To the pessimist in me.

I should be asleep.

The room next to me, once occupied by my older brother, now inhabits two sleeping silly girls- my twin nieces.

Last night, B crept into my cozy bed, while A was in the other room, fast asleep. B was listening to tunes I put on their brand new mp3 player [which my mom gave to them from something I bought on Black Friday], and she was like a little hummingbird. She turned to me and said, "we are like sisters," :giggle.

That warmed my heart. I realized that every opportunity I have with them, I can make it very happy and positive-- something that they will always remember -- a good memory.

So often, I dwell on the negative and short-comings. I keep thinking, "is this really my life? shouldn't I be doing this, or be here, or something - something- something else?"

But for whatever the reason, in my singleness I can either dwell on the negative, or forget that, and see things from a different perspective-- like my nieces.

If I were married, if I were living somewhere else, that bond wouldn't ever be there. I've got this grand opportunity to be something of a stable role model, someone they can look up to. I can enjoy them like if they were my own kids, just with the easy breaks. It really is maturing me. It's mothering my maternal instincts. They can learn from me, but by golly, am I ever learning from them, too.

So, to the pessimist in me, you get kicked to the curb this time.

I keep pondering a guy friend whom I have known for a few years. He was a bit younger when I first met him, but he still had that twinkle [for the lack of a better term], in his eye that caught my attention even then. I could tell he was immature at the time.

Fast forward a couple years, and that twinkle has turned into a full-blown glittering mass of stars bellowing in the dark sky. He stands out. He just shines Christ's love. I am so drawn to his presence; it's very strange. We have connected a couple times, and all I can do is mutter a few words... pretty pathetic! I'm just in awe of him and his heart and purity and commitment to the Lord.

My pondering led me to think of what I had considered "settling" for. Not that anything is going to happen with either situations, but you know, I like to think... so as to compare, it was like apples and oranges. I was considering that "this is the best I will ever have," because "I will never meet someone like him..."

BAM. Surprise!

I ended up stumbling upon old FB messages from a guy friend of mine. He wrote something in regards to feeling like the Lord told him a few things that I needed to hear. In a broad summary, he told me that I hadn't been asking God certain things because I didn't think he could actually do them, or wanted to do them. i.e.- give me the desires of my heart.

I suppose all along, I avoided asking God for something because I didn't think I deserved it. A lot of times, I don't feel I deserve a good, godly guy who loves God because I don't feel adequate enough. I wasn't allowing God to be enough in that situation to follow through.

Not like when we ask, we're going to get what we want; but God WANTS to give us our desires, I know he does!! I believe that now. And when I was in the mode of "well, he's OKAY/good enough to date," God said, nuh-uh... just let me weed them out. And I'd say... "whatever, I give up. don't even bother. I'm fine being single... I don't need anyone..." even though it is a huge desire on my heart....

So the most recent guy I had a "crush" on [I say this very loosely], I had to keep secrets from a lot of my good friends and parents, because I knew they'd never approve & would say I could do better. But I wanted to see him with these rose-colored lenses, that hey, "he's showing interest in me, so that's okay, right?" Hmmm...

Then when my guy friend reappeared into my life, wow. I felt like God was waving his hand around, pointing at this guy, to say like "look here! look here! this guy knows what's up & he knows my heart & he's living the right/pure way for Me. I know you've always wanted this, and this is what I want to give you... if you'd let me & trust me & believe that you deserve it..."

I started weeping when I read my friends message, because that is exactly what I felt. I prayed that night to the Lord that my heart's desire would some day come true- - maybe not with my reappearing friend [but I sure wouldn't mind!], but someone with those redeeming, notable, noble, admiring, godly characteristics. He knows his identity in Christ, and that outshines far anything else!

I know what I want. I am praying for that to come true some day, because God wants to bless me with someone like that. And although I'm itching to be in that place in my life, there's things all around me that need my attention first... or maybe, my focus just needs to be a bit more clearer for me to see what it's all about. I don't really know to be honest.

But I can tell you one thing: if I'd end up with someone like my reappearing friend, wow. I would be utterly amazed and thankful and blessed... because God knows I never thought I deserved it.

But I do... we all do.

To the pessimist, optimism is on its way to show you what's up.

The Office: Christmas Party

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD!!!

Ahhh, the first settling remnants of the white stuff: snow!

I'll admit, I was itching to see the first snow on the ground, since it is already 9 days into December. It was going to happen sooner, rather than later.

I primped myself and got those "watsizzlin' curls", as my friend Becca & Lauren refer my locks as... and put on a black sequin embroidered skirt & top, and threw on my sequin trim sweater...

there is a theme here... yes, I like sequin-y things.

Anyway, I got all snazzy because my friend Matt invited me to his Christmas work party. I traveled on my way out 45 minutes to his humble abode, and there we ventured off on the slippery roads to pick up his co-worker and head to Macatawa Legends. It was a beautifully decorated building, all decked out in Christmas decor. We proceeded inside and downstairs to this blue & white snowy themed banquet room. At each table, there were centerpieces with vases wrapped in sparkly ribbon and filled with yummy Hershey's kisses; and peeking out the top was some blue & white tissue with glittery vines & a crystal snowflake. Pretty.

The food was very delish. For starters, there were pita chips & asiago cheese dip, and then flavorful stuff mushrooms. Yum. There was an electric blue punch, and blueberries scattered about in the drink. The main course consisted of a salad with yummy dried cranberries and leafy sorts & tomatoes; following a buffet style of mixed green veggies with carrots, beans, asparagus, zucchini... and the best mashed potatoes I have EVER had, with a choice of beef, chicken, or salmon. I went with the safe bet- chicken. For dessert, I really wanted them all. haha. There was cheesecake, a brownie slathered in ice cream and strawberry sauce, or a 3-layered chocolate mousse. Knowing myself, I wanted the cheesecake. In fact, I wish I had chosen that, but alas, I'm always up for trying something different, so I went with the mousse. It was very sweet and good.

