emotions.

"God is considered ultimate healer, his time shall heal all of your broken wounds, and he shall make you bear nothing that you cannot handle. Hold your head high in his strength and you will be healed and wrapped in his love endlessly."

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye...

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Until they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye...

Sometimes, I wonder if this is what love will look like. "It's just a feeling and no one knows yet... but just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget."

I so want to forget everything I feel.

I feel like that's so much easier than dealing with this unrequited love.

I could question so many things; mostly about myself.

Every where I go, I'm reminded of what I don't have...

But also reminded of what I do have.

"You're beautiful... every time I see you... you just glow."

It brings tears to my eyes thinking of this right now. I know it's because of Christ's love that he radiates in me... and people will just come out and say they think I'm beautiful... well, I don't always feel that way...

Actually... it's often that I don't... and I seem so surprised that people say this to me.

It's not me they see, it's Christ in me.

How am I even qualified to be this?

I'm such a broken piece of pottery. I don't understand how I'm found beautiful; but I am.

Over and over again.

Little reminders, every where.

My heart's desire is to be loved, and to be loved in return.

It reminds me so much of the story, "Beauty & the Beast."

So often, I just feel like the Beast... how could anyone learn to love me?

But in the end, my rose doesn't die, it lives.

And the Beauty sees me as for who I am;

someone worth loving.

someone worth waiting for.

someone worth.... it. everything.

I'll come back, back to these feelings... the longing for love.

It's just a feeling that they don't know yet.

Lord knows, when they will know...

because I surely don't.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

God help me.

My emotions get the best of me.

I guess you've saved the best for last...

I just wish it wasn't so far away.

How do you just be OK with it?

How do you just stare it in the eyes, and watch it walk away?

"you were my sweetest downfall, I loved you first, I loved you first."

I guess I'm beginning to understand how much it hurts when something you love, doesn't love you back... even when you love it with everything you have.

deserts into gardens.

I won't give up on the chance for you to blow my mind.

In time will I be what you're thinking of?

So rescue me from hanging on this line.

I've been thinking a lot... and you know what thinking does to your mind?

It mushes it into something sloppy and unformed.

Desire gets the best of you.

How come I can't have what I think I need?

As time normally does, it makes sense. The eleventh hour soon comes and passes, and you come to see that everything you had hoped for, everything you had dreamed for, really mean nothing at all.

It's a brand new day.

Rescue me from hanging on....

It's funny how you think that you have everything together, just to realize you have so much farther to go. But that's okay. It really is okay...

I was reminded of James 1:2-4... To be mature and to not lack any understanding- to persevere- because that's what trials should do. It should make us into something better.

I want to lack nothing.

And be everything I need to be.

I'm so close, but so far away.

But then again, I'm joyful in this. In what God has made me to be. My perseverance has led me to be something I never imaged.

He found the garden that I deserted.

He took my dry land and poured water upon it. over and over again.

Little by little, the green grass grew...

A beautiful picture of redemption.

My garden started to blossom and bloom.

The fragrance of his love was in the midst of it all.

His kind eyes and gentle heart was written all over it.

How overjoyed he must be to see my desert form into a beautiful garden.

I must keep and tend to it, to persevere when the droughts and storms try to destroy what he made. To find shelter in his love. To run to him when I can do no more.

To understand.

To lack nothing.

Because a lot of times, I think too much. I sit in the corner of my garden and idly watch the weeds grow and overshadow the beautifulness that he formed within me.

I forget and grow weary. I cry out in my hurt, because I don't understand.

My own roses grow thorns that prick me... when all I need to do is let HIM cut them away.

He knows.

I don't need to constantly sit in that corner and watch everything turn back into dust.

Again.

He knows...

He'll guide the way for someone to see my beautiful garden in all its splendor.

And when he does, it will be made beautiful in its time.

Maybe he's got a garden of his own to tend right now.

Or maybe I'm patiently waiting for something that is not good for me.

But He knows.

Everything.

The seed of worry can grow and bury its roots deep; but God's love will pull out any seeds of remembrance that worry even existed.

I'm hoping and waiting.

