“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10
Am I found beautiful? I asked myself tonight.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet. Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.
"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."
Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"
I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires. That looks good, I think... but is it good for me? Am I good enough? I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...
When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I was saying goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.
And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11
Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks. It questions, worries, wonders, hurts... and it doubts.
Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-
What does that mean for me?
To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.
I found Lily of the Valley under the word beauty. A Lily of the Valley are one of my favorite flowers, too. It is a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.
The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.
You find me this way, really?
To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.
What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?
Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.
I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.
Three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted what I wanted.
Because of my decisions, irreversable choices were made.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was too content playing in my mud puddles, that I didn't see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
A break-through.
He desires me. All of me. He desires you just the same.
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I started to talk to him again. He took every opportunity to show me his love. It's more than I deserved.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.
It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild what I broke.
He is my ultimate knight in shining armor, my Prince. He will do anything to protect me, to love me, to cherish me. He loves this sinner so much, that he died for ME.
*A Beauty Redeemed*
To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?
"And with His light, He will show you truth, and again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl."
Okay, let's be honest. Maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I don't understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
In my heart I know it's true.
It's just hard to hear it from people who can't relate to you anymore.
When I hear, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.
I wonder why am I still where I am.
I wonder why the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
I wonder why feelings aren't reciprocated.
I wonder... about a lot of things.
They have this greater journey I'm not on yet. Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what am I left with?
I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For a God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
Quit making it so complicated.
If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
I won't have to wait anymore for love,
Because the best I know is yet to come.
"Wait on me..."
"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..." -'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller
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