the truth hurts sometimes

"[Finding yourself] is like digging in a mine that has diamonds; you have to first go in deep to discover it; then you must keep at it to scratch the surface to reveal gleams of sparkle. And it's there where you must put on a sense of trust, patience, and hope [in Christ] to keep digging to get it out and see it for all that it beholds. Then you will truly shine."

The truth hurts more each time, but in the end, it makes us grow into something more beautiful.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

But I don't know if I was ready and waiting to fall this hard.

It's just another story, another passing moment.
You see my heart, you see everything I am... yet... is it not enough?

Christ. You're my only constant. You're the only thing that ever makes sense. And I'm still supposed to love?
Despite everything.

God, grant me peace. deliver hope to my wounded heart. show me what it looks like to trust despite my circumstances. lead me in patience.
Show me how to love like you do, through this... & through my feelings.

Make me shine bright, so they can see, something different in me.

Will he ever see me like You do?

I keep asking why...
Open our eyes.

this world is not enough.

God help me. I can't do this alone. You have a reason for everything.

You'll be my strength. Don't let me go.

be near.

I'm sitting here right now, a few minutes to 4am, listening to the Pandora Bethany Dillon station.

A helicopter is flying over head...

And then wonder sets in...

How often I feel like I'm circling around, carrying something within me that is broken, hurt, and dying.... not knowing if I will crash or land into my destination.

And then, I start listening to the words/lyrics of these songs... I wonder if the artists who sing them really believe it... Do they really believe God is enough, that he has come to save, that he is everything we need?

Because I don't always feel that way...

I think that's natural, but I don't want it to be.

With everything that has been stirring in my heart, how can I doubt things?

I've been sick for over 2 weeks. I didn't feel like doing anything, and just felt tired the whole time. Now I feel like I'm getting back to normal, and I am just READY to see my friends and hug them and smile and laugh and talk!! I feel like I'm a seed in the ground, braving this period of winter, ready to burst through the earth and show everyone who I am!

I kept praying to God to rid the pain I was feeling [since I had a sinus infection- never had one before]. I didn't know how much longer I could endure this pain... but I knew it would be for only a little while longer.... that healing would come in time... and everything would be fine.

Sounds a lot like life.

I don't know what's going on, really. Life is just different than I ever imagined. I'm not where I'd expect myself to be at 25. I figured I'd be married by now, maybe have a child, and have some sort of side job/career.

But I'm single as could be, I don't have any sort of career, and I'm still living at home with my parents.

Gee, sounds great huh?

But maybe there is more there than meets the eye.

I never would be in this place if I had all the other distractions around. And of course, maybe I would get there eventually-- but some people never experience this type of relationship.

It takes a lot of work-- it's been a journey that I am not finished with yet.

And it's funny, when you hear others say how much you have inspired them, and I wouldn't have had that same opportunity to make a difference if I were in any other place but here.

I don't know what that means for me in the long run, but it seems to be revealing itself as I go on...

I encountered God's heart after watching a mini-series on Human Trafficking. Something struck my heart and my soul prayed in a way that I've only experienced one other time. I felt a deep pain and anger that needed to be released. I felt like the word "cages" was being spoken to me, and "Free us."

I have never felt that closeness with the Lord in such a way before in my life.

"Be still & know that I am God."

"Be near to me, and I will be near to you."

My soul longs to be near to you.

A part of me doesn't want to let go, but I feel I already have given it up... maybe it's just the hope for something; I just can't hope anymore... it just isn't good for my heart. But yet, I still want to keep waiting... I'm still adamant... I still want you.

I never wanted to see you go, because when you're in my life, all I ever do is glow...

what am I going to do without you now?

be near. you're all I ever want to know.