when silence is all you hear, or see.

When we think about it being silent, it tends to have a serious undertone-- and a lot of people cannot handle being quiet, or sitting in silence. I for one, relish in the tranquility that silence can bring;

But not in regards to seemingly unanswered prayers.

This past week has been a challenge for me to actually understand the meaning of silence. Strangely enough, it was exactly what was needed for me.

My heart tends to speak twice as much as it wants to listen. When I run out of things to "say" out loud, my mind begins to wander, my heart begins to flutter, and my emotions start running around in circles, constantly panting and breathing loudly as to drown out the silence all around me.

I think in turn, I was afraid of what God might want to tell me. No, I know that's what it was.

But he really turned my eye to the root problem; or well, at least the surrounding surface of that root. My eyes can only see as much as they want to. I didn't want to think into things, but yet, what did I do? I over-analyzed, worried, and stressed myself out.

And for what?

Philippians 4 tells us to not be anxious about anything, but just to PRAY and ask. Present those requests to the Lord. He will answer in his timing... and maybe we won't always like what he has to say.

I think the part in there that I never focused on was to show gentleness. Sometimes I get caught up in my feelings and thinking my own way, I completely forget that I'm not alone in this, there are others feelings involved; have I be gentle about it, or have I just been thinking about how it's made me feel?

Guilty.

Right now I'm sitting in complete "silence"-- but even with that, I hear the running of my laptop, the clicking taps of the keyboard, and background noise from the expressway--all the cars/trucks passing by in the far distance. It's funny how much you can actually HEAR when you sit in silence, isn't it?

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to Nathan. He was a brother of a friend who was killed in a car accident back in June 09. I have had another vivid dream with him in it a few months ago, actually. But this time, he was hanging out with me and one of my best guy friends whom he was also friends with. I'm not sure how their friendship was, but it sounded like it was shaky at some point. But regardless, Nathan told me to stay close to him, to comfort him, to be there for him. He told me he liked us together. He smiled at us. And then he left....

I woke up feeling a strange sensation, knowing I had another dream with him in it. I honestly don't know why I keep thinking of him; except for the fact that it literally broke my heart to hear of his death [even though I only saw him once]. I could not stop crying and praying for everyone. Nothing like this has ever hit me so much. And I still am unsure why, despite the obvious of course.

I was just watching the movie "Remember Me," and at the end... tears came. My heart stopped when I saw what was happening. I can place myself exactly on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. And the end of this story was not a happy one, of course.... but for a moment, I could feel the pain of those who lost loved ones in a different light. My heart started breaking... all over again.

And then I thought of Nathan.

Here was a boy I never knew, and yet it broke my heart.

And then knowing that he left behind loved ones, a precious girlfriend who fell in love with his heart and his vision and his passions...

I still look at her and want to ask, "how do you go on every day?" I honestly don't know how.

Maybe that sounds quite melodramatic.

But I think of where I am, and to quite possibly have that type of deep friendship, love, for someone I care about greatly-- to see that taken from me at such a young age...

My heart weeps. It breaks. I just cannot imagine. And that is what hurts my heart. I look at her and wonder how she deals with it every day. I look at his parents and wonder how they do it... and his brothers.

And this movie, Remember Me- just shoved that more into my face. These were people who lost loved ones, just like my friend lost his brother.... just like his parents... his friends... his girlfriend.

I'm not sure why, but I really feel compelled to visit where he was buried. Perhaps that sounds very strange, but there is an urgency on my heart... yet I still don't know why.

When you come to a close, all you hear is silence.

And it truly can be so deafening.

But you learn. You move on.

You still have to live your life.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever." --Remember Me