Pardon me...

My life right now really reflects this passage in the Bible:

Song of Solomon 3 :1-3

1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"


I am at a total loss for words, yet again.

Though, I don't know if it should become as such a surprise now.
It's almost expected.
What's worse?

And I wonder why I even care in some regards. I mean, I am peacefully and wonderfully in a good spot-- then something happens.
I see something...
Unexpected.

It waters that little seed and it grows.
It wants so badly to bloom beautiful flowers and perfume its sweet aroma.
But it receives a severe swift wind -- stunning it's growth and beauty.
It is left to wilt and die without ever showing what could have been.

That has been my heart status for as long as I can remember.

I don't understand why my flower can't grow; why it can't blossom into something worth picking and cherishing.
I just don't understand why I'm left to die, like I never mattered one bit to you; like you never even gave me a second glance.
I put my heart out there.
I think it's ready for the journey.

I guess I don't know anymore.
I guess I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I don't know where I'm going.
I guess no one has seen the one my heart loves.
Where is he God?
I certainly do not know where he is.