My life right now really reflects this passage in the Bible:
Song of Solomon 3 :1-3
1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
I am at a total loss for words, yet again.
Though, I don't know if it should become as such a surprise now.
It's almost expected.
What's worse?
And I wonder why I even care in some regards. I mean, I am peacefully and wonderfully in a good spot-- then something happens.
I see something...
Unexpected.
It waters that little seed and it grows.
It wants so badly to bloom beautiful flowers and perfume its sweet aroma.
But it receives a severe swift wind -- stunning it's growth and beauty.
It is left to wilt and die without ever showing what could have been.
That has been my heart status for as long as I can remember.
I don't understand why my flower can't grow; why it can't blossom into something worth picking and cherishing.
I just don't understand why I'm left to die, like I never mattered one bit to you; like you never even gave me a second glance.
I put my heart out there.
I think it's ready for the journey.
I guess I don't know anymore.
I guess I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I don't know where I'm going.
I guess no one has seen the one my heart loves.
Where is he God?
I certainly do not know where he is.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
witty.remarks
Callin' it quits is no easy task, especially when it involves men who have extremely good facial hair, with dark features. Maybe that's why I like me a vanilla/chocolate twist with sprinkles.
I have a strange fascination with tall, dark, artsy men who can play guitar or sing. If they can play guitar, piano, AND sing, oh my... I might need a towel to wipe away my drool. Wow, that sounds really classy.
But seriously. What gives? If he doesn't have dark eyes or hair, I pull out my ballot from the pool. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm settling. And it's just looks! I was sitting with my seemingly ruggishly handsome good fellow of a friend the other night, as he vented to me his frustrations about life. I really had no good answer to his venting, because it confused the heck out of me. As I was attentively listening, he told me talk was cheap and if he wanted a listener, he'd talk to a wall. Not that I was offended in the least bit, because I talk to walls all the time and they never reply, so I guess he's not used to that yet.
But really he just wanted my feedback and sometimes I have nothing. I won't get into what we discussed, but I began to wonder why I keep such odd, attractive men as potentials. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I can't stop meeting guys who are a hot mess... and by that I mean, they're so good looking but they have quite a mess upstairs. I need a guy who is organized and smells good and who is crazy about me... not crazy in his head.
Maybe I am destined to be single for all time. I'm tempted to put up my bright neon pink sign that says CLOSED. I have been close to bankrupt by spilling myself out to these creepers and stealers of my heart, that I have nothing left but to eat all my emotions. haha, mmm, cheesecake sounds good right about now. That or some bar-b-que chips with a nice, tall, cold budwiserrrrrr....[[Harry Carey anyone? yea yea??? okay not so much & I have no idea what budwiser even tastes like.]]
Thus, to suffice, I am going to add to the thunder thighs and waddle down my friend's weddings in expensive dresses that I'll never wear again because what guy is going to take out a girl on THAT nice of a date? I mean, really? Plus, all I ever meet are guys who can't pay for me, or don't want to. "Well, it's a date and all, but I believe in the world of 2009, it's 50-50." And we all know the guys out there who roll around in their rusty cars with a side mirror missing, asking you out, perhaps paying but taking you to the drive-thru ordering you off the dollar menu. -Thank you, but if you want another date with me, you're going to have to step it up a notch...- not that I mind getting something from the dollar menu, because I am Dutch all the way, but really? Is that all I'm worth to you?
Or you know, there comes the seemingly nice guy, but ends up giving you the creepy-eyed stare because he's so mesmerized by you, or something like that...he pays and you politely smile while you're insides want to splurge out because you're torn with emotional turmoil wondering if you really have no other choices or potentials in the future, and all your dinner dates are going to be consisting of BK's Angry Whopper, because heck, you're a lot angry right now.
So... Add it to the "why I am going to be the bridesmaid & never the bride" list. haha. So I'm fed up. I really am. I think I'm quite the rare fish in the sea. I have a good sense of humor, and truth be told, most of this post isn't really all that serious. Go figure. Though you know, not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders w/looks to die for... haha, well I like to look & dress nice, & don't clutter my life with depressing thoughts [except posts that say I'm never going to get married, haha] and abnormal behavior. I can bust a move in some ways, have a killer sense of style [or I just think I do at times], I try to be as confident inside as I portray it to the outside, arts come second nature to me, I love children, I try my best to help those in need, I really do try to keep a healthy relationship with Jesus- he loves me a whoooole lot to die for me-; I am just me and nobody else. Isn't that something worth enough to pursue?Can my tall, dark and handsome, witty, sharp shooter come gallevanting into town, sweep me off my feet, and carry me away to some tropical, romantic get-a-way?
I'm afraid I'll have to settle on finding a man online whom I've never met & hope he's not creepy. And I really don't want to do that... again... haha.In all seriousness, I'm waiting... it's just hard to not know how long that has to be or if it will happen at all.
I have a strange fascination with tall, dark, artsy men who can play guitar or sing. If they can play guitar, piano, AND sing, oh my... I might need a towel to wipe away my drool. Wow, that sounds really classy.
But seriously. What gives? If he doesn't have dark eyes or hair, I pull out my ballot from the pool. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm settling. And it's just looks! I was sitting with my seemingly ruggishly handsome good fellow of a friend the other night, as he vented to me his frustrations about life. I really had no good answer to his venting, because it confused the heck out of me. As I was attentively listening, he told me talk was cheap and if he wanted a listener, he'd talk to a wall. Not that I was offended in the least bit, because I talk to walls all the time and they never reply, so I guess he's not used to that yet.
But really he just wanted my feedback and sometimes I have nothing. I won't get into what we discussed, but I began to wonder why I keep such odd, attractive men as potentials. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I can't stop meeting guys who are a hot mess... and by that I mean, they're so good looking but they have quite a mess upstairs. I need a guy who is organized and smells good and who is crazy about me... not crazy in his head.
Maybe I am destined to be single for all time. I'm tempted to put up my bright neon pink sign that says CLOSED. I have been close to bankrupt by spilling myself out to these creepers and stealers of my heart, that I have nothing left but to eat all my emotions. haha, mmm, cheesecake sounds good right about now. That or some bar-b-que chips with a nice, tall, cold budwiserrrrrr....[[Harry Carey anyone? yea yea??? okay not so much & I have no idea what budwiser even tastes like.]]
Thus, to suffice, I am going to add to the thunder thighs and waddle down my friend's weddings in expensive dresses that I'll never wear again because what guy is going to take out a girl on THAT nice of a date? I mean, really? Plus, all I ever meet are guys who can't pay for me, or don't want to. "Well, it's a date and all, but I believe in the world of 2009, it's 50-50." And we all know the guys out there who roll around in their rusty cars with a side mirror missing, asking you out, perhaps paying but taking you to the drive-thru ordering you off the dollar menu. -Thank you, but if you want another date with me, you're going to have to step it up a notch...- not that I mind getting something from the dollar menu, because I am Dutch all the way, but really? Is that all I'm worth to you?
Or you know, there comes the seemingly nice guy, but ends up giving you the creepy-eyed stare because he's so mesmerized by you, or something like that...he pays and you politely smile while you're insides want to splurge out because you're torn with emotional turmoil wondering if you really have no other choices or potentials in the future, and all your dinner dates are going to be consisting of BK's Angry Whopper, because heck, you're a lot angry right now.
So... Add it to the "why I am going to be the bridesmaid & never the bride" list. haha. So I'm fed up. I really am. I think I'm quite the rare fish in the sea. I have a good sense of humor, and truth be told, most of this post isn't really all that serious. Go figure. Though you know, not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders w/looks to die for... haha, well I like to look & dress nice, & don't clutter my life with depressing thoughts [except posts that say I'm never going to get married, haha] and abnormal behavior. I can bust a move in some ways, have a killer sense of style [or I just think I do at times], I try to be as confident inside as I portray it to the outside, arts come second nature to me, I love children, I try my best to help those in need, I really do try to keep a healthy relationship with Jesus- he loves me a whoooole lot to die for me-; I am just me and nobody else. Isn't that something worth enough to pursue?Can my tall, dark and handsome, witty, sharp shooter come gallevanting into town, sweep me off my feet, and carry me away to some tropical, romantic get-a-way?
I'm afraid I'll have to settle on finding a man online whom I've never met & hope he's not creepy. And I really don't want to do that... again... haha.In all seriousness, I'm waiting... it's just hard to not know how long that has to be or if it will happen at all.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
.hard.to.forget.
"I'm tired of wasting all my time
My heart is hanging on the line
Is it my heart or someone else?
Sitting on a shelf."
It's hard to forget your first love. There is a simplistic feeling of airy emotions that drifts around your head, enlightening your spirit with the sound of their voice. Your internal motions start to flutter in a rush to the finish line. Your senses are filled with an overwhelming sense of pure bliss. You long to hold on to this moment and bottle it up, because sometimes... it just won't last.
I've put my heart out on the line more than I wish I had- - but I've learned something about myself. I give until there's nothing left. It isn't about me anymore; and with giving purely, I have witnessed an unselfish pattern within myself that continues to get replenished over and over again so I can give love away, freely and with no strings attached.
I'd say there comes a time in everyone's lives to where they feel that they've fallen in love with "the one." I've never had the opportunity to feel this; a part of me sighs in relief from saving myself the potential heartbreak of a unrequited love, but another part of me aches for not knowing what it feels like...