It's a beautiful thing as I watch my garden grow and blossom into something I never quite pictured...

Some day, you'll discover my secret garden... the way I found it too.

Some times, all you have to do is keep on growing... because chances are, it's been there all this time... you just had to grow a little taller in order to see it.

I'm not sure what you're molding me into, but that's okay; You are the potter and I am the clay. Change this something normal into something beautiful.

my journey through Oz.

It's a funny idea to think that my story relates so much to the movie "The Wizard of Oz." Come to think of it, I think a lot of us can relate.

First, we've been taken captive in our own home--the so-called place of "safety." Also relating to our heart being our home. We huddle under our beds because the twister has taken us afloat in the air; not knowing where we are going to land. We come across this city paved in gold; and along the journey, we meet a cowardly lion, an empty tin man, and a brainless scarecrow.
Some how or another, I can see my reflection in each one of these characters.
I'm Dorothy-- wearing these beautiful ruby slippers; I am this lost princess; not knowing how to get back to my King, my Kingdom. And there is an evil lurking around me, trying to take me captive; trying to make me believe the lies that are spoken-- the ones that attack my heart and soul. And then I'm left wondering if there are bits of truth in them.
I'm left stranded. Alone. Lost.
In a foreign land.
How has this become my home?

So often, we just want to hide away, under our beds, because we feel more safe. But how does feeling safe equate to anything? It doesn't.
We have too much to give to the world to be anything BUT safe!
We may not believe it to be true, but nevertheless, other people believe in us.
And most importantly, God believes in us.

~Like the tin man with no heart, "If you lose yourself, you have lost all. If the process of relational discovery and investment costs you your soul [your HEART]. it is too much. You must believe with a stubborn confidence that the you God has made, and is making, is beautiful. You must believe this despite what the failures might tell you. You must believe this despite words to the contrary." You must come to love your heart with everything you have. It is what connects you to God.
>>Wizard of Oz: A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.
~Like the cowardly lion, if you lose yourself to YOURSELF, you have lost all. But God produces the courage to press on, to move on, to begin again. He has redeemed your heart. Because you are a CHILD of GOD, "He comes that you might know who you are and know it in the fullest. This means that in the relational economy Satan cannot steal enough to leave you broke. He cannot rob you blind unless you fail to see beyond his lies."
>>Wizard of Oz: You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom.
~And like the brainless scarecrow, we often DO NOT think! We're caught up in these web of lies that come to destroy and kill us. We end up not even using our logical sense, our brains. We end up looking the scarecrow, filled with straw. The enemy tells us that we are NOT special. Who do we think we are to think such nonsense? "You think you're beautiful!? HA! Yeah right. Just look at you. Who would ever want to love you?" And our brain stops working. We start talking ourselves into this nonsense. We need to start USING the knowledge we know and tell him to back off, that we are special, we are LOVED! We were created in his image-- a child of his own. Just as if you have your own child, who is created in YOUR image, wouldn't you love them with EVERYTHING you have? Of course!

Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.

"You are beloved of God, a child of God, cherished, beautiful, and a saint. Think this beautiful thought, "you are of Christ, and Christ is of God" (1 Cor. 3:23). These things are hard to hear sometimes when your heart aches for something tangible, something tactile to hold, but this is a beautiful truth. We are in Christ, and Christ is in God. We are very special, and God forgets none of us."

I'm in pure joyful state as I write this to you all. It's incredible how much My Father loves... even me. How do I so easily not believe this, and better yet, forget this?
-Like the tin man, I end up trying to get by in life without my heart; because if I let myself be vulnerable and open, I will get hurt. Disappointed. Rejected.
But how dare I live with no heart. That is not living. That is death.

-Like the cowardly lion, I end up being scared of what I could become. I end up hiding under my covers because it's safer there. I don't think someone like myself can make much of a difference in the world. Who am I anyway? But that's just it! By being afraid, by having no courage, I am belittling EVERYTHING God created me to be. I am not using the gifts he has given me. I am not doing everything in my power to create change. We need to be courageous. Step out. [I'm seeing this so clearly in my own life!] When we risk, that's when we'll grow more secure in God's LOVE for us. You don't act unwisely, but with clear guidance, we can move forward from our fearful passivity to faith-filled action. God has our back. And you may not change the entire world, but you'll change the entire world of someone else.

