dream a little dream for me.

‎"You wrote me postcards that were undeclared, of the summer love that we shared. didn't know what it really meant til we were on our knees, praying for another way. maybe that's all what is left of us, some old memories collecting dust. but what I need and what I want, is all of you forever now."

I'm seeing that the majority of what I write about is centered on discovering things about myself, or the adventure of romance-not-quite-there-yet. I have a feeling it bores most, but nevertheless, this is my heart...and I am wondering why it is all consumed with finding love.

I keep stumbling upon posts of bloggers/tumblrs that are focused on love. These writers also have it out for their heart- -to write upon a vast subject as love.

What does it mean to love? How do we love?

I came to realize something about myself recently. I really didn't think that I was worth it. Maybe that's not news to me, but something I buried away under ratty things, only to wonder about that pile I tried to avoid. I picked it up, looked it over... just to have my heart tell me that "why do you keep settling for unloving, stale, relationships? why do you intend on hurting yourself in the process, when you knew it wasn't right to begin with? why why why!?"

I don't really have an answer to that, except: I'm not good enough for anything great.

I stared at that sentence for awhile... I mean, really stared. I was comparing this to why I end up 'falling' for certain guys. I keep thinking that I've just struck ponds of ineligible, stupid boys time and time again. When it struck me, that I unknowingly, have been swimming in familiar waters because that's all I'm comfortable in... that pond over there is much more clear, prettier, but I don't think I'm good enough to swim in it, let alone, be looking for it.

Am I stupid? No. Perhaps some would beg to differ. But I have been doing this with things in life too- career, friends, you name it. I've been so careless, in a sense, to just keep swimming around and around in the same place, because what if I do venture out into the unknown waters of something better?? What if I do find something great? Will I be good enough?

I had this moment the other night where I was pursued, but not in the way I wanted to be. The moment shocked me, because it had been so long since this has happened: to feel wanted/close to a boy. It wasn't anything bad at all, it was very innocent. But that moment awoke something that I had kept asleep for so long... the need to be desired/wanted. I had shut that idea down, because I've just felt it was better to hide it rather than to express it. To me, it seemed weak. In the moment, I prayed... I told God "is this a joke?! what is he doing?!.... Where did this come from? This is exactly what I want... please don't let it go away."

It's almost ironic how He times things. This guy isn't someone for me at all, but He used him to show me my heart and what I've been hiding.

When I went to sleep, I prayed for my heart... something I haven't done in a very long time. I asked God to show me what is there, and to protect my dreams. I have been bombarded with dreams of my house being burnt down; sometimes barely escaping the flames. Usually, the picture of your house represents the place of your heart/being. Have I been setting fire to my heart, wanting to not get out alive?

My dream couldn't have been more real. There are bits and pieces that don't make sense, but that goes with any dream. There were jewels involved... hidden in an outside freezer. I discovered them with my friend Lauren- - which could be ironic, since we have the same name. Maybe we both are hiding our jewels so people don't see all that we possess.
The dream continued. I found myself scrubbing the floors of my parents garage [Cinderella??], and this guy who looked like Jack on the ABC show, "Revenge," showed up. He said he needed to fix some cars and rebuild the engines. He said it was going to take him quite awhile to do, so he was going to be around. We became friends, and I realized how easy it was to talk to him about life. There was something really special about this guy, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

One night, we were sitting there by the back door, just talking. It must have been summer, since I was sitting with a towel/swim-suit on. He noticed my upper thigh birth mark, and then a blemish next to it. [Why is there a blemish?] It embarrassed me. He looked at me and said, "it doesn't matter. It just means you're human." And I said to him, "so you aren't grossed out?" And his reply was, "I wouldn't want someone any other way but imperfect. It shows me that you're real and not just my imagination. Besides, you're beautiful."

I don't know what happened just there, but it made me see things so differently than what I'm used to.

He looked at me and I could see he was different. I wasn't ever really nervous or scared or had to wonder what he was thinking, because he always had a way of sharing his thoughts and putting my mind at ease. We talked for awhile longer, and then he said his time was finished... working on the cars, that is. He told me he would keep in touch, but he had to go. I didn't want to see him leave. But he kept sending me postcard after postcard. Eventually, he signed it with Love. [I want to say the name said "Dan," but I can't remember and I don't think that is really important]. But the thing was, at the end of my dream; I was looking over all the postcards, and I never replied back to him. I knew in my heart I wasn't good enough for someone so wonderful, so I didn't do a thing.

I was sitting in a grassy field, and with a girl friend. I showed her the postcards, and she asked me why I never replied. "He obviously loves you and never has stopped loving you... why didn't you do anything about it?! Are you crazy? A love like that is rare." I began to replay all the moments in my mind, asking myself the same question. "How could you be so blind?"

In that moment, he walked by. I looked up and I couldn't believe what I just saw. He slowly walked over to me...

"What are you doing here?!" I asked.

"I see you got all my postcards..."

"Yeah...I'm... sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't write you back... I wanted to... but... I don't know."

"I think you do know. You know I love you. Why can't you just believe it?"

I had to stop and think. Why couldn't I just believe? ..."Because I'm not good enough for you..."

"Haha. I'm sorry, what? I tried showing you in sooooo many ways, that you ARE good enough. I never wanted you to doubt that for a second. I understand though, I do. I told you... your imperfections make you real. Your scars are like mine..."

"What do you mean?"

"Some day you'll understand. I promise. Just remember that I will always love you... I'll be showing you ever day that you are worth it. But you need to see it on your own... and I know one day you will.... and I'll be here waiting for you."

"Wait, don't go... please. . . please don't leave me."
"I have to. You have my postcards to remember what is real. This is real. And I love you."

I suddenly woke up. I replayed the moments. I started to cry. I'm still tearing up as I type this out.

The guy just wasn't a guy... it was God. He knows what is deep within my heart. He knows how to stir my emotions to get me to see through certain circumstances and people. He wants me to know I am worth it... I am good enough. I have wrestled with this for so long. It's been holding me back from something real... something that I've always wanted...

Perfect Love casts out all fear.

"And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."