divine.appointment

...If today was my very last day...

My heart is heavy right now with many things.

I don't understand how or why.

I just don't have peace in my heart.

I wonder how God feels. I wonder how much hurt I have put him through by doing what I want, and not what was best for me.

If the angst in my heart is a minimal fraction of how he feels, I just don't know how I'd live.

A friend lost a brother,

and my heart feels the pain,

I can't do anything,

But pray.

My heart thrives on helping,

And all I can do is pray?

It feels like nothing,

But it is everything,

More than I could ever imagine.

Leaning on trust,

Pure trust and understanding,

That it's not my Will,

But God's...

He is forever in control

He has a specific purpose for all of us

And some of us have a divine appointment before we know...

This was our very last day.

So what am I doing with my time?

Am I doing everything to bring Him glory?

Am I tired of doing the same routine,

Am I forgetful and thankful all at the same time?

How blessed am I,

To be where I am,

To live where I do,

To have a family like this,

It can all be over just like that...

And I set countless hours filled with worry

Losing chances to spread your name...

Maybe my heart not only feels extremely burdened by someone else's loss, but by the loss of my own time here on earth & what I've done with it. Why him and not me? What more is there that I have to do before it's my time? Maybe the very nature of my angst runs deeper than I realize. Someone affected my heart that I didn't even know. How can that be? I feel their pain, their sorrow, their loss. And I only knew his name.

The deeper I go, the deeper I fall, the deeper I feel, the deeper I love, the deeper I heal.

It's real.

All in the name of my Lord.

God used someone I didn't know to change my life. The tears pour out by the simple, yet profound feeling I am going through. I cannot fathom a loss like that-- I just don't know how I can-- I am feeling this so greatly, & I only feel a fraction of their pain. But my heart is changing by this. My mind will not stop thinking about it.

Is it only me?

It can't be.

God speaks when we listen with open hearts.

This much I know is true...

My GOD is mighty to save-

So take me as You find me

All my fears and my failures, Lord

Fill my life again with your perfect Love

I live to follow only You

Everything I believe in

I give to You, my life for You.

...Try as I may, I seem to always end up with my heart on a string, slowly floating away from me... Maybe my heart just has that Cinderella dream, as it keeps on floating, waiting to be caught & never let go of... It all seems like a dream that I'll never know... Still, You tell me it's okay, that it's not far away, You always make a way... I will trust in Your unfailing love, this is what I have to bring...

I wish I didn't worry so much about what tomorrow can bring. I pray that God seals my heart from these kinds of discontent feelings-- I hope when I see something new. It is my true Cinderella dream here on earth. I want to be whisked away by my Prince Charming, like every other woman. And then I remember the Judge's daughter-- who was unnamed-- who never married. All of her earthly dreams were broken that day when her father, home from war, promised her as a sacrifice to the Lord. What kind of sacrifice? I guess we'll never quite know. But a sacrifice no less... she was innocent and pure. She never got to enjoy getting married, having children, having grandchildren. Passing on a legecy.

That is a type of death to a woman. The death of a dream. But she did not waiver in her faith-- No, she went to the mountains and cried out to the Lord-- she spent time with Him. In her sorrows, she did not give up hope. She lived and died all the same. Her heart was for God, and she was blessed by her dedication.

So what am I? Can I fully give up my dream? Have I been doing that? -I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that in my waiting period, I have been doing what I need to do to further my heart deeper into the Lord-- to rely only on HIS LOVE. To know that he wants and desires all of who I am. I think we all have to mourn a bit of that dream, to fully love God the way we were meant to.

Maybe I'll never see that earthly Cinderella dream play out... maybe my time is just a short whisper away from ending. Should you mourn for me? Should I mourn with God? Yes. But blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [Matthew 5:4].

The Lord can and will bless me during this time of singleness. I only want the best of what He has for me... so why can't I wait? Why is waiting so hard to do? Why must my heart flutter when I receive attention from a godly guy who isn't the right one? Why do I even worry?

Why?

There's so much more to life than this...

I'm seeing things more clearly.

My heart still hurts for you. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. I just can't stop my mind from feeling this.

I'm so sorry.

God listens. He hears you.

He hears me too.