glow. :: .soul

Do you see my light shining?
Do you see a difference in me?
Do you see Jesus inside of me?

Is it real? Am I real?


I want so much of me to be glowing with radiance for His glory.
...but I fall so short of that.
I want to show others His love & compassion in every day life.
...but I fail to always show mercy.
I want to be everything and more for You.
...but don't even come close.

I just want to be worthy of love
I want to show you beauty that is inside
Sometimes I wish I were someone other than me
But you say "who you are is quite enough... you are worthy of love... you are beautiful."

My desire is you. pursuing you. knowing you. stealing your heart.


I am not who I was. He has renewed me.
I will fall many times, but He is always there to pick me up.
He has redeemed me. "Here I am" I call out to you.

use me. for Your glory.


I don't know where that will lead me, but You know...

Indescribable

I need to make mental notes from time to time here... trying to decipher what is in my heart. What is really real and what is just a desired dream. Sometimes I think I know what I want... but do I really? Maybe it is a false doubt that creeps up behind me to grab a hold of me to speak wrongs when I know it's right. Yes... I think so. I know what I want-- relationally, but anything else, I don't really know. What is God's purpose for me? Will we ever really figure it out? Maybe it's more simple than what we make it out to be. We are to show love & be love-- we are to extend out our hand to those in need-- we are to be a light for others, to shine His light. Sometimes I think I know what that really means, then sometimes my thoughts and feelings over-cloud my judgment. Life is simple but beautifully designed for each one of us.

So that brings me to my next thought. I feel so compelled to reach out for God's hand and for Him to never let go of it. Almost like a man so in love with me... he knows everything about me! He knows what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my desires are,.... he knows everything! WOW! It's so hard to comprehend, but so wonderful at the same time. This is everything I want. He longs for me. He sees me as beautiful. He put a passion in my heart & soul... I am trying to make sense of it all and what it means... I'm getting closer to the truth... to where YOU want me to be. A verse that I love is Isaiah 44:22, which says
"I have swept your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." How exciting is that??? VERY!
My heart is finding rest. I long for this, and I long for another. I don't really know why my heart must feel so strongly about someone. I try to figure out if my heart really feels what my mind says it does. Or vice-versa. I don't need a distraction. I see something in him that is rare... or am I just making it more appealing because I want it? I'm not sure. I want that same kind of passion to be towards God. I want that love to be so giddy and free! I think I'm getting closer to that. I know God isn't a feeling nor is life. My heart smiles more now than it did before. It's like I know I've captured this man, and He has captured me too. It's like this fresh new beginning down in my heart. A NEW me. A better me. I am going forward, I'm not looking back. There is love ahead of me.
I don't know what to do about the other part of my heart that longs for a man. But I finally understand what it means when they say that "a woman's heart must be so close to God's, that a man has to seek Him to find her." So true. That is the best kind of love out there. Why settle for anything less than what God wants for you? I've given my heart out freely so many times, that I've often settled for less than what I know God wanted for me. And it was all because my desire clouded my vision. I was just giving in so I could feel something like love, because I didn't know where else to get it from. Sure I receive it from family and friends, but we were created for more than that... it will always be a longing for us. Now, knowing about this longing and desire... what will we do about it? I could throw myself out there to a bunch of different guys... hoping one would take notice and pursue me... but in the back of my mind saying "maybe I could do better." Maybe? Not maybe, but yes! I wouldn't think that way if I knew I had something good & real with a guy. I don't believe I'd be second-guessing myself like that. I've second guessed about guys my whole life-- well, from the time I started liking them. So easily we throw our pearls to pigs, ladies. And not to say all guys are pigs, but a lot are... and we are precious like pearls... why allow these pigs to trample over our precious selves? Why throw ourselves out there to guys who don't deserve us? I hear time and time again to guard my heart. Hmm, what does that really mean? I think that means to keep your heart hidden in the Lord, and when our hearts are ready for another, the Lord will provide a way for a man to look to Him and see our hearts for the beauty that they behold. HE is trying to protect us because he is jealous over us... he loves us so much; He doesn't want to see us throw ourselves foolishly to a mere boy who cannot comprehend its beauty. We are so lovely, so precious to Him. He knows our desires... He knows mine. He knows yours. He knows exactly what I want. But what does He want? He wants my heart, first.