Things have happened in my life within the last year that made me feel like that "finding the one" would happen. Excitedly the thoughts bounced around in my mind, praying for that some day to be some day really soon. Well, unfortunately moments in my life lasted less than a flicker, and a case of a love bi-polar was my last diagnosis. But you know, who needs someone that is hot and then cold? I certainly do not need someone like that who doesn't know what they want. [Thanks Katy Perry to your very catchy song lyrics.]
This is me, this is real, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm hoping to find the missing piece that I long to see. It's all around me; love. Friends & family whom are getting married to their sweethearts-- it's so beautiful to see two paths forming one-- something planned in such a timely manner that only God could design so perfectly in an imperfect world.
Isn't love beautiful in it's time?
:So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.
All the highs and lows are gone.
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
I’ll be fine...:
My heart is hanging on the line
Is it my heart or someone else?
Sitting on a shelf."
It's hard to forget your first love. There is a simplistic feeling of airy emotions that drifts around your head, enlightening your spirit with the sound of their voice. Your internal motions start to flutter in a rush to the finish line. Your senses are filled with an overwhelming sense of pure bliss. You long to hold on to this moment and bottle it up, because sometimes... it just won't last.
I've put my heart out on the line more than I wish I had- - but I've learned something about myself. I give until there's nothing left. It isn't about me anymore; and with giving purely, I have witnessed an unselfish pattern within myself that continues to get replenished over and over again so I can give love away, freely and with no strings attached.
I'd say there comes a time in everyone's lives to where they feel that they've fallen in love with "the one." I've never had the opportunity to feel this; a part of me sighs in relief from saving myself the potential heartbreak of a unrequited love, but another part of me aches for not knowing what it feels like...
Things have happened in my life within the last year that made me feel like that "finding the one" would happen. Excitedly the thoughts bounced around in my mind, praying for that some day to be some day really soon. Well, unfortunately moments in my life lasted less than a flicker, and a case of a love bi-polar was my last diagnosis. But you know, who needs someone that is hot and then cold? I certainly do not need someone like that who doesn't know what they want. [Thanks Katy Perry to your very catchy song lyrics.]
This is me, this is real, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm hoping to find the missing piece that I long to see. It's all around me; love. Friends & family whom are getting married to their sweethearts-- it's so beautiful to see two paths forming one-- something planned in such a timely manner that only God could design so perfectly in an imperfect world.
Isn't love beautiful in it's time?
:So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.
All the highs and lows are gone.
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
I’ll be fine...:
Thursday, February 05, 2009
.just here.
..."I miss the way, the way you used to look at me and say, 'it's just you and me,' & I knew you meant it..."
And here I am, at the crossroads...-To look back, I had been stuck in this big hole I dug; content playing in the mud while the storms poured down. I didn't want to attempt to climb out to see what else was there, even when a ladder was provided. I didn't care what was out there; or maybe I did, I was just too scared to find out. Finally, God directed my attention out of the hole, and I climbed out to see this beautiful, colorful sunrise. It was a new day. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was then I knew God desired much more from me, and he desired my attention. A door that had been locked was wide open, and all I have to do now is to trust... and learn to let God be in control of everything, even when I don't understand. So here I am...
And here I am, at the crossroads...-To look back, I had been stuck in this big hole I dug; content playing in the mud while the storms poured down. I didn't want to attempt to climb out to see what else was there, even when a ladder was provided. I didn't care what was out there; or maybe I did, I was just too scared to find out. Finally, God directed my attention out of the hole, and I climbed out to see this beautiful, colorful sunrise. It was a new day. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was then I knew God desired much more from me, and he desired my attention. A door that had been locked was wide open, and all I have to do now is to trust... and learn to let God be in control of everything, even when I don't understand. So here I am...
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
.poem: out of breath.
Out of breath,
closer to a dream,
I see you standing there
in between the seams
of dreams and reality.
You keep telling me I'm almost there,
well I don't know- it's so far away,
will I ever get there?
Out of breath,
I'm just holding on,
I hope I can make it.
Keep me near to You.
I hold onto these dreams of tales before
They keep whispering in the night
Love, oh love so divine
I wish you were mine,
Are you mine?
Please don't go...
Sometimes I hate to be awake
If it just means that I'm more alone than before
Telling tales of broken hearts
Shattered dreams
Meant for more than this,
Tell me it's true
Please tell me there's more to it than this...
Salvage this waste of a land
So barren of love that's real
Tainted with images of disgust
I'm so sick of this crippling reality
That rattles my dreams
I long for more,
I hope there's more than this.
Out of breath
Still holding on
Come close
I remember this,
So familiar
In my heart
This is ecstasy
Real love is this
Out of breath
Still I'm holding on
Waiting for the sun on the horizon
To come crashing down
This is real
Real love
The stuff dreams are made of.
Out of breath
I'm waiting for you
Still holding on
In and out and in between my dreams
This is real...
closer to a dream,
I see you standing there
in between the seams
of dreams and reality.
You keep telling me I'm almost there,
well I don't know- it's so far away,
will I ever get there?
Out of breath,
I'm just holding on,
I hope I can make it.
Keep me near to You.
I hold onto these dreams of tales before
They keep whispering in the night
Love, oh love so divine
I wish you were mine,
Are you mine?
Please don't go...
Sometimes I hate to be awake
If it just means that I'm more alone than before
Telling tales of broken hearts
Shattered dreams
Meant for more than this,
Tell me it's true
Please tell me there's more to it than this...
Salvage this waste of a land
So barren of love that's real
Tainted with images of disgust
I'm so sick of this crippling reality
That rattles my dreams
I long for more,
I hope there's more than this.
Out of breath
Still holding on
Come close
I remember this,
So familiar
In my heart
This is ecstasy
Real love is this
Out of breath
Still I'm holding on
Waiting for the sun on the horizon
To come crashing down
This is real
Real love
The stuff dreams are made of.
Out of breath
I'm waiting for you
Still holding on
In and out and in between my dreams
This is real...
Monday, January 05, 2009
.love..away.
Your so sure that no one knows what your going through
I know exactly how you feel
Cause I see myself in you
What is broken
What's been stolen
Our Father will restore...
Faith.
I have been leaning on the meaning of this word more and more lately. What does it mean? I can't stop fighting the feeling.
Wounds
The only thing I know that is real is His Love.
I came close this afternoon
To take a chance
Spare a moment with you
My world is unraveling
I'm pulling away inside
Do you even care?
Would you stop your rambling
And just listen to me
Don't you see in my eyes
The hurt inside?
Do you even care?
Tell me you care...
You look good, you look just fine
But I'm wondering if it's only time
Before I see you steal another smile
From the girl across the room
Hurt me again, why don't you?
'Cuz all I see right now
Is nothing new
You're just the same...
A lying smile to steal my heart
You loved me, you said
And I believed every word
You're beautiful, you told me
And I thought you meant it
But you went and took a piece of me
You left me, a lily among the thorns...
Cried my last, tried to cover up the pain
Healed my heart with a weak disguise
But You, You came
A Prince amongst the thieves
I told You, "I can't take this anymore!
Aren't I worth so much more,
Than a stupid boy & his promises of broken words?"
And then You told me, "You're deserve better than what what he's got,
So hold on, I'll love it away."
You came to save, to save me,
From everything & more,
"Just wait on Me," You said,
"You're worth so much more..."
I heard everything You said
And I'm holding on,
Holding on to everything and more,
You tell me to keep on dreaming, to wait for everything and more
"You're beautiful, so beautiful,
A lily among thorns, someone worth fighting for..."
And I'm hanging onto every word You say
Because a boy's just a boy
But You came for me, to rescue
To steal away the thoughts of scorn
My heart is still weak, so
Hold it, protect it, keep it.
You're here with me always,
You know what is in my heart
And yet still I wait, but You know there's much more
Something yet in store...
And so I still hope for the one, that he'll see me
A heart worth seeking
Hidden so deep within You
Push past the pain, the scorn
That surrounds this beauty in thorns.
Will you come for me?
Will you steal my heart?
Will you go over the edge,
Brave the scorn, fight the danger?
Will you rescue a beauty,
A lily among thorns?
*~This is a declaration for me, for the other women out there- Hold on. Life can be a crazy train ride. We all go through the exhilaration and excitement on the twists and turns and new sightings. Life can be a beautiful ride; but it seems that beauty gets clouded and rained and stormed upon. Sometimes we feel like there's an open window we can't close, the brakes get cut, and we spin wildly out of control. We try to get fix it on our own, but it doesn't work and we mess it up even more...
But thankfully, He hears our cries and comes to rescue us & fixes our brokenness. He loves away all our hurt and disappointments. He heals the internal that keeps us going. When we cling to that, His love, that is what mends our hearts. We're able to see a different side of things. We're able to sit back on the ride, and let Him guide us the rest of the way. Why do we think we need to steer when we don't even know where we're going?
At this point in my life, I am able to look back & see all the disastrous, yet changing moments in my life. I wanted to steer all on my own; and I went on the wrong direction & had no brakes to stop myself. I crashed & burned. A part of me died- - but that is only a part of the good news. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to be able to say, "I NEED YOU!" We're too thick-skulled and stubborn to sit in the passenger seat and just enjoy the ride... even when that ride brings a storm that seems like it won't end...
I'm on this path that I hope leads me to something more than what I've been looking for. In fact, I know He'll put me there, because my trust is on Him this time. I don't need to do this on my own, and I can't anyway. It's no use to run away and do it alone...
You know what I want? To not settle. I've been settling my whole life...
I settle for weak passions, dreams, potentials, employment, life, love, hopes, and everything in between. What do I fight for? Why do I run away from everything I want?