-Like the brainless scarecrow, I keep believing in these lies that are out to destroy me. How easily I believe them without using my brain! That's what it's there for, anyway. We're so intricately designed! We have a brain for a reason. Where has my knowledge been? Perhaps it's been hiding behind the cowardly lion & the heart-less tin man. How have I just let the birds peck away at my entire being without batting an eye? Enough! Use your brain.

Hunk: Now look here, Dorothy, you ain't using your head about Miss Gulch. You'd think you didn't have any brains at all.
Dorothy: I have so got brains.
Hunk: Well, why don't you use them? When you come home, don't go by Miss Gulch's place. Then Toto won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
Dorothy: Oh Hunk, you just won't listen, that's all.
Hunk: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.

And like Dorothy... We can't forget our role here. She got swept up in a twister and is now trying to find her way back home. This land she has been acquainted with is not her home.
Just like us.
We have this identity all our own. We were created in our Father's image; we are called to reflect His glory. So often, we get lost, we can't find our way back home, and we listen to the whispers in the shadows. But don't let it steal your identity! Don't give yourself away. Time and time again, I have to say this to myself. And you know what? We are the princes and princesses of the great King.
Believe it.

Live it.

Tin Woodsman: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

"We were made for love. We love because HE first loved us.
It is not only what we do it is WHO WE ARE. Loving becomes us.

Beneath all the lies, you are who you are because HE is who He is.
That, no one can steal from you."

Let's find our way back home together.
Let's work on cultivating out hearts together.
Let's encourage one another to be courageous & not be afraid.
Let's discern the wisdom we have been provided & use it for good.
Let's live a life worthy of the calling we have received.

But don't lose yourself in what you're trying to find. You're already something; Just let yourself shine. [the.photographers]

*[Quotations are taken from the article "The Relational Economy: Identity Theft" http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11639546/]

the way you love

what a beautiful discovery.

the way you love me enough to protect me from something I can't see.

the way you answer my prayer in a way that I didn't expect.

the way you guide me.

the way you set a seal upon my heart,

to hold on to something greater.

my worries overcast the joy of you and what I could see

you want to show me your best

and here I am to second guess.

the way you love

is more than I can comprehend

you are so good to me.

All I can do is smile.

To be joyful,

even in this longing.

I don't need to worry,

why do I focus so much attention on that little dot

when there is glory all around me to see?

why worry?

because you KNOW.

YOU KNOW!

Everything.

You will not harm me

You are watching over me

You are the king who is protecting my heart

You are fighting away the bad [he isn't good enough for you]

To reveal and guide the good.

The best.

Because that's what I'm waiting for.

Hope.

Because he's coming.

He is nearer than I expect

I'm praying for something real

For you to guide him here in the right time.

I'm getting ready, & maybe I'm a little late.

But there's some extra time to prepare.

I questioned if I was ready

But I've been waiting here a long time.

I'm worth reaching for

And I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth

going ahead & picking me.

the best is found in you

meeting at the center of your love

because I was made to be fought for, forever.

what a beautiful discovery you will be.

what a beautiful discovery you are.

Are You Sure?

"Are You Sure?" by Bethany Dillon

I've written you a lot of songs
The kind you write on rainy days
Unrequited love
But now I'm humming a different tune
Just twelve hours ago
I was sitting on a bench with you

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I tried to say, I want this to work
And yet take off the weight
If you change your mind, I won't hurt forever
Because I don't know what else to do
But I'd do anything to have three more hours on a bench with you

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

Everything within me doesn't want to risk
Doesn't want to risk anymore
But if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I'll risk so much more

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I won't be full of second guesses
So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet it is...

These lyrics just hit me. I couldn't have written it better.

I think the trouble with intertwining your trust with someone else is that, we don't want to run the risk of being hurt again.

Been there, done that.

And I question.

I wonder if I'm good enough.

Are you sure you want me?

I was scared that I would just be rejected. again.

