Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Mirror, Mirror: Do You Really See?

I'm going to start off with a pure, credulous statement:


I am not beautiful.


Truth be told, it is a lie that has shadowed my existence as a woman my whole life...


It all seems "too good to be true," that someone like myself, could be seen as beautiful. How could this be when all that was rooted in my heart was self-hate? For so long, I have looked to the mirror to define who I was, who I should be, or who I wished I could be. It never occurred to me that the reflection I saw was only a cloudy distortion of who I truly am:

An image-bearer of God.


Staring at that statement made me feel completely wrecked, but in a good way. The initial factor began to weigh on me, though. How have I come to the point of hating what God made-- me? In reality, I was hating his very image when self-hate came into play. Boy, does that ever kick you in the gut.

But then the thought occurred to me; how is it that I have conformed my view of myself based upon something so ludicrous? Where are these feelings coming from? I'm made in the image of God-- the tenderness, love, beauty, gentleness-- that reflects his heart, how could I view him as beautiful, but not myself?

What a startling realization that was pressed upon me as a woman.


Men and women are made very differently; yet, they both bring two extremely opposite, but essential elements together by being formed in the image of God. In the most generic sense, Adam brought strength, stability, masculinity; and Eve brought the loving, tender, beautiful side of God's image. The two coincide and cannot be broken apart. After the Fall, mankind has been attacked. Men deal with many insecurities-- if they are strong, able, willing, if they have what it takes; Women deal with many insecurities-- if they are worth the fight, good enough, seen as beautiful. And for women, that is what is attacked so heavily. That lingering question in the back of our minds-- Am I good enough? Am I worth pursuing? Am I beautiful?


And what else is attacked that is deemed beautiful? Creation. There have been devasting natural disasters that have totally destroyed beauty. It is heavily under attack. It was said in the Bible that Lucifer was the most glorious, beautiful angels God had. But his pride in himself instilled a power trip, and well, we all know how that turned out. And to think, God created women as that beautiful side of him-- isn't it obvious WHY our beauty is so under attack? Satan hates that we are a reflection of God-- HIS beauty-- that he will do whatever it takes to destroy it and feed us with lies.


I feel like I have been living in a circus room of distorted mirrors. I see this very distorted vision of myself, which makes me look to the other mirror of how people view me, then it makes me look at how I should be through everyone else's distorted mirrors. I've been dealing with the lies for far too long.

I have seemed to lose sight of the mirror that God sees me through. . . that he sees others through, too.

We need to start shattering some of those other mirrors and the lies they give us, and focus on God's miror instead.

Because guess what? God defines you.

And that is the truth that will set us free.


I just wanted to share and be open with everyone who might read this. It's a hard thing to be vulnerable and truthful; it's much easier to put on a smile and say, "everything is great!"

My friend Cameron told me something like this: "look at how God sees you; ask him to show you the way he sees you, what he thinks about you... stop worrying about what everyone else thinks."

Coming to the point of loving yourself is where you'll truly see what God sees. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Stop believing the lies that are fed to you. LOVE yourself, love your neighbors as yourself. God is love. You can't possibly love God in absolute entirety when you hate yourself.


I wish my thoughts were a little more conclusive, but this will do for now.

If I keep shadowing my garden, my flowers with never grow... my beauty will never be seen. So here's to continuing to peel back the layers of dark clouds that have been keeping me from seeing my own worth, my own purpose. And just being beautiful.





:And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.: -[John 8:32]




Tuesday, June 14, 2011

don't get me down.

I'm sitting here listening to Owl City's new CD, "All Things Bright & Beautiful," and it really is quite as the title explains. I like how this CD is a little bit more real and heartfelt, I feel. I'm not sure if their are any "outstanding" songs; I think they're all good; maybe a couple stick out to me... but it's just a good CD, anyhow. =]


I looked over a couple other notes I wrote on FB [like the one below]; and it has been a few months since I have written something related to poetry. Perhaps I just haven't felt very inspired. I haven't physically wrote in my journal, either. I'm not sure what is up with me. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Sometimes I just feel sad. Sometimes I just feel unnoticed, unworthy, unneeded.

you pose your questions like bombs in the sky, slowly they fall and there's no time to run and hide. your words are poison, they sting me with beautiful covered lies.

That's how I feel like sometimes. I feel like it's so easy for me to be attacked, or be brought down, defeated. I'm not sure how I can rise up, and GO for things. I feel so scared, so uncalled. I hate feeling like this. I don't want another four years to pass me by, and still be in the same place. It looks pathetic, or maybe I just feel pathetic.

And honestly, I wish I didn't care as I do... or have a heart that feels so much. Sometimes, I feel as though I wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to use [some for good, some for bad]; and I am just drained. I need balance some how.
I think about how some people hurt my feelings and are malicious-- perhaps not even to my face.

