unseen.beauty

I noticed something very interesting about myself lately. I don't think I would have looked at it quite this way if it wasn't for a few events popping up in my life.

Initially, you look at something and see the big picture. As you creep closer and closer into its depths, your vision gets a bit blurred and skewed. Now you're in the midst of something greater than you ever imagined, but how you perceive the situation isn't as what it was before. You only see the details out of the corner of your eye with a possible blind spot roaming in your heart. What does the blind spot say about you? What are you not seeing that you had before?

What I had not seen before is this: I am at this stage of life right now that I can do anything possible. God has allowed this time for me to grow, learn, strengthen, rely, pursue, relate, love, admire everything about who He is and everything about how He sees me & desires me completely. My heart has found a new song in His love, and it's absolutely the best feeling in the world.
I have traveled on this path for awhile through the valleys, in the deep wooded areas, following detours and different dead ends. But to finally come to a clearing, I find that the sky is a crystal blue, the birds are humming a sweet heavenly tune, and I am standing on the top of the mountain. I see the view and its breath-taking splendor. It's something to behold. It is exactly what God had me waiting to see...

To wait on Him.
So what does that mean to me?
What can I do while I wait?
I can serve Him, worship Him...
I can reach out to others,
I can do all things in His strength, understanding, peace.

I never looked at it this way. It always seemed like a burden I had to carry. The weight of a desire can bring you down. You're not quite sure how to get rid of it because you don't want to lose the desire. But, when you give it over and bury it, something beautiful can grow in its place. Something that was unseen...

I have had some confirming words spoken to me-- and how timely they were to my ears! Sometimes you feel like God doesn't hear you out-- But He does. Normally we've got our eyes and ears and hearts covered so we don't listen to what he has to say. And thankfully, God uses others to confirm His words. This girl I don't even really know spoke to me what she felt God had put on her heart for me to hear-- and previous to seeing her at my friend's house, I had been talking to God about this situation & just begging for an answer. When she told me, I knew it was from Him-- no doubts at all. He was listening to me earlier and he wanted me to hear it loud and clear! Isn't that so amazing? [Proverbs 15:23~"A man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!"]

What we think we want isn't always what we need. God knows our wants & desires. He also gives us what we need. And maybe right now He is simply working through me to make me something more like Him. He is calling me to wait on Him & use this time to advance His Kingdom and serve unselfishly. And to think, He can use me- - someone so tragically flawed- - But He finds me beautifully redeemed. He knows he can use someone so unqualified to do his work. All for His glory!


Thank You for opening my eyes to your beauty.




"Everything is made beautiful in its time." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

Currently listening: Do You Feel By The Rocket Summer Release date: 2007-07-17

whirlwind.of.realness

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10

Am I found beautiful? I asked myself tonight.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet. Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires. That looks good, I think... but is it good for me? Am I good enough? I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I was saying goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks. It questions, worries, wonders, hurts... and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-

What does that mean for me?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

I found Lily of the Valley under the word beauty. A Lily of the Valley are one of my favorite flowers, too. It is a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?

To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.

What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted what I wanted.
Because of my decisions, irreversable choices were made.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was too content playing in my mud puddles, that I didn't see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
A break-through.
He desires me. All of me. He desires you just the same.
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I started to talk to him again. He took every opportunity to show me his love. It's more than I deserved.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild what I broke.
He is my ultimate knight in shining armor, my Prince. He will do anything to protect me, to love me, to cherish me. He loves this sinner so much, that he died for ME.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

"And with His light, He will show you truth, and again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl."

Okay, let's be honest. Maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I don't understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
In my heart I know it's true.
It's just hard to hear it from people who can't relate to you anymore.
When I hear, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why am I still where I am.
I wonder why the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
I wonder why feelings aren't reciprocated.
I wonder... about a lot of things.
They have this greater journey I'm not on yet. Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what am I left with?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For a God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
Quit making it so complicated.

If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
I won't have to wait anymore for love,
Because the best I know is yet to come.

"Wait on me..."

"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..." -'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Everything Will Change

[Song I wrote]

I'm not comfortable that we never talk
And I miss you when you're next to me
It's a lonely place when you look me in the eyes
I was scared to see you any other way.

Your dark eyes always meet me in the street
In the middle of traffic lights
I try to send you a signal
But you don't read the signs
I wonder how much longer you can stay content within these lines
I've waited so long for this moment
Just to let it pass me by.

I'll run out in front of you
I won't wear any disguise
Maybe I need to spell it with the stars
As they explode and color the sky.

Should I circle around you in a plane
Or crash-land for you to find me instead?