The cool thing about life is how God brings people into it right when you need them. I can think of a few good men that possess some great qualities that I look for in someone. I can see Christ living in them, and I see them pursuing a real, genuine relationship with Him. And THEY are "giddy" about it too! I love these guys so much. They are so strong. There is something that radiates outwardly from them all. It just made me realize how these guys were placed in my life for a reason (just like my friend's who are women). But it is different. I'll be bold here (what I am good at, ha) and announce how I could see myself with these guys. And I mean that as, they are the kind of guys I would love to love. If nothing happens with any of them romantically, then I'll be all the more glad I was able to experience the love of deep friendship -- because some people don't ever get to experience true, genuine love like that. I admire them very much. I respect them. I see so many good qualities in them. I just see their hearts and what they are made of... and that is what really matters. It is something to strive to save my heart for. It may not be what I had imagined, but it is what I need. God knows. He knows so well. I will trust even when it's hard. They have influenced me so much. For that I will be forever grateful. They are an answer to prayer.

Exploring Depressive Feelings: Part 3

Overcoming Depressive Thoughts & Feelings in Yourself

1. Avoid as many causes of depressive feelings as you can.
2. Develop a proper view of God & Self.
1. Job 9:17-18 --Not an accurate view of God.
2. Exodus 4:10-12
   
3. James 4:133-17 --Incorrect view of ourselves.
4. We start as a love of God-- he rejoices over us.
   
3. Let go of depression as an identity marker.
1. Some people have a natural tendency towards depression --it can become a part of your identity.
1. "Fade into nothingness"
2. I Corinthians 6:9-11
   
2. God does not view you as a depressed person-- It must not be viewed that way.
   
4. Psalm 42: 5, 11 & 43:5
1. We can look to ourselves, circumstances, or God... If you look at the first two, you will focus on depressive thoughts.
2. God is the same today as he always has been.
3. Hebrews 12:2-3~ "Lose heart."
4. Hebrews 12:5-6~ "Finding hope."
   
5. Seek projects of substance and stick with them.
1. Look what you have done & don't fall into routine that lacks substance.
6. Spend time in the worshiping assembly (church) and with others who have the gift of encouragement.
1. Psalm 43:3-4
   
7. Patiently Endure.
1. Psalm 40:1-3a
2. When God is good and ready he will come fill us with song.
3. When your in a battle, sometimes we have to endure and stand our ground and not give up faith-- Don't give ground when you are suffering-- That is the victory.

Helping Others Overcoming Depressive Thoughts & Feelings

1. Two Examples:
1. John 11:32-44
1. Jesus was deeply moved.
2. Jesus corrects a falsehood in Martha. "Do you believe your brother will rise?" Jesus can rise Lazarus. So Jesus corrects the false belief.
3. As Jesus prayed, he helped people in their unbelief--> How to enter into someone's pain-- help them see God in the situation.
   
2. I Kings 19:1-18
1. Addresses Elijah's needs.
2. God gives him an experience in his presence. God gives Elijah meaningful tasks. God poured into his life; Elijah speaks truth into others.
   
3. God corrects his misunderstanding.
   
2. Key Verses:
1. 2 Corinthians 7:6-7
1. God comforts the downcast.
2. We have to help the discouraged.
   
2. I Thessalonians 5:14b
1. Help encourage.
2. It is our job to be loving and caring, but it is not our responsibility to how it is carried out at the end of the day.
   
3. Galatians 6
1. You are not to blame-- Ultimately it is their (the depressed person's) responsibility.
   
3. Love
1. To communicate that they have value and worth...
   
2. Sacrificial love~ When you give something up for another.
   
4. Spirit
1. Create an environment where the internal is lifted-- the Spirit rules.
2. If you are creating an environment of rules & expectations, then depression will be there.
   
