At the end of May, Heather was supposed to have a small procedure for a medical condition, which turned into a horrifying life-or-death situation. Literally. She almost died. But she did not.
Ever since then, it's been a very long & hard recovery for her. We hadn't really spent any time together since her surgeries, but that day we did. She would bring up very random stories that I had completely forgot were storied somewhere in the dusty attic of my long-term memory bank. Oh, some of the things she remembered where hysterical-- in the sense that I wondered, "how in the world did you remember, that!?"
But it made me realize how we have been not only cousins, but friends, our whole life. We've experienced the childhood taunts, teenage heartbreak, and college-woes. We've laughed, been mad at each other, and cried at things that only we know. We have jokes that nobody else would get, or laugh at. I am so thankful she is still here. Even when she pushes my buttons [haha], I am so thankful for her friendship.
There's something so simple and beautiful about that, isn't there?
Another thing that has been changing for me is my fears. Lies I buy into.
It's a constant, every day battle for me. I'm not sure why this is, but it is the case.
Every one battles something. My "thing" isn't any less or more than someone else's "thing."
I've struggled with self-image for as long as I can remember. I just never had solid encouragement within my family unit. Figuratively speaking, instead of posting photos of the family on the fridge, it would be cut-outs of "perfect" people-- amazingly flawless, bodies perfected by hard-cut abs, long lean legs, and a killer smile.
This has been my greatest downfall.
Unlivable perfection.
I don't want to blame anyone for this. I really don't. This is what has been dealt to me, most likely because of other's fears that were downcast upon me. It was inevitable that I had to brace these storms, because I have been caught in it... someone else's wounds, battles, heartaches.
I still encounter these "storms" because of someone's insecurities. I'm not going to say who, because that's not fair, but I wish I had more encouragement and uplifting words being spoken to me growing up. I just didn't. I had fears, insecurities, scars in my midst.
What was spoken to me was-- in order to be accepted, you must look beautiful. You must be fit. You must have good teeth, hair, eye-makeup to cover your flaws [gross]. No guy is going to like you if you aren't all of the above. Your beauty comes from your external appearance. Wear your head high, & fake it, because no one wants to see you cry.
Sad, very sad. And I believed every word. I've lived these words. I've lived a very broken life.
But then.
f r e e d o m
Oh sweet Jesus. Thank you. THANK YOU. For unmasking the beauty within. Deep within. There were so many layers. So many masks to unveil. So many hurts to heal.
But your love would not stop pouring into me. You wouldn't stop. As much as I tried to ignore you and what you had to say to me, you were relentless.
Thank God you won. You keep setting me free from these wounds.
I stepped out of my house without any makeup on the beginning of this summer. I was so afraid, so scared to be seen. My beauty, or there lack of, I thought, would be seen. What would people see? I've worn the mask for so long. . . would anyone recognize me?
I think the first time I went to Meijer. No makeup, eye glasses sporting my look. I was petrified. "No odd stares? No one cringing at me? wow!" I walked in my house, amazed. But those fears were spoken again, "you aren't wearing any makeup? you're going to scare someone!"
It was a slow cut in an already scarred area, but I put a bandage on it.
More and more times. I did this. I went out. Maybe no one saw me, but I saw me. Totally unmasked.
The real test was spending the night at my cousin Holly's. I was scared, but I did it. Completely unmasked, no makeup to hide my flaws, nothing. Real. Raw. And she said nothing... because she does the same exact thing. She will wear makeup, but she also sports the au-natural look. I learned something from her, that I'm sure she doesn't know... I should tell her. Because it is an absolutely Amazing feeling.
More experiences, no fears being made.
And then I went to the beach with my cousin and my friend Derek. I was nervous being in a suit in front of anyone (especially a guy), but I was NOT going to let fear hold me back from going to the beach [my most favorite spot to be]. Again, I thought, "I need to wear makeup... they're going to think I'm not attractive showing all my lovely red dots." But I kicked it, and went. No makeup, again. Not even mascara. I just did not care. Wow. F R E E I N G.
This has happened SO much this summer.
I just am caring less and less. It feels absolutely beautiful.
And those words try to cut me down [totally unaware? maybe?]
And my boldness cuts their remarks, "I just don't care, why should you? why do you say those things to me? I never say them to you. Ever."
I suppose I'm becoming calloused to those remarks being made, but I don't think that's a bad thing.
God, you are setting me free.
You see me as beautiful.
I am your daughter, and you speak only good, loving things to me! [I am going to be saying these things to my nieces. And some day, if I ever have children, they will too.]
And guess what? You have no control over me. Your words can't hurt me. Some day, I hope I can muster the strength to say something, anything, to let you know you don't have to hide either.
Maybe some day.
But right now, as I sit with hardly any makeup on, hair undone, hoodie on.... I am thankful for your grace. Your unending love & pursuit.
Truth sets you f r e e.
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