Saturday, June 27, 2009

discovering.you

"Without you, I'm a cold dark stone- shine on me, I have no light of my own- You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun- And I am the moon..." ~Sara Groves

My mind is filled with so many thoughts right now. Some calming, some anxious, and some that sadden my heart.

I've been thinking about how the Lord has brought me to this place in my life. I know if I'm given 24 more years of life here, that I will see things through different eyes. It's always in hindsight that we see the truth that was always apparent. Why we don't see look to see it, I'm not sure. I guess maybe it's because we don't want to let go of our plans, our dreams, our wants, our desires.
I've learned a thing or two about that. I was just skating on thin ice until it gave way, and I fought hard to reach the surface, but I gave up. I just let myself drown. I didn't want to reach out for grace's hand. I had to feel it in my own heart, and let healing come. I may have suffered a frozen heart for some time, but I was brought out of it by God's grace. He melted away all my hurts and desires; he peeled back the layers of my heart that I tried so hard to hide. He was the one who fixed my broken soul. I sat on the dirty floor, and he took me and made me clean. His light poured into my heart-- and I was changed.
I always heard people saying how much they had God's love. How much they could feel it.
I never could. I never did...
Until that day.

And now, a year later. Wow. It seems a lot longer than that. He worked out everything in his timing. It's really a beautiful thing. I'm trying not to take things for granted, especially those around me. I want so much to bring my heart to this world, to be open and honest, to love selflessly, to remain vulnerable, to carry each other's burdens.

There's so many ways to hide. There's so many ways not to feel what is real. But I'm here to say, that it's a sorry way to live-- and I did it for far too long. I was too content playing in the puddles when I had the whole ocean in my view. The sun overpowered my dark corners & I wanted to stay put, afraid to burn, afraid to be alive.

But I'm not afraid anymore.

God brought me out of my shell of a heart. And I'm going to burn out bright for the glory of God.
This Kingdom is coming... So what are we going to do about it until then?



"This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful..." ~'Add to the Beauty'- Sara Groves

Saturday, June 20, 2009

divine.appointment

...If today was my very last day...



My heart is heavy right now with many things.
I don't understand how or why.
I just don't have peace in my heart.

I wonder how God feels. I wonder how much hurt I have put him through by doing what I want, and not what was best for me.

If the angst in my heart is a minimal fraction of how he feels, I just don't know how I'd live.
A friend lost a brother,
and my heart feels the pain,
I can't do anything,
But pray.

My heart thrives on helping,
And all I can do is pray?
It feels like nothing,
But it is everything,
More than I could ever imagine.

Leaning on trust,
Pure trust and understanding,
That it's not my Will,
But God's...

He is forever in control
He has a specific purpose for all of us
And some of us have a divine appointment before we know...
This was our very last day.

So what am I doing with my time?
Am I doing everything to bring Him glory?
Am I tired of doing the same routine,
Am I forgetful and thankful all at the same time?
How blessed am I,
To be where I am,
To live where I do,
To have a family like this,
It can all be over just like that...
And I set countless hours filled with worry
Losing chances to spread your name...

Maybe my heart not only feels extremely burdened by someone else's loss, but by the loss of my own time here on earth & what I've done with it. Why him and not me? What more is there that I have to do before it's my time? Maybe the very nature of my angst runs deeper than I realize. Someone affected my heart that I didn't even know. How can that be? I feel their pain, their sorrow, their loss. And I only knew his name.

The deeper I go, the deeper I fall, the deeper I feel, the deeper I love, the deeper I heal.
It's real.
All in the name of my Lord.

God used someone I didn't know to change my life. The tears pour out by the simple, yet profound feeling I am going through. I cannot fathom a loss like that-- I just don't know how I can-- I am feeling this so greatly, & I only feel a fraction of their pain. But my heart is changing by this. My mind will not stop thinking about it.
Is it only me?
It can't be.

God speaks when we listen with open hearts.
This much I know is true...

My GOD is mighty to save-
So take me as You find me
All my fears and my failures, Lord
Fill my life again with your perfect Love
I live to follow only You
Everything I believe in
I give to You, my life for You.

...Try as I may, I seem to always end up with my heart on a string, slowly floating away from me... Maybe my heart just has that Cinderella dream, as it keeps on floating, waiting to be caught & never let go of... It all seems like a dream that I'll never know... Still, You tell me it's okay, that it's not far away, You always make a way... I will trust in Your unfailing love, this is what I have to bring...