Everything has changed
And I couldn't tell you why
I was left in the dark for so long
Until the door opened
And I all I saw was you.

Everything has changed
The sun is setting
I'll wait for you here
Until we meet again
Until you leave your plans
And open that door.

Everything will change
Everything will change.

discovering.you

"Without you, I'm a cold dark stone- shine on me, I have no light of my own- You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun- And I am the moon..." ~Sara Groves

My mind is filled with so many thoughts right now. Some calming, some anxious, and some that sadden my heart.

I've been thinking about how the Lord has brought me to this place in my life. I know if I'm given 24 more years of life here, that I will see things through different eyes. It's always in hindsight that we see the truth that was always apparent. Why we don't see look to see it, I'm not sure. I guess maybe it's because we don't want to let go of our plans, our dreams, our wants, our desires.

I've learned a thing or two about that. I was just skating on thin ice until it gave way, and I fought hard to reach the surface, but I gave up. I just let myself drown. I didn't want to reach out for grace's hand. I had to feel it in my own heart, and let healing come. I may have suffered a frozen heart for some time, but I was brought out of it by God's grace. He melted away all my hurts and desires; he peeled back the layers of my heart that I tried so hard to hide. He was the one who fixed my broken soul. I sat on the dirty floor, and he took me and made me clean. His light poured into my heart-- and I was changed.

I always heard people saying how much they had God's love. How much they could feel it.

I never could. I never did...

Until that day.

And now, a year later. Wow. It seems a lot longer than that. He worked out everything in his timing. It's really a beautiful thing. I'm trying not to take things for granted, especially those around me. I want so much to bring my heart to this world, to be open and honest, to love selflessly, to remain vulnerable, to carry each other's burdens.

There's so many ways to hide. There's so many ways not to feel what is real. But I'm here to say, that it's a sorry way to live-- and I did it for far too long. I was too content playing in the puddles when I had the whole ocean in my view. The sun overpowered my dark corners & I wanted to stay put, afraid to burn, afraid to be alive.

But I'm not afraid anymore.

God brought me out of my shell of a heart. And I'm going to burn out bright for the glory of God.

This Kingdom is coming... So what are we going to do about it until then?

"This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful..." ~'Add to the Beauty'- Sara Groves

divine.appointment

...If today was my very last day...

My heart is heavy right now with many things.

I don't understand how or why.

I just don't have peace in my heart.

I wonder how God feels. I wonder how much hurt I have put him through by doing what I want, and not what was best for me.

If the angst in my heart is a minimal fraction of how he feels, I just don't know how I'd live.

A friend lost a brother,

and my heart feels the pain,

I can't do anything,

But pray.

My heart thrives on helping,

And all I can do is pray?

It feels like nothing,

But it is everything,

More than I could ever imagine.

Leaning on trust,

Pure trust and understanding,

That it's not my Will,

But God's...

He is forever in control

He has a specific purpose for all of us

And some of us have a divine appointment before we know...

This was our very last day.

So what am I doing with my time?

Am I doing everything to bring Him glory?

Am I tired of doing the same routine,

Am I forgetful and thankful all at the same time?

How blessed am I,

To be where I am,

To live where I do,

To have a family like this,

It can all be over just like that...

And I set countless hours filled with worry

Losing chances to spread your name...

Maybe my heart not only feels extremely burdened by someone else's loss, but by the loss of my own time here on earth & what I've done with it. Why him and not me? What more is there that I have to do before it's my time? Maybe the very nature of my angst runs deeper than I realize. Someone affected my heart that I didn't even know. How can that be? I feel their pain, their sorrow, their loss. And I only knew his name.

The deeper I go, the deeper I fall, the deeper I feel, the deeper I love, the deeper I heal.

It's real.

All in the name of my Lord.

God used someone I didn't know to change my life. The tears pour out by the simple, yet profound feeling I am going through. I cannot fathom a loss like that-- I just don't know how I can-- I am feeling this so greatly, & I only feel a fraction of their pain. But my heart is changing by this. My mind will not stop thinking about it.

Is it only me?

It can't be.

God speaks when we listen with open hearts.

This much I know is true...

My GOD is mighty to save-

So take me as You find me

All my fears and my failures, Lord

Fill my life again with your perfect Love

I live to follow only You

Everything I believe in

I give to You, my life for You.

...Try as I may, I seem to always end up with my heart on a string, slowly floating away from me... Maybe my heart just has that Cinderella dream, as it keeps on floating, waiting to be caught & never let go of... It all seems like a dream that I'll never know... Still, You tell me it's okay, that it's not far away, You always make a way... I will trust in Your unfailing love, this is what I have to bring...