5. Truth
1. It is connected to lying (depression).
2. Psalm 43:3~ Great combat is truth.
6. Security
1. Depressive people feel they are an inconvenience.
   
2. As long as they are not committing sins, then you can provide security.
3. Galatians 1:1 ~He is there because God placed him there--God put you in the position to help them feel security.
   
7. Significance
1. Show people the power of their position; that they have value and worth.
2. You are the result of the choices that you make-- That communicates that you have power-- Which shows value.
   
8. Hope
1. Something to hope for.
1. "It's not always going to be like this."
   
2. It must not be false hope-- Hope deferred causes depression.
3. There is a spiritual battle and we are caught in it-- At the end of the day, God is our hope.
4. God is dependable.
5. Things happen to mold and shape us to be more like Christ.
6. Romans 15:13 --The God of hope can fill us with the Holy Spirit, which fills us with peace.
   

Exploring Depressive Feelings Pt. 1 & 2

Recently, there have been a couple sermons from my pastor at church which have been on Depression and the feelings resulting from it. I decided to put a compilation together of the notes I have taken on this subject matter.

Part One:

1. Where do depressive feelings come from?
1. Physical causes-- deficiencies
   
2. Lack of parental love-- approval
1. Col 3:23-- Father's do not embitter your children or they will become disheartened.
   
2. Embitter-- to neglect.
   
3. Sin
4. Stress
1. 2 Corinthians has a lot of depression/ darkness/ loss or death
   
5. Failure/ Defeat/ Disaster
6. Legalism
7. Hope-deferred
1. Why are depressive feelings so rampant in our culture?

Part Two: Covering Romans

1. Trusting solely in God.
1. There is truth there, BUT it is too simplistic when concerning depression
2. Are we trusting ourselves or God?
1. It is an issue of identity.---> Romans 6, 7, 8
3. We are designed to experience unconditional love.
1. When sin entered, our identity became marred.
   
2. What is our life like?
1. Romans 6:3-4~ That we may have a new kind of life~ Sin destroyed our relationship with God--the unconditional love we strive for in earthly relationships.
2. v.6~ Our old person.
3. v.9-10~ Oriented towards God--we are new people.
4. v.11~ Problem is that it's not always true in practice. When we view ourselves through God's eyes, we will be able to succumb the depressive feelings.
1. It is when we have our identity right with Christ, that our depressive feelings will greatly diminish.
   
2. God provides that unconditional love we strive for when we open our hearts to His love.
   
3. Looking past the depression.
   
1. Romans 7
2. What it looks like when you don't look at it in light of depression.
   
4. Expectations??
1. Romans 8
2. Not being in a performance based identity.
3. Not living up to expectations-- in God there is acceptance.
4. Death cuts at our identity.
5. Viewing yourself as God views you-- there would be no room for depression or depressive thoughts.
   
5. ANALOGIES:
1. A wilting plant:
   
1. It survives from an underground stream-- feeding off from it-- despite the sun's harmful, harsh rays. It still survives.
2. Now, if it didn't have the underground stream & only got the water source from someone spraying water on it, then it will become DEPENDENT on it.
   
3. So when we have God [the underground stream], the depressive rays are NOT as affective--you have that source [God] to draw from...
4. --> Otherwise if you do not have God, you can't survive.
5. --> The person needs God: the unconditional love source that humans cannot provide or give.
   
6. People need that verbal affirmation once they receive it from someone--then they become needy & clingy & long for that affirmation in an unhealthy way.
7. They need more of it...
   
1. The initial "squirt" of water [the affirmation & love].
1. "Why won't you love me unconditionally?"
2. The depressive person wants you to fulfill that unconditional love, which you cannot, because only God can fulfill such a void...
3. The depressive person will flick from new friend to new friend-- in hopes to fill that void, because they cannot get the total affirmation 24/7 from a person.
4. The depressive person stops receiving it [affirmation] so they go to someone new.
5. We are dependent on affirmation from people-- but there is no substance there.
6. Nothing to point back to-- Unless you have that underground source [God] to turn to.
   
