.abandoned.heart.

...And I've come this far
...Just for it to fall apart
...an abandoned heart
...where's the beauty, where is the hope beneath the pain?


timing is everything
they told me
but love,
my heart is ticking
like a clock
racing against time
wanting but not having
seeking but not finding
hoping but not receiving
I've been waiting for so long.

I can't quite explain
all that I want
all that I need
I don't know why
I feel this way
I thought it was right
it just doesn't make sense
why must I fall
with my abandoned heart
lying on the floor?

I'm at your door,
knocking
please let me know
why I must hurt
why I am here again
my jealous eyes see their delights
it's too hard for me to look
I'm back at the place I started
no farther than where I began.

timing is everything
they told me
but love,
where do I begin to start
how this makes me feel
my heart has slowly stopped beating
the clock is no longer ticking
It's all over now
I've given up.

love,
do you hear me?
I've abandoned my heart
just for you, tonight
please hold on to it
I can't take much more
No more searching
No more waiting
Here's my abandoned heart
Just for You.


A reflection of what I am feeling.
A broken mess.
I just don't understand why this always happens.
Why?
Lord, do you hear me?
Why must I abandon my heart when it's feeling so much...
Why must it get ripped out of my chest...
Why?

When will he notice me, for me? When will he... come?

I can't take much more of this.

.dust.around.us.

...Just take a step back, let the dust settle, count to ten, and breathe.



I really don't know what to stand on right now. Is the ground firm beneath me? It feels like I am sinking through this. I hope, I pray, I long for this desire to come a reality.
But what if it is not right?
Again, Lord?
My heart cannot take it.

You have a plan, I realize this. My heart is heavy, still my hope remains.
But I don't know what to think anymore. . .


You mean more to me,
I'm not gonna lose you this way,
But the truth is, I don't know,
What you do to me,
I can barely breathe,
When you're sitting next to me.
So the truth is, I don't know,
Why you make me feel this way,
I can barely breathe,
I can barely see,
With the dust all around me,
All that remains is...

.skinned.knees.

Life is really something.

It has taken me awhile to fully understand some issues about myself, others, friendships, and relationships. Things never go the way you plan or the way you hope. So often, I tend to put my trust in others instead of putting my trust in God.
John 14:1 -"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust in me [Jesus]."

I don't really know why I lack trust other than I want to control what I don't know. How is that even possible?

It took the Truth to set me free. I was feeling the weight of these chains, and His Word spoke to me, in ways I never felt before.
Psalm 73: 26 -"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

It's taken years to get to this point in my life. I'm still growing to see something more than what I'm living for. Everything taken in strides and steps-- maybe not always in the direction I thought, but as I dredged through the forest of lies & deception, my feet were untied from the weight of the sin I was carrying around. I hate who I was. I hated what my heart looked like.
I am embracing a sense of renewal in my heart. I am seeing things from a better light. I think it's that washing from the Holy Spirit into my life. I never felt the kind of peace I now feel when I read the Bible. It hasn't become a chore, it's become a way of life. It is my source. It is the Truth that sets me free from the bondage and weight of sin.

Here I am, with outstretched hands... pour into me, a young girl with skinned knees. Repair my heart, give it new life. Breathe into me. Love, love me deeply.