Is that what happened?

By trying to protect my heart, I reverted into someone I wasn't.

There is so much else I want to say...

What if I don't say enough?

But what if it would change your mind?

I guess I'd like some peace of mind.

How do you know what's right?

I don't know anymore.

Do I ever cross your mind?

Do you even care?

God, help me.

Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it; I should just let you be. But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough to give my mind some peace...

You Are For Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo

I was watching this video of Kari Jobe's song, "You Are For Me," and I felt like this is my song.

"I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that you have come down, even if to ride upon my heart. To remind me who you are."

So often I forget this. Life gets in the way.

I'm so broken. Discontent.

I worry. I wonder.

I let things get the best of me.


I get swept up in things. Over-thinking. Worrying. Wondering. Hoping. Expecting.

I'll be the first to admit that I still get insecure about myself. It's been a long journey that has been so painful, but in the midst of it all, the Lord has shown himself in me-- that he loves me just as I am. I don't know if the insecure root will ever really go away; but I try my best to not let it grow into something it used to be. Because God knows I'm worth it. He's so patient and loving. It took me long enough to realize his love for me, to be OKAY with who I am. That no matter what, he's always going to love me; he's always going to pursue me.
And I'm so in love with the way he loves me.

Sometimes I don't think about how I may come across. I guess I'm so full of happiness that is inside of me now, that it spills over into encouragement to others; encouraging them on to be something better, that sometimes I forget that it takes people time to trust and fully accept that THAT is you, nothing else but you. They may get the wrong impression. They may get scared.
I'm not a cautious lover.
And maybe I should be.

I try to protect my heart from things. But so easily I jump into them every time.
I think the only thing I can really jump into with no thoughts of worry, is the love of Christ.
Because I know he wants me to dive in so deep, because he pursues my heart every day.
And I think I just jump in without thinking. Without considering that someone else is in this.
Maybe they are just as scared to let someone in, as I was before.
I guess all to say, I'm not scared anymore.

I want to be hidden, but the light peeks through the crack of the door.
I want someone to wonder what is shining so bright behind it.
I want someone to not be afraid to swing open the doors,
To stand in awe,
And see something beautiful.


I'm so ready and waiting to fall.

But maybe I need to be patient for something greater than this.
I want something that is worth waiting for.

Lord, give me your eyes to see
Your plans. Your word.
To remind me who you are.
That you know everything.

That you are for me.

So Let's Be Honest.

so let's be honest.

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What a difference a year can make... even from this. God is good! [[Psalm 16:8~I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.]]

Taken from my Facebook note.

Monday, July 20, 2009 at 6:43am | Edit Note | Delete

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10


Am I found beautiful? I asked myself last night.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet.
Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

Well...Because I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires.
That looks good, I think... but is it good for me?
Am I worth it?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Okay. I'm done. Really.
I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I had to say goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

Yes..."He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks.
It questions, worries, wonders, hurts...
and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-

And what does that mean?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

Lily of the Valleys...
They are one of my favorite flowers.
They are a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?


To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.


What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
I wouldn't even recognize who I used to be.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Two-to-three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted my own life.
Because of my decisions, a reputation was made. A loss of time I'll never get back. A period of my life where I was drained completely.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
Addictions. Manipulation. Scorn.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was wrapped up in trying to help someone else rather than helping myself. I couldn't be their god. I couldn't be anything because of where I was at.
I was too content playing in the puddles, that I didn't want to see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
Give up my addictions, my pain, my hurt? It was the only thing I had left to hold onto in my heart.
But oh, what a break-through.
He desires me. All of me. [And He desires you just the same.]
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I was standing on the edge from falling.
The only voice I heard was His. An ever-constant friend. He took every opportunity to show me his love.
It's more than I deserved.
To give over my hurts, pains, addictions- -
That was the beauty of it all.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild the scattered pieces that were broken.
He is our ultimate knight in shining armor, our Prince. He will do anything to protect us, to love us, to cherish us. He loves this sinner so much, that he died so I could LIVE.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

...Now I was asking why.