I want to be pursued for who I am & what I have to offer. I want to be fight for, just the same. I want someone to see me as beautiful for my patience, kindness, compassion, loveliness; for a heart worth pursuing. To see me a lily amongst the thorns- - to cut away the danger and find a beauty within. Something to treasure, something to hold onto forever.
I want to extend love out to those who are hurting.
I want to be everything I need to be in this life.
I want to love selflessly.
I want to be as Christ-like as I can be.
It's not easy, nor is anything I think I need or want.
But He knows what we need.
He'll never let go of steering us right, when we hand over our lives...
So where are you going?
What are you holding onto?
You're worth everything and more...
So hold on...
I know exactly how you feel
Cause I see myself in you
What is broken
What's been stolen
Our Father will restore...
Faith.
I have been leaning on the meaning of this word more and more lately. What does it mean? I can't stop fighting the feeling.
Wounds
The only thing I know that is real is His Love.
I came close this afternoon
To take a chance
Spare a moment with you
My world is unraveling
I'm pulling away inside
Do you even care?
Would you stop your rambling
And just listen to me
Don't you see in my eyes
The hurt inside?
Do you even care?
Tell me you care...
You look good, you look just fine
But I'm wondering if it's only time
Before I see you steal another smile
From the girl across the room
Hurt me again, why don't you?
'Cuz all I see right now
Is nothing new
You're just the same...
A lying smile to steal my heart
You loved me, you said
And I believed every word
You're beautiful, you told me
And I thought you meant it
But you went and took a piece of me
You left me, a lily among the thorns...
Cried my last, tried to cover up the pain
Healed my heart with a weak disguise
But You, You came
A Prince amongst the thieves
I told You, "I can't take this anymore!
Aren't I worth so much more,
Than a stupid boy & his promises of broken words?"
And then You told me, "You're deserve better than what what he's got,
So hold on, I'll love it away."
You came to save, to save me,
From everything & more,
"Just wait on Me," You said,
"You're worth so much more..."
I heard everything You said
And I'm holding on,
Holding on to everything and more,
You tell me to keep on dreaming, to wait for everything and more
"You're beautiful, so beautiful,
A lily among thorns, someone worth fighting for..."
And I'm hanging onto every word You say
Because a boy's just a boy
But You came for me, to rescue
To steal away the thoughts of scorn
My heart is still weak, so
Hold it, protect it, keep it.
You're here with me always,
You know what is in my heart
And yet still I wait, but You know there's much more
Something yet in store...
And so I still hope for the one, that he'll see me
A heart worth seeking
Hidden so deep within You
Push past the pain, the scorn
That surrounds this beauty in thorns.
Will you come for me?
Will you steal my heart?
Will you go over the edge,
Brave the scorn, fight the danger?
Will you rescue a beauty,
A lily among thorns?
*~This is a declaration for me, for the other women out there- Hold on. Life can be a crazy train ride. We all go through the exhilaration and excitement on the twists and turns and new sightings. Life can be a beautiful ride; but it seems that beauty gets clouded and rained and stormed upon. Sometimes we feel like there's an open window we can't close, the brakes get cut, and we spin wildly out of control. We try to get fix it on our own, but it doesn't work and we mess it up even more...
But thankfully, He hears our cries and comes to rescue us & fixes our brokenness. He loves away all our hurt and disappointments. He heals the internal that keeps us going. When we cling to that, His love, that is what mends our hearts. We're able to see a different side of things. We're able to sit back on the ride, and let Him guide us the rest of the way. Why do we think we need to steer when we don't even know where we're going?
At this point in my life, I am able to look back & see all the disastrous, yet changing moments in my life. I wanted to steer all on my own; and I went on the wrong direction & had no brakes to stop myself. I crashed & burned. A part of me died- - but that is only a part of the good news. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to be able to say, "I NEED YOU!" We're too thick-skulled and stubborn to sit in the passenger seat and just enjoy the ride... even when that ride brings a storm that seems like it won't end...
I'm on this path that I hope leads me to something more than what I've been looking for. In fact, I know He'll put me there, because my trust is on Him this time. I don't need to do this on my own, and I can't anyway. It's no use to run away and do it alone...
You know what I want? To not settle. I've been settling my whole life...
I settle for weak passions, dreams, potentials, employment, life, love, hopes, and everything in between. What do I fight for? Why do I run away from everything I want?
I want to be pursued for who I am & what I have to offer. I want to be fight for, just the same. I want someone to see me as beautiful for my patience, kindness, compassion, loveliness; for a heart worth pursuing. To see me a lily amongst the thorns- - to cut away the danger and find a beauty within. Something to treasure, something to hold onto forever.
I want to extend love out to those who are hurting.
I want to be everything I need to be in this life.
I want to love selflessly.
I want to be as Christ-like as I can be.
It's not easy, nor is anything I think I need or want.
But He knows what we need.
He'll never let go of steering us right, when we hand over our lives...
So where are you going?
What are you holding onto?
You're worth everything and more...
So hold on...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
justified.beauty
Is it safe to land? Am I coming in clear? I am getting tired of all this circling...
Set a course to spread your wings...
Are they mended or broken or just a little out of align?
You take a giant leap and soar above the deep waters below...
Will you fall or will you fly?
Some things are just meant to remain a mystery. A deep seeded distant dream. We try to manage a way to bring it closer to us, tainting the very innocent beauty that was meant to remain untouched.
Walking in the forest of our desires, we listen to the whispers of the wind, gently speaking a heavenly tune only our senses can understand.
A raindrop slowly falls upon my cheek. A downpour of shadows come falling all around me. I am drowning in a sea of flooded tears. Whose are they? Mine, yours and His. I don't quite understand the meaning, but they mean everything and more.
Silently a dream awakens my heart. A tear for everyone that was left behind. No one told me it would be this way, but everything happens for a reason. A tired weight remains within. A sense that I was meant for more than this. A wave tries to wash me away, but You are stronger than any storm. You uphold me and carry me ashore. I was once broken, but no more.
There are no words I can say. You make all things new. Even the barren lands of an empty heart. A justified beauty...
Beauty once broken on the floor.
Beauty once taken to your door.
Beauty circling around the thorns.
Beauty bleeding to my core.
Beauty that was empty.
Beauty that was torn.
Beauty that was beautiful no more.
But You came.
To save me,
because You made me.
The ends justified the means
Of a beauty all Yours.
Set a course to spread your wings...
Are they mended or broken or just a little out of align?
You take a giant leap and soar above the deep waters below...
Will you fall or will you fly?
Some things are just meant to remain a mystery. A deep seeded distant dream. We try to manage a way to bring it closer to us, tainting the very innocent beauty that was meant to remain untouched.
Walking in the forest of our desires, we listen to the whispers of the wind, gently speaking a heavenly tune only our senses can understand.
A raindrop slowly falls upon my cheek. A downpour of shadows come falling all around me. I am drowning in a sea of flooded tears. Whose are they? Mine, yours and His. I don't quite understand the meaning, but they mean everything and more.
Silently a dream awakens my heart. A tear for everyone that was left behind. No one told me it would be this way, but everything happens for a reason. A tired weight remains within. A sense that I was meant for more than this. A wave tries to wash me away, but You are stronger than any storm. You uphold me and carry me ashore. I was once broken, but no more.
There are no words I can say. You make all things new. Even the barren lands of an empty heart. A justified beauty...
Beauty once broken on the floor.
Beauty once taken to your door.
Beauty circling around the thorns.
Beauty bleeding to my core.
Beauty that was empty.
Beauty that was torn.
Beauty that was beautiful no more.
But You came.
To save me,
because You made me.
The ends justified the means
Of a beauty all Yours.
Friday, October 17, 2008
.sensing.
"I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was..."
Well friends, dear ones who read my blog... here I am again...
Anyway, my fingers are tingly as I press gently on this keyboard. I bought myself a BRAND NEW guitar! And guess what? Ready for this? It's PINK! Oh yeah, oh yeah. Typical.But it's pretty sweet. Good things come to those who wait... 14 years of waiting, haha. Think of that... I could have been real good... real good. But maybe I'll never get the nack of it. I hope I do, because I much love writing songs & poetry & singing... Hmmm... love love.Here's to hoping!
I seriously want to be a rocker chick. How sweet would that be?I don't know what my deal is.Maybe it's that whole "finding my identity" thing.Not that I don't like who I am... but redefining something is more fun...
My nephew is adorable. Well, now I have two... Jordan- the strong-willed eldest of the family, and Jacob- the laid-back 2 month old. ;-) Well, they both are adorable, but I'm talking about my oldest nephew, Jordan. He's quite the wild one... he's definitely all boy... but he has his sweet side that loves to give me hugs and kisses. I just love that about him. And I think... "some day, some girl [Lord willing] will think he is just the greatest guy... so wild at heart, passionate, giving, smart, friendly, thoughtful...." I really hope & pray that he gets to that point in life, because life is hard, and that is a steep understatement. And I know that boys early on need to know that they have what it takes - that they are strong, courageous, brave, and worthy of the title of being a male...Just tonight, I was at his soccer game at school. He really has no idea what is going on, and it's really funny to be quite honest. He just tumbles on the ground, laughing... apparently enjoying himself. Who cares that there is a game going on, he's having more fun just goofing around. And what do I notice in the meantime? He is chasing girls around the field - but then these girls start pushing Jordan around [playfully, mind you], and I just think it's the funniest thing. I'm not sure if I should find this funny, but he seems to be having fun just being the goofy boy. I can tell right now he's going to have the ladies all after him, haha.