Well, 4 drinks later, I was thinking, "why did I even drink so much?" .....Free. FREE.

Though free can sometimes be bad in this case, haha.

Nah, I didn't drink them all. But after two drinks sinking in Malibu, well, things start getting a little fuzzy. =P Then I got a Mike's, and got poured a glass of red wine.... let's just say I dabbled in each drink.... and well, they were free? Did I mention that?

Anyway, I seriously felt like this was... or could have very well been, an episode of the Office.

There was a group of 30 or so at this party, and I guess that's the company. For me, I was thinking it was going to be much bigger, but I guess not. One of the employee's husband's was the "guest speaker," if you will, and let me tell you... we have found ourselves a new Michael Scott to replace him. This guy was blasting out the moronic jokes and bad-timing humor like nobody's business. I was laughing at some points just because no one else was & I was starting to feel bad for this guy, which I guess made it so funny to me... and well, I did have 4 drinks, so maybe it was just me.

There were names drawn out of a bag, and each employee got to pick from the plethora of gifts. Some picked out a Mr Coffee Maker, iPod shuffle, Leatherman, gift baskets, etc etc. I never really looked it over since I wasn't planning on being included in this... but surprise!! They drew my name right at the end. I was kind of shocked when I heard, "Lauren." haha. So I got up there and was handed a gift basket with things like chocolate and cookies [I think... I can never really

tell with gifty items in a basket]. If I would have been thinking, I should have snagged the iPod shuffle! You were able to "steal" once, and darn it, I didn't. But I also felt slightly weird doing that, since the couple's at our table were so nice, and the lady sitting next to me picked the Mr Coffee & her husband picked the iPod shuffle. Later Matt informed me that they were really well off, so not like they couldn't have bought one, or like, 50 of them, like it was nothing. Darn!

Michael Scott... or umm, whatever his name was... was in charge of the games, too. Oh boy, did this get pretty nutty. The games themselves were pretty funny, but at this point in the night [9:30p], half the people had left. So there was one game where there were 5 tall boxes with jingle bells in them, and you had to line them up by how many were in there [5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 35]. All you got to do was shake them. I decided to take a jab at the game, since they were giving out $10 gift cards to places... and there was an Applebee's one up for grabs, ha ha, and I love me some Applebee's! So since hardly no one was participating, "Michael" took out 2 of the boxes. After the clock started, I had a minute to figure them out and line them up accordingly. After careful consideration and rolling the jingles in the boxes, I put them in order and waited.... AH! I WON! haha. So I actually scored TWO $10 gift cards, the other being at Panera. Not bad, not bad!

By the end of the night [10:30p], there were like 8 people left. So everyone was cleaning up, and

oh, there was also a guessing game of how many kisses were in the centerpieces-- and if you guessed close enough, you won it. Well, lucky for me, their were name drawings for extra centerpieces, and I ended up drawing Matt's name- so he got to keep one- & the husband of one lady said he didn't want his [and she can't eat chocolate], so she took the balloons and crystal snowflake [boo!], but hey, I got a pretty vase filled with chocolate!

Also, they had a game using nice plastic martini glasses, and "Michael" gave them to me, along with a pretty metal tray, chapstick, CDS [Nutcracker, & a Blue Collar Christmas ha ha], AND

blueberry candy canes.

WOW.

So needless to say, I was filled to the brim with goodies, so I'd say it was worth the drive out there, haha. It was very fun, and I had a very fun "date," thanks to Matt.

We ended the night snapping a few photos, since we never took any there, and he looked at my ailing old Dell laptop.... [pretty sure it's on its last legs..... so I ordered a new one around Black Friday time. It's an HP, in SWEET PURPLE, and yeah, it seems pretty good! Just spent waaaaay too much though!] So we were both way tired, and I headed home. I think next week he may accompany me to my friend's Ugly Sweater/Mustache/Christmas party in Lowell, so that should be lots of fun.

Anyway, it was a very fun evening, and hopefully there will be many more in the near future!

reminisce

My green tea is cold. it doesn't feel the same, but I still love the taste...

I reminisced tonight with an old acquaintance-friend...

I would have to say he was probably the first "official" guy I went on a date with...

it was funny, because I never knew if he considered it one, until he told me tonight.

I always feel like I have this magnet for attracting really weird guys, and he said "well we went out on a date, and I don't think I'm a weirdo!"

Yeah, one of a few that weren't.

It's funny, I can't even remember any other really special "dates" that I've been on.

This date we had was on Valentine's day, back in 2004.

He walked into our dorm lounge, holding a vase of pretty white red flushed roses. We went with other friends to a hockey game, where the ice was a reddish pink. I don't even remember us talking much; but he said we did. He said he wasn't bored [like I thought], but just really nervous.

haha, funny how that one date was the best one I've ever had...

I hope some day that I get to experience that wonderful, exciting, thrilling enticement of beautifying yourself, and anticipating your date's arrival. He wants to be with you, and only you. He's so excited to see you and be with you and learn about you.

It's a beautiful thing.

I look forward to someone else doing the same... in a non-creepy way, or not having to tell me that he finds me beautiful within the first date, and how he wants to get to know me and date me-- that freaks me out. -And yes, this has happened to me again; some guy trying to persuade me that he's a good guy and that I'm exceptionally gorgeous and that we should hang out and that I would really like him...... uck. No thanks. Not interested in some guy pursuing me like a race horse. This isn't a race to win my heart... not in that way, anyway.

The guy I mentioned is married now, but I cherish that memory... and I think that is okay.