I'm figuring this out as I go, so let's be honest. Why do we hold onto things that are bad for us? Perhaps it is our desires for certain things, but more importantly, what is holding us back from our full potential?
Is it your addiction to ____?
Is it your need for _____?
Is it your desire for _____?
Let's get serious.
Why are you still living in a world that has nothing to offer you? It can't possibly buy you happinesss. It can't buy you love.
It can't give, it only takes.
What is this world taking from you?
Why are you holding on so tightly to your pain? Why are you covering up your wounds by doing things that are harmful to you? I'm telling you right now, from what I went through, you are just suffocating yourself from what God desires of you. You're being deceived & controlled. It's about time you wake-up. Stop using your pain as an excuse to not reach your potential.
Is it worth it?


You know, maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I DO NOT understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
But in my heart I know it's true.
But the whole, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no. Don't even go there.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why...
I am still where I am.
the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
feelings aren't reciprocated.
the timing isn't right yet.
I see the character, strength, honesty, love & wild spirit of a heart.
my heart has changed in more ways than I could express.
I wonder why... about a lot of things.
So I see this greater journey I'm not on yet.
Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what's left for me?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see, to bring Him glory.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
It isn't so complicated afterall.

So let's be honest. True beauty isn't what is seen, but what is unseen. To radiate the heart & love of God, to find your purpose in him; you will be noticed, admired, loved, cherished.


If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy by the one who created it.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
The best I know is yet to come.
And the last thing I hear right now is,
"Wait on Me."




"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..."
-'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Something Bigger.

"It is enough to deal with one's own sinful heart than to throw in the mix of another. It takes time. He continued to pray for her, that she would hold on until he could come meet her there."

I'm hoping that's where you're at. That you're praying for me, as I am praying for you.

I will admit I have fallen a time or two from this prayer for your heart-- but it's something I feel tugging on my heart as the closer I feel we get.

Maybe it's just a wild dream I wish to play out in reality.

But maybe it's not.

I think of times where I feel so alone, but then I'm constantly reminded of all the love around me-- from family, friends, and from the Lord-- he constantly is after my heart. When I feel I'm drifting away, he runs out to bring me back in. He's never going to let go. He's never going to walk away from me. Only I did that to myself. For so long... I walked away.

But now that I've made mistakes, matured, and see things from a different perspective, I see something flourishing from the fruit I have planted. And with his help, he is pruning away the bad, to reveal the good. The fruit produced in my waiting.

It was hard and painful, like I always say; but it was worth it. This is worth it.

I may tease about being "practically perfect in every way"-- the line I like to use from "Mary Poppins"-- But I am far from it.

Surprise.

Sometimes I convince myself that I don't deserve it.

And "it" being finding love.

I guess the dreamy, chronic-romantic in me hopes so much that he's in reach, that he's so close to me. I feel this more-so now than ever before. Marriage doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did before. I don't think that it has to be scary when someone else is there holding you throughout it all. For better or worse-- that commitment remains. Forever.

I suppose that was the main scary part that I felt I wasn't good enough for that.

But maybe it was because I wasn't ready to hold another's heart as close as I hold mine.

It's interesting the analogy the Lord uses as the vine & branches, and how we bare fruit-- from our lives.

And my friend used to always say to me-- "Lauren, you are an apple atop of the tree. Wait for the man who dares to reach up and get you."

I don't think I thought I was that special for a very long time.

That I was just another apple on the ground-- getting kicked around, walked past, stumbled upon.

Nothing special.

But that apple rotted. It died.

The seeds remained.

They planted something deep within the earth-- cultivating something beautiful to be seen.

But it wasn't my time yet.

I was growing.

Mending and forming for a new birth.

The fragrance of his love.

The little sprout began to grow.

Like the branches, it became sturdy in strength from his love.

Tender care.

Pruning away.

The blossom started to be seen.

The fruit from my heart is showing.

Here I am.

An apple on top of the tree.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to dare and reach for me.

We will stand amazed in the discovery of each other.

I have no doubts about that.

I think he's silently praying right now.

Making sure it's right-- that he's right where he needs to be.

He's scared to reach, but the Lord will provide the peace.

