It's always a mystery to me- - hindsight- - to look back on where one has been, and where they are now, and what superimposed change in their lives & hearts. I reflect back on the times I have often poked and prodded at the lack of adventure and spontaneity in my life, yet return to my roots of adventure and seeking to live my life the way it should be. Time is but a breath, so we better breathe it in... all of it.
Some of you know a lot about me, some of you just met me, and some of you think you know me- - but you really have no idea. And all of that is fine in and of itself. No one here on earth can fully know everything there is about someone else- - I don't think we even know or quite understand ourselves at times. With all this to say, I wanted to extend a hope of encouragement, perhaps a mere reflection of where I have been and how that has brought me up to this very point in my life.
I have grown dramatically since the beginning of this year. If you would have told me back in January that this is where my life was going to be, that all these changes were going to happen to me, I would have said, "yeah right."
This is taken back from an June 16, 2008 entry I wrote...
I am still learning & trying to process everything, but the fact of the matter is, I am stronger than I was before. I am a new person every time I begin a new journey. I am a new person with every circumstance that is found along the way.
--I have redefined my meaning. I have found purpose in a different way. I see things in a different light. I see that this time of singleness is a blessing, not a curse. I would have not met some awesome women if I had a boyfriend or was married. I would not have spent hours laughing & sharing hopes & dreams with them. On the other hand, I would have not met some really great guys that I could admire & get advice from & learn to develop needed friendships with men. I am going through all of this for a reason! I am still on a path of singleness because I am still learning. If I was married, I would not be able to experience it this way. Something changes when you get married. You lose a part of something special that we should cherish, not let tarnish because we are unsatisfied with our relationship status. Sure, it can get lonely. Of course a part of us hardens when we read, say, a wedding announcement that says "...and guest." Who are we kidding? Of course we wish it were us sending out the invite. But there is a reason why it is not. And there is a reason why I have only met men who are just friends. Even a man I really admire. Maybe God has shown me this man's heart for a reason... perhaps I was able to see for a brief moment, a genuine heart... a man after God's own heart... to know it's real & to know that some day it can be mine.
tired of mediocrity
Some of you are aware that I took a short journey, as I like to call it, to Kansas City, MO. This took place after much pursuing - - and realization in my heart that God wanted me to go. I really had no idea why, but I knew it was right. I never felt so much tug on my heart to do anything like this before. It was totally on faith.
I drove down with my friend Josh, and we finally arrived on August 9, 2008 at approximately 7:30am near the campus grounds of the International House of Prayer. I couldn't believe I had done it. I was about to encounter a great realization from the Lord, and He had been waiting for me.
I spent numerous hours in the Prayer Room - - which for those of you who don't know, it is a 24/7 place of worship and prayer. Throughout this time, I was able to soak in unspeakable words through prayer and meditation. I wrote quite a few poems in this time as well, and really focused on why I was there - - why God called me there. I can't recall what day it was in my week's time I spent there, but soon after, I realized I wasn't there necessarily for myself- - I was there to be used by God - - to extend out His love & goodness to others, to my friends.
What a wild encounter it was. I ended up writing a story/poem for Josh. He can tell you himself how it made him feel, how I touched into something that was so deep inside, and this all came because the Lord was speaking through me to show him something. How incredibly awesome that was for me, and I'm sure for my friends. That is something rare and beautiful.
I could write more and more about my time spent there. But simply put, God changed my heart.
I was sitting in my room, about a week or so after visiting there. I was reading a book that my friend Peter let me borrow. In it was a passage written about how we hold onto our burdens and hurts so closely, we let them define who we are. Grace isn't attractive to us because of that. We long to hold onto something familiar, that we hold onto things that are no good for us. We lock our hearts to the love God has. *ding* It was like a flood of realization came at me full-force, pushing me to the ground. I sat and stared & re-read it again and again. My emotions spilled out, pouring into my hands. "This has been me, for so long. I have locked the door to my heart away from you Lord, for so long... I always believed, but I never truly felt your love. My heart has been covering old wounds in bandages so tightly bound, suffocating the life out of me so I couldn't feel your loving powers heal me." I couldn't believe this is what it was... this is what it has been all along. The door to my heart has had many locks on it - - storing away my hurts so I could hold onto something real, something familiar. But praise God, he never gives up. He kept after me, working on me, calling to desire me, saying I am HIS called, His beloved that he wants. The key to those locks were slowly opening, in their own time. Finally, I was on the last lock. And THIS realization was the last lock, and He helped me open it, and the door to my heart swung wide open, shooting unspeakable amounts of love and light and wonder into my heart. The heart of loving God purely, innocently, and fully in every way possible.
I finally felt IN love with the Maker of my Soul.
I finally KNEW what it meant to be in love. To be in a real relationship with Him.
I am able to love fully because He loved me first.
It's my story up until this very moment of my existence. With all this to write, I want to say don't give up. Keep letting the Lord unlock the doors to your heart- - with all the stored up hurts you keep hidden, with all the pain you have buried deep down. He can & He will see you through. He will never leave you behind to fight it on your own. He's always there with us, you know. We are the ones who walk away from Him.
So where does this leave me now? Well, that is a great question. I think for me, it means to keep my heart close to God's, to keep seeking His will for my life. What does that mean for me? Well, I think for me... God has placed a deep desire to help others - - to be an expression of his love - - to see the depth of other's hearts - - and use it for His continuing glory, not for my own. I am a weak soul, but in his love I am made perfect.
You know what I want to be? I want to continually redefine what society says I'm supposed to be. I'm not here for myself, I'm not here to please others, I am here for another purpose. People can think I am crazy and "so out there," but that's their own fears and manipulating talk that has poisoned their hearts away from the Lord. I want to be that gentle and quiet spirit who loves the Lord. I want to exuberantly love in all aspects in my life. I want to show love in more ways than I can give. God is molding and shaping my heart into something greater than I can even imagine. His love is making me... I am a piece of art made in his image - - always being re-touched and erased- - continually being drawn back in when I've faded out - - always adding something to make me more unique than before. I won't be completed until the last stroke of the brush paints something beautiful. All in His timing. It is always perfect, even when I can't see what will be finished in the end.
So, for you women out there. I challenge you to be a gentle and quiet spirit. Find your worth in the Lord - - the one who knows your deepest desires. He longs for you, His beloved. He loves you just as you are. He desires to know you - - heart and soul. He wants to rescue you, he loves everything there is about you... He did make you, you know. Let him captivate you, let him ravish you; you are his beautiful bride, the pinnacle of creation. Let his love carry you.
And for the men. This is how I have become to see it. I think a guy who is after God's heart will be wild - - He will be so passionate about God that he will be a warrior for him, and will want to see justice and good served out in each thing. He will want to see God's glory shining in everything he comes in contact with. His motives towards others will be pure-- he will genuinely reach out to those who are seeking, and he will constantly be running to his life source-- His Maker. In times of trouble, God will be his support. In times of greatness, he will humble himself before His King and sing praises, for He is good. He will love unselfishly, always persevering to something greater than his own. He will be patient, always seeking God for truth. He will want the best for a woman, his partner in life. He will lead her and be her strength. He will protect her, respect her, and keep her pure. He will become a reflection of the One who made him. He will find hope in this love, and always love until the day he dies.
That is the women and men I see who lives in Christ.
So don't give up. Don't lose hope. He's coming... He's coming soon.
Until then...