2. Slots:
1. You have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. slots-- a gradient of relationships. For example... Parents in slot 1, Work in slot 2, friendships in slot 3, romance in slot 4, etc.
   
1. You don't get affirmation in one of the slots-- so we feel the pain of the open slot in another slot... [1 into 2].
2. You won't get the affirmation if a slot is empty.
3. We spend time trying to get it filled.
4. Being that kind of person is someone who doesn't understand their relationship with Christ-- God can fill those empty slots.
5. We have to allow God to do that-- (Putting the work slot into the parental slot that our parents were supposed to fill).
6. God has enough love to fill!
7. You have the decision to Look up to God, or you can decide to keep looking down and continue filling your depressive feelings & thoughts.
1. People have a faulty view of who God is.
2. Nothing can separate us from God's love-- We can deal with these discouraging feelings.

I thought it was very interesting how much this rang true-- most of us DO look to affirmation from others, whether it be family members, friends, or just mere acquaintances. We want to be lifted up and complimented. But it goes much farther than that with people who are struggling with depressive thoughts.
In a way, you give them an inch and they'll go a mile. This comes to a point to where the non-depressive person gets worn out and tired from trying to affirm & bring them up out of their depressive mode.
Therefore, they more or less "give up" on them because they are NOT the ones who can help them-- Only God can fulfill their affirmation desires and the love that they are looking for-- no human can fulfill that.
The problem lies where the depressive person thinks that another person can be their "god" so to speak. They become needy & clingy and want unconditional love and support from this person. They continually go to this person for support, ultimately draining their friend and longing for more and more. The friend, not being able to provide the unconditional love, has to let go and collect themselves from their outpouring of support.
In doing so, the depressive person just latches onto another person, and jumps from relationship/friendship over and over... continually seeking affirmation... not realizing that what they are longing for will NEVER be fulfilled by any HUMAN; they will only be fulfilled and HEALED when they turn to THE LORD for His unconditional love.
*And the big point is... If you KNOW GOD, you should not have to latch onto people that way. God's love IS enough. Of course it's not easy... BUT, if you continue to act the way you are, then what does that say?
*It says that you are not trusting God... you don't believe His love is enough....

So what are you believing in?

cool breeze

Well well... what to say?

My Junior year of college has been completed. It has definitely gone by faster than I imagined. It's really kind of crazy, because I can't remember much from the beginning of the year!
I have made some close friends, and I met a few new people. I don't know. I still feel as though I don't really know too many people... and I'm already going on my Senior year! I guess it's not horrible, but yet, in a sense I feel that I am unconnected at school. I suppose it's my own fault, but sometimes I feel as though people at school get into their own "cliques" and don't feel like making any more friends, so they could care less if they are friendly to you, or care if they are your friend. Maybe it's just my perception of things, but that's how I see it.
I mean, I'm a nice person... but just pretty quiet. It's definitely sometimes harder to make friends, but I seem to manage to make them anyway. So, if you ever see me... please say hi! I mean, I love making new friends... even guy friends. They really can be so helpful in growing. I've met a few guys who are just a light... they are so on fire for God... and having them in my life is a true blessing. I just love making friends with them. I guess they possess this strength and perserverance that I look for in someone I'd want to date... not necessarily that I'd date these guys, but still... it's so refreshing to see guys have goals and passions... and really want to follow God's path. It's really encouraging just to have them in my life. Some day I hope I can find a nice guy like that... who encourages me with my walk... and someone who in a sense, is a strength in my life... Every girl just wants to find a guy to be her hero...

Excerpt from "Captivating"... p.161

Jesus said, "Do not throw your pearls to pigs," (Matt. 7:6). By this we don't think he was calling some people pigs. He was saying "Look--be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who, at best, cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst, will trample on it." Consider your feminine heart and beauty your treasure, your pearls. A woman can test and see if a man is willing to move in a good direction by offering a taste of what is available with her if he does. She does not give everything in a moment. As God does, she allures and waits to see what he will do.

I'll write more later.... gotta go.

so many things on my mind

The world keeps changing. . . friends, family, school, environment... hmmm.

