To the pessimist in me.

I should be asleep.

The room next to me, once occupied by my older brother, now inhabits two sleeping silly girls- my twin nieces.

Last night, B crept into my cozy bed, while A was in the other room, fast asleep. B was listening to tunes I put on their brand new mp3 player [which my mom gave to them from something I bought on Black Friday], and she was like a little hummingbird. She turned to me and said, "we are like sisters," :giggle.

That warmed my heart. I realized that every opportunity I have with them, I can make it very happy and positive-- something that they will always remember -- a good memory.

So often, I dwell on the negative and short-comings. I keep thinking, "is this really my life? shouldn't I be doing this, or be here, or something - something- something else?"

But for whatever the reason, in my singleness I can either dwell on the negative, or forget that, and see things from a different perspective-- like my nieces.

If I were married, if I were living somewhere else, that bond wouldn't ever be there. I've got this grand opportunity to be something of a stable role model, someone they can look up to. I can enjoy them like if they were my own kids, just with the easy breaks. It really is maturing me. It's mothering my maternal instincts. They can learn from me, but by golly, am I ever learning from them, too.

So, to the pessimist in me, you get kicked to the curb this time.

I keep pondering a guy friend whom I have known for a few years. He was a bit younger when I first met him, but he still had that twinkle [for the lack of a better term], in his eye that caught my attention even then. I could tell he was immature at the time.

Fast forward a couple years, and that twinkle has turned into a full-blown glittering mass of stars bellowing in the dark sky. He stands out. He just shines Christ's love. I am so drawn to his presence; it's very strange. We have connected a couple times, and all I can do is mutter a few words... pretty pathetic! I'm just in awe of him and his heart and purity and commitment to the Lord.

My pondering led me to think of what I had considered "settling" for. Not that anything is going to happen with either situations, but you know, I like to think... so as to compare, it was like apples and oranges. I was considering that "this is the best I will ever have," because "I will never meet someone like him..."

BAM. Surprise!

I ended up stumbling upon old FB messages from a guy friend of mine. He wrote something in regards to feeling like the Lord told him a few things that I needed to hear. In a broad summary, he told me that I hadn't been asking God certain things because I didn't think he could actually do them, or wanted to do them. i.e.- give me the desires of my heart.

I suppose all along, I avoided asking God for something because I didn't think I deserved it. A lot of times, I don't feel I deserve a good, godly guy who loves God because I don't feel adequate enough. I wasn't allowing God to be enough in that situation to follow through.

Not like when we ask, we're going to get what we want; but God WANTS to give us our desires, I know he does!! I believe that now. And when I was in the mode of "well, he's OKAY/good enough to date," God said, nuh-uh... just let me weed them out. And I'd say... "whatever, I give up. don't even bother. I'm fine being single... I don't need anyone..." even though it is a huge desire on my heart....

So the most recent guy I had a "crush" on [I say this very loosely], I had to keep secrets from a lot of my good friends and parents, because I knew they'd never approve & would say I could do better. But I wanted to see him with these rose-colored lenses, that hey, "he's showing interest in me, so that's okay, right?" Hmmm...

Then when my guy friend reappeared into my life, wow. I felt like God was waving his hand around, pointing at this guy, to say like "look here! look here! this guy knows what's up & he knows my heart & he's living the right/pure way for Me. I know you've always wanted this, and this is what I want to give you... if you'd let me & trust me & believe that you deserve it..."

I started weeping when I read my friends message, because that is exactly what I felt. I prayed that night to the Lord that my heart's desire would some day come true- - maybe not with my reappearing friend [but I sure wouldn't mind!], but someone with those redeeming, notable, noble, admiring, godly characteristics. He knows his identity in Christ, and that outshines far anything else!

I know what I want. I am praying for that to come true some day, because God wants to bless me with someone like that. And although I'm itching to be in that place in my life, there's things all around me that need my attention first... or maybe, my focus just needs to be a bit more clearer for me to see what it's all about. I don't really know to be honest.

But I can tell you one thing: if I'd end up with someone like my reappearing friend, wow. I would be utterly amazed and thankful and blessed... because God knows I never thought I deserved it.

But I do... we all do.

To the pessimist, optimism is on its way to show you what's up.