But you know what? Just noticing how young my nephew is, and what kind of a heart I can see in him now... I really hope his heart stays strong in the long run. After his game ended, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs, and I bended over for him to give me a kiss. He loves giving me kisses & hugs- - so do my twin nieces. And I say to him, "Good job tonight... hey let's get a picture together!" [classic Lauren, right?] So, he enthusiastically agrees. I get down on my knees, and we snap a few shots together. Cute, of course. ;-) And then I say "well, that's all!" And I almost got up, when he planted a kiss right on the top of my head, then ran over to the playground. I don't know what it was, but in that moment of thought, it dawned on me again, as it always does -as if it should surprise me- to think, "wow, he really loves & admires me." And in that thought, I felt my heart speaking to me... "what do you love about him & what do you see?" And I thought- ~I love everything there is about him. I admire who he is & who I hope he becomes from it.~ And then, something else struck my heart- "To see him grow up into a man of God and who bears his wild heart, his spirit, his passion, his strength; and keep his boyish charms... that's what I want for him. In fact, that's what I want too. A man like that. And a man who will love you and admire you for everything you are- in your weakness and in your strength- in your flaws and in your captivating beauty."Just wait. Hope. Keep loving.
I don't know. My heart is just changing. And God can use those little ones to influence me and help my heart see something that I wasn't looking for. And I can influence them and show them His love...
So what am I doing here sulking wondering when? why? how? who?I am truly thankful and forgetful all at the same time.I have so much.Why isn't it enough?Shape my heart - make me more like You.Help me never take for granted the endless gifts you give...
"It's beautiful... you can turn mistakes into miracles... the way You still love me afterall, It's beautiful."
Sometimes we have to walk through the rain & embrace the winds & walk straight out into the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end of the road....
"I believe you now, I've come too far. No I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known...
This is Home."
Well friends, dear ones who read my blog... here I am again...
Anyway, my fingers are tingly as I press gently on this keyboard. I bought myself a BRAND NEW guitar! And guess what? Ready for this? It's PINK! Oh yeah, oh yeah. Typical.But it's pretty sweet. Good things come to those who wait... 14 years of waiting, haha. Think of that... I could have been real good... real good. But maybe I'll never get the nack of it. I hope I do, because I much love writing songs & poetry & singing... Hmmm... love love.Here's to hoping!
I seriously want to be a rocker chick. How sweet would that be?I don't know what my deal is.Maybe it's that whole "finding my identity" thing.Not that I don't like who I am... but redefining something is more fun...
My nephew is adorable. Well, now I have two... Jordan- the strong-willed eldest of the family, and Jacob- the laid-back 2 month old. ;-) Well, they both are adorable, but I'm talking about my oldest nephew, Jordan. He's quite the wild one... he's definitely all boy... but he has his sweet side that loves to give me hugs and kisses. I just love that about him. And I think... "some day, some girl [Lord willing] will think he is just the greatest guy... so wild at heart, passionate, giving, smart, friendly, thoughtful...." I really hope & pray that he gets to that point in life, because life is hard, and that is a steep understatement. And I know that boys early on need to know that they have what it takes - that they are strong, courageous, brave, and worthy of the title of being a male...Just tonight, I was at his soccer game at school. He really has no idea what is going on, and it's really funny to be quite honest. He just tumbles on the ground, laughing... apparently enjoying himself. Who cares that there is a game going on, he's having more fun just goofing around. And what do I notice in the meantime? He is chasing girls around the field - but then these girls start pushing Jordan around [playfully, mind you], and I just think it's the funniest thing. I'm not sure if I should find this funny, but he seems to be having fun just being the goofy boy. I can tell right now he's going to have the ladies all after him, haha.
But you know what? Just noticing how young my nephew is, and what kind of a heart I can see in him now... I really hope his heart stays strong in the long run. After his game ended, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs, and I bended over for him to give me a kiss. He loves giving me kisses & hugs- - so do my twin nieces. And I say to him, "Good job tonight... hey let's get a picture together!" [classic Lauren, right?] So, he enthusiastically agrees. I get down on my knees, and we snap a few shots together. Cute, of course. ;-) And then I say "well, that's all!" And I almost got up, when he planted a kiss right on the top of my head, then ran over to the playground. I don't know what it was, but in that moment of thought, it dawned on me again, as it always does -as if it should surprise me- to think, "wow, he really loves & admires me." And in that thought, I felt my heart speaking to me... "what do you love about him & what do you see?" And I thought- ~I love everything there is about him. I admire who he is & who I hope he becomes from it.~ And then, something else struck my heart- "To see him grow up into a man of God and who bears his wild heart, his spirit, his passion, his strength; and keep his boyish charms... that's what I want for him. In fact, that's what I want too. A man like that. And a man who will love you and admire you for everything you are- in your weakness and in your strength- in your flaws and in your captivating beauty."Just wait. Hope. Keep loving.
I don't know. My heart is just changing. And God can use those little ones to influence me and help my heart see something that I wasn't looking for. And I can influence them and show them His love...
So what am I doing here sulking wondering when? why? how? who?I am truly thankful and forgetful all at the same time.I have so much.Why isn't it enough?Shape my heart - make me more like You.Help me never take for granted the endless gifts you give...
"It's beautiful... you can turn mistakes into miracles... the way You still love me afterall, It's beautiful."
Sometimes we have to walk through the rain & embrace the winds & walk straight out into the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end of the road....
"I believe you now, I've come too far. No I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known...
This is Home."
Friday, October 10, 2008
.everything.is.illuminated.
What is love?
Where does love exist?
Love is defined by a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Interesting, I thought. Do I love, then?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
But I believe it is even deeper than that definition. I think that there is something inherently sown into us that wants to keep seeking for more. But what do I define by that which I love?Family. Friendships. Watching little children play. Painting. Photographing. Drawing. Admiring Art. Sunrises & sunsets. Cloud formations. Stars. Rainbows. Listening to the wind. Feeling Fall air. Nostalgic smells. Cooking. Sporting events. Driving illegally fast. Picking flowers. Admiring architecture of the old & new. Walking down a path of history. Swimming. Sand beneath & in between my toes. Cozy blankets. Seeking adventure. Writing of all kinds. Reading. Love songs. Musical abilities of others. Music in general. Poetry. Making others laugh, smile, & be happy.
And more...
I love: To love.
I live: To love.
Only three of the things I wrote have to do with people specifically. So what other love would you say I am missing?
Romantic love?
Isn't it the case when someone asks you, "Have you ever been in love?" Your first thought is that of romantic love. Why is that kind of love at the forefront of our minds? I guess that is a mystery to me.
So, by the definition of love being romantic, have I loved? No, not even close.
So does that mean I don't know what love is?
Not at all.
So is that why we fear of never falling in love? But, hey wait a minute... Don't we already know what love truly is?
Guess what I was waiting for.
GOD.
God is Love.
Love by definition isn't about falling for another person; We don't need romantic love to tell us what we are supposedly missing. That's not even a fraction of it...
We are too content playing in the puddles when we have a whole ocean at our reach....
I had been playing wildly in the puddles for far too long.
Then I finally saw the beauty of the ocean in it's perfect splendor.
I ran out joyfully with my arms stretched wide,
To dive in deep,
Water rushing past my body,
Feeling real love for the first time.
I don't want to hold anything back now.
Everything I do, I want to do in a love that has been poured into me from a Father who LOVES infallibly.
...So am I missing anything?
Not by a long-shot.
You know why?
Everything else I love is a light that shines into my heart and comforts my soul.
Love can radiate into another's life just from us living and showing love.
We are given things in life to love, too; I'd like to say that they are gifts...
Love is a gift.
And I can only imagine what a rare gift it will be to be in love with another person in an utmost, mysterious way. And I know this love defined by romance here on earth will be a true blessing.
I know I'll treasure that gift forever. Until the end...
But in the meantime, why do we view love as if there is something missing? It's a gift that comes in all shapes and sizes, during different seasons, and has touched our lives in certain ways we may never understand.
So what is there to fear? What have we defined love to be? Love is found anywhere. Love can be anything.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."* I believe the same thing for love.
Love is seeking, breathing, being, seeing, touching. Love is alive.
Because God loved us first...Love is illuminated in everything.
*Ecclesiastes 3:11
Where does love exist?
Love is defined by a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Interesting, I thought. Do I love, then?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
But I believe it is even deeper than that definition. I think that there is something inherently sown into us that wants to keep seeking for more. But what do I define by that which I love?Family. Friendships. Watching little children play. Painting. Photographing. Drawing. Admiring Art. Sunrises & sunsets. Cloud formations. Stars. Rainbows. Listening to the wind. Feeling Fall air. Nostalgic smells. Cooking. Sporting events. Driving illegally fast. Picking flowers. Admiring architecture of the old & new. Walking down a path of history. Swimming. Sand beneath & in between my toes. Cozy blankets. Seeking adventure. Writing of all kinds. Reading. Love songs. Musical abilities of others. Music in general. Poetry. Making others laugh, smile, & be happy.
And more...
I love: To love.
I live: To love.
Only three of the things I wrote have to do with people specifically. So what other love would you say I am missing?
Romantic love?
Isn't it the case when someone asks you, "Have you ever been in love?" Your first thought is that of romantic love. Why is that kind of love at the forefront of our minds? I guess that is a mystery to me.
So, by the definition of love being romantic, have I loved? No, not even close.