I wish I didn't worry so much about what tomorrow can bring. I pray that God seals my heart from these kinds of discontent feelings-- I hope when I see something new. It is my true Cinderella dream here on earth. I want to be whisked away by my Prince Charming, like every other woman. And then I remember the Judge's daughter-- who was unnamed-- who never married. All of her earthly dreams were broken that day when her father, home from war, promised her as a sacrifice to the Lord. What kind of sacrifice? I guess we'll never quite know. But a sacrifice no less... she was innocent and pure. She never got to enjoy getting married, having children, having grandchildren. Passing on a legecy.
That is a type of death to a woman. The death of a dream. But she did not waiver in her faith-- No, she went to the mountains and cried out to the Lord-- she spent time with Him. In her sorrows, she did not give up hope. She lived and died all the same. Her heart was for God, and she was blessed by her dedication.
So what am I? Can I fully give up my dream? Have I been doing that? -I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that in my waiting period, I have been doing what I need to do to further my heart deeper into the Lord-- to rely only on HIS LOVE. To know that he wants and desires all of who I am. I think we all have to mourn a bit of that dream, to fully love God the way we were meant to.
Maybe I'll never see that earthly Cinderella dream play out... maybe my time is just a short whisper away from ending. Should you mourn for me? Should I mourn with God? Yes. But blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [Matthew 5:4].
The Lord can and will bless me during this time of singleness. I only want the best of what He has for me... so why can't I wait? Why is waiting so hard to do? Why must my heart flutter when I receive attention from a godly guy who isn't the right one? Why do I even worry?
Why?

There's so much more to life than this...

I'm seeing things more clearly.

My heart still hurts for you. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. I just can't stop my mind from feeling this.
I'm so sorry.
God listens. He hears you.
He hears me too.

Monday, June 08, 2009

*poem

my heart is a vacant drive
won't you come find me here
drive down this empty road
with fallen tears
unmarked fears
windy storms
snowy trails
unspoken tales of a life born for greatness

And you take the road less traveled by
Following a maze of turns
A battered twist of discovery
You can't read the signs before you
But you travel on this road less traveled by
And that made all the difference

You find a disguise beyond these woods
A barren land filled with old fears
Raining down are my tears
You wonder what could cause so much pain
The wound of old lovers
The pain of these lies
Trapped you here in time.

Reach out, here I come
To a land far away
With a dream up the road
Fighting off the enemies of this one
You don't know why you're here
But you conquer her fears
You slay with one swift blow
And all of her old lovers lay below
Down in their graves to stay.

You pace up the path
A life uncertain discovered in this wrath
You hold on tight, never giving up
"This fight is one you'll never win"
But you ignore all that you hear
You have His strength near
Keep up, she's waiting.

One last test and here you are
Jump across, please don't fear
You look back one last time
"Is she really worth the fight?"
Shake off the feelings of inadequacy
Press on, you charge through the mess

You reach her door
You hold the key
It's for her heart
Swing wide the waves of emotions
That unmask your eyes
A vision of beauty
A sight to behold
She turns her head to face you
Wonder dances in her eyes
"You've come for me my hero,
I've been captive here for so long"
You take her hand and make her yours
"You are beautiful, inside and out,
This love was worth the fight."

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

ready.grow


  • Currently
    Polarity
    By The Wedding
    THE LAST STAND
    see related



    Life is really okay right now... and I'm glad.

    Job hunting...

    Thinking of finally volunteering at the hospital...

    Just getting my butt into gear... I can't keep being this way.

    ...I realized I LOVE making CD mixes. I'm kind of obsessed. I'm so detailed... everything has to flow well... and it even has a certain message....

    And this is why I am still up!

    If you ever get a strong urge to say something to someone, do you actually do it?
    -I feel like I need to say something to this girl who I am friends with-- like a very strong encouragement urge.
    -I even made her a CD... because I feel like she needs to hear the message in the music.... I think she'll get it.
  • Encouragement is always warranted, even if for some reason you feel "out of line." You know why I think we feel this way?? It's "someone" trying to hold us back in fear for saying what someone needs to hear. I honestly believe that. We pass many opportunities to be an impact on people-- myself included.
  • I don't want to be the fear-stricken girl anymore. I want to be the bold, daring, courageous woman I am supposed to be! No matter what.
Bring on my life!


You know what is crazy ironic on peacefulness and content? Is that when you fully and courageously give your whole heart to our Lover, break our alabaster box at his feet, is when everything aligns. It may not be exactly what we hoped for, expected, or wanted-- but it is what is best! I am always seeing it this way.
*I see past "loves" I thought were right for me, ABSOLUTELY wrong for me in so many ways.
*I see that time can heal all wounds.
*I see that with every opportunity I am given, I can bring about change.
*I see that I can express my feelings in the smallest things... like music.
*I know in my heart that God has something special for me.
*I realize that my time here is short, and I don't want to leave here with regrets.
-I don't want people to miss me in the sense of missing-- but be joyful that my heart is now completely full and fixed and loved more than I could ever imagine.
-That my Savior is more than enough for me.
-That Heaven is the true destination for us ALL.
--*Truly, this life is meaningless but meaningful in what we make it out to be.

It's funny what hindsight brings us. It's even more real when we see others going through the EXACT pain that we went through. And you know what it made me realize? Maybe I went through it to show another person that they can get through it-- to be an ENCOURAGEMENT to them. People are so much more stronger when they know someone else has walked in their footsteps...

[[Let God love it away.]]