Something Bigger.

"It is enough to deal with one's own sinful heart than to throw in the mix of another. It takes time. He continued to pray for her, that she would hold on until he could come meet her there."

I'm hoping that's where you're at. That you're praying for me, as I am praying for you.

I will admit I have fallen a time or two from this prayer for your heart-- but it's something I feel tugging on my heart as the closer I feel we get.

Maybe it's just a wild dream I wish to play out in reality.

But maybe it's not.

I think of times where I feel so alone, but then I'm constantly reminded of all the love around me-- from family, friends, and from the Lord-- he constantly is after my heart. When I feel I'm drifting away, he runs out to bring me back in. He's never going to let go. He's never going to walk away from me. Only I did that to myself. For so long... I walked away.

But now that I've made mistakes, matured, and see things from a different perspective, I see something flourishing from the fruit I have planted. And with his help, he is pruning away the bad, to reveal the good. The fruit produced in my waiting.

It was hard and painful, like I always say; but it was worth it. This is worth it.

I may tease about being "practically perfect in every way"-- the line I like to use from "Mary Poppins"-- But I am far from it.

Surprise.

Sometimes I convince myself that I don't deserve it.

And "it" being finding love.

I guess the dreamy, chronic-romantic in me hopes so much that he's in reach, that he's so close to me. I feel this more-so now than ever before. Marriage doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did before. I don't think that it has to be scary when someone else is there holding you throughout it all. For better or worse-- that commitment remains. Forever.

I suppose that was the main scary part that I felt I wasn't good enough for that.

But maybe it was because I wasn't ready to hold another's heart as close as I hold mine.

It's interesting the analogy the Lord uses as the vine & branches, and how we bare fruit-- from our lives.

And my friend used to always say to me-- "Lauren, you are an apple atop of the tree. Wait for the man who dares to reach up and get you."

I don't think I thought I was that special for a very long time.

That I was just another apple on the ground-- getting kicked around, walked past, stumbled upon.

Nothing special.

But that apple rotted. It died.

The seeds remained.

They planted something deep within the earth-- cultivating something beautiful to be seen.

But it wasn't my time yet.

I was growing.

Mending and forming for a new birth.

The fragrance of his love.

The little sprout began to grow.

Like the branches, it became sturdy in strength from his love.

Tender care.

Pruning away.

The blossom started to be seen.

The fruit from my heart is showing.

Here I am.

An apple on top of the tree.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to dare and reach for me.

We will stand amazed in the discovery of each other.

I have no doubts about that.

I think he's silently praying right now.

Making sure it's right-- that he's right where he needs to be.

He's scared to reach, but the Lord will provide the peace.

He will give him the strength he needs to win over my heart.

I believe this with all my heart.

This is the something bigger

That I've waited for.