I wish I didn't worry so much about what tomorrow can bring. I pray that God seals my heart from these kinds of discontent feelings-- I hope when I see something new. It is my true Cinderella dream here on earth. I want to be whisked away by my Prince Charming, like every other woman. And then I remember the Judge's daughter-- who was unnamed-- who never married. All of her earthly dreams were broken that day when her father, home from war, promised her as a sacrifice to the Lord. What kind of sacrifice? I guess we'll never quite know. But a sacrifice no less... she was innocent and pure. She never got to enjoy getting married, having children, having grandchildren. Passing on a legecy.

That is a type of death to a woman. The death of a dream. But she did not waiver in her faith-- No, she went to the mountains and cried out to the Lord-- she spent time with Him. In her sorrows, she did not give up hope. She lived and died all the same. Her heart was for God, and she was blessed by her dedication.

So what am I? Can I fully give up my dream? Have I been doing that? -I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that in my waiting period, I have been doing what I need to do to further my heart deeper into the Lord-- to rely only on HIS LOVE. To know that he wants and desires all of who I am. I think we all have to mourn a bit of that dream, to fully love God the way we were meant to.

Maybe I'll never see that earthly Cinderella dream play out... maybe my time is just a short whisper away from ending. Should you mourn for me? Should I mourn with God? Yes. But blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [Matthew 5:4].

The Lord can and will bless me during this time of singleness. I only want the best of what He has for me... so why can't I wait? Why is waiting so hard to do? Why must my heart flutter when I receive attention from a godly guy who isn't the right one? Why do I even worry?

Why?

There's so much more to life than this...

I'm seeing things more clearly.

My heart still hurts for you. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. I just can't stop my mind from feeling this.

I'm so sorry.

God listens. He hears you.

He hears me too.

*poem

my heart is a vacant drive
won't you come find me here
drive down this empty road
with fallen tears
unmarked fears
windy storms
snowy trails
unspoken tales of a life born for greatness

And you take the road less traveled by
Following a maze of turns
A battered twist of discovery
You can't read the signs before you
But you travel on this road less traveled by
And that made all the difference

You find a disguise beyond these woods
A barren land filled with old fears
Raining down are my tears
You wonder what could cause so much pain
The wound of old lovers
The pain of these lies
Trapped you here in time.

Reach out, here I come
To a land far away
With a dream up the road
Fighting off the enemies of this one
You don't know why you're here
But you conquer her fears
You slay with one swift blow
And all of her old lovers lay below
Down in their graves to stay.

You pace up the path
A life uncertain discovered in this wrath
You hold on tight, never giving up
"This fight is one you'll never win"
But you ignore all that you hear
You have His strength near
Keep up, she's waiting.

One last test and here you are
Jump across, please don't fear
You look back one last time
"Is she really worth the fight?"
Shake off the feelings of inadequacy
Press on, you charge through the mess

You reach her door
You hold the key
It's for her heart
Swing wide the waves of emotions
That unmask your eyes
A vision of beauty
A sight to behold
She turns her head to face you
Wonder dances in her eyes
"You've come for me my hero,
I've been captive here for so long"
You take her hand and make her yours
"You are beautiful, inside and out,
This love was worth the fight."

ready.grow

• Currently Polarity By The Wedding THE LAST STAND see related

  
  
  
  Life is really okay right now... and I'm glad.
  
  Job hunting...
  
  Thinking of finally volunteering at the hospital...
  
  Just getting my butt into gear... I can't keep being this way.
  
  ...I realized I LOVE making CD mixes. I'm kind of obsessed. I'm so detailed... everything has to flow well... and it even has a certain message....
  
  And this is why I am still up!
  
  If you ever get a strong urge to say something to someone, do you actually do it?
  -I feel like I need to say something to this girl who I am friends with-- like a very strong encouragement urge.
  -I even made her a CD... because I feel like she needs to hear the message in the music.... I think she'll get it.
• Encouragement is always warranted, even if for some reason you feel "out of line." You know why I think we feel this way?? It's "someone" trying to hold us back in fear for saying what someone needs to hear. I honestly believe that. We pass many opportunities to be an impact on people-- myself included.
• I don't want to be the fear-stricken girl anymore. I want to be the bold, daring, courageous woman I am supposed to be! No matter what.
  

Bring on my life!


