid of it because you don't want to lose the desire. But, when you give it over and bury it, something beautiful can grow in its place. Something that was unseen...

I have had some confirming words spoken to me-- and how timely they were to my ears! Sometimes you feel like God doesn't hear you out-- But He does. Normally we've got our eyes and ears and hearts covered so we don't listen to what he has to say. And thankfully, God uses others to confirm His words. This girl I don't even really know spoke to me what she felt God had put on her heart for me to hear-- and previous to seeing her at my friend's house, I had been talking to God about this situation & just begging for an answer. When she told me, I knew it was from Him-- no doubts at all. He was listening to me earlier and he wanted me to hear it loud and clear! Isn't that so amazing? [Proverbs 15:23~"A man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!"]

What we think we want isn't always what we need. God knows our wants & desires. He also gives us what we need. And maybe right now He is simply working through me to make me something more like Him. He is calling me to wait on Him & use this time to advance His Kingdom and serve unselfishly. And to think, He can use me- - someone so tragically flawed- - But He finds me beautifully redeemed. He knows he can use someone so unqualified to do his work. All for His glory!


Thank You for opening my eyes to your beauty.




"Everything is made beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

Currently listening: Do You Feel By The Rocket Summer Release date: 2007-07-17

whirlwind.of.realness

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10

Am I found beautiful? I asked myself tonight.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet. Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires. That looks good, I think... but is it good for me? Am I good enough? I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I was saying goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks. It questions, worries, wonders, hurts... and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-

What does that mean for me?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

I found Lily of the Valley under the word beauty. A Lily of the Valley are one of my favorite flowers, too. It is a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?

To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.

What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted what I wanted.
Because of my decisions, irreversable choices were made.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was too content playing in my mud puddles, that I didn't see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
A break-through.
He desires me. All of me. He desires you just the same.
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I started to talk to him again. He took every opportunity to show me his love. It's more than I deserved.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild what I broke.
He is my ultimate knight in shining armor, my Prince. He will do anything to protect me, to love me, to cherish me. He loves this sinner so much, that he died for ME.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

"And with His light, He will show you truth, and again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl."

Okay, let's be honest. Maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I don't understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
In my heart I know it's true.
It's just hard to hear it from people who can't relate to you anymore.
When I hear, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why am I still where I am.
I wonder why the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
I wonder why feelings aren't reciprocated.
I wonder... about a lot of things.
They have this greater journey I'm not on yet. Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what am I left with?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For a God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
Quit making it so complicated.

If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
I won't have to wait anymore for love,
Because the best I know is yet to come.

"Wait on me..."

"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..." -'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Everything Will Change

[Song I wrote]

I'm not comfortable that we never talk
And I miss you when you're next to me
It's a lonely place when you look me in the eyes
I was scared to see you any other way.

Your dark eyes always meet me in the street
In the middle of traffic lights
I try to send you a signal
But you don't read the signs
I wonder how much longer you can stay content within these lines
I've waited so long for this moment
Just to let it pass me by.

I'll run out in front of you
I won't wear any disguise
Maybe I need to spell it with the stars
As they explode and color the sky.

Should I circle around you in a plane
Or crash-land for you to find me instead?

Everything has changed
And I couldn't tell you why
I was left in the dark for so long
Until the door opened
And I all I saw was you.

Everything has changed
The sun is setting
I'll wait for you here
Until we meet again
Until you leave your plans
And open that door.

Everything will change
Everything will change.

discovering.you

"Without you, I'm a cold dark stone- shine on me, I have no light of my own- You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun- And I am the moon..." ~Sara Groves

My mind is filled with so many thoughts right now. Some calming, some anxious, and some that sadden my heart.

I've been thinking about how the Lord has brought me to this place in my life. I know if I'm given 24 more years of life here, that I will see things through different eyes. It's always in hindsight that we see the truth that was always apparent. Why we don't see look to see it, I'm not sure. I guess maybe it's because we don't want to let go of our plans, our dreams, our wants, our desires.

I've learned a thing or two about that. I was just skating on thin ice until it gave way, and I fought hard to reach the surface, but I gave up. I just let myself drown. I didn't want to reach out for grace's hand. I had to feel it in my own heart, and let healing come. I may have suffered a frozen heart for some time, but I was brought out of it by God's grace. He melted away all my hurts and desires; he peeled back the layers of my heart that I tried so hard to hide. He was the one who fixed my broken soul. I sat on the dirty floor, and he took me and made me clean. His light poured into my heart-- and I was changed.

I always heard people saying how much they had God's love. How much they could feel it.