I love the thought of "slow-dancing" our way into something really special and precious. It's not something that should be rushed or hurried along. I don't want to be swept away in lustful wishes, but slowly getting to know someone and their heart and what they live for.

And I think that's just fine. You can't possibly fall for someone in a day...

Oh Deer.

Today, I hit a deer.

I was on my way to go to a church conference at the place I work at, and thought I'd call my nieces to wish them a happy 7th birthday on the drive there; when a jolt/smash and a flash before my eyes caught a glimpse of a deer sneaking by the passenger side of my car....

I freaked out and screamed... to where my sister heard me and asked what happened/was I ok?

I couldn't even speak!

The car swerved and skidding across the slick, snowy pavement and I ended up off the side of the road on the East Beltline. I was in complete horrified shock as I sat there and almost in tears... I'm not sure why it was so scary, but it was... I think it was more the fact that it wrecked my car, and I love that little Cobalt. Which probably is really silly, but it's true.

Since I was on the phone w/my sister, she had her husband call our Dad, and him & my Mom were on the way. In the meantime, I started to tear up and think that "this could have been way worse; what if someone was around me when this happened? What if someone else would have smashed into me?" It could have been... but it wasn't. Thank God.

Then other thoughts began to run through my mind. Personal thoughts that I won't get into, but it really made me think... hard.

A few minutes later, a car pulled up behind me and it just so happened to be a Police car. Flashers going, he proceeded to walk up by my car and I opened the door. He asked me what happened, and I barely got out the words to say I hit a deer.... he got my info, and a few minutes later I heard a couple shots. I knew he found the deer and that it was still alive up until that point.

Finally, my parents got there, then the towing company... which towed away my little blue Cobalt.... and finally, my brother came with a truck to take the deer. My dad and him did the gutting and all that gross stuff so they wouldn't have to do it later. Since I was planning on going to clean at the church I work at, my cousin Heather stopped by too, since she was there at the church. I was looking forward to hearing the conference too... now I won't even have a car to use for who knows how long....

Well, then I went to go clean and went home... I talked to my nieces on the phone again, whom had tons of question; but I felt really bad since I freaked out on the phone when I was kind of speaking to Ashley... poor girl was so upset and wanted to see me to make sure I was okay. I hope it didn't traumatize her too much........ here's a birthday to remember, ha... not!

...when I got home, I saw my "trophy" hanging in the garage.... most of the meat is salvageable...

Talk about pre-season hunting... at a way more expensive price.

I definitely did NOT expect this to be how I got my first deer... or a deer period.

old.

It is a remarkably strange feeling to see more and more younger kids getting married before me. These were kids [literally] that I watched grow up, or were around when they were about 12-15 years old. And now, they're engaged. Woah.

BEFORE ME?!?!

It happens. But that doesn't mean I don't think it's really weird and kind of makes me feel like I am never going to get married. . . . .

perhaps my ship is never coming.

god glorifying friendship.

C IM’d me a half hour ago.
I should be in bed sleeping.
I stayed up to watch “Hot In Cleveland”- funny funny show.
Back to C.
He’s in another world. literally.
My heart changed because of him.
I think his heart changed because of me… For the better. To be where he is right now. Not to give myself the credit, at ALL; but God used me in this situation and that is very clear to me… you are used. every opportunity.

God can be praised. God can use you.

and he will.

This is pure evidence of it. I am amazed. I am smiling in realization. epiphany.
It wasn’t all a waste. It wasn’t wrong. It was absolutely, perfect in every way.

God was the center of our friendship. God used us for each other, to better one another in this journey.
Even though things didn’t go the way I had planned [as they usually don’t], I remember smiling/crying after driving home one night when we used to hang out all the time. I realized how deeply God had moved my heart and used C to do so. And that’s exactly what is all about.

God was glorified in our encounter.
God was glorified in our close friendship.

He’s offline now. Probably a bad connection.
But we connected and that’s never going to go away. Our friendship may be frozen in time, but that time was not wasted. Not at all.

I learned from it. And it’s about time I let go and move ahead. Press onward towards whatever He has in store for me. Perhaps I can be light in someone else’s life that needs shining on… reflecting His light to spread it like wildfire…

And perhaps, this is what life is all about…

[[Ecc 3: 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ]]

*um yum?

Why am I always hungry? I mean, I sit here and I feel hungry. I wake up hungry. I wish I had an appetite suppressant, because I sure could use it, haha. I am actually trying to lose weight, and this "I feel hungry, I want to eat" bit is not helping at all!!! I just like food.... obviously. I wish I were a super picky eater, then maybe I wouldn't have a problem!

everything.always.sounds.so.good.

gahhhhh.

rain

I'm not sure what it is about hearing the rain tenderly tap against the window sill, but it sounded so refreshing and pure in the darkness of the night. I think that is one of my most favorite things-- hearing the rain at night. It comforts the darkness in a cool way.

I used to be terrified of storms. Perhaps the very unsuspecting ways in which I wasn't sure what was to come from them... but now? I relish storms. Sure, sometimes thunder and lightning frighten me [well, the getting struck by it is what does it, ha]; but hearing the rain come down feels like I'm being cleansed right down to my bone.

Fresh start.

Change.

I'm soaking in change more and more. I'm seeing myself coloring outside the lines and being OK with that notion. Being perfect is restricting in that sense.

no more boundaries.

just living.

free.

flattery.

