Saturday, May 09, 2009

Pardon me...

My life right now really reflects this passage in the Bible:

Song of Solomon 3 :1-3

1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"


I am at a total loss for words, yet again.

Though, I don't know if it should become as such a surprise now.
It's almost expected.
What's worse?

And I wonder why I even care in some regards. I mean, I am peacefully and wonderfully in a good spot-- then something happens.
I see something...
Unexpected.

It waters that little seed and it grows.
It wants so badly to bloom beautiful flowers and perfume its sweet aroma.
But it receives a severe swift wind -- stunning it's growth and beauty.
It is left to wilt and die without ever showing what could have been.

That has been my heart status for as long as I can remember.

I don't understand why my flower can't grow; why it can't blossom into something worth picking and cherishing.
I just don't understand why I'm left to die, like I never mattered one bit to you; like you never even gave me a second glance.
I put my heart out there.
I think it's ready for the journey.

I guess I don't know anymore.
I guess I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I don't know where I'm going.
I guess no one has seen the one my heart loves.
Where is he God?
I certainly do not know where he is.

witty.remarks

Callin' it quits is no easy task, especially when it involves men who have extremely good facial hair, with dark features. Maybe that's why I like me a vanilla/chocolate twist with sprinkles.

I have a strange fascination with tall, dark, artsy men who can play guitar or sing. If they can play guitar, piano, AND sing, oh my... I might need a towel to wipe away my drool. Wow, that sounds really classy.
But seriously. What gives? If he doesn't have dark eyes or hair, I pull out my ballot from the pool. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm settling. And it's just looks! I was sitting with my seemingly ruggishly handsome good fellow of a friend the other night, as he vented to me his frustrations about life. I really had no good answer to his venting, because it confused the heck out of me. As I was attentively listening, he told me talk was cheap and if he wanted a listener, he'd talk to a wall. Not that I was offended in the least bit, because I talk to walls all the time and they never reply, so I guess he's not used to that yet.
But really he just wanted my feedback and sometimes I have nothing. I won't get into what we discussed, but I began to wonder why I keep such odd, attractive men as potentials. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I can't stop meeting guys who are a hot mess... and by that I mean, they're so good looking but they have quite a mess upstairs. I need a guy who is organized and smells good and who is crazy about me... not crazy in his head.

Maybe I am destined to be single for all time. I'm tempted to put up my bright neon pink sign that says CLOSED. I have been close to bankrupt by spilling myself out to these creepers and stealers of my heart, that I have nothing left but to eat all my emotions. haha, mmm, cheesecake sounds good right about now. That or some bar-b-que chips with a nice, tall, cold budwiserrrrrr....[[Harry Carey anyone? yea yea??? okay not so much & I have no idea what budwiser even tastes like.]]
Thus, to suffice, I am going to add to the thunder thighs and waddle down my friend's weddings in expensive dresses that I'll never wear again because what guy is going to take out a girl on THAT nice of a date? I mean, really? Plus, all I ever meet are guys who can't pay for me, or don't want to. "Well, it's a date and all, but I believe in the world of 2009, it's 50-50." And we all know the guys out there who roll around in their rusty cars with a side mirror missing, asking you out, perhaps paying but taking you to the drive-thru ordering you off the dollar menu. -Thank you, but if you want another date with me, you're going to have to step it up a notch...- not that I mind getting something from the dollar menu, because I am Dutch all the way, but really? Is that all I'm worth to you?
Or you know, there comes the seemingly nice guy, but ends up giving you the creepy-eyed stare because he's so mesmerized by you, or something like that...he pays and you politely smile while you're insides want to splurge out because you're torn with emotional turmoil wondering if you really have no other choices or potentials in the future, and all your dinner dates are going to be consisting of BK's Angry Whopper, because heck, you're a lot angry right now.

So... Add it to the "why I am going to be the bridesmaid & never the bride" list. haha. So I'm fed up. I really am. I think I'm quite the rare fish in the sea. I have a good sense of humor, and truth be told, most of this post isn't really all that serious. Go figure. Though you know, not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders w/looks to die for... haha, well I like to look & dress nice, & don't clutter my life with depressing thoughts [except posts that say I'm never going to get married, haha] and abnormal behavior. I can bust a move in some ways, have a killer sense of style [or I just think I do at times], I try to be as confident inside as I portray it to the outside, arts come second nature to me, I love children, I try my best to help those in need, I really do try to keep a healthy relationship with Jesus- he loves me a whoooole lot to die for me-; I am just me and nobody else. Isn't that something worth enough to pursue?Can my tall, dark and handsome, witty, sharp shooter come gallevanting into town, sweep me off my feet, and carry me away to some tropical, romantic get-a-way?
I'm afraid I'll have to settle on finding a man online whom I've never met & hope he's not creepy. And I really don't want to do that... again... haha.In all seriousness, I'm waiting... it's just hard to not know how long that has to be or if it will happen at all.