He will give him the strength he needs to win over my heart.

I believe this with all my heart.

This is the something bigger

That I've waited for.

gone fishin'

There's one thing I love about fishing...

...Sitting in the middle of a lake [or whatever body of water it may be] and watching the sun peek through the clouds, and quietly settling on the horizon and vanishing into

the abyss.

There is just something so calming and refreshing about this aspect of fishing. Now as being the observer I am, maybe I wouldn't have noticed it so much if I was fishing. Yes... I was just watching my nieces and nephew fish with my Dad. And it made me wish I was young again. Not having to deal with all the worries and wonders of life just yet; and just fish and watch the sun. It's almost as if time stands still for a moment-- and you're able to see the beauty in that.

I love listening to the water move while the boat skims atop the water. There is just something peaceful about it as well. The kids were all excited when they caught little Blue Gills; in fact, my niece Bryanna caught a 12" Bass! She was really excited, but she was scared of it... it was wiggling all around-- but I got a picture with it-- a silly one at that.

It was an enjoyable Father's Day-- and I wish my Dad & I went fishing when I was younger. I only remember a few times we ever went... but we can only move forward in life. We can't dwell on the past-- but make up for what we have in the here & now...

Which I've decided that, whatever happens... the Lord knows the way we will tread in the waters that we're swimming in. Sometimes there are storms that want to drown us, but He'll always keep us afloat, even when it seems impossible. And then we have time to just lay on our backs and float down stream... in the calm waters that give us peace.

I have peace about life right now, even when things seem unclear. There's a passion in my heart for greater things-- things I can't even begin to describe. But I'm always hopeful that this time around, it will be right. Sometimes I'm wrong, but that's okay. It changes me and helps me to grow into who I need to be. I think we're always in that path of changing no matter who we encounter.

I guess I'm just waiting... floating on down the river of peace... waiting to bump into another who has been waiting too. It's a funny thing; love. When you aren't paying attention, you run right into it. I feel like I wasn't paying much attention, or had my attention on someone else, rather; and something about the way he looked at me & shook my hand, made me think back to that moment I had shrugged off... Perhaps it's my hopeful state again, wishing for that to be something more... but there was just something about him-- his mischievous grin and playful eyes that brought me back to the first

moment we met....

Maybe it's just a dream in the making from my mind... but maybe it's something I've been waiting for...

just relax.

"those that wait on the Lord rise up on wings like eagles;

so we can start to see things from His point of view;

that way we will walk and not faint...run and not grow weary..."

help me Lord, to let this go...

to let this not be another distraction...

I have grown so much this year. People have come into my life that I would have never saw coming.

Picture it. Discover it.

Planting the seed to see it grow.

The fragrance, the beauty.

It is awakening, blooming.

My gardener carefully pruned away the bad, to reveal the good.

The beauty beneath the sorrow, the pain, the grief.

The beauty within that is bursting to be revealed.

The Lord gave me a provision:

There were two different occasions that come to mind. Both happened in prayer, in silence.

The first one was a detailed pathway to get to the top of this mountain. I was pushing past the brush and trees. It was dark, but the sun peeked through the branches. It was a light guiding me to my destination. I finally reached a clearing, and sat awhile to ponder my journey. This lasted for some time. I needed to rest. I had been through a lot.

The next picture was myself standing at the parting of two trees. I walked closer and closer, and all I saw was blue skies, the sun shining so brightly. I looked around in awe of my surroundings; the view. It was breath-taking. "So this is what I waited for? This is where my journey brought me to? This is utterly amazing." And there in front of me, was the Lord. He faced me like a lover would. He embraced me. He began to tell me how he sees the bigger picture; he guided me exactly where I needed to go, even with all the detours and tiresome pathways. It was all for a reason. He told me how much he loved me, and wanted me to see what he sees-- his point of view on where I had been, and what he had in store for me. The horizon was so vast and wide, it was remarkable to think that, I was just in a forest, not being able to see anything but my surroundings. But now I saw what the Lord saw. "This is how much I love you. Never forget that."

I had to soak in the beauty of the journey... of the wait.