I feel like I am redundant when I write that, "life is just interesting." That's all I have to say about that. It really is.
I never would have pictured my life where it is now. In some regard, it flatters me. In another light, it shows all the flaws that I'd rather hide.
Tonight, in some weird way, I had a friend tell me that his roommate found me very pretty. He saw my photo some how because of him. I thought, wow that's really nice. And I ended up interacting via text with this guy, and he is a few years older than me. Nothing wrong with that... until he gets defensive when I asked how tall he was. Now, I don't think it's a shallow thing-- but I'm sorry, I just can't go out with someone who is shorter than me. I don't feel like a "woman" with a short guy. I feel like I'm with a child, if that. I dated a couple shorter fellows, and I just never could feel completely confident or comfortable. I sure can tell you how I feel when I'm with a taller man. I feel secure, safe, confident. I'm going to stick to that... I don't care how many times you try to convince me otherwise. Sorry guy, I'm not interested. And the funny thing with that is, I was very nice about it; and he got extremely defensive and saying it wasn't "Christian" of me. Really, you're going to throw that out there at me? I said everyone has their preferences. I can't help that I prefer a taller guy. And he just said 'whatever, good night.' Hmm, thanks for showing your true age of 15 years old.

Things like this just disappoint me. It's like, "oh sure, of course someone who finds me attractive is not attractive to me OR tall." I just realized something about this encounter, though... I could think, "well shoot, whatever, no one else is pursuing me... give him a chance, be that "nice girl who never says no to a guy because you feel bad about saying no & hey you get a free meal out of the deal." But then that leads to you having to deal with the wrath of 1-being a big "B" because you got a free meal & led him on, and 2- knowing my history with guys, he'd probably turn crazy and stalk me. Sheesh.
But really, what brief lesson I figured out is: don't settle. absolutely. do. NOT SETTLE.

Of course, I knew this, right? I think so... I think? Again, I realized my heart has been saying, "hey, don't worry about this-n-that about that guy, he seems 'good enough,' plus you're attracted to him; ignore his bad habits, ignore that he uses profanity, ignore that he is a party goer, ignore that he drinks in excess, ignore... Ignore?"

And as I was contemplating these past situations, my friend told me about this song by Nichole Nordeman- "Beautiful For Me":
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me...

And you know what else? My mom does not like my new hair color. You'd think, 'big deal, it's just hair!' right? Wrong! I wish she would be supportive of me & the decisions I make. But I am never good enough... that's how I feel. I can't ever make the "right" decision-- but really, it is I don't make the decisions she wants me to. I'm not sure how to live up to her higher than high expectations. I really don't...
Now all my friends say they like my hair color [and I didn't even have to ASK, they gladly praised me about it]; to which my mom said that they weren't being truthful to me, that they just said it because that's what they had to say... Really? Thanks... all I know is, with those lyrics above, I'm going to make sure my daughter knows she's beautiful, no matter what. I'm going to tell my nieces that, too. They deserve it.
Everyone has something that hurts them... huh?

It's hard and it hurts sometimes; and another thing is that I want to find someone & just know... I wish my desires weren't so grand at times. I dream of a fairy tale... and maybe what I really long for is Heaven.
Pure beauty.
Life-time romance.
Perfection.
There's so much to be thankful for, and I am blessed, I know it. When I see the face of one of my sweet nieces or nephews, I just know. I know. That is love. It is innocent. It is real. Their love for you is something that cannot be described. You feel it. You live it... you breathe it.
It is beautiful...

and that, is what I'm waiting for.



"dear true love, I'm a writer without any words, I'm a story that nobody heard, when I'm without you..."

unmasked beauty

My cousin Heather & I went to Grand Haven on Saturday. The beach was sparkling as we arrived promptly at 11am. I don't know the last time I've gotten there that early. I left with burning sensations in both sides of my legs, but I left with a full heart.

At the end of May, Heather was supposed to have a small procedure for a medical condition, which turned into a horrifying life-or-death situation. Literally. She almost died. But she did not.

Ever since then, it's been a very long & hard recovery for her. We hadn't really spent any time together since her surgeries, but that day we did. She would bring up very random stories that I had completely forgot were storied somewhere in the dusty attic of my long-term memory bank. Oh, some of the things she remembered where hysterical-- in the sense that I wondered, "how in the world did you remember, that!?"

But it made me realize how we have been not only cousins, but friends, our whole life. We've experienced the childhood taunts, teenage heartbreak, and college-woes. We've laughed, been mad at each other, and cried at things that only we know. We have jokes that nobody else would get, or laugh at. I am so thankful she is still here. Even when she pushes my buttons [haha], I am so thankful for her friendship.

There's something so simple and beautiful about that, isn't there?

Another thing that has been changing for me is my fears. Lies I buy into.

It's a constant, every day battle for me. I'm not sure why this is, but it is the case.

Every one battles something. My "thing" isn't any less or more than someone else's "thing."

I've struggled with self-image for as long as I can remember. I just never had solid encouragement within my family unit. Figuratively speaking, instead of posting photos of the family on the fridge, it would be cut-outs of "perfect" people-- amazingly flawless, bodies perfected by hard-cut abs, long lean legs, and a killer smile.

This has been my greatest downfall.

Unlivable perfection.

I don't want to blame anyone for this. I really don't. This is what has been dealt to me, most likely because of other's fears that were downcast upon me. It was inevitable that I had to brace these storms, because I have been caught in it... someone else's wounds, battles, heartaches.

I still encounter these "storms" because of someone's insecurities. I'm not going to say who, because that's not fair, but I wish I had more encouragement and uplifting words being spoken to me growing up. I just didn't. I had fears, insecurities, scars in my midst.

What was spoken to me was-- in order to be accepted, you must look beautiful. You must be fit. You must have good teeth, hair, eye-makeup to cover your flaws [gross]. No guy is going to like you if you aren't all of the above. Your beauty comes from your external appearance. Wear your head high, & fake it, because no one wants to see you cry.

Sad, very sad. And I believed every word. I've lived these words. I've lived a very broken life.