So does that mean I don't know what love is?
Not at all.
So is that why we fear of never falling in love? But, hey wait a minute... Don't we already know what love truly is?
Guess what I was waiting for.
GOD.
God is Love.
Love by definition isn't about falling for another person; We don't need romantic love to tell us what we are supposedly missing. That's not even a fraction of it...
We are too content playing in the puddles when we have a whole ocean at our reach....
I had been playing wildly in the puddles for far too long.
Then I finally saw the beauty of the ocean in it's perfect splendor.
I ran out joyfully with my arms stretched wide,
To dive in deep,
Water rushing past my body,
Feeling real love for the first time.
I don't want to hold anything back now.
Everything I do, I want to do in a love that has been poured into me from a Father who LOVES infallibly.
...So am I missing anything?
Not by a long-shot.
You know why?
Everything else I love is a light that shines into my heart and comforts my soul.
Love can radiate into another's life just from us living and showing love.
We are given things in life to love, too; I'd like to say that they are gifts...
Love is a gift.
And I can only imagine what a rare gift it will be to be in love with another person in an utmost, mysterious way. And I know this love defined by romance here on earth will be a true blessing.
I know I'll treasure that gift forever. Until the end...
But in the meantime, why do we view love as if there is something missing? It's a gift that comes in all shapes and sizes, during different seasons, and has touched our lives in certain ways we may never understand.
So what is there to fear? What have we defined love to be? Love is found anywhere. Love can be anything.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."* I believe the same thing for love.
Love is seeking, breathing, being, seeing, touching. Love is alive.
Because God loved us first...Love is illuminated in everything.
*Ecclesiastes 3:11
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
.disapate.dream.
Was it all but a dream?
When we laid together
Hand-in-hand?
Is it over now?
I just can't begin to understand.
It happened so fast
It ended so slow
Was it all but a dream?
Would you tell me no?
When we laid together
Hand-in-hand?
Is it over now?
I just can't begin to understand.
It happened so fast
It ended so slow
Was it all but a dream?
Would you tell me no?
Friday, September 19, 2008
.before.and.after.
It's always a mystery to me- - hindsight- - to look back on where one has been, and where they are now, and what superimposed change in their lives & hearts. I reflect back on the times I have often poked and prodded at the lack of adventure and spontaneity in my life, yet return to my roots of adventure and seeking to live my life the way it should be. Time is but a breath, so we better breathe it in... all of it.
Some of you know a lot about me, some of you just met me, and some of you think you know me- - but you really have no idea. And all of that is fine in and of itself. No one here on earth can fully know everything there is about someone else- - I don't think we even know or quite understand ourselves at times. With all this to say, I wanted to extend a hope of encouragement, perhaps a mere reflection of where I have been and how that has brought me up to this very point in my life.
I have grown dramatically since the beginning of this year. If you would have told me back in January that this is where my life was going to be, that all these changes were going to happen to me, I would have said, "yeah right."
This is taken back from an June 16, 2008 entry I wrote...
I am still learning & trying to process everything, but the fact of the matter is, I am stronger than I was before. I am a new person every time I begin a new journey. I am a new person with every circumstance that is found along the way.
--I have redefined my meaning. I have found purpose in a different way. I see things in a different light. I see that this time of singleness is a blessing, not a curse. I would have not met some awesome women if I had a boyfriend or was married. I would not have spent hours laughing & sharing hopes & dreams with them. On the other hand, I would have not met some really great guys that I could admire & get advice from & learn to develop needed friendships with men. I am going through all of this for a reason! I am still on a path of singleness because I am still learning. If I was married, I would not be able to experience it this way. Something changes when you get married. You lose a part of something special that we should cherish, not let tarnish because we are unsatisfied with our relationship status. Sure, it can get lonely. Of course a part of us hardens when we read, say, a wedding announcement that says "...and guest." Who are we kidding? Of course we wish it were us sending out the invite. But there is a reason why it is not. And there is a reason why I have only met men who are just friends. Even a man I really admire. Maybe God has shown me this man's heart for a reason... perhaps I was able to see for a brief moment, a genuine heart... a man after God's own heart... to know it's real & to know that some day it can be mine.
tired of mediocrity
Some of you are aware that I took a short journey, as I like to call it, to Kansas City, MO. This took place after much pursuing - - and realization in my heart that God wanted me to go. I really had no idea why, but I knew it was right. I never felt so much tug on my heart to do anything like this before. It was totally on faith.
I drove down with my friend Josh, and we finally arrived on August 9, 2008 at approximately 7:30am near the campus grounds of the International House of Prayer. I couldn't believe I had done it. I was about to encounter a great realization from the Lord, and He had been waiting for me.
I spent numerous hours in the Prayer Room - - which for those of you who don't know, it is a 24/7 place of worship and prayer. Throughout this time, I was able to soak in unspeakable words through prayer and meditation. I wrote quite a few poems in this time as well, and really focused on why I was there - - why God called me there. I can't recall what day it was in my week's time I spent there, but soon after, I realized I wasn't there necessarily for myself- - I was there to be used by God - - to extend out His love & goodness to others, to my friends.
What a wild encounter it was. I ended up writing a story/poem for Josh. He can tell you himself how it made him feel, how I touched into something that was so deep inside, and this all came because the Lord was speaking through me to show him something. How incredibly awesome that was for me, and I'm sure for my friends. That is something rare and beautiful.
I could write more and more about my time spent there. But simply put, God changed my heart.
I was sitting in my room, about a week or so after visiting there. I was reading a book that my friend Peter let me borrow. In it was a passage written about how we hold onto our burdens and hurts so closely, we let them define who we are. Grace isn't attractive to us because of that. We long to hold onto something familiar, that we hold onto things that are no good for us. We lock our hearts to the love God has. *ding* It was like a flood of realization came at me full-force, pushing me to the ground. I sat and stared & re-read it again and again. My emotions spilled out, pouring into my hands. "This has been me, for so long. I have locked the door to my heart away from you Lord, for so long... I always believed, but I never truly felt your love. My heart has been covering old wounds in bandages so tightly bound, suffocating the life out of me so I couldn't feel your loving powers heal me." I couldn't believe this is what it was... this is what it has been all along. The door to my heart has had many locks on it - - storing away my hurts so I could hold onto something real, something familiar. But praise God, he never gives up. He kept after me, working on me, calling to desire me, saying I am HIS called, His beloved that he wants. The key to those locks were slowly opening, in their own time. Finally, I was on the last lock. And THIS realization was the last lock, and He helped me open it, and the door to my heart swung wide open, shooting unspeakable amounts of love and light and wonder into my heart. The heart of loving God purely, innocently, and fully in every way possible.
I finally felt IN love with the Maker of my Soul.
I finally KNEW what it meant to be in love. To be in a real relationship with Him.
I am able to love fully because He loved me first.
It's my story up until this very moment of my existence. With all this to write, I want to say don't give up. Keep letting the Lord unlock the doors to your heart- - with all the stored up hurts you keep hidden, with all the pain you have buried deep down. He can & He will see you through. He will never leave you behind to fight it on your own. He's always there with us, you know. We are the ones who walk away from Him.
So where does this leave me now? Well, that is a great question. I think for me, it means to keep my heart close to God's, to keep seeking His will for my life. What does that mean for me? Well, I think for me... God has placed a deep desire to help others - - to be an expression of his love - - to see the depth of other's hearts - - and use it for His continuing glory, not for my own. I am a weak soul, but in his love I am made perfect.
You know what I want to be? I want to continually redefine what society says I'm supposed to be. I'm not here for myself, I'm not here to please others, I am here for another purpose. People can think I am crazy and "so out there," but that's their own fears and manipulating talk that has poisoned their hearts away from the Lord. I want to be that gentle and quiet spirit who loves the Lord. I want to exuberantly love in all aspects in my life. I want to show love in more ways than I can give. God is molding and shaping my heart into something greater than I can even imagine. His love is making me... I am a piece of art made in his image - - always being re-touched and erased- - continually being drawn back in when I've faded out - - always adding something to make me more unique than before. I won't be completed until the last stroke of the brush paints something beautiful. All in His timing. It is always perfect, even when I can't see what will be finished in the end.
So, for you women out there. I challenge you to be a gentle and quiet spirit. Find your worth in the Lord - - the one who knows your deepest desires. He longs for you, His beloved. He loves you just as you are. He desires to know you - - heart and soul. He wants to rescue you, he loves everything there is about you... He did make you, you know. Let him captivate you, let him ravish you; you are his beautiful bride, the pinnacle of creation. Let his love carry you.
And for the men. This is how I have become to see it. I think a guy who is after God's heart will be wild - - He will be so passionate about God that he will be a warrior for him, and will want to see justice and good served out in each thing. He will want to see God's glory shining in everything he comes in contact with. His motives towards others will be pure-- he will genuinely reach out to those who are seeking, and he will constantly be running to his life source-- His Maker. In times of trouble, God will be his support. In times of greatness, he will humble himself before His King and sing praises, for He is good. He will love unselfishly, always persevering to something greater than his own. He will be patient, always seeking God for truth. He will want the best for a woman, his partner in life. He will lead her and be her strength. He will protect her, respect her, and keep her pure. He will become a reflection of the One who made him. He will find hope in this love, and always love until the day he dies.
That is the women and men I see who lives in Christ.
So don't give up. Don't lose hope. He's coming... He's coming soon.
Until then...
