I'm going to start off with a pure, credulous statement:
I am not beautiful.
Truth be told, it is a lie that has shadowed my existence as a woman my whole life...
It all seems "too good to be true," that someone like myself, could be seen as beautiful. How could this be when all that was rooted in my heart was self-hate? For so long, I have looked to the mirror to define who I was, who I should be, or who I wished I could be. It never occurred to me that the reflection I saw was only a cloudy distortion of who I truly am:
An image-bearer of God.
Staring at that statement made me feel completely wrecked, but in a good way. The initial factor began to weigh on me, though. How have I come to the point of hating what God made-- me? In reality, I was hating his very image when self-hate came into play. Boy, does that ever kick you in the gut.
But then the thought occurred to me; how is it that I have conformed my view of myself based upon something so ludicrous? Where are these feelings coming from? I'm made in the image of God-- the tenderness, love, beauty, gentleness-- that reflects his heart, how could I view him as beautiful, but not myself?
What a startling realization that was pressed upon me as a woman.
Men and women are made very differently; yet, they both bring two extremely opposite, but essential elements together by being formed in the image of God. In the most generic sense, Adam brought strength, stability, masculinity; and Eve brought the loving, tender, beautiful side of God's image. The two coincide and cannot be broken apart. After the Fall, mankind has been attacked. Men deal with many insecurities-- if they are strong, able, willing, if they have what it takes; Women deal with many insecurities-- if they are worth the fight, good enough, seen as beautiful. And for women, that is what is attacked so heavily. That lingering question in the back of our minds-- Am I good enough? Am I worth pursuing? Am I beautiful?
And what else is attacked that is deemed beautiful? Creation. There have been devasting natural disasters that have totally destroyed beauty. It is heavily under attack. It was said in the Bible that Lucifer was the most glorious, beautiful angels God had. But his pride in himself instilled a power trip, and well, we all know how that turned out. And to think, God created women as that beautiful side of him-- isn't it obvious WHY our beauty is so under attack? Satan hates that we are a reflection of God-- HIS beauty-- that he will do whatever it takes to destroy it and feed us with lies.
I feel like I have been living in a circus room of distorted mirrors. I see this very distorted vision of myself, which makes me look to the other mirror of how people view me, then it makes me look at how I should be through everyone else's distorted mirrors. I've been dealing with the lies for far too long.
I have seemed to lose sight of the mirror that God sees me through. . . that he sees others through, too.
We need to start shattering some of those other mirrors and the lies they give us, and focus on God's miror instead.
Because guess what? God defines you.
And that is the truth that will set us free.
I just wanted to share and be open with everyone who might read this. It's a hard thing to be vulnerable and truthful; it's much easier to put on a smile and say, "everything is great!"
My friend Cameron told me something like this: "look at how God sees you; ask him to show you the way he sees you, what he thinks about you... stop worrying about what everyone else thinks."
Coming to the point of loving yourself is where you'll truly see what God sees. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Stop believing the lies that are fed to you. LOVE yourself, love your neighbors as yourself. God is love. You can't possibly love God in absolute entirety when you hate yourself.
I wish my thoughts were a little more conclusive, but this will do for now.
If I keep shadowing my garden, my flowers with never grow... my beauty will never be seen. So here's to continuing to peel back the layers of dark clouds that have been keeping me from seeing my own worth, my own purpose. And just being beautiful.
:And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.: -[John 8:32]
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