But then.

f r e e d o m

Oh sweet Jesus. Thank you. THANK YOU. For unmasking the beauty within. Deep within. There were so many layers. So many masks to unveil. So many hurts to heal.

But your love would not stop pouring into me. You wouldn't stop. As much as I tried to ignore you and what you had to say to me, you were relentless.

Thank God you won. You keep setting me free from these wounds.

I stepped out of my house without any makeup on the beginning of this summer. I was so afraid, so scared to be seen. My beauty, or there lack of, I thought, would be seen. What would people see? I've worn the mask for so long. . . would anyone recognize me?

I think the first time I went to Meijer. No makeup, eye glasses sporting my look. I was petrified. "No odd stares? No one cringing at me? wow!" I walked in my house, amazed. But those fears were spoken again, "you aren't wearing any makeup? you're going to scare someone!"

It was a slow cut in an already scarred area, but I put a bandage on it.

More and more times. I did this. I went out. Maybe no one saw me, but I saw me. Totally unmasked.

The real test was spending the night at my cousin Holly's. I was scared, but I did it. Completely unmasked, no makeup to hide my flaws, nothing. Real. Raw. And she said nothing... because she does the same exact thing. She will wear makeup, but she also sports the au-natural look. I learned something from her, that I'm sure she doesn't know... I should tell her. Because it is an absolutely Amazing feeling.

More experiences, no fears being made.

And then I went to the beach with my cousin and my friend Derek. I was nervous being in a suit in front of anyone (especially a guy), but I was NOT going to let fear hold me back from going to the beach [my most favorite spot to be]. Again, I thought, "I need to wear makeup... they're going to think I'm not attractive showing all my lovely red dots." But I kicked it, and went. No makeup, again. Not even mascara. I just did not care. Wow. F R E E I N G.

This has happened SO much this summer.

I just am caring less and less. It feels absolutely beautiful.

And those words try to cut me down [totally unaware? maybe?]

And my boldness cuts their remarks, "I just don't care, why should you? why do you say those things to me? I never say them to you. Ever."

I suppose I'm becoming calloused to those remarks being made, but I don't think that's a bad thing.

God, you are setting me free.

You see me as beautiful.

I am your daughter, and you speak only good, loving things to me! [I am going to be saying these things to my nieces. And some day, if I ever have children, they will too.]

And guess what? You have no control over me. Your words can't hurt me. Some day, I hope I can muster the strength to say something, anything, to let you know you don't have to hide either.

Maybe some day.

But right now, as I sit with hardly any makeup on, hair undone, hoodie on.... I am thankful for your grace. Your unending love & pursuit.

Truth sets you f r e e.

beach bummin'

I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer.If someone would have told me what this year had in store, I don't know if I would have believed it.

It's been a "seasons changing" past 8 months.

It's been really nice being able to spend time with my mom too; and just going out to the beach and what not. I still get treated like I'm 16 years old sometimes... but in light of recent events [my sister-in-law's mother dying from cancer & not living much longer], I've realized that these moments are only memories that I'm making-- and they won't last forever.

As much as she can drive me nutty by her over-bearing behavior, I love her just the same, and I'm thankful she is still here for me. I can't imagine what my sister-in-law is going through right now... and she's only a year older than me.

So summer, you have been very good to me. Old things have passed like the springtime flower, but new things have slowly fallen into place, and I love it.

Even with things being so temperamental, it's been really good making new friends and deepening those friendships. It's funny how you go through one phase, thinking you want it back & don't want things to change; and embracing it as a memory that you cherish, yet, loving what is right now... because I wouldn't change a thing.

Love at all times. I have this written down in front of me. I've been thinking of that more-so. It's something Cameron instilled in me-- Love like Christ, in any situation, with anyone. And I caught myself going beyond the platonic; & I kicked it down a few notches, realizing that what these people need is to be loved well, and loved the right way.

It isn't about me. It's about HIM and what I reflect.

I feel like my thoughts are kind of scattered about at the time, but bottom-line:

I have loved the changes each season brings.

Because Fall, I'm ready to fall for you.

where's the joy?

"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

I had been feeling a great sense of joy as of late... I could call it happiness, but that is so temporal.
I think the discovery of finding myself in the Lord, knowing that I am enough, that I am beautiful, that my heart is good... those things have made me feel a great sense of joy within.
I wish this feeling always stayed near to my heart, but I'm not sure how to keep it there long-term.
My heart always seems so fickle.

I feel like I'm an addict for love... or falling for people.
I was thinking about this more recently. It seems to be a pattern. {I hate admitting this, but it's true}.
I think about the past few guys I have been interested in... Looking at them, I see a lot of similarities, but they all were so different. It's kind of funny, because 3 out of the 5 are involved with film/acting, one is a musician, and the other is a free-spirited soon-to-be missionary.
The most recent one, I fell for hard. We became best friends... I had never quite felt this way about anyone. I really cannot describe it. [And I know I'm not the only girl who has fallen in this same way for him... I'm not sure what that says?]. But my friend recently asked me, "why can't you just be friends with a guy? why do you have to complicate it with all this crap? you do this every time..."

I hated the way she is right... but she just doesn't get it... right? right........ or.... maybe she is right.

I wish I could say I didn't give my heart away to someone who didn't deserve it... but I can't.
I do it over and over and over again...
That doesn't leave God with much, does it??

I struggle with knowing how to not give my heart away... I don't want to build up walls... it took me THIS long to tear them all down.
But I guess I need to do a better job with hiding it... behind God's protection. Because if my heart is hidden in God, then that man will have to seek HIM to find me... yes?
And that's what I want.
I want him to seek me out, because I placed my trust and hidden beauty in Christ.

I read this statement on a friend's page...