I never could. I never did...

Until that day.

And now, a year later. Wow. It seems a lot longer than that. He worked out everything in his timing. It's really a beautiful thing. I'm trying not to take things for granted, especially those around me. I want so much to bring my heart to this world, to be open and honest, to love selflessly, to remain vulnerable, to carry each other's burdens.

There's so many ways to hide. There's so many ways not to feel what is real. But I'm here to say, that it's a sorry way to live-- and I did it for far too long. I was too content playing in the puddles when I had the whole ocean in my view. The sun overpowered my dark corners & I wanted to stay put, afraid to burn, afraid to be alive.

But I'm not afraid anymore.

God brought me out of my shell of a heart. And I'm going to burn out bright for the glory of God.

This Kingdom is coming... So what are we going to do about it until then?

"This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful..." ~'Add to the Beauty'- Sara Groves

divine.appointment

...If today was my very last day...

My heart is heavy right now with many things.

I don't understand how or why.

I just don't have peace in my heart.

I wonder how God feels. I wonder how much hurt I have put him through by doing what I want, and not what was best for me.

If the angst in my heart is a minimal fraction of how he feels, I just don't know how I'd live.

A friend lost a brother,

and my heart feels the pain,

I can't do anything,

But pray.

My heart thrives on helping,

And all I can do is pray?

It feels like nothing,

But it is everything,

More than I could ever imagine.

Leaning on trust,

Pure trust and understanding,

That it's not my Will,

But God's...

He is forever in control

He has a specific purpose for all of us

And some of us have a divine appointment before we know...

This was our very last day.

So what am I doing with my time?

Am I doing everything to bring Him glory?

Am I tired of doing the same routine,

Am I forgetful and thankful all at the same time?

How blessed am I,

To be where I am,

To live where I do,

To have a family like this,

It can all be over just like that...

And I set countless hours filled with worry

Losing chances to spread your name...

Maybe my heart not only feels extremely burdened by someone else's loss, but by the loss of my own time here on earth & what I've done with it. Why him and not me? What more is there that I have to do before it's my time? Maybe the very nature of my angst runs deeper than I realize. Someone affected my heart that I didn't even know. How can that be? I feel their pain, their sorrow, their loss. And I only knew his name.

The deeper I go, the deeper I fall, the deeper I feel, the deeper I love, the deeper I heal.

It's real.

All in the name of my Lord.

God used someone I didn't know to change my life. The tears pour out by the simple, yet profound feeling I am going through. I cannot fathom a loss like that-- I just don't know how I can-- I am feeling this so greatly, & I only feel a fraction of their pain. But my heart is changing by this. My mind will not stop thinking about it.

Is it only me?

It can't be.

God speaks when we listen with open hearts.

This much I know is true...

My GOD is mighty to save-

So take me as You find me

All my fears and my failures, Lord

Fill my life again with your perfect Love

I live to follow only You

Everything I believe in

I give to You, my life for You.

...Try as I may, I seem to always end up with my heart on a string, slowly floating away from me... Maybe my heart just has that Cinderella dream, as it keeps on floating, waiting to be caught & never let go of... It all seems like a dream that I'll never know... Still, You tell me it's okay, that it's not far away, You always make a way... I will trust in Your unfailing love, this is what I have to bring...

I wish I didn't worry so much about what tomorrow can bring. I pray that God seals my heart from these kinds of discontent feelings-- I hope when I see something new. It is my true Cinderella dream here on earth. I want to be whisked away by my Prince Charming, like every other woman. And then I remember the Judge's daughter-- who was unnamed-- who never married. All of her earthly dreams were broken that day when her father, home from war, promised her as a sacrifice to the Lord. What kind of sacrifice? I guess we'll never quite know. But a sacrifice no less... she was innocent and pure. She never got to enjoy getting married, having children, having grandchildren. Passing on a legecy.

That is a type of death to a woman. The death of a dream. But she did not waiver in her faith-- No, she went to the mountains and cried out to the Lord-- she spent time with Him. In her sorrows, she did not give up hope. She lived and died all the same. Her heart was for God, and she was blessed by her dedication.

So what am I? Can I fully give up my dream? Have I been doing that? -I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that in my waiting period, I have been doing what I need to do to further my heart deeper into the Lord-- to rely only on HIS LOVE. To know that he wants and desires all of who I am. I think we all have to mourn a bit of that dream, to fully love God the way we were meant to.

Maybe I'll never see that earthly Cinderella dream play out... maybe my time is just a short whisper away from ending. Should you mourn for me? Should I mourn with God? Yes. But blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [Matthew 5:4].

