.sensing.

"I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was..."

Well friends, dear ones who read my blog... here I am again...
Anyway, my fingers are tingly as I press gently on this keyboard. I bought myself a BRAND NEW guitar! And guess what? Ready for this? It's PINK! Oh yeah, oh yeah. Typical.But it's pretty sweet. Good things come to those who wait... 14 years of waiting, haha. Think of that... I could have been real good... real good. But maybe I'll never get the nack of it. I hope I do, because I much love writing songs & poetry & singing... Hmmm... love love.Here's to hoping!
I seriously want to be a rocker chick. How sweet would that be?I don't know what my deal is.Maybe it's that whole "finding my identity" thing.Not that I don't like who I am... but redefining something is more fun...
My nephew is adorable. Well, now I have two... Jordan- the strong-willed eldest of the family, and Jacob- the laid-back 2 month old. ;-) Well, they both are adorable, but I'm talking about my oldest nephew, Jordan. He's quite the wild one... he's definitely all boy... but he has his sweet side that loves to give me hugs and kisses. I just love that about him. And I think... "some day, some girl [Lord willing] will think he is just the greatest guy... so wild at heart, passionate, giving, smart, friendly, thoughtful...." I really hope & pray that he gets to that point in life, because life is hard, and that is a steep understatement. And I know that boys early on need to know that they have what it takes - that they are strong, courageous, brave, and worthy of the title of being a male...Just tonight, I was at his soccer game at school. He really has no idea what is going on, and it's really funny to be quite honest. He just tumbles on the ground, laughing... apparently enjoying himself. Who cares that there is a game going on, he's having more fun just goofing around. And what do I notice in the meantime? He is chasing girls around the field - but then these girls start pushing Jordan around [playfully, mind you], and I just think it's the funniest thing. I'm not sure if I should find this funny, but he seems to be having fun just being the goofy boy. I can tell right now he's going to have the ladies all after him, haha.
But you know what? Just noticing how young my nephew is, and what kind of a heart I can see in him now... I really hope his heart stays strong in the long run. After his game ended, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs, and I bended over for him to give me a kiss. He loves giving me kisses & hugs- - so do my twin nieces. And I say to him, "Good job tonight... hey let's get a picture together!" [classic Lauren, right?] So, he enthusiastically agrees. I get down on my knees, and we snap a few shots together. Cute, of course. ;-) And then I say "well, that's all!" And I almost got up, when he planted a kiss right on the top of my head, then ran over to the playground. I don't know what it was, but in that moment of thought, it dawned on me again, as it always does -as if it should surprise me- to think, "wow, he really loves & admires me." And in that thought, I felt my heart speaking to me... "what do you love about him & what do you see?" And I thought- ~I love everything there is about him. I admire who he is & who I hope he becomes from it.~ And then, something else struck my heart- "To see him grow up into a man of God and who bears his wild heart, his spirit, his passion, his strength; and keep his boyish charms... that's what I want for him. In fact, that's what I want too. A man like that. And a man who will love you and admire you for everything you are- in your weakness and in your strength- in your flaws and in your captivating beauty."Just wait. Hope. Keep loving.
I don't know. My heart is just changing. And God can use those little ones to influence me and help my heart see something that I wasn't looking for. And I can influence them and show them His love...
So what am I doing here sulking wondering when? why? how? who?I am truly thankful and forgetful all at the same time.I have so much.Why isn't it enough?Shape my heart - make me more like You.Help me never take for granted the endless gifts you give...

"It's beautiful... you can turn mistakes into miracles... the way You still love me afterall, It's beautiful."
Sometimes we have to walk through the rain & embrace the winds & walk straight out into the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end of the road....

"I believe you now, I've come too far. No I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known...

This is Home."