Some of you know a lot about me, some of you just met me, and some of you think you know me- - but you really have no idea. And all of that is fine in and of itself. No one here on earth can fully know everything there is about someone else- - I don't think we even know or quite understand ourselves at times. With all this to say, I wanted to extend a hope of encouragement, perhaps a mere reflection of where I have been and how that has brought me up to this very point in my life.
I have grown dramatically since the beginning of this year. If you would have told me back in January that this is where my life was going to be, that all these changes were going to happen to me, I would have said, "yeah right."
This is taken back from an June 16, 2008 entry I wrote...
I am still learning & trying to process everything, but the fact of the matter is, I am stronger than I was before. I am a new person every time I begin a new journey. I am a new person with every circumstance that is found along the way.
--I have redefined my meaning. I have found purpose in a different way. I see things in a different light. I see that this time of singleness is a blessing, not a curse. I would have not met some awesome women if I had a boyfriend or was married. I would not have spent hours laughing & sharing hopes & dreams with them. On the other hand, I would have not met some really great guys that I could admire & get advice from & learn to develop needed friendships with men. I am going through all of this for a reason! I am still on a path of singleness because I am still learning. If I was married, I would not be able to experience it this way. Something changes when you get married. You lose a part of something special that we should cherish, not let tarnish because we are unsatisfied with our relationship status. Sure, it can get lonely. Of course a part of us hardens when we read, say, a wedding announcement that says "...and guest." Who are we kidding? Of course we wish it were us sending out the invite. But there is a reason why it is not. And there is a reason why I have only met men who are just friends. Even a man I really admire. Maybe God has shown me this man's heart for a reason... perhaps I was able to see for a brief moment, a genuine heart... a man after God's own heart... to know it's real & to know that some day it can be mine.
tired of mediocrity
Some of you are aware that I took a short journey, as I like to call it, to Kansas City, MO. This took place after much pursuing - - and realization in my heart that God wanted me to go. I really had no idea why, but I knew it was right. I never felt so much tug on my heart to do anything like this before. It was totally on faith.
I drove down with my friend Josh, and we finally arrived on August 9, 2008 at approximately 7:30am near the campus grounds of the International House of Prayer. I couldn't believe I had done it. I was about to encounter a great realization from the Lord, and He had been waiting for me.
I spent numerous hours in the Prayer Room - - which for those of you who don't know, it is a 24/7 place of worship and prayer. Throughout this time, I was able to soak in unspeakable words through prayer and meditation. I wrote quite a few poems in this time as well, and really focused on why I was there - - why God called me there. I can't recall what day it was in my week's time I spent there, but soon after, I realized I wasn't there necessarily for myself- - I was there to be used by God - - to extend out His love & goodness to others, to my friends.
What a wild encounter it was. I ended up writing a story/poem for Josh. He can tell you himself how it made him feel, how I touched into something that was so deep inside, and this all came because the Lord was speaking through me to show him something. How incredibly awesome that was for me, and I'm sure for my friends. That is something rare and beautiful.
I could write more and more about my time spent there. But simply put, God changed my heart.
I was sitting in my room, about a week or so after visiting there. I was reading a book that my friend Peter let me borrow. In it was a passage written about how we hold onto our burdens and hurts so closely, we let them define who we are. Grace isn't attractive to us because of that. We long to hold onto something familiar, that we hold onto things that are no good for us. We lock our hearts to the love God has. *ding* It was like a flood of realization came at me full-force, pushing me to the ground. I sat and stared & re-read it again and again. My emotions spilled out, pouring into my hands. "This has been me, for so long. I have locked the door to my heart away from you Lord, for so long... I always believed, but I never truly felt your love. My heart has been covering old wounds in bandages so tightly bound, suffocating the life out of me so I couldn't feel your loving powers heal me." I couldn't believe this is what it was... this is what it has been all along. The door to my heart has had many locks on it - - storing away my hurts so I could hold onto something real, something familiar. But praise God, he never gives up. He kept after me, working on me, calling to desire me, saying I am HIS called, His beloved that he wants. The key to those locks were slowly opening, in their own time. Finally, I was on the last lock. And THIS realization was the last lock, and He helped me open it, and the door to my heart swung wide open, shooting unspeakable amounts of love and light and wonder into my heart. The heart of loving God purely, innocently, and fully in every way possible.
I finally felt IN love with the Maker of my Soul.
I finally KNEW what it meant to be in love. To be in a real relationship with Him.
I am able to love fully because He loved me first.
It's my story up until this very moment of my existence. With all this to write, I want to say don't give up. Keep letting the Lord unlock the doors to your heart- - with all the stored up hurts you keep hidden, with all the pain you have buried deep down. He can & He will see you through. He will never leave you behind to fight it on your own. He's always there with us, you know. We are the ones who walk away from Him.
So where does this leave me now? Well, that is a great question. I think for me, it means to keep my heart close to God's, to keep seeking His will for my life. What does that mean for me? Well, I think for me... God has placed a deep desire to help others - - to be an expression of his love - - to see the depth of other's hearts - - and use it for His continuing glory, not for my own. I am a weak soul, but in his love I am made perfect.
You know what I want to be? I want to continually redefine what society says I'm supposed to be. I'm not here for myself, I'm not here to please others, I am here for another purpose. People can think I am crazy and "so out there," but that's their own fears and manipulating talk that has poisoned their hearts away from the Lord. I want to be that gentle and quiet spirit who loves the Lord. I want to exuberantly love in all aspects in my life. I want to show love in more ways than I can give. God is molding and shaping my heart into something greater than I can even imagine. His love is making me... I am a piece of art made in his image - - always being re-touched and erased- - continually being drawn back in when I've faded out - - always adding something to make me more unique than before. I won't be completed until the last stroke of the brush paints something beautiful. All in His timing. It is always perfect, even when I can't see what will be finished in the end.
So, for you women out there. I challenge you to be a gentle and quiet spirit. Find your worth in the Lord - - the one who knows your deepest desires. He longs for you, His beloved. He loves you just as you are. He desires to know you - - heart and soul. He wants to rescue you, he loves everything there is about you... He did make you, you know. Let him captivate you, let him ravish you; you are his beautiful bride, the pinnacle of creation. Let his love carry you.
And for the men. This is how I have become to see it. I think a guy who is after God's heart will be wild - - He will be so passionate about God that he will be a warrior for him, and will want to see justice and good served out in each thing. He will want to see God's glory shining in everything he comes in contact with. His motives towards others will be pure-- he will genuinely reach out to those who are seeking, and he will constantly be running to his life source-- His Maker. In times of trouble, God will be his support. In times of greatness, he will humble himself before His King and sing praises, for He is good. He will love unselfishly, always persevering to something greater than his own. He will be patient, always seeking God for truth. He will want the best for a woman, his partner in life. He will lead her and be her strength. He will protect her, respect her, and keep her pure. He will become a reflection of the One who made him. He will find hope in this love, and always love until the day he dies.
That is the women and men I see who lives in Christ.
So don't give up. Don't lose hope. He's coming... He's coming soon.
Until then...
Sunday, August 24, 2008
.wake.up.O.sleeper.
August 9-16 will always hold a special place down in my heart.
There has been a significant change and I know it well. It feels like sun rays passing through my body, slowly melting all the darkness away, to purify my heart and to make it new.
The warm arms of love surround me, and everything is made beautiful once again.
Simple.
Beautiful.
Radiant.
It's Your Love in me.
And I'll always have You near, nothing can steal You away from me.
Never
Again.
It's simple, really.
Just believe,
Open your eyes,
Free fall into the unknown, that is known not by you, but by HIM.
I can't stop this electric pulse that is shocking me with every inch of my being.
~*Your beauty surrounds, your glory abounds, the wonders of your love*~
I had a dream. The dream had old dried up flowers in a vase. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the flowers turned and gave new life, and were a bright-colored orange that magnified the room-- a color I had never laid my eyes upon before.
To resemble kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain.
Perfection and spirituality.
To be an expression of love, joy and happiness. --That is what I bring...
~"Wake up, O Sleeper, rise from the dead, & Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14*
~"This is what we came here for, to behold and bless the LORD!" -Proverbs 4:15a
~"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction." -Proverbs 16:21
I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known...
*Switchfoot*
There has been a significant change and I know it well. It feels like sun rays passing through my body, slowly melting all the darkness away, to purify my heart and to make it new.
The warm arms of love surround me, and everything is made beautiful once again.
Simple.
Beautiful.
Radiant.
It's Your Love in me.
And I'll always have You near, nothing can steal You away from me.
Never
Again.
It's simple, really.
Just believe,
Open your eyes,
Free fall into the unknown, that is known not by you, but by HIM.
I can't stop this electric pulse that is shocking me with every inch of my being.
~*Your beauty surrounds, your glory abounds, the wonders of your love*~
I had a dream. The dream had old dried up flowers in a vase. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the flowers turned and gave new life, and were a bright-colored orange that magnified the room-- a color I had never laid my eyes upon before.
To resemble kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain.
Perfection and spirituality.
To be an expression of love, joy and happiness. --That is what I bring...
~"Wake up, O Sleeper, rise from the dead, & Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14*
~"This is what we came here for, to behold and bless the LORD!" -Proverbs 4:15a
~"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction." -Proverbs 16:21
I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known...
*Switchfoot*
Friday, August 01, 2008
.change.
I am learning to breathe, I am learning to trust. I am only everything because of the ONE who delights in me, who loves me, who protects me, who fights for me, who finds me worthy & beautiful. A broken mess I have been. A perfect Love has washed me clean.For that, I am desired, I am His Beloved. There's an electric pulse that I can't escape...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
.abandoned.heart.