The Lord can and will bless me during this time of singleness. I only want the best of what He has for me... so why can't I wait? Why is waiting so hard to do? Why must my heart flutter when I receive attention from a godly guy who isn't the right one? Why do I even worry?

Why?

There's so much more to life than this...

I'm seeing things more clearly.

My heart still hurts for you. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. I just can't stop my mind from feeling this.

I'm so sorry.

God listens. He hears you.

He hears me too.

*poem

my heart is a vacant drive
won't you come find me here
drive down this empty road
with fallen tears
unmarked fears
windy storms
snowy trails
unspoken tales of a life born for greatness

And you take the road less traveled by
Following a maze of turns
A battered twist of discovery
You can't read the signs before you
But you travel on this road less traveled by
And that made all the difference

You find a disguise beyond these woods
A barren land filled with old fears
Raining down are my tears
You wonder what could cause so much pain
The wound of old lovers
The pain of these lies
Trapped you here in time.

Reach out, here I come
To a land far away
With a dream up the road
Fighting off the enemies of this one
You don't know why you're here
But you conquer her fears
You slay with one swift blow
And all of her old lovers lay below
Down in their graves to stay.

You pace up the path
A life uncertain discovered in this wrath
You hold on tight, never giving up
"This fight is one you'll never win"
But you ignore all that you hear
You have His strength near
Keep up, she's waiting.

One last test and here you are
Jump across, please don't fear
You look back one last time
"Is she really worth the fight?"
Shake off the feelings of inadequacy
Press on, you charge through the mess

You reach her door
You hold the key
It's for her heart
Swing wide the waves of emotions
That unmask your eyes
A vision of beauty
A sight to behold
She turns her head to face you
Wonder dances in her eyes
"You've come for me my hero,
I've been captive here for so long"
You take her hand and make her yours
"You are beautiful, inside and out,
This love was worth the fight."

ready.grow

• Currently Polarity By The Wedding THE LAST STAND see related

  
  
  
  Life is really okay right now... and I'm glad.
  
  Job hunting...
  
  Thinking of finally volunteering at the hospital...
  
  Just getting my butt into gear... I can't keep being this way.
  
  ...I realized I LOVE making CD mixes. I'm kind of obsessed. I'm so detailed... everything has to flow well... and it even has a certain message....
  
  And this is why I am still up!
  
  If you ever get a strong urge to say something to someone, do you actually do it?
  -I feel like I need to say something to this girl who I am friends with-- like a very strong encouragement urge.
  -I even made her a CD... because I feel like she needs to hear the message in the music.... I think she'll get it.
• Encouragement is always warranted, even if for some reason you feel "out of line." You know why I think we feel this way?? It's "someone" trying to hold us back in fear for saying what someone needs to hear. I honestly believe that. We pass many opportunities to be an impact on people-- myself included.
• I don't want to be the fear-stricken girl anymore. I want to be the bold, daring, courageous woman I am supposed to be! No matter what.
  

Bring on my life!


You know what is crazy ironic on peacefulness and content? Is that when you fully and courageously give your whole heart to our Lover, break our alabaster box at his feet, is when everything aligns. It may not be exactly what we hoped for, expected, or wanted-- but it is what is best! I am always seeing it this way.
*I see past "loves" I thought were right for me, ABSOLUTELY wrong for me in so many ways.
*I see that time can heal all wounds.
*I see that with every opportunity I am given, I can bring about change.
*I see that I can express my feelings in the smallest things... like music.
*I know in my heart that God has something special for me.
*I realize that my time here is short, and I don't want to leave here with regrets.
-I don't want people to miss me in the sense of missing-- but be joyful that my heart is now completely full and fixed and loved more than I could ever imagine.
-That my Savior is more than enough for me.
-That Heaven is the true destination for us ALL.
--*Truly, this life is meaningless but meaningful in what we make it out to be.

It's funny what hindsight brings us. It's even more real when we see others going through the EXACT pain that we went through. And you know what it made me realize? Maybe I went through it to show another person that they can get through it-- to be an ENCOURAGEMENT to them. People are so much more stronger when they know someone else has walked in their footsteps...

[[Let God love it away.]]

Pardon me...

My life right now really reflects this passage in the Bible:

Song of Solomon 3 :1-3

1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"


I am at a total loss for words, yet again.

Though, I don't know if it should become as such a surprise now.
It's almost expected.
What's worse?

And I wonder why I even care in some regards. I mean, I am peacefully and wonderfully in a good spot-- then something happens.
I see something...
Unexpected.