I had to learn how to love myself; I had to fall in love with my Maker before anything else. To face him as a lover...

The second came to me like a rushing flood. I was sitting in my room, just being quiet. A picture was painted in my mind. I was on the beach [which I love], just soaking up the beautiful colors dancing in the sky made by the sun going down so perfectly on the water. It happens every day, but it is beautiful each time in its own way. Then a man came and sat down beside me. It was Jesus. He put his arm around me, just hugging me and talking with me. We talked about a lot of things. But the only thing I remember is, how much he wanted me to know that he loved me, so much. And that he told me, "you see as far as you need to. There is a vast ocean in front of you, and you can't see the end of it-- but it's there just the same, just like it always has been. So has my love. And I want you to know that's how much I love you... as far & as wide as the ocean's view... Just as the sun rises and the sun sets, I will always love you. And I want you to know that there is a whole world in front of you, and you're ready to see it. Come with me. Let's go."

And with that, I told him I knew he loved me; very much so. His beauty is enough evidence of that with the way it strikes my heart and soul each time. And we walked along side each other as friends... neither one ahead or behind, but side-by-side, his hand in mine.

It's funny how things like that happen, and we second-guess the beauty and simplicity of the message. But indeed did I hear the Lord in both situations. It was confirmed to me later that week during a conference. The speaker told us how, in order to see God as our lover, we have to be face-to-face with him & really learn to love him first. And in order to be his friend, we have to journey together side-by-side, so we can be ready to see what he has in store for us; the bigger picture.

Next time, I don't think I need to wonder....

You know what's hard though? Waiting. Even though I get the message each time, waiting plain stinks. Time and time again, I feel the words "patience, wait, trust" being spoken to me through others or through him. And I'm at that point where I'm thinking, "Really? MORE waiting. For what? I'm ready. Pick me. Can we go yet?" And the Lord replying, "Not yet." And you know what? I'm strangely okay with it more-so now that ever before. I never thought I'd reach this point of being OKAY with where I am at in life. Then a part of me really wants life to move ahead; I want to go to the place that he's preparing for me. But for some reason unknown to me, I still need to wait. And you think, "what am I even waiting for? Is there something that good out there that's taking its time so that it will be great?" Yup, it's true; I just can't see it yet.

But all I know is, that he's made something beautiful in its time; I can be a light in all the dark places, waiting to be found. And I know that when I reach that point where he says, "you don't need to wait any longer; it's here waiting for you," then I know I'm going to be blown away and extremely blessed by it. I will be amazed. I have hope in that. I put my trust in that. I'm praying for that every day.

Come soon. I'm waiting for you.

We are diamonds waiting to be found, catching light in the corners of our eyes...

We are made of love, and all the beauty stemming from it.

polished

it isn't always about the physical; it's about the emotional depths you reach that cannot be expressed as with describing one's beauty. The real connection lies underneath two hearts that are connected by the soul; and to find something like that is rare.

fav. lyrics:

owl city-butterfly wings

Asleep in a warm cocoon
We dream of lovely things
Were both gonna wake up soon
So we hope that tomorrow brings us our butterfly wings

Swimming with Dolphins- everything's a miracle

I've got the brightest star you'll ever find,
Even the sun is jealous of the way you shine.
We are the constellations in the sky,
Wrap me up in your arms,
It's beautiful when time is ours, and everything's a miracle.

jaded.

..."Have your actions shown love? well I don't really think so. I'm left blinded and battered on the floor. I thought you were good, I thought I could trust you. I'm deeply jaded, and I'm walking out that door..."

I'm left jaded. In all... I never thought I'd feel the sting of caring and trusting people too much. I've been blinded by the actions, because my heart always wants to see the good in everything.

To maybe a fraction of an understanding, I think I get what God means by acting as a jealous lover; our rejection of him when he pursues us, and constantly running away when all he wants to do is love us perfectly.

I'm hurt. And I can't believe I'm so trusting.

I may trust too easily
I may care too deeply
But never have I regretted loving the way I'm supposed to.

But I'm sorry you blinded me
Through everything I held so near.
I'm sorry I always saw the good in your heart.

You left me jaded once more.