glow. :: .soul

Do you see my light shining?
Do you see a difference in me?
Do you see Jesus inside of me?

Is it real? Am I real?


I want so much of me to be glowing with radiance for His glory.
...but I fall so short of that.
I want to show others His love & compassion in every day life.
...but I fail to always show mercy.
I want to be everything and more for You.
...but don't even come close.

I just want to be worthy of love
I want to show you beauty that is inside
Sometimes I wish I were someone other than me
But you say "who you are is quite enough... you are worthy of love... you are beautiful."

My desire is you. pursuing you. knowing you. stealing your heart.


I am not who I was. He has renewed me.
I will fall many times, but He is always there to pick me up.
He has redeemed me. "Here I am" I call out to you.

use me. for Your glory.


I don't know where that will lead me, but You know...

Indescribable

I need to make mental notes from time to time here... trying to decipher what is in my heart. What is really real and what is just a desired dream. Sometimes I think I know what I want... but do I really? Maybe it is a false doubt that creeps up behind me to grab a hold of me to speak wrongs when I know it's right. Yes... I think so. I know what I want-- relationally, but anything else, I don't really know. What is God's purpose for me? Will we ever really figure it out? Maybe it's more simple than what we make it out to be. We are to show love & be love-- we are to extend out our hand to those in need-- we are to be a light for others, to shine His light. Sometimes I think I know what that really means, then sometimes my thoughts and feelings over-cloud my judgment. Life is simple but beautifully designed for each one of us.

So that brings me to my next thought. I feel so compelled to reach out for God's hand and for Him to never let go of it. Almost like a man so in love with me... he knows everything about me! He knows what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my desires are,.... he knows everything! WOW! It's so hard to comprehend, but so wonderful at the same time. This is everything I want. He longs for me. He sees me as beautiful. He put a passion in my heart & soul... I am trying to make sense of it all and what it means... I'm getting closer to the truth... to where YOU want me to be. A verse that I love is Isaiah 44:22, which says
"I have swept your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." How exciting is that??? VERY!
My heart is finding rest. I long for this, and I long for another. I don't really know why my heart must feel so strongly about someone. I try to figure out if my heart really feels what my mind says it does. Or vice-versa. I don't need a distraction. I see something in him that is rare... or am I just making it more appealing because I want it? I'm not sure. I want that same kind of passion to be towards God. I want that love to be so giddy and free! I think I'm getting closer to that. I know God isn't a feeling nor is life. My heart smiles more now than it did before. It's like I know I've captured this man, and He has captured me too. It's like this fresh new beginning down in my heart. A NEW me. A better me. I am going forward, I'm not looking back. There is love ahead of me.
I don't know what to do about the other part of my heart that longs for a man. But I finally understand what it means when they say that "a woman's heart must be so close to God's, that a man has to seek Him to find her." So true. That is the best kind of love out there. Why settle for anything less than what God wants for you? I've given my heart out freely so many times, that I've often settled for less than what I know God wanted for me. And it was all because my desire clouded my vision. I was just giving in so I could feel something like love, because I didn't know where else to get it from. Sure I receive it from family and friends, but we were created for more than that... it will always be a longing for us. Now, knowing about this longing and desire... what will we do about it? I could throw myself out there to a bunch of different guys... hoping one would take notice and pursue me... but in the back of my mind saying "maybe I could do better." Maybe? Not maybe, but yes! I wouldn't think that way if I knew I had something good & real with a guy. I don't believe I'd be second-guessing myself like that. I've second guessed about guys my whole life-- well, from the time I started liking them. So easily we throw our pearls to pigs, ladies. And not to say all guys are pigs, but a lot are... and we are precious like pearls... why allow these pigs to trample over our precious selves? Why throw ourselves out there to guys who don't deserve us? I hear time and time again to guard my heart. Hmm, what does that really mean? I think that means to keep your heart hidden in the Lord, and when our hearts are ready for another, the Lord will provide a way for a man to look to Him and see our hearts for the beauty that they behold. HE is trying to protect us because he is jealous over us... he loves us so much; He doesn't want to see us throw ourselves foolishly to a mere boy who cannot comprehend its beauty. We are so lovely, so precious to Him. He knows our desires... He knows mine. He knows yours. He knows exactly what I want. But what does He want? He wants my heart, first.

The cool thing about life is how God brings people into it right when you need them. I can think of a few good men that possess some great qualities that I look for in someone. I can see Christ living in them, and I see them pursuing a real, genuine relationship with Him. And THEY are "giddy" about it too! I love these guys so much. They are so strong. There is something that radiates outwardly from them all. It just made me realize how these guys were placed in my life for a reason (just like my friend's who are women). But it is different. I'll be bold here (what I am good at, ha) and announce how I could see myself with these guys. And I mean that as, they are the kind of guys I would love to love. If nothing happens with any of them romantically, then I'll be all the more glad I was able to experience the love of deep friendship -- because some people don't ever get to experience true, genuine love like that. I admire them very much. I respect them. I see so many good qualities in them. I just see their hearts and what they are made of... and that is what really matters. It is something to strive to save my heart for. It may not be what I had imagined, but it is what I need. God knows. He knows so well. I will trust even when it's hard. They have influenced me so much. For that I will be forever grateful. They are an answer to prayer.