"The idea of the "soul mate" does not appear anywhere in the Bible. Not once. God did not create a man specifically for the purpose of making me happy. Relationships, therefore, have nothing to do with "destiny" or our romantic, americanized notions of "the one." It's about making the choice to love each other as Christ loves. That's it."

I'd have to say, that's what it's all about. If you find someone who inspires, encourages, loves, respects, and wants the best for you, take time to develop what is there. And really, it is about loving each other like Christ.

So you know what? That's what I'm waiting for. It's hard... it hurts sometimes to be like, "why is it taking so long? when will he notice me?" But maybe spending so much time on wanting it, will make it even longer to get there because you're focused on the wrong stuff. I'm telling myself this too. I don't want to continue to wonder, "what did he mean by this?" "when he said this, did that mean he's interested?" I'm over-thinking it once again... the pattern just keeps on repeating. I need to stop. I need to look with different eyes.
It always seems "different." I always say that... "he's different."
And you know what? It is true.
And then I think, "I can't imagine anyone else better for me..."
And that's true as well... for the moment.
And then I realized, it is different. it is better. every time. and I learn from each situation.
And when I think I won't get over him, time tells me otherwise.
I hope this time, it won't just be a pattern, it won't just be a different face- same situation;
I hope that the light that is guiding me here will shine bright and I won't have to wait any longer.

Some day, he'll see me. And it will be right.

My joy is made complete in You.
Help me follow this through...

Nehemiah 8:10 “…Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

We can have the JOY of the Lord and it is our STRENGTH also. How cool is that?

Psalm 54:4 Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

Base your happiness on God who is our source for everything, and let the people in your life be just that—flawed, imperfect and 100% human. You’ll be surprised at how much stress is removed from your relationships when you do this.

Mirror, Mirror: Do You Really See?

I'm going to start off with a pure, credulous statement:

I am not beautiful.

Truth be told, it is a lie that has shadowed my existence as a woman my whole life...

It all seems "too good to be true," that someone like myself, could be seen as beautiful. How could this be when all that was rooted in my heart was self-hate? For so long, I have looked to the mirror to define who I was, who I should be, or who I wished I could be. It never occurred to me that the reflection I saw was only a cloudy distortion of who I truly am:

An image-bearer of God.

Staring at that statement made me feel completely wrecked, but in a good way. The initial factor began to weigh on me, though. How have I come to the point of hating what God made-- me? In reality, I was hating his very image when self-hate came into play. Boy, does that ever kick you in the gut.

But then the thought occurred to me; how is it that I have conformed my view of myself based upon something so ludicrous? Where are these feelings coming from? I'm made in the image of God-- the tenderness, love, beauty, gentleness-- that reflects his heart, how could I view him as beautiful, but not myself?

What a startling realization that was pressed upon me as a woman.

Men and women are made very differently; yet, they both bring two extremely opposite, but essential elements together by being formed in the image of God. In the most generic sense, Adam brought strength, stability, masculinity; and Eve brought the loving, tender, beautiful side of God's image. The two coincide and cannot be broken apart. After the Fall, mankind has been attacked. Men deal with many insecurities-- if they are strong, able, willing, if they have what it takes; Women deal with many insecurities-- if they are worth the fight, good enough, seen as beautiful. And for women, that is what is attacked so heavily. That lingering question in the back of our minds-- Am I good enough? Am I worth pursuing? Am I beautiful?

And what else is attacked that is deemed beautiful? Creation. There have been devasting natural disasters that have totally destroyed beauty. It is heavily under attack. It was said in the Bible that Lucifer was the most glorious, beautiful angels God had. But his pride in himself instilled a power trip, and well, we all know how that turned out. And to think, God created women as that beautiful side of him-- isn't it obvious WHY our beauty is so under attack? Satan hates that we are a reflection of God-- HIS beauty-- that he will do whatever it takes to destroy it and feed us with lies.

I feel like I have been living in a circus room of distorted mirrors. I see this very distorted vision of myself, which makes me look to the other mirror of how people view me, then it makes me look at how I should be through everyone else's distorted mirrors. I've been dealing with the lies for far too long.

I have seemed to lose sight of the mirror that God sees me through. . . that he sees others through, too.

We need to start shattering some of those other mirrors and the lies they give us, and focus on God's miror instead.

Because guess what? God defines you.

And that is the truth that will set us free.

I just wanted to share and be open with everyone who might read this. It's a hard thing to be vulnerable and truthful; it's much easier to put on a smile and say, "everything is great!"

My friend Cameron told me something like this: "look at how God sees you; ask him to show you the way he sees you, what he thinks about you... stop worrying about what everyone else thinks."

Coming to the point of loving yourself is where you'll truly see what God sees. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Stop believing the lies that are fed to you. LOVE yourself, love your neighbors as yourself. God is love. You can't possibly love God in absolute entirety when you hate yourself.

I wish my thoughts were a little more conclusive, but this will do for now.

If I keep shadowing my garden, my flowers with never grow... my beauty will never be seen. So here's to continuing to peel back the layers of dark clouds that have been keeping me from seeing my own worth, my own purpose. And just being beautiful.

:And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.: -[John 8:32]

don't get me down.

I'm sitting here listening to Owl City's new CD, "All Things Bright & Beautiful," and it really is quite as the title explains. I like how this CD is a little bit more real and heartfelt, I feel. I'm not sure if their are any "outstanding" songs; I think they're all good; maybe a couple stick out to me... but it's just a good CD, anyhow. =]

I looked over a couple other notes I wrote on FB [like the one below]; and it has been a few months since I have written something related to poetry. Perhaps I just haven't felt very inspired. I haven't physically wrote in my journal, either. I'm not sure what is up with me. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Sometimes I just feel sad. Sometimes I just feel unnoticed, unworthy, unneeded.

you pose your questions like bombs in the sky, slowly they fall and there's no time to run and hide. your words are poison, they sting me with beautiful covered lies.