It waters that little seed and it grows.
It wants so badly to bloom beautiful flowers and perfume its sweet aroma.
But it receives a severe swift wind -- stunning it's growth and beauty.
It is left to wilt and die without ever showing what could have been.

That has been my heart status for as long as I can remember.

I don't understand why my flower can't grow; why it can't blossom into something worth picking and cherishing.
I just don't understand why I'm left to die, like I never mattered one bit to you; like you never even gave me a second glance.
I put my heart out there.
I think it's ready for the journey.

I guess I don't know anymore.
I guess I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I don't know where I'm going.
I guess no one has seen the one my heart loves.
Where is he God?
I certainly do not know where he is.

witty.remarks

Callin' it quits is no easy task, especially when it involves men who have extremely good facial hair, with dark features. Maybe that's why I like me a vanilla/chocolate twist with sprinkles.

I have a strange fascination with tall, dark, artsy men who can play guitar or sing. If they can play guitar, piano, AND sing, oh my... I might need a towel to wipe away my drool. Wow, that sounds really classy.
But seriously. What gives? If he doesn't have dark eyes or hair, I pull out my ballot from the pool. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm settling. And it's just looks! I was sitting with my seemingly ruggishly handsome good fellow of a friend the other night, as he vented to me his frustrations about life. I really had no good answer to his venting, because it confused the heck out of me. As I was attentively listening, he told me talk was cheap and if he wanted a listener, he'd talk to a wall. Not that I was offended in the least bit, because I talk to walls all the time and they never reply, so I guess he's not used to that yet.
But really he just wanted my feedback and sometimes I have nothing. I won't get into what we discussed, but I began to wonder why I keep such odd, attractive men as potentials. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I can't stop meeting guys who are a hot mess... and by that I mean, they're so good looking but they have quite a mess upstairs. I need a guy who is organized and smells good and who is crazy about me... not crazy in his head.

Maybe I am destined to be single for all time. I'm tempted to put up my bright neon pink sign that says CLOSED. I have been close to bankrupt by spilling myself out to these creepers and stealers of my heart, that I have nothing left but to eat all my emotions. haha, mmm, cheesecake sounds good right about now. That or some bar-b-que chips with a nice, tall, cold budwiserrrrrr....[[Harry Carey anyone? yea yea??? okay not so much & I have no idea what budwiser even tastes like.]]
Thus, to suffice, I am going to add to the thunder thighs and waddle down my friend's weddings in expensive dresses that I'll never wear again because what guy is going to take out a girl on THAT nice of a date? I mean, really? Plus, all I ever meet are guys who can't pay for me, or don't want to. "Well, it's a date and all, but I believe in the world of 2009, it's 50-50." And we all know the guys out there who roll around in their rusty cars with a side mirror missing, asking you out, perhaps paying but taking you to the drive-thru ordering you off the dollar menu. -Thank you, but if you want another date with me, you're going to have to step it up a notch...- not that I mind getting something from the dollar menu, because I am Dutch all the way, but really? Is that all I'm worth to you?
Or you know, there comes the seemingly nice guy, but ends up giving you the creepy-eyed stare because he's so mesmerized by you, or something like that...he pays and you politely smile while you're insides want to splurge out because you're torn with emotional turmoil wondering if you really have no other choices or potentials in the future, and all your dinner dates are going to be consisting of BK's Angry Whopper, because heck, you're a lot angry right now.

So... Add it to the "why I am going to be the bridesmaid & never the bride" list. haha. So I'm fed up. I really am. I think I'm quite the rare fish in the sea. I have a good sense of humor, and truth be told, most of this post isn't really all that serious. Go figure. Though you know, not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders w/looks to die for... haha, well I like to look & dress nice, & don't clutter my life with depressing thoughts [except posts that say I'm never going to get married, haha] and abnormal behavior. I can bust a move in some ways, have a killer sense of style [or I just think I do at times], I try to be as confident inside as I portray it to the outside, arts come second nature to me, I love children, I try my best to help those in need, I really do try to keep a healthy relationship with Jesus- he loves me a whoooole lot to die for me-; I am just me and nobody else. Isn't that something worth enough to pursue?Can my tall, dark and handsome, witty, sharp shooter come gallevanting into town, sweep me off my feet, and carry me away to some tropical, romantic get-a-way?
I'm afraid I'll have to settle on finding a man online whom I've never met & hope he's not creepy. And I really don't want to do that... again... haha.In all seriousness, I'm waiting... it's just hard to not know how long that has to be or if it will happen at all.