You know what is crazy ironic on peacefulness and content? Is that when you fully and courageously give your whole heart to our Lover, break our alabaster box at his feet, is when everything aligns. It may not be exactly what we hoped for, expected, or wanted-- but it is what is best! I am always seeing it this way.
*I see past "loves" I thought were right for me, ABSOLUTELY wrong for me in so many ways.
*I see that time can heal all wounds.
*I see that with every opportunity I am given, I can bring about change.
*I see that I can express my feelings in the smallest things... like music.
*I know in my heart that God has something special for me.
*I realize that my time here is short, and I don't want to leave here with regrets.
-I don't want people to miss me in the sense of missing-- but be joyful that my heart is now completely full and fixed and loved more than I could ever imagine.
-That my Savior is more than enough for me.
-That Heaven is the true destination for us ALL.
--*Truly, this life is meaningless but meaningful in what we make it out to be.

It's funny what hindsight brings us. It's even more real when we see others going through the EXACT pain that we went through. And you know what it made me realize? Maybe I went through it to show another person that they can get through it-- to be an ENCOURAGEMENT to them. People are so much more stronger when they know someone else has walked in their footsteps...

[[Let God love it away.]]

Pardon me...

My life right now really reflects this passage in the Bible:

Song of Solomon 3 :1-3

1 All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"


I am at a total loss for words, yet again.

Though, I don't know if it should become as such a surprise now.
It's almost expected.
What's worse?

And I wonder why I even care in some regards. I mean, I am peacefully and wonderfully in a good spot-- then something happens.
I see something...
Unexpected.

It waters that little seed and it grows.
It wants so badly to bloom beautiful flowers and perfume its sweet aroma.
But it receives a severe swift wind -- stunning it's growth and beauty.
It is left to wilt and die without ever showing what could have been.

That has been my heart status for as long as I can remember.

I don't understand why my flower can't grow; why it can't blossom into something worth picking and cherishing.
I just don't understand why I'm left to die, like I never mattered one bit to you; like you never even gave me a second glance.
I put my heart out there.
I think it's ready for the journey.

I guess I don't know anymore.
I guess I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I don't know where I'm going.
I guess no one has seen the one my heart loves.
Where is he God?
I certainly do not know where he is.

witty.remarks

Callin' it quits is no easy task, especially when it involves men who have extremely good facial hair, with dark features. Maybe that's why I like me a vanilla/chocolate twist with sprinkles.

I have a strange fascination with tall, dark, artsy men who can play guitar or sing. If they can play guitar, piano, AND sing, oh my... I might need a towel to wipe away my drool. Wow, that sounds really classy.
But seriously. What gives? If he doesn't have dark eyes or hair, I pull out my ballot from the pool. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm settling. And it's just looks! I was sitting with my seemingly ruggishly handsome good fellow of a friend the other night, as he vented to me his frustrations about life. I really had no good answer to his venting, because it confused the heck out of me. As I was attentively listening, he told me talk was cheap and if he wanted a listener, he'd talk to a wall. Not that I was offended in the least bit, because I talk to walls all the time and they never reply, so I guess he's not used to that yet.
But really he just wanted my feedback and sometimes I have nothing. I won't get into what we discussed, but I began to wonder why I keep such odd, attractive men as potentials. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I can't stop meeting guys who are a hot mess... and by that I mean, they're so good looking but they have quite a mess upstairs. I need a guy who is organized and smells good and who is crazy about me... not crazy in his head.

Maybe I am destined to be single for all time. I'm tempted to put up my bright neon pink sign that says CLOSED. I have been close to bankrupt by spilling myself out to these creepers and stealers of my heart, that I have nothing left but to eat all my emotions. haha, mmm, cheesecake sounds good right about now. That or some bar-b-que chips with a nice, tall, cold budwiserrrrrr....[[Harry Carey anyone? yea yea??? okay not so much & I have no idea what budwiser even tastes like.]]
Thus, to suffice, I am going to add to the thunder thighs and waddle down my friend's weddings in expensive dresses that I'll never wear again because what guy is going to take out a girl on THAT nice of a date? I mean, really? Plus, all I ever meet are guys who can't pay for me, or don't want to. "Well, it's a date and all, but I believe in the world of 2009, it's 50-50." And we all know the guys out there who roll around in their rusty cars with a side mirror missing, asking you out, perhaps paying but taking you to the drive-thru ordering you off the dollar menu. -Thank you, but if you want another date with me, you're going to have to step it up a notch...- not that I mind getting something from the dollar menu, because I am Dutch all the way, but really? Is that all I'm worth to you?
Or you know, there comes the seemingly nice guy, but ends up giving you the creepy-eyed stare because he's so mesmerized by you, or something like that...he pays and you politely smile while you're insides want to splurge out because you're torn with emotional turmoil wondering if you really have no other choices or potentials in the future, and all your dinner dates are going to be consisting of BK's Angry Whopper, because heck, you're a lot angry right now.