More and more, I realize how much I need to feed off of the Bible and its teachings. I should know a lot.. should I not? But in reality, I only know what I figured I needed at that time. I am far.. far from perfect. Sometimes I wonder how I am displayed to the rest of the world... to my family and friends... to even strangers.

Isn't it kind of bad when we automatically lock our doors [our house, car, etc] because we are afraid something bad might happen? Doesn't that say something of our world?

Do you think that in order to be able to fix the external things of the world like consumerism, that one must be in check with their own salvation and sins BEFORE they can actually take care of the rest of the world? What good is a man to the world if he cannot even help himself? Just a thought.
If it makes sense in some way... it's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.. but if the doctor [person of the world] is sick himself, what good can is he? SO the doctor must be healthy in regards to helping the rest of the sick [world]. Right?


I often wonder what life might have been like if I didn't believe in God--Jesus Christ-- and was living life in lust and debauchary. All I know is... people who used to live that way and found God... tell me that they regret their past.. their mistakes... and wish they were as "pure" as the ones who have found Christ before they could mess up their life.
And sometimes I think I have it bad.
There is no way I should be saying my life "sucks."
But we all have bad days.
We all want close relationships.
We all just want to be loved.

s e p a r a t e d.

may we gain patience in this time of waiting.

sunsets and broken rings

Yeah, maybe it's just me, but I really don't understand this site at all.... like, you can't see if people have updated [like xanga]...so, maybe it's just not for me... I thought I had to make one of these sites to comment people [but I didn't]. SO-- what do I need xanga, myspace, AND this site for??? the world may never know....

I wish I were just like... a wife/mom or something where I wouldn't have ever known about blogging...

yeah... or maybe not.

isn't it kind of a weird idea... being a wife/mom AND still blogging?? like... what do you write about???
"my kid just had the dirtiest diaper EVER! It reeked up to the high heavens!! I thought I was gonna keel over!!!!"

like, really?

By the time I get married [Lord willing!], I hope I'll be done with constant blogging and actually have a life...

haha, that is like an insult to everyone,... myself included.

Ok... so not much is going on anyway... Once I'll post this, I'll forget how I did post and search all over and use that non-helpful "Help" tool provided on here....

Uh... so I 'lost' my favorite [mostly cuz it's the sparkliest] ring... Somehow, it came out of my pocket of my vest as I got out of my car to hurry over to chapel [which was at the seminary]. Needless to say, I was checking my pockets while I was in my night class [photography]... and low and behold... it was GONE! In shock... I decided just to leave class to go look for it... Meh, who cares... I need to find my ring! I thought. Yup, I do in fact think...
So anyway... I'm so glad I did, but I was sad too, because I didn't bring my purse w/me [meaning I didn't have my license while driving... oops], AND I didn't have my camera!!! I saw the most GORGEOUS sunset ever.... man... I am so mad I didn't have my camera... it was like this deep orange sun.. then the top layer was a deep magenta... then a red-violet color... on top of that was the cloud line... amazing.
Maybe I was meant to see that sunset...
I just kind of stood there for a moment... realizing... how utterly small I really am compared to everything. Things like that just move me to words that I cannot describe... it was just... what I needed to see... I know it makes no sense at all... maybe it's my artistic soul.... and I must say... I am a deep person behind my dumb blonde exterior... sometimes I wish I presented that side of me more... I think people don't take me too seriously... maybe because I hardly ever act serious... but honestly... I'm not stupid. And sometimes I think people treat me like I have half a brain.
Anyway--
Ah, I hurried over to the seminary to look for my ring... I looked and looked... still no where to be found... I decided to go walk up towards the building, thinking... MAYBE it was there... [too bad I didn't park right close to the building]... anyway, I FOUND IT! Then I checked it out... and yes... realized... it got run over... :-( I counted 7 'crystals' were missing from it... a couple looked 'crushed.' The ring was from NY & CO, and I only paid like... $4.99 or something for it... so not a HUGE loss.. but still... that is still money gone... kinda sucks. But what can ya do? Maybe I'll try returning it... Ha!
Yea, I'm Dutch.