I looked over a couple other notes I wrote on FB [like the one below]; and it has been a few months since I have written something related to poetry. Perhaps I just haven't felt very inspired. I haven't physically wrote in my journal, either. I'm not sure what is up with me. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Sometimes I just feel sad. Sometimes I just feel unnoticed, unworthy, unneeded.
you pose your questions like bombs in the sky, slowly they fall and there's no time to run and hide. your words are poison, they sting me with beautiful covered lies.
That's how I feel like sometimes. I feel like it's so easy for me to be attacked, or be brought down, defeated. I'm not sure how I can rise up, and GO for things. I feel so scared, so uncalled. I hate feeling like this. I don't want another four years to pass me by, and still be in the same place. It looks pathetic, or maybe I just feel pathetic.
And honestly, I wish I didn't care as I do... or have a heart that feels so much. Sometimes, I feel as though I wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to use [some for good, some for bad]; and I am just drained. I need balance some how.
I think about how some people hurt my feelings and are malicious-- perhaps not even to my face.
Two things have happened recently- the most recent: I was in conversation with a "friend acquaintance," and in mid-convo, he told me he felt he should apologize... for how he acted a year or so ago. Taken aback, I asked for what? And he responded that he felt he was really short/rude to me when he'd see me... and I thought for a second, and all I came up with was a joke to cover the sting- "oh I always knew you didn't like me.. ha ha." He said, no that's not it... I like you; I guess I was just being cocky... I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" I said yes, but then I thought... really? Does that mean he felt he was too good to talk to me? I guess another insecurity surfaced... to which I have with the male gender--
that I'm not good enough; I'm not worth talking to. I'm not worth their time...
The other incident happened after my birthday; a girl said something really horrible to me on facebook-- and how I'm the most self-centered, conceited person she has EVER met; that I post photos to make people comment and say I'm pretty; and that I draw attention to myself on purpose, and that I need to grow up.
I was so hurt by this, and it made me cry. It was like that horrible insecurity I have been fighting for years came back and bit me in the rear. I couldn't believe someone could be that mean. I can't say I am NEVER EVER unkind [I really try not to be, but we all fail], but this was just plain hurtful. She doesn't even know me. That is not my heart. THAT IS NOT MY HEART!
It was like she took a knife to it and said "screw you and your heart. you don't matter. your feelings don't matter. I could care less."
And that's what hurts. To know someone could care LESS about my feelings, when I try so hard to make sure everyone is pleased, that everyone is okay, that people who are hurting become comforted.
And yet, in this person's hurt -or whatever her problem was/is towards me- she decided to use poison in her words to hurt me. She decided it was better to be "hateful" [or probably truthful in her blinding mind's eye] to tell me like it is... no matter what.
And you know what was ironic? I've been guilty of this too. And that stung as I realized it after it all.
I haven't always been kind with my words.
I haven't always been there for my friends.
I have talked bad about people,
I have spoken unkind words behind someone's back.
I have sinned in many ways.
So what makes her better than me?
Nothing, really.
And it made me see how I need to be more like Jesus. Would Jesus act like that girl? No. Would Jesus think it was alright for me to speak badly about her to get back at her? Absolutely not... even when I'm like, "BUT didn't you see what she said to me?!!? She hurt me! She doesn't even know me! You know that isn't me, Jesus... you know me!"
And you know what I'd think he might say?
"That's right, I do know you. And that's all that matters... And you know what else that matters? You living your life the best you can, with my mind's eye. Don't lose sight of what you're trying to find; you're already something... just let yourself shine because I'm looking at you."
Lord, help me be more like you. In my speech, in my walk, in my thoughts. In everything.
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