...And I've come this far
...Just for it to fall apart
...an abandoned heart
...where's the beauty, where is the hope beneath the pain?
timing is everything
they told me
but love,
my heart is ticking
like a clock
racing against time
wanting but not having
seeking but not finding
hoping but not receiving
I've been waiting for so long.
I can't quite explain
all that I want
all that I need
I don't know why
I feel this way
I thought it was right
it just doesn't make sense
why must I fall
with my abandoned heart
lying on the floor?
I'm at your door,
knocking
please let me know
why I must hurt
why I am here again
my jealous eyes see their delights
it's too hard for me to look
I'm back at the place I started
no farther than where I began.
timing is everything
they told me
but love,
where do I begin to start
how this makes me feel
my heart has slowly stopped beating
the clock is no longer ticking
It's all over now
I've given up.
love,
do you hear me?
I've abandoned my heart
just for you, tonight
please hold on to it
I can't take much more
No more searching
No more waiting
Here's my abandoned heart
Just for You.
A reflection of what I am feeling.
A broken mess.
I just don't understand why this always happens.
Why?
Lord, do you hear me?
Why must I abandon my heart when it's feeling so much...
Why must it get ripped out of my chest...
Why?
When will he notice me, for me? When will he... come?
I can't take much more of this.
...Just for it to fall apart
...an abandoned heart
...where's the beauty, where is the hope beneath the pain?
timing is everything
they told me
but love,
my heart is ticking
like a clock
racing against time
wanting but not having
seeking but not finding
hoping but not receiving
I've been waiting for so long.
I can't quite explain
all that I want
all that I need
I don't know why
I feel this way
I thought it was right
it just doesn't make sense
why must I fall
with my abandoned heart
lying on the floor?
I'm at your door,
knocking
please let me know
why I must hurt
why I am here again
my jealous eyes see their delights
it's too hard for me to look
I'm back at the place I started
no farther than where I began.
timing is everything
they told me
but love,
where do I begin to start
how this makes me feel
my heart has slowly stopped beating
the clock is no longer ticking
It's all over now
I've given up.
love,
do you hear me?
I've abandoned my heart
just for you, tonight
please hold on to it
I can't take much more
No more searching
No more waiting
Here's my abandoned heart
Just for You.
A reflection of what I am feeling.
A broken mess.
I just don't understand why this always happens.
Why?
Lord, do you hear me?
Why must I abandon my heart when it's feeling so much...
Why must it get ripped out of my chest...
Why?
When will he notice me, for me? When will he... come?
I can't take much more of this.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
.dust.around.us.
...Just take a step back, let the dust settle, count to ten, and breathe.
I really don't know what to stand on right now. Is the ground firm beneath me? It feels like I am sinking through this. I hope, I pray, I long for this desire to come a reality.
But what if it is not right?
Again, Lord?
My heart cannot take it.
You have a plan, I realize this. My heart is heavy, still my hope remains.
But I don't know what to think anymore. . .
You mean more to me,
I'm not gonna lose you this way,
But the truth is, I don't know,
What you do to me,
I can barely breathe,
When you're sitting next to me.
So the truth is, I don't know,
Why you make me feel this way,
I can barely breathe,
I can barely see,
With the dust all around me,
All that remains is...
I really don't know what to stand on right now. Is the ground firm beneath me? It feels like I am sinking through this. I hope, I pray, I long for this desire to come a reality.
But what if it is not right?
Again, Lord?
My heart cannot take it.
You have a plan, I realize this. My heart is heavy, still my hope remains.
But I don't know what to think anymore. . .
You mean more to me,
I'm not gonna lose you this way,
But the truth is, I don't know,
What you do to me,
I can barely breathe,
When you're sitting next to me.
So the truth is, I don't know,
Why you make me feel this way,
I can barely breathe,
I can barely see,
With the dust all around me,
All that remains is...
Sunday, July 06, 2008
.skinned.knees.
Life is really something.
It has taken me awhile to fully understand some issues about myself, others, friendships, and relationships. Things never go the way you plan or the way you hope. So often, I tend to put my trust in others instead of putting my trust in God.
John 14:1 -"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust in me [Jesus]."
I don't really know why I lack trust other than I want to control what I don't know. How is that even possible?
It took the Truth to set me free. I was feeling the weight of these chains, and His Word spoke to me, in ways I never felt before.
Psalm 73: 26 -"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
It's taken years to get to this point in my life. I'm still growing to see something more than what I'm living for. Everything taken in strides and steps-- maybe not always in the direction I thought, but as I dredged through the forest of lies & deception, my feet were untied from the weight of the sin I was carrying around. I hate who I was. I hated what my heart looked like.
I am embracing a sense of renewal in my heart. I am seeing things from a better light. I think it's that washing from the Holy Spirit into my life. I never felt the kind of peace I now feel when I read the Bible. It hasn't become a chore, it's become a way of life. It is my source. It is the Truth that sets me free from the bondage and weight of sin.
Here I am, with outstretched hands... pour into me, a young girl with skinned knees. Repair my heart, give it new life. Breathe into me. Love, love me deeply.
It has taken me awhile to fully understand some issues about myself, others, friendships, and relationships. Things never go the way you plan or the way you hope. So often, I tend to put my trust in others instead of putting my trust in God.
John 14:1 -"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust in me [Jesus]."
I don't really know why I lack trust other than I want to control what I don't know. How is that even possible?
It took the Truth to set me free. I was feeling the weight of these chains, and His Word spoke to me, in ways I never felt before.
Psalm 73: 26 -"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
It's taken years to get to this point in my life. I'm still growing to see something more than what I'm living for. Everything taken in strides and steps-- maybe not always in the direction I thought, but as I dredged through the forest of lies & deception, my feet were untied from the weight of the sin I was carrying around. I hate who I was. I hated what my heart looked like.
I am embracing a sense of renewal in my heart. I am seeing things from a better light. I think it's that washing from the Holy Spirit into my life. I never felt the kind of peace I now feel when I read the Bible. It hasn't become a chore, it's become a way of life. It is my source. It is the Truth that sets me free from the bondage and weight of sin.
Here I am, with outstretched hands... pour into me, a young girl with skinned knees. Repair my heart, give it new life. Breathe into me. Love, love me deeply.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
.pure.reflection.
My friend stuck out the verse John 17:3 the other night... it didn't pop out at me like some verses, but I decided to read John 15, 16, 17 to gather more of a whole picture. And these passages definitely "popped" out at me...
John 16:
31"You believe at last!" Jesus answered. 32"But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
~It's funny to me how... it was even hard for Jesus' disciples to believe in him... & the people who lived in the time Jesus did.... and he was right there walking, talking, teaching, guiding them in the flesh. Hm... just struck me... & knowing all things Jesus said/taught... he wanted to give us peace about it... often for me, I tend to forget & start worrying or not trusting. But it's true... it is Truth... He has overcome the world. What a powerful statement!
~I'm not sure why that passage stuck out the way it did. That happens though... something we see differently than a time before!
Also this...
John 17:
22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23 I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26 I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
~I think that is so powerful... the prayer Jesus had for us. We could only know the love of the Father through Jesus, and in him, we fully know that Love.... amazing! I love it.
~I've been having a sort of calming revelation about certain things recently. I feel at peace about something that had been constantly tugging at my heart. I don't know what that peace means... but I'm hoping for the best outcome from it. I know God is faithful... I know God is true... I know he wants the best for me... and obviously he knows the timing in everything.
No other knows me like you do.
John 16:
31"You believe at last!" Jesus answered. 32"But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
~It's funny to me how... it was even hard for Jesus' disciples to believe in him... & the people who lived in the time Jesus did.... and he was right there walking, talking, teaching, guiding them in the flesh. Hm... just struck me... & knowing all things Jesus said/taught... he wanted to give us peace about it... often for me, I tend to forget & start worrying or not trusting. But it's true... it is Truth... He has overcome the world. What a powerful statement!
~I'm not sure why that passage stuck out the way it did. That happens though... something we see differently than a time before!
Also this...
John 17:
22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23 I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26 I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
~I think that is so powerful... the prayer Jesus had for us. We could only know the love of the Father through Jesus, and in him, we fully know that Love.... amazing! I love it.
~I've been having a sort of calming revelation about certain things recently. I feel at peace about something that had been constantly tugging at my heart. I don't know what that peace means... but I'm hoping for the best outcome from it. I know God is faithful... I know God is true... I know he wants the best for me... and obviously he knows the timing in everything.
No other knows me like you do.
Monday, June 23, 2008
.plain.hope.
"He made you feel plain when he forgot your name... Let me tell you something, I have felt the same...I know you're in pain... God- He made you beautiful, and there's nothing about you that's plain...."
There always comes a time where I feel nothing but plain.
I feel that I'm not their type.
I feel insecure of who I am.
I feel that I can't measure up to their standards of beauty.
Am I beautiful?
Am I worthy of love?
Am I really anything but plain?
Why does she capture the attention of the crowd,
Why do all the guys admire her from afar,
And want to get to know her?
But there is something about her that they don't see,
She feels plain, she feels used, she feels bitter, but she'll entertain you and be your muse.
I look your way,
But you just smile and say,
You're my friend,
You're my sister,
You're just not the type,
I'd want for a wife....
There are many days I feel this way & feel the pain of not feeling what those other girls get to feel. Why do they get to have someone that cares for them, puts them before their own needs, and really respects them for who they are? Why am I not being pursued?
