To the pessimist in me.

I should be asleep.

The room next to me, once occupied by my older brother, now inhabits two sleeping silly girls- my twin nieces.

Last night, B crept into my cozy bed, while A was in the other room, fast asleep. B was listening to tunes I put on their brand new mp3 player [which my mom gave to them from something I bought on Black Friday], and she was like a little hummingbird. She turned to me and said, "we are like sisters," :giggle.

That warmed my heart. I realized that every opportunity I have with them, I can make it very happy and positive-- something that they will always remember -- a good memory.

So often, I dwell on the negative and short-comings. I keep thinking, "is this really my life? shouldn't I be doing this, or be here, or something - something- something else?"

But for whatever the reason, in my singleness I can either dwell on the negative, or forget that, and see things from a different perspective-- like my nieces.

If I were married, if I were living somewhere else, that bond wouldn't ever be there. I've got this grand opportunity to be something of a stable role model, someone they can look up to. I can enjoy them like if they were my own kids, just with the easy breaks. It really is maturing me. It's mothering my maternal instincts. They can learn from me, but by golly, am I ever learning from them, too.

So, to the pessimist in me, you get kicked to the curb this time.

I keep pondering a guy friend whom I have known for a few years. He was a bit younger when I first met him, but he still had that twinkle [for the lack of a better term], in his eye that caught my attention even then. I could tell he was immature at the time.

Fast forward a couple years, and that twinkle has turned into a full-blown glittering mass of stars bellowing in the dark sky. He stands out. He just shines Christ's love. I am so drawn to his presence; it's very strange. We have connected a couple times, and all I can do is mutter a few words... pretty pathetic! I'm just in awe of him and his heart and purity and commitment to the Lord.

My pondering led me to think of what I had considered "settling" for. Not that anything is going to happen with either situations, but you know, I like to think... so as to compare, it was like apples and oranges. I was considering that "this is the best I will ever have," because "I will never meet someone like him..."

BAM. Surprise!

I ended up stumbling upon old FB messages from a guy friend of mine. He wrote something in regards to feeling like the Lord told him a few things that I needed to hear. In a broad summary, he told me that I hadn't been asking God certain things because I didn't think he could actually do them, or wanted to do them. i.e.- give me the desires of my heart.

I suppose all along, I avoided asking God for something because I didn't think I deserved it. A lot of times, I don't feel I deserve a good, godly guy who loves God because I don't feel adequate enough. I wasn't allowing God to be enough in that situation to follow through.

Not like when we ask, we're going to get what we want; but God WANTS to give us our desires, I know he does!! I believe that now. And when I was in the mode of "well, he's OKAY/good enough to date," God said, nuh-uh... just let me weed them out. And I'd say... "whatever, I give up. don't even bother. I'm fine being single... I don't need anyone..." even though it is a huge desire on my heart....

So the most recent guy I had a "crush" on [I say this very loosely], I had to keep secrets from a lot of my good friends and parents, because I knew they'd never approve & would say I could do better. But I wanted to see him with these rose-colored lenses, that hey, "he's showing interest in me, so that's okay, right?" Hmmm...

Then when my guy friend reappeared into my life, wow. I felt like God was waving his hand around, pointing at this guy, to say like "look here! look here! this guy knows what's up & he knows my heart & he's living the right/pure way for Me. I know you've always wanted this, and this is what I want to give you... if you'd let me & trust me & believe that you deserve it..."

I started weeping when I read my friends message, because that is exactly what I felt. I prayed that night to the Lord that my heart's desire would some day come true- - maybe not with my reappearing friend [but I sure wouldn't mind!], but someone with those redeeming, notable, noble, admiring, godly characteristics. He knows his identity in Christ, and that outshines far anything else!

I know what I want. I am praying for that to come true some day, because God wants to bless me with someone like that. And although I'm itching to be in that place in my life, there's things all around me that need my attention first... or maybe, my focus just needs to be a bit more clearer for me to see what it's all about. I don't really know to be honest.

But I can tell you one thing: if I'd end up with someone like my reappearing friend, wow. I would be utterly amazed and thankful and blessed... because God knows I never thought I deserved it.

But I do... we all do.

To the pessimist, optimism is on its way to show you what's up.

The Office: Christmas Party

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD!!!

Ahhh, the first settling remnants of the white stuff: snow!

I'll admit, I was itching to see the first snow on the ground, since it is already 9 days into December. It was going to happen sooner, rather than later.

I primped myself and got those "watsizzlin' curls", as my friend Becca & Lauren refer my locks as... and put on a black sequin embroidered skirt & top, and threw on my sequin trim sweater...

there is a theme here... yes, I like sequin-y things.

Anyway, I got all snazzy because my friend Matt invited me to his Christmas work party. I traveled on my way out 45 minutes to his humble abode, and there we ventured off on the slippery roads to pick up his co-worker and head to Macatawa Legends. It was a beautifully decorated building, all decked out in Christmas decor. We proceeded inside and downstairs to this blue & white snowy themed banquet room. At each table, there were centerpieces with vases wrapped in sparkly ribbon and filled with yummy Hershey's kisses; and peeking out the top was some blue & white tissue with glittery vines & a crystal snowflake. Pretty.

