.sensing.

"I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was..."

Well friends, dear ones who read my blog... here I am again...
Anyway, my fingers are tingly as I press gently on this keyboard. I bought myself a BRAND NEW guitar! And guess what? Ready for this? It's PINK! Oh yeah, oh yeah. Typical.But it's pretty sweet. Good things come to those who wait... 14 years of waiting, haha. Think of that... I could have been real good... real good. But maybe I'll never get the nack of it. I hope I do, because I much love writing songs & poetry & singing... Hmmm... love love.Here's to hoping!
I seriously want to be a rocker chick. How sweet would that be?I don't know what my deal is.Maybe it's that whole "finding my identity" thing.Not that I don't like who I am... but redefining something is more fun...
My nephew is adorable. Well, now I have two... Jordan- the strong-willed eldest of the family, and Jacob- the laid-back 2 month old. ;-) Well, they both are adorable, but I'm talking about my oldest nephew, Jordan. He's quite the wild one... he's definitely all boy... but he has his sweet side that loves to give me hugs and kisses. I just love that about him. And I think... "some day, some girl [Lord willing] will think he is just the greatest guy... so wild at heart, passionate, giving, smart, friendly, thoughtful...." I really hope & pray that he gets to that point in life, because life is hard, and that is a steep understatement. And I know that boys early on need to know that they have what it takes - that they are strong, courageous, brave, and worthy of the title of being a male...Just tonight, I was at his soccer game at school. He really has no idea what is going on, and it's really funny to be quite honest. He just tumbles on the ground, laughing... apparently enjoying himself. Who cares that there is a game going on, he's having more fun just goofing around. And what do I notice in the meantime? He is chasing girls around the field - but then these girls start pushing Jordan around [playfully, mind you], and I just think it's the funniest thing. I'm not sure if I should find this funny, but he seems to be having fun just being the goofy boy. I can tell right now he's going to have the ladies all after him, haha.
But you know what? Just noticing how young my nephew is, and what kind of a heart I can see in him now... I really hope his heart stays strong in the long run. After his game ended, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs, and I bended over for him to give me a kiss. He loves giving me kisses & hugs- - so do my twin nieces. And I say to him, "Good job tonight... hey let's get a picture together!" [classic Lauren, right?] So, he enthusiastically agrees. I get down on my knees, and we snap a few shots together. Cute, of course. ;-) And then I say "well, that's all!" And I almost got up, when he planted a kiss right on the top of my head, then ran over to the playground. I don't know what it was, but in that moment of thought, it dawned on me again, as it always does -as if it should surprise me- to think, "wow, he really loves & admires me." And in that thought, I felt my heart speaking to me... "what do you love about him & what do you see?" And I thought- ~I love everything there is about him. I admire who he is & who I hope he becomes from it.~ And then, something else struck my heart- "To see him grow up into a man of God and who bears his wild heart, his spirit, his passion, his strength; and keep his boyish charms... that's what I want for him. In fact, that's what I want too. A man like that. And a man who will love you and admire you for everything you are- in your weakness and in your strength- in your flaws and in your captivating beauty."Just wait. Hope. Keep loving.
I don't know. My heart is just changing. And God can use those little ones to influence me and help my heart see something that I wasn't looking for. And I can influence them and show them His love...
So what am I doing here sulking wondering when? why? how? who?I am truly thankful and forgetful all at the same time.I have so much.Why isn't it enough?Shape my heart - make me more like You.Help me never take for granted the endless gifts you give...

"It's beautiful... you can turn mistakes into miracles... the way You still love me afterall, It's beautiful."
Sometimes we have to walk through the rain & embrace the winds & walk straight out into the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end of the road....

"I believe you now, I've come too far. No I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known...

This is Home."

.everything.is.illuminated.

What is love?

Where does love exist?




Love is defined by a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Interesting, I thought. Do I love, then?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

But I believe it is even deeper than that definition. I think that there is something inherently sown into us that wants to keep seeking for more. But what do I define by that which I love?Family. Friendships. Watching little children play. Painting. Photographing. Drawing. Admiring Art. Sunrises & sunsets. Cloud formations. Stars. Rainbows. Listening to the wind. Feeling Fall air. Nostalgic smells. Cooking. Sporting events. Driving illegally fast. Picking flowers. Admiring architecture of the old & new. Walking down a path of history. Swimming. Sand beneath & in between my toes. Cozy blankets. Seeking adventure. Writing of all kinds. Reading. Love songs. Musical abilities of others. Music in general. Poetry. Making others laugh, smile, & be happy.
And more...
I love: To love.
I live: To love.

Only three of the things I wrote have to do with people specifically. So what other love would you say I am missing?
Romantic love?
Isn't it the case when someone asks you, "Have you ever been in love?" Your first thought is that of romantic love. Why is that kind of love at the forefront of our minds? I guess that is a mystery to me.

So, by the definition of love being romantic, have I loved? No, not even close.
So does that mean I don't know what love is?
Not at all.

So is that why we fear of never falling in love? But, hey wait a minute... Don't we already know what love truly is?

Guess what I was waiting for.
GOD.
God is Love.

Love by definition isn't about falling for another person; We don't need romantic love to tell us what we are supposedly missing. That's not even a fraction of it...
We are too content playing in the puddles when we have a whole ocean at our reach....

I had been playing wildly in the puddles for far too long.

Then I finally saw the beauty of the ocean in it's perfect splendor.
I ran out joyfully with my arms stretched wide,
To dive in deep,
Water rushing past my body,
Feeling real love for the first time.

I don't want to hold anything back now.
Everything I do, I want to do in a love that has been poured into me from a Father who LOVES infallibly.
...So am I missing anything?
Not by a long-shot.
You know why?
Everything else I love is a light that shines into my heart and comforts my soul.
Love can radiate into another's life just from us living and showing love.

We are given things in life to love, too; I'd like to say that they are gifts...
Love is a gift.
And I can only imagine what a rare gift it will be to be in love with another person in an utmost, mysterious way. And I know this love defined by romance here on earth will be a true blessing.
I know I'll treasure that gift forever. Until the end...

But in the meantime, why do we view love as if there is something missing? It's a gift that comes in all shapes and sizes, during different seasons, and has touched our lives in certain ways we may never understand.
So what is there to fear? What have we defined love to be? Love is found anywhere. Love can be anything.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."* I believe the same thing for love.




Love is seeking, breathing, being, seeing, touching. Love is alive.


Because God loved us first...Love is illuminated in everything.


*Ecclesiastes 3:11

.disapate.dream.

Was it all but a dream?
When we laid together
Hand-in-hand?
Is it over now?
I just can't begin to understand.
It happened so fast
It ended so slow
Was it all but a dream?
Would you tell me no?