Then smart-girl mode comes in & sets my insecure mind straight.
"Just shut up already."
You are a beautiful person inside & out... you are a princess so set apart, that guys just don't appreciate what you are, and are not out to get someone hard, they want someone easy. So don't settle for less than what you deserve. You are precious. You are worth more than anything that they desire to seek from you. Hold out. Hold on. Don't give up on the dream. If anything, it suits you well. There has always been something internally desirable about you. Something breath-taking that is yet to be discovered. Keep it hidden. Keep it near. Have your heart so close to the Lord's. He will always protect, always love, and always perservere.
But oohh... insecure-girl likes to pop her head out again....
How do I know is it worth the wait? How do I know some guy will even think I'm desirable to pursue? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just trust?
The heart grows stronger or fonder... but how much can one take? The pain of waiting is a burden that isn't light. What am I really waiting for? Who is it that holds another part of me? Is it really going to be all I ever dreamed?
There always comes a time where I feel nothing but plain.
I feel that I'm not their type.
I feel insecure of who I am.
I feel that I can't measure up to their standards of beauty.
Am I beautiful?
Am I worthy of love?
Am I really anything but plain?
Why does she capture the attention of the crowd,
Why do all the guys admire her from afar,
And want to get to know her?
But there is something about her that they don't see,
She feels plain, she feels used, she feels bitter, but she'll entertain you and be your muse.
I look your way,
But you just smile and say,
You're my friend,
You're my sister,
You're just not the type,
I'd want for a wife....
There are many days I feel this way & feel the pain of not feeling what those other girls get to feel. Why do they get to have someone that cares for them, puts them before their own needs, and really respects them for who they are? Why am I not being pursued?
Then smart-girl mode comes in & sets my insecure mind straight.
"Just shut up already."
You are a beautiful person inside & out... you are a princess so set apart, that guys just don't appreciate what you are, and are not out to get someone hard, they want someone easy. So don't settle for less than what you deserve. You are precious. You are worth more than anything that they desire to seek from you. Hold out. Hold on. Don't give up on the dream. If anything, it suits you well. There has always been something internally desirable about you. Something breath-taking that is yet to be discovered. Keep it hidden. Keep it near. Have your heart so close to the Lord's. He will always protect, always love, and always perservere.
But oohh... insecure-girl likes to pop her head out again....
How do I know is it worth the wait? How do I know some guy will even think I'm desirable to pursue? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just trust?
The heart grows stronger or fonder... but how much can one take? The pain of waiting is a burden that isn't light. What am I really waiting for? Who is it that holds another part of me? Is it really going to be all I ever dreamed?
:You are a jewel, you are a treasure, you are one of a kind. And you shine just as bright as the stars in the sky. You are a rare kind of wonder, created just right... so keep your head up no matter the pain... there's nothing about you that's plain:
Right now I sit here... wondering.
It's hard to be content with where you're at when where you are at is not where you'd hope you'd be by now. There's a lot to sort through. I know I'm real in who I am. I know I'm not plain. I know I'm one of a kind. I know I have a lot to offer. I love giving.... giving advice, praise, love, guidance. I love being... just that. I don't have anyone I need to impress. I am just me. If that's not someone's type, then I guess that is just too bad for them.
I'm tired of waiting.
And I mean, I'm tired of waiting for a desire that I really want no part of.
I'm tired of hoping for something.
But I'm grateful I've come this far.
I'm holding out for so much more.
I hope he's doing the same.
So about being plain?
No...
Just Beauty.
There's always beauty in the wait.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
glow. :: .soul
Do you see my light shining?
Do you see a difference in me?
Do you see Jesus inside of me?
Is it real? Am I real?
I want so much of me to be glowing with radiance for His glory.
...but I fall so short of that.
I want to show others His love & compassion in every day life.
...but I fail to always show mercy.
I want to be everything and more for You.
...but don't even come close.
I just want to be worthy of love
I want to show you beauty that is inside
Sometimes I wish I were someone other than me
But you say "who you are is quite enough... you are worthy of love... you are beautiful."
My desire is you. pursuing you. knowing you. stealing your heart.
I am not who I was. He has renewed me.
I will fall many times, but He is always there to pick me up.
He has redeemed me. "Here I am" I call out to you.
use me. for Your glory.
I don't know where that will lead me, but You know...
Do you see a difference in me?
Do you see Jesus inside of me?
Is it real? Am I real?
I want so much of me to be glowing with radiance for His glory.
...but I fall so short of that.
I want to show others His love & compassion in every day life.
...but I fail to always show mercy.
I want to be everything and more for You.
...but don't even come close.
I just want to be worthy of love
I want to show you beauty that is inside
Sometimes I wish I were someone other than me
But you say "who you are is quite enough... you are worthy of love... you are beautiful."
My desire is you. pursuing you. knowing you. stealing your heart.
I am not who I was. He has renewed me.
I will fall many times, but He is always there to pick me up.
He has redeemed me. "Here I am" I call out to you.
use me. for Your glory.
I don't know where that will lead me, but You know...
Friday, May 02, 2008
Indescribable
I need to make mental notes from time to time here... trying to decipher what is in my heart. What is really real and what is just a desired dream. Sometimes I think I know what I want... but do I really? Maybe it is a false doubt that creeps up behind me to grab a hold of me to speak wrongs when I know it's right. Yes... I think so. I know what I want-- relationally, but anything else, I don't really know. What is God's purpose for me? Will we ever really figure it out? Maybe it's more simple than what we make it out to be. We are to show love & be love-- we are to extend out our hand to those in need-- we are to be a light for others, to shine His light. Sometimes I think I know what that really means, then sometimes my thoughts and feelings over-cloud my judgment. Life is simple but beautifully designed for each one of us.
So that brings me to my next thought. I feel so compelled to reach out for God's hand and for Him to never let go of it. Almost like a man so in love with me... he knows everything about me! He knows what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my desires are,.... he knows everything! WOW! It's so hard to comprehend, but so wonderful at the same time. This is everything I want. He longs for me. He sees me as beautiful. He put a passion in my heart & soul... I am trying to make sense of it all and what it means... I'm getting closer to the truth... to where YOU want me to be. A verse that I love is Isaiah 44:22, which says
"I have swept your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." How exciting is that??? VERY!
My heart is finding rest. I long for this, and I long for another. I don't really know why my heart must feel so strongly about someone. I try to figure out if my heart really feels what my mind says it does. Or vice-versa. I don't need a distraction. I see something in him that is rare... or am I just making it more appealing because I want it? I'm not sure. I want that same kind of passion to be towards God. I want that love to be so giddy and free! I think I'm getting closer to that. I know God isn't a feeling nor is life. My heart smiles more now than it did before. It's like I know I've captured this man, and He has captured me too. It's like this fresh new beginning down in my heart. A NEW me. A better me. I am going forward, I'm not looking back. There is love ahead of me.
I don't know what to do about the other part of my heart that longs for a man. But I finally understand what it means when they say that "a woman's heart must be so close to God's, that a man has to seek Him to find her." So true. That is the best kind of love out there. Why settle for anything less than what God wants for you? I've given my heart out freely so many times, that I've often settled for less than what I know God wanted for me. And it was all because my desire clouded my vision. I was just giving in so I could feel something like love, because I didn't know where else to get it from. Sure I receive it from family and friends, but we were created for more than that... it will always be a longing for us. Now, knowing about this longing and desire... what will we do about it? I could throw myself out there to a bunch of different guys... hoping one would take notice and pursue me... but in the back of my mind saying "maybe I could do better." Maybe? Not maybe, but yes! I wouldn't think that way if I knew I had something good & real with a guy. I don't believe I'd be second-guessing myself like that. I've second guessed about guys my whole life-- well, from the time I started liking them. So easily we throw our pearls to pigs, ladies. And not to say all guys are pigs, but a lot are... and we are precious like pearls... why allow these pigs to trample over our precious selves? Why throw ourselves out there to guys who don't deserve us? I hear time and time again to guard my heart. Hmm, what does that really mean? I think that means to keep your heart hidden in the Lord, and when our hearts are ready for another, the Lord will provide a way for a man to look to Him and see our hearts for the beauty that they behold. HE is trying to protect us because he is jealous over us... he loves us so much; He doesn't want to see us throw ourselves foolishly to a mere boy who cannot comprehend its beauty. We are so lovely, so precious to Him. He knows our desires... He knows mine. He knows yours. He knows exactly what I want. But what does He want? He wants my heart, first.
The cool thing about life is how God brings people into it right when you need them. I can think of a few good men that possess some great qualities that I look for in someone. I can see Christ living in them, and I see them pursuing a real, genuine relationship with Him. And THEY are "giddy" about it too! I love these guys so much. They are so strong. There is something that radiates outwardly from them all. It just made me realize how these guys were placed in my life for a reason (just like my friend's who are women). But it is different. I'll be bold here (what I am good at, ha) and announce how I could see myself with these guys. And I mean that as, they are the kind of guys I would love to love. If nothing happens with any of them romantically, then I'll be all the more glad I was able to experience the love of deep friendship -- because some people don't ever get to experience true, genuine love like that. I admire them very much. I respect them. I see so many good qualities in them. I just see their hearts and what they are made of... and that is what really matters. It is something to strive to save my heart for. It may not be what I had imagined, but it is what I need. God knows. He knows so well. I will trust even when it's hard. They have influenced me so much. For that I will be forever grateful. They are an answer to prayer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)