So... Add it to the "why I am going to be the bridesmaid & never the bride" list. haha. So I'm fed up. I really am. I think I'm quite the rare fish in the sea. I have a good sense of humor, and truth be told, most of this post isn't really all that serious. Go figure. Though you know, not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders w/looks to die for... haha, well I like to look & dress nice, & don't clutter my life with depressing thoughts [except posts that say I'm never going to get married, haha] and abnormal behavior. I can bust a move in some ways, have a killer sense of style [or I just think I do at times], I try to be as confident inside as I portray it to the outside, arts come second nature to me, I love children, I try my best to help those in need, I really do try to keep a healthy relationship with Jesus- he loves me a whoooole lot to die for me-; I am just me and nobody else. Isn't that something worth enough to pursue?Can my tall, dark and handsome, witty, sharp shooter come gallevanting into town, sweep me off my feet, and carry me away to some tropical, romantic get-a-way?
I'm afraid I'll have to settle on finding a man online whom I've never met & hope he's not creepy. And I really don't want to do that... again... haha.In all seriousness, I'm waiting... it's just hard to not know how long that has to be or if it will happen at all.

.hard.to.forget.

"I'm tired of wasting all my time
My heart is hanging on the line
Is it my heart or someone else?
Sitting on a shelf."


It's hard to forget your first love. There is a simplistic feeling of airy emotions that drifts around your head, enlightening your spirit with the sound of their voice. Your internal motions start to flutter in a rush to the finish line. Your senses are filled with an overwhelming sense of pure bliss. You long to hold on to this moment and bottle it up, because sometimes... it just won't last.

I've put my heart out on the line more than I wish I had- - but I've learned something about myself. I give until there's nothing left. It isn't about me anymore; and with giving purely, I have witnessed an unselfish pattern within myself that continues to get replenished over and over again so I can give love away, freely and with no strings attached.

I'd say there comes a time in everyone's lives to where they feel that they've fallen in love with "the one." I've never had the opportunity to feel this; a part of me sighs in relief from saving myself the potential heartbreak of a unrequited love, but another part of me aches for not knowing what it feels like...

Things have happened in my life within the last year that made me feel like that "finding the one" would happen. Excitedly the thoughts bounced around in my mind, praying for that some day to be some day really soon. Well, unfortunately moments in my life lasted less than a flicker, and a case of a love bi-polar was my last diagnosis. But you know, who needs someone that is hot and then cold? I certainly do not need someone like that who doesn't know what they want. [Thanks Katy Perry to your very catchy song lyrics.]

This is me, this is real, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm hoping to find the missing piece that I long to see. It's all around me; love. Friends & family whom are getting married to their sweethearts-- it's so beautiful to see two paths forming one-- something planned in such a timely manner that only God could design so perfectly in an imperfect world.

Isn't love beautiful in it's time?




:So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.
All the highs and lows are gone.
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
I’ll be fine...:

.just here.

..."I miss the way, the way you used to look at me and say, 'it's just you and me,' & I knew you meant it..."


And here I am, at the crossroads...-To look back, I had been stuck in this big hole I dug; content playing in the mud while the storms poured down. I didn't want to attempt to climb out to see what else was there, even when a ladder was provided. I didn't care what was out there; or maybe I did, I was just too scared to find out. Finally, God directed my attention out of the hole, and I climbed out to see this beautiful, colorful sunrise. It was a new day. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was then I knew God desired much more from me, and he desired my attention. A door that had been locked was wide open, and all I have to do now is to trust... and learn to let God be in control of everything, even when I don't understand. So here I am...

.poem: out of breath.

Out of breath,
closer to a dream,
I see you standing there
in between the seams
of dreams and reality.
You keep telling me I'm almost there,
well I don't know- it's so far away,
will I ever get there?

Out of breath,
I'm just holding on,
I hope I can make it.
Keep me near to You.

I hold onto these dreams of tales before
They keep whispering in the night
Love, oh love so divine
I wish you were mine,
Are you mine?
Please don't go...

Sometimes I hate to be awake
If it just means that I'm more alone than before
Telling tales of broken hearts
Shattered dreams
Meant for more than this,
Tell me it's true
Please tell me there's more to it than this...

Salvage this waste of a land
So barren of love that's real
Tainted with images of disgust
I'm so sick of this crippling reality
That rattles my dreams
I long for more,
I hope there's more than this.

Out of breath
Still holding on
Come close
I remember this,
So familiar
In my heart
This is ecstasy
Real love is this

Out of breath
Still I'm holding on
Waiting for the sun on the horizon
To come crashing down
This is real
Real love
The stuff dreams are made of.

Out of breath
I'm waiting for you
Still holding on
In and out and