Sunday, August 26, 2012

Still Peeling...

"someday, some boy will fall in love with all my flaws, and he'll be the lucky one." - Rosie Thomas


I always seem to reflect the best of my heart through song[s]. There's something about listening to the piano keys, soft strings, strumming guitar, and a gentle, poetic voice that sings to my soul.
Maybe the best part of finding more of me, is realizing that there is more to find, every day.


There's always the object of my affection- -some sweet-eyed boy, who sings me a pretty charming story of love and his life; and I fall for it with a sheepish grin and the pitter-patter of my heart. If hindsight is 20/20, then maybe I need to get my vision corrected. But in the back of my mind, it's always clouded with a deep-longing of hope that, maybe, just maybe... he will be the one to change everything for me.
Oh, he changes things all-right. He turns my life upside down with his immaturity and lack of commitment. I begin to question all of my motives, and I constantly need to be affirmed by his lack of affirmation and willingness to get to know me; which in turn, drives him further away as I begin to wonder what went wrong, or if I'm the one doing the wrongs. But I knew that from the start, right? I knew this pattern has a way of repeating, didn't I? I seem to always end up steering the cart directly into a mess - -one that was already there, but my curiosity got the best of me- - again

There is a saying that one must be insane to keep doing the same things, and end up thinking the end result will change. That must be my problem. At this rate, I don't even know anymore. My intentions are always good- I'd like to believe- yet, for some reason, my predicaments keep reoccurring, and I can never quite "get" what I want. But maybe that's the point.

This past month has been a quick, shot in the heart, kind of realization within myself. Like I stated above, I'm finding more of me. It has been buried deep down, covered by dirt and debris and dead branches- - but I know I uncovered something else. I had been hiding away jealousy so deep within my heart, that I didn't even know what it looked like; or, rather, I didn't know what it looked like to NOT have jealousy as a part of my life. It wasn't until I was at the edge of my emotions- full-on panic and loss of control over everything, that I just snapped. My jealously over-powered my emotions and words came out like vomit. "This is what I've been hiding so deep within? This IS NOT ME!" Unfortunately, it took another person being involved, [one that I was very much interested in getting to know better, because he seems really great] for me to see just how deep the roots of jealousy were planted in my heart. I apologized to him, mainly out of fear, but it was sincere in my efforts to correct the wrong. But I feared it may have ruined things anyway, since he hasn't spoken to me much sense then. Do I blame him? Not at all. Do I wish I could erase and rewind the way I acted/handled things? Absolutely! But I can't. What is done is done, and I can't change the past. BUT! I can, and WILL, change the future from letting this ever happen again.
I prayed and wept that week. I just felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about how I allowed jealousy to ruin so many things in my life- - and honestly, this wasn't the first situation that jealousy has caused heartache for me. In fact, I am almost 100% sure that any guy I have ever liked, and any guy that has ever had an interest in me, has been ruined in part from my jealousy. That makes me so sad, it really does. I never even realized it. The patterns? It makes a lot of sense, in my opinion. 
In my weakness, He makes me strong again- - I prayed for the jealousy in my heart to be stripped away- - remove the dead weight I've been carrying around for countless years. I don't want to be a jealous person; I don't want to look at couples and be jealous of what they have; I don't want to be jealous of others material possessions, etc!! After my prayer, I felt a huge, huge relief and burden be lifted from my heart! I wanted to test it to see if it would "stick" [as if it wouldn't?? ha], and maybe the best test has been that I haven't felt tested, because I don't even feel it! The only thing, I will admit, that more saddens me is my body image [but that's another issue all in its own].

Recently, a friend told me that a guy I'm friends with [who seemed interested in me a few months back], just started "seeing" this girl - -who in a turn of events, I just officially met a few days ago. I didn't know it at the time, but when my friend sent me a text, telling me all of this, it was almost a sigh of relief! I had a flickering moment of a jealous thought, but instead, I prayed in that moment. The old Lauren would have been jealous; but not anymore. In fact, I'm thrilled that he picked her, because she seems really wonderful and totally suits him more than I ever would. 
I still think about the other guy, but it's becoming a lesser thought as time passes. I still feel a bit of guilt, though, about what happened. I just don't think he really wants much to do with me now, and I guess that is what still stings. I would do anything to get a second-go at a friendship with him, but that's not my choice at this point. Maybe he really doesn't care and none of this is a big deal to him & I'm just reading into what he could be thinking about me; but I can't do anything about it now & shouldn't worry about it anymore.  

It's funny what God shows you about yourself when you are surrounding yourself with HIM and nothing else. He talks to us in simple pleasures, in every day living, in sunrises and sunsets, in clouds and singing birds. EVERYTHING. I want my thoughts in the morning to be about Him; I want my nights ending saying good night to Him. I want my heart to continue to be peeled away- -reaching the core of being more like Him. I have so far to go- -this journey is never-ending. Just when I *thought* I had myself figured out... something else is peeled away.. and I'm left looking at myself with whole new eyes. Better eyes. A better, stronger heart.


And now I come to the conclusion, but it is not the end.