That's how I feel like sometimes. I feel like it's so easy for me to be attacked, or be brought down, defeated. I'm not sure how I can rise up, and GO for things. I feel so scared, so uncalled. I hate feeling like this. I don't want another four years to pass me by, and still be in the same place. It looks pathetic, or maybe I just feel pathetic.

And honestly, I wish I didn't care as I do... or have a heart that feels so much. Sometimes, I feel as though I wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to use [some for good, some for bad]; and I am just drained. I need balance some how.

I think about how some people hurt my feelings and are malicious-- perhaps not even to my face.

Two things have happened recently- the most recent: I was in conversation with a "friend acquaintance," and in mid-convo, he told me he felt he should apologize... for how he acted a year or so ago. Taken aback, I asked for what? And he responded that he felt he was really short/rude to me when he'd see me... and I thought for a second, and all I came up with was a joke to cover the sting- "oh I always knew you didn't like me.. ha ha." He said, no that's not it... I like you; I guess I was just being cocky... I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" I said yes, but then I thought... really? Does that mean he felt he was too good to talk to me? I guess another insecurity surfaced... to which I have with the male gender--

that I'm not good enough; I'm not worth talking to. I'm not worth their time...

The other incident happened after my birthday; a girl said something really horrible to me on facebook-- and how I'm the most self-centered, conceited person she has EVER met; that I post photos to make people comment and say I'm pretty; and that I draw attention to myself on purpose, and that I need to grow up.

I was so hurt by this, and it made me cry. It was like that horrible insecurity I have been fighting for years came back and bit me in the rear. I couldn't believe someone could be that mean. I can't say I am NEVER EVER unkind [I really try not to be, but we all fail], but this was just plain hurtful. She doesn't even know me. That is not my heart. THAT IS NOT MY HEART!

It was like she took a knife to it and said "screw you and your heart. you don't matter. your feelings don't matter. I could care less."

And that's what hurts. To know someone could care LESS about my feelings, when I try so hard to make sure everyone is pleased, that everyone is okay, that people who are hurting become comforted.

And yet, in this person's hurt -or whatever her problem was/is towards me- she decided to use poison in her words to hurt me. She decided it was better to be "hateful" [or probably truthful in her blinding mind's eye] to tell me like it is... no matter what.

And you know what was ironic? I've been guilty of this too. And that stung as I realized it after it all.

I haven't always been kind with my words.

I haven't always been there for my friends.

I have talked bad about people,

I have spoken unkind words behind someone's back.

I have sinned in many ways.

So what makes her better than me?

Nothing, really.

And it made me see how I need to be more like Jesus. Would Jesus act like that girl? No. Would Jesus think it was alright for me to speak badly about her to get back at her? Absolutely not... even when I'm like, "BUT didn't you see what she said to me?!!? She hurt me! She doesn't even know me! You know that isn't me, Jesus... you know me!"

And you know what I'd think he might say?

"That's right, I do know you. And that's all that matters... And you know what else that matters? You living your life the best you can, with my mind's eye. Don't lose sight of what you're trying to find; you're already something... just let yourself shine because I'm looking at you."

Lord, help me be more like you. In my speech, in my walk, in my thoughts. In everything.

November 16, 2010.

Little Sparks Fan Into Flames

by Lauren Watsizzle on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 5:12am

[Written to: Jónsi- Sinking Friendships]

The static puzzled through the other side

Nothing was heard.

The picture you waited for

Was painted in the night sky

As the crushed blue drank up the reds, yellows and violet hues.

The stars began to dance in the midnight sky

As we quietly wandered into winter's air

It came like a thief in the night

Pushing us closer into each other's arms.

You held me close as I watched you breathe

The natural reaction of seeing you be.

The earth was centered by the whites of your eyes

As the gray in mine was sparkling by their design

Your eyes never looked so pure in my view.

Is this all a dream that I'm falling into?

I see you breathe in and breathe out

A smile so innocent

So pure in sheer delight

Pale lips discover the warmth of your soul

The crevasses embark on a journey through the night

Your hands intertwined with mine

I've never been so satisfied being alive.

I carefully thumb my fingers through your hair

Counting the threads that are so evenly declared.

Little sparks that fan into flames

Sets ablaze the fire of a patient heart

I never thought I'd feel the way I do about you.

The sinking friendships, we drown them all

In the whimsical plight of love

But to discover someone as winsome

Someone strong and true

The captivating look which changed my view.

A quiet heart when words are few

The intricate touch from a soul

So magnetic, so electric

You became the beautiful dream I fell into.

paper heart

I often think of my heart like a piece of paper.

It gets tattered and worn, scribbled upon, stained, tainted.

But every day,

I get to start over.

My nieces and nephew are so precious to me. How can you not love them [with the card above]?

It burns my paper heart.

There is something interesting about letting go and moving on...

Even though my heart

seems to always be taped to his,

I'm finding myself slowly tearing it away.

Maybe my paper heart is also very thin and fickle.

But there's something wonderful about new beginnings.

The way they stare right back at you with wonder.
"Who are you? What do you love? What is your passion?"

It just so happens that starting over can be so beautiful.

Here's to hoping that this time around, it will be different.

It feels different.

Here's my heart... guard it while I let it discover something new and wonderful.

unrequited.birthday

I really don't know who reads this, to be honest-- if anyone.

And that's okay.

I'm not sure why I keep feeling the way that I do.

Yesterday was my birthday. It started off with my dear friend Katie talking to me for over 3.5 hours on skype. It was so nice. She kept the affirmation coming. It was wonderful.

Then I got to skype with my friend Johnny & his sister Cherry in Thailand! So awesome. It was just really sweet that I got to talk to them.

