roots.

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." — C.S. Lewis

I really should not be blogging right now; instead I should be on my way to work; but the thoughts are itching and scratching at the surface...

I saw this quote from a friend, and I thought to myself...

"I have committed to myself in wanting what is best; God's best for my life. But it hadn't crossed my mind that it would have to be painful in the process."

Wow. How had that not crossed my mind?

Because right now... at times, it is so painful, and I wonder if the best really IS worth it... when, I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I look at this current situation of my heart... and yes, it has taken my breath away too many times, I lost track. But it was all for bringing out the best in me; making me better in the long run. And it was painful. But it birthed something new, something fully alive.

So... was it worth it?

Yes.

I can look back to where I used to be, and think... "Wow. Look how far I have come! Look how my heart has changed."

And with that I should be saying, "the pain was worth it." But I sometimes want to forget the pain and think it was nothing at all.

And what I'm dealing with at this moment, I think to myself... "This is so hard. What am I waiting for? Everyone keeps telling me to not wait around for it to happen... don't let something else pass you by... I don't know if it's even worth it..."

But even so, with my heart in pain, I say... "This is it. This is what I have been waiting for. But, it's not mine yet. I have to wait. And that hurts. It is painful. But I am hopeful. I don't have any idea why, but I am. Am I foolish? Only time will tell. But I don't think so. Why I feel so strongly is beyond my comprehension at this point. I just have faith. And because I want the best, this will be one of the most painful experiences--because of the wait. More and more waiting. Hoping. Trusting. And with that, I could get tremendously hurt. But I have a stronger relationship with God than ever before. HE has captured my heart once again. I know he won't let me fall. He loves me. Beyond anything. Beyond reason. He didn't promise this life to be easy. But he is good. He is wild. He wants what is best for me, and it's going to be painful to get where I need to be. It has already been so. But he knows the desires of my heart. He knows the path on which I take I want to glorify him. He knows that I long for a husband. He knows. And since I want the best he has... this isn't going to be easy. Another is involved. And if he isn't complying, well, I think it will be even harder. Even longer the wait. Should I give up? Do I look foolish? Maybe to most. But there's just something that I can't look away from. There's just something there. And, it is going to be painful to watch it walk away from me time and time again. To have to wait for him to notice me. To have him see something worth pursuing. Sometimes, you don't see something that is right there in front of you because you aren't even looking. I know in some way, what it feels like to be that jilted lover, like God is to us. It hurts. It's painful. But the reward will come in the end."

... I've planted the seed. It's growing roots. Soon enough, it will bloom. And the pain it went through won't look so bad through the beauty it will reveal.