Two things have happened recently- the most recent: I was in conversation with a "friend acquaintance," and in mid-convo, he told me he felt he should apologize... for how he acted a year or so ago. Taken aback, I asked for what? And he responded that he felt he was really short/rude to me when he'd see me... and I thought for a second, and all I came up with was a joke to cover the sting- "oh I always knew you didn't like me.. ha ha." He said, no that's not it... I like you; I guess I was just being cocky... I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" I said yes, but then I thought... really? Does that mean he felt he was too good to talk to me? I guess another insecurity surfaced... to which I have with the male gender--
that I'm not good enough; I'm not worth talking to. I'm not worth their time...

The other incident happened after my birthday; a girl said something really horrible to me on facebook-- and how I'm the most self-centered, conceited person she has EVER met; that I post photos to make people comment and say I'm pretty; and that I draw attention to myself on purpose, and that I need to grow up.

I was so hurt by this, and it made me cry. It was like that horrible insecurity I have been fighting for years came back and bit me in the rear. I couldn't believe someone could be that mean. I can't say I am NEVER EVER unkind [I really try not to be, but we all fail], but this was just plain hurtful. She doesn't even know me. That is not my heart. THAT IS NOT MY HEART!
It was like she took a knife to it and said "screw you and your heart. you don't matter. your feelings don't matter. I could care less."
And that's what hurts. To know someone could care LESS about my feelings, when I try so hard to make sure everyone is pleased, that everyone is okay, that people who are hurting become comforted.
And yet, in this person's hurt -or whatever her problem was/is towards me- she decided to use poison in her words to hurt me. She decided it was better to be "hateful" [or probably truthful in her blinding mind's eye] to tell me like it is... no matter what.

And you know what was ironic? I've been guilty of this too. And that stung as I realized it after it all.
I haven't always been kind with my words.
I haven't always been there for my friends.
I have talked bad about people,
I have spoken unkind words behind someone's back.
I have sinned in many ways.
So what makes her better than me?

Nothing, really.


And it made me see how I need to be more like Jesus. Would Jesus act like that girl? No. Would Jesus think it was alright for me to speak badly about her to get back at her? Absolutely not... even when I'm like, "BUT didn't you see what she said to me?!!? She hurt me! She doesn't even know me! You know that isn't me, Jesus... you know me!"
And you know what I'd think he might say?
"That's right, I do know you. And that's all that matters... And you know what else that matters? You living your life the best you can, with my mind's eye. Don't lose sight of what you're trying to find; you're already something... just let yourself shine because I'm looking at you."


Lord, help me be more like you. In my speech, in my walk, in my thoughts. In everything.

November 16, 2010.

Little Sparks Fan Into Flames

by Lauren Watsizzle on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 5:12am


[Written to: Jónsi- Sinking Friendships]

The static puzzled through the other side

Nothing was heard.

The picture you waited for

Was painted in the night sky

As the crushed blue drank up the reds, yellows and violet hues.

The stars began to dance in the midnight sky

As we quietly wandered into winter's air

It came like a thief in the night

Pushing us closer into each other's arms.

You held me close as I watched you breathe

The natural reaction of seeing you be.

The earth was centered by the whites of your eyes

As the gray in mine was sparkling by their design

Your eyes never looked so pure in my view.

Is this all a dream that I'm falling into?

I see you breathe in and breathe out

A smile so innocent

So pure in sheer delight

Pale lips discover the warmth of your soul

The crevasses embark on a journey through the night

Your hands intertwined with mine

I've never been so satisfied being alive.

I carefully thumb my fingers through your hair

Counting the threads that are so evenly declared.

Little sparks that fan into flames

Sets ablaze the fire of a patient heart

I never thought I'd feel the way I do about you.

The sinking friendships, we drown them all

In the whimsical plight of love

But to discover someone as winsome

Someone strong and true

The captivating look which changed my view.

A quiet heart when words are few

The intricate touch from a soul

So magnetic, so electric

You became the beautiful dream I fell into.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

paper heart





I often think of my heart like a piece of paper.
It gets tattered and worn, scribbled upon, stained, tainted.
But every day,
I get to start over.


My nieces and nephew are so precious to me. How can you not love them [with the card above]?


It burns my paper heart.



There is something interesting about letting go and moving on...
Even though my heart
seems to always be taped to his,
I'm finding myself slowly tearing it away.

Maybe my paper heart is also very thin and fickle.
But there's something wonderful about new beginnings.
The way they stare right back at you with wonder.
"Who are you? What do you love? What is your passion?"

It just so happens that starting over can be so beautiful.

Here's to hoping that this time around, it will be different.
It feels different.

Here's my heart... guard it while I let it discover something new and wonderful.