The food was very delish. For starters, there were pita chips & asiago cheese dip, and then flavorful stuff mushrooms. Yum. There was an electric blue punch, and blueberries scattered about in the drink. The main course consisted of a salad with yummy dried cranberries and leafy sorts & tomatoes; following a buffet style of mixed green veggies with carrots, beans, asparagus, zucchini... and the best mashed potatoes I have EVER had, with a choice of beef, chicken, or salmon. I went with the safe bet- chicken. For dessert, I really wanted them all. haha. There was cheesecake, a brownie slathered in ice cream and strawberry sauce, or a 3-layered chocolate mousse. Knowing myself, I wanted the cheesecake. In fact, I wish I had chosen that, but alas, I'm always up for trying something different, so I went with the mousse. It was very sweet and good.

Well, 4 drinks later, I was thinking, "why did I even drink so much?" .....Free. FREE.

Though free can sometimes be bad in this case, haha.

Nah, I didn't drink them all. But after two drinks sinking in Malibu, well, things start getting a little fuzzy. =P Then I got a Mike's, and got poured a glass of red wine.... let's just say I dabbled in each drink.... and well, they were free? Did I mention that?

Anyway, I seriously felt like this was... or could have very well been, an episode of the Office.

There was a group of 30 or so at this party, and I guess that's the company. For me, I was thinking it was going to be much bigger, but I guess not. One of the employee's husband's was the "guest speaker," if you will, and let me tell you... we have found ourselves a new Michael Scott to replace him. This guy was blasting out the moronic jokes and bad-timing humor like nobody's business. I was laughing at some points just because no one else was & I was starting to feel bad for this guy, which I guess made it so funny to me... and well, I did have 4 drinks, so maybe it was just me.

There were names drawn out of a bag, and each employee got to pick from the plethora of gifts. Some picked out a Mr Coffee Maker, iPod shuffle, Leatherman, gift baskets, etc etc. I never really looked it over since I wasn't planning on being included in this... but surprise!! They drew my name right at the end. I was kind of shocked when I heard, "Lauren." haha. So I got up there and was handed a gift basket with things like chocolate and cookies [I think... I can never really

tell with gifty items in a basket]. If I would have been thinking, I should have snagged the iPod shuffle! You were able to "steal" once, and darn it, I didn't. But I also felt slightly weird doing that, since the couple's at our table were so nice, and the lady sitting next to me picked the Mr Coffee & her husband picked the iPod shuffle. Later Matt informed me that they were really well off, so not like they couldn't have bought one, or like, 50 of them, like it was nothing. Darn!

Michael Scott... or umm, whatever his name was... was in charge of the games, too. Oh boy, did this get pretty nutty. The games themselves were pretty funny, but at this point in the night [9:30p], half the people had left. So there was one game where there were 5 tall boxes with jingle bells in them, and you had to line them up by how many were in there [5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 35]. All you got to do was shake them. I decided to take a jab at the game, since they were giving out $10 gift cards to places... and there was an Applebee's one up for grabs, ha ha, and I love me some Applebee's! So since hardly no one was participating, "Michael" took out 2 of the boxes. After the clock started, I had a minute to figure them out and line them up accordingly. After careful consideration and rolling the jingles in the boxes, I put them in order and waited.... AH! I WON! haha. So I actually scored TWO $10 gift cards, the other being at Panera. Not bad, not bad!

By the end of the night [10:30p], there were like 8 people left. So everyone was cleaning up, and

oh, there was also a guessing game of how many kisses were in the centerpieces-- and if you guessed close enough, you won it. Well, lucky for me, their were name drawings for extra centerpieces, and I ended up drawing Matt's name- so he got to keep one- & the husband of one lady said he didn't want his [and she can't eat chocolate], so she took the balloons and crystal snowflake [boo!], but hey, I got a pretty vase filled with chocolate!

Also, they had a game using nice plastic martini glasses, and "Michael" gave them to me, along with a pretty metal tray, chapstick, CDS [Nutcracker, & a Blue Collar Christmas ha ha], AND

blueberry candy canes.

WOW.

So needless to say, I was filled to the brim with goodies, so I'd say it was worth the drive out there, haha. It was very fun, and I had a very fun "date," thanks to Matt.

We ended the night snapping a few photos, since we never took any there, and he looked at my ailing old Dell laptop.... [pretty sure it's on its last legs..... so I ordered a new one around Black Friday time. It's an HP, in SWEET PURPLE, and yeah, it seems pretty good! Just spent waaaaay too much though!] So we were both way tired, and I headed home. I think next week he may accompany me to my friend's Ugly Sweater/Mustache/Christmas party in Lowell, so that should be lots of fun.

Anyway, it was a very fun evening, and hopefully there will be many more in the near future!