Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So Let's Be Honest.

so let's be honest.
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“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10


Am I found beautiful? I asked myself last night.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet.
Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

Well...Because I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires.
That looks good, I think... but is it good for me?
Am I worth it?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Okay. I'm done. Really.
I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I had to say goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

Yes..."He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks.
It questions, worries, wonders, hurts...
and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-


And what does that mean?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

Lily of the Valleys...
They are one of my favorite flowers.
They are a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?


To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.


What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
I wouldn't even recognize who I used to be.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Two-to-three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted my own life.
Because of my decisions, a reputation was made. A loss of time I'll never get back. A period of my life where I was drained completely.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
Addictions. Manipulation. Scorn.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was wrapped up in trying to help someone else rather than helping myself. I couldn't be their god. I couldn't be anything because of where I was at.
I was too content playing in the puddles, that I didn't want to see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
Give up my addictions, my pain, my hurt? It was the only thing I had left to hold onto in my heart.
But oh, what a break-through.
He desires me. All of me. [And He desires you just the same.]
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I was standing on the edge from falling.
The only voice I heard was His. An ever-constant friend. He took every opportunity to show me his love.
It's more than I deserved.
To give over my hurts, pains, addictions- -
That was the beauty of it all.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild the scattered pieces that were broken.
He is our ultimate knight in shining armor, our Prince. He will do anything to protect us, to love us, to cherish us. He loves this sinner so much, that he died so I could LIVE.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

...Now I was asking why.

I'm figuring this out as I go, so let's be honest. Why do we hold onto things that are bad for us? Perhaps it is our desires for certain things, but more importantly, what is holding us back from our full potential?
Is it your addiction to ____?
Is it your need for _____?
Is it your desire for _____?
Let's get serious.
Why are you still living in a world that has nothing to offer you? It can't possibly buy you happinesss. It can't buy you love.
It can't give, it only takes.
What is this world taking from you?
Why are you holding on so tightly to your pain? Why are you covering up your wounds by doing things that are harmful to you? I'm telling you right now, from what I went through, you are just suffocating yourself from what God desires of you. You're being deceived & controlled. It's about time you wake-up. Stop using your pain as an excuse to not reach your potential.
Is it worth it?


You know, maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I DO NOT understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
But in my heart I know it's true.
But the whole, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no. Don't even go there.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why...
I am still where I am.
the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
feelings aren't reciprocated.
the timing isn't right yet.
I see the character, strength, honesty, love & wild spirit of a heart.
my heart has changed in more ways than I could express.
I wonder why... about a lot of things.
So I see this greater journey I'm not on yet.
Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what's left for me?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see, to bring Him glory.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
It isn't so complicated afterall.

So let's be honest. True beauty isn't what is seen, but what is unseen. To radiate the heart & love of God, to find your purpose in him; you will be noticed, admired, loved, cherished.


If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy by the one who created it.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
The best I know is yet to come.
And the last thing I hear right now is,
"Wait on Me."




"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..."
-'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Friday, July 23, 2010

Something Bigger.

"It is enough to deal with one's own sinful heart than to throw in the mix of another. It takes time. He continued to pray for her, that she would hold on until he could come meet her there."

I'm hoping that's where you're at. That you're praying for me, as I am praying for you.
I will admit I have fallen a time or two from this prayer for your heart-- but it's something I feel tugging on my heart as the closer I feel we get.
Maybe it's just a wild dream I wish to play out in reality.
But maybe it's not.

I think of times where I feel so alone, but then I'm constantly reminded of all the love around me-- from family, friends, and from the Lord-- he constantly is after my heart. When I feel I'm drifting away, he runs out to bring me back in. He's never going to let go. He's never going to walk away from me. Only I did that to myself. For so long... I walked away.

But now that I've made mistakes, matured, and see things from a different perspective, I see something flourishing from the fruit I have planted. And with his help, he is pruning away the bad, to reveal the good. The fruit produced in my waiting.
It was hard and painful, like I always say; but it was worth it. This is worth it.

I may tease about being "practically perfect in every way"-- the line I like to use from "Mary Poppins"-- But I am far from it.
Surprise.
Sometimes I convince myself that I don't deserve it.
And "it" being finding love.

I guess the dreamy, chronic-romantic in me hopes so much that he's in reach, that he's so close to me. I feel this more-so now than ever before. Marriage doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did before. I don't think that it has to be scary when someone else is there holding you throughout it all. For better or worse-- that commitment remains. Forever.
I suppose that was the main scary part that I felt I wasn't good enough for that.
But maybe it was because I wasn't ready to hold another's heart as close as I hold mine.

It's interesting the analogy the Lord uses as the vine & branches, and how we bare fruit-- from our lives.
And my friend used to always say to me-- "Lauren, you are an apple atop of the tree. Wait for the man who dares to reach up and get you."
I don't think I thought I was that special for a very long time.
That I was just another apple on the ground-- getting kicked around, walked past, stumbled upon.
Nothing special.

But that apple rotted. It died.
The seeds remained.
They planted something deep within the earth-- cultivating something beautiful to be seen.
But it wasn't my time yet.
I was growing.
Mending and forming for a new birth.
The fragrance of his love.
The little sprout began to grow.
Like the branches, it became sturdy in strength from his love.
Tender care.
Pruning away.
The blossom started to be seen.
The fruit from my heart is showing.

Here I am.
An apple on top of the tree.
Waiting for you to see me.
Waiting for you to dare and reach for me.

We will stand amazed in the discovery of each other.
I have no doubts about that.
I think he's silently praying right now.
Making sure it's right-- that he's right where he needs to be.
He's scared to reach, but the Lord will provide the peace.
He will give him the strength he needs to win over my heart.

I believe this with all my heart.
This is the something bigger
That I've waited for.