unrequited.birthday

I really don't know who reads this, to be honest-- if anyone.

And that's okay.

I'm not sure why I keep feeling the way that I do.

Yesterday was my birthday. It started off with my dear friend Katie talking to me for over 3.5 hours on skype. It was so nice. She kept the affirmation coming. It was wonderful.

Then I got to skype with my friend Johnny & his sister Cherry in Thailand! So awesome. It was just really sweet that I got to talk to them.

Then some other people said stuff-- how they wish they could be here with me, all this stuff. It sucks since my friends live out of state, or else they have jobs that they have to work in the evening, too.

So I don't know, I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself; knowing that not a lot of people were going to wish me happy birthday... everyone resorts to Facebook. Or texting. And even though *I* do that too, I hate it. But even some of my friends didn't even say anything... I don't know, birthdays have always been really important to me, and when people don't say anything, it hurts my feelings. Maybe it's stupid. It's just a birthday, right?

And the one person I wish would have called me, didn't.

Well, it turned out being an alright evening. I went to dinner with my sister-in-law; and she was like, "you should have told me you wanted to do something today! I would have!" But instead, I felt sorry for myself, almost cried, and slept in a long time. I feel kind of stupid now thinking about it. I could have gone out and did something fun, or bugged more people to do something during the day. But there again, people have jobs. Well, I went out w/a friend later to hear our friend's acoustic show. Which was nice. She didn't even realize it was my birthday I guess, and wish she knew so she could have said something-- which her band mates knew, because one guy mouthed "happy birthday" to me. haha, so silly. But I hung out with them the rest of the night. The one guy used to like me, and we almost dated. I don't think he'll ever read this, but sometimes I think it would be fun to date him. Maybe just to have companionship. Though, I doubt that will actually happen between us. Our friends always tell me how cute together we'd be, but I know he doesn't have the same feelings he once had-- at least that's what he told me.

So I don't know. It was just a weird birthday. But I get to hang out with my family all weekend long and go visit my grandparents in WI, so it will be nice to just get away from everyone.

I still have feelings for someone. And I just don't know if I'll ever stop loving him.

I guess I have to welcome 26 with open arms...

I am thankful, I really am, for everything.

Life just doesn't make sense right now.

Maybe it never will.

This is just not what I pictured for myself at 26.

face up.

Lose the expectations.

Just live.

I'm finding myself further away than what I had expected, but closer than I ever imagined.

You're near, no matter where I go.

The funny part in life is this-- things change, feelings change, seasons change.

We can't stop it from happening.

We just have to keep our faces up, and remember.

There's always something better...

I'm not sure where I am going, I'm not sure what is ahead of me.

But everyone goes through this...

It's interesting how much has changed this year; somethings I never thought would happen, did; and some things I thought were coming, didn't.

And now I'm back to that old feeling.

It never really did go away, entirely...

It's in his eyes, that soul grabbing attention-- it feels like he is looking at me, and only me.

I have always wanted that enticement, that excitement.

But will he feel confident enough to go forward?

Will he think I'm worth fighting for?

Save me from myself.