Then some other people said stuff-- how they wish they could be here with me, all this stuff. It sucks since my friends live out of state, or else they have jobs that they have to work in the evening, too.

So I don't know, I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself; knowing that not a lot of people were going to wish me happy birthday... everyone resorts to Facebook. Or texting. And even though *I* do that too, I hate it. But even some of my friends didn't even say anything... I don't know, birthdays have always been really important to me, and when people don't say anything, it hurts my feelings. Maybe it's stupid. It's just a birthday, right?

And the one person I wish would have called me, didn't.

Well, it turned out being an alright evening. I went to dinner with my sister-in-law; and she was like, "you should have told me you wanted to do something today! I would have!" But instead, I felt sorry for myself, almost cried, and slept in a long time. I feel kind of stupid now thinking about it. I could have gone out and did something fun, or bugged more people to do something during the day. But there again, people have jobs. Well, I went out w/a friend later to hear our friend's acoustic show. Which was nice. She didn't even realize it was my birthday I guess, and wish she knew so she could have said something-- which her band mates knew, because one guy mouthed "happy birthday" to me. haha, so silly. But I hung out with them the rest of the night. The one guy used to like me, and we almost dated. I don't think he'll ever read this, but sometimes I think it would be fun to date him. Maybe just to have companionship. Though, I doubt that will actually happen between us. Our friends always tell me how cute together we'd be, but I know he doesn't have the same feelings he once had-- at least that's what he told me.

So I don't know. It was just a weird birthday. But I get to hang out with my family all weekend long and go visit my grandparents in WI, so it will be nice to just get away from everyone.

I still have feelings for someone. And I just don't know if I'll ever stop loving him.

I guess I have to welcome 26 with open arms...

I am thankful, I really am, for everything.

Life just doesn't make sense right now.

Maybe it never will.

This is just not what I pictured for myself at 26.

face up.

Lose the expectations.

Just live.

I'm finding myself further away than what I had expected, but closer than I ever imagined.

You're near, no matter where I go.

The funny part in life is this-- things change, feelings change, seasons change.

We can't stop it from happening.

We just have to keep our faces up, and remember.

There's always something better...

I'm not sure where I am going, I'm not sure what is ahead of me.

But everyone goes through this...

It's interesting how much has changed this year; somethings I never thought would happen, did; and some things I thought were coming, didn't.

And now I'm back to that old feeling.

It never really did go away, entirely...

It's in his eyes, that soul grabbing attention-- it feels like he is looking at me, and only me.

I have always wanted that enticement, that excitement.

But will he feel confident enough to go forward?

Will he think I'm worth fighting for?

Save me from myself.

unfading beauty

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 3:17

And it all comes down to this.

I wasn't prepared.

The funny thing about timing is that it never makes sense. The people you encounter, that never makes sense either.

But it always works out the way it was supposed to.

When we cry from the depths of our heart, to thinking we're not "good enough," & that what we store and cultivate in our hearts isn't worth anything, oh how the Lord cries for us. I know He does.

I have been tormenting my heart with lies and untruths.

For so long... and I believed every word.

I want to stop this. I hurt myself when I do it.

I literally cried out so much from the depths of my heart last week.

The prime ache radiated throughout, thinking that what I have going on, isn't worth anything.

What I've become isn't worth the hassle- - because no one even notices.

They completely overlook what I have to offer, and go for someone who by appearance standards, has me "beat."

How incredibly hurt that makes me.

I thought, who really cares what I have to offer, because apparently their appearance overshadows anything that could be seen within me.

And a girl I don't really know said I was on her mind all day long; she wasn't sure why... but she came across this verse:

1 Peter 3:4 -"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."

How did I lose sight of what was important?

I honestly don't know.

And that is what is most important. What God sees.

WHO cares what man thinks.

If that's the way it's going to be, then I have nothing left to say.

Because God sees my heart for what it is, what it is becoming, and what is in store.

And that is something no one can take from me, unless I let the lies dwell underneath to take it away.

I know my heart is good. Yes I fail so many times. But I want to keep that unfading beauty... that he redeemed.

Perhaps my gentle and quiet spirit is just that- it's quiet, it goes unnoticed to most.

But God- you see it. You always have.

And you always will.

it's just one of those days...

after.shock

I realized that you play some strange game.
You know how I feel, and perhaps that was wrong to be so honest.
I don't understand why you remind me of him,
And that kind of scared me.
Maybe I've been in denial for far too long,
Because I thought I saw something worth while.

I still don't know.
Why you make me feel the way you do.

After-all,

You're just a boy.

I need a man who is going to pursue my heart,

because I'm worth so much.

And more.

A Little Bit of Light

This was found in a devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I deem it quite appropriate in my life right about now.

April 1:
I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.
Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list [written or mental] become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.
[1 Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6]


April 2:
I have promised to meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Your deepest, most constant need is for My peace. I have planted Peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, unbelief. I am the Gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of those weeds. I do My work in various ways. When you sit quietly with me, I shine the Light of my Presence directly into your heart. In this heavenly Light, Peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. I also send trials into your life. When you trust Me in the midst of trouble, Peace flourishes and weeds die away. Thank Me for troublesome situations; the Peace they can produce far outweighs the trials you endure.
[Philippians 4:19--actually the WHOLE chapter is so good; 2 Corinthians 4:17]

You know what's interesting, too? I have written entries about the whole garden analogy; and it's so easy to let those "weeds" devour a beautiful garden. You end up not being able to see what is right in front of you. And therefore, you have to dig down deep to reveal what has always been there-- & with God's light, everything will shine and become apparent. It just takes time.
I want to make my garden a beautiful, peaceful place to reside in. I can picture it now... and I can't wait til it springs forth.

And I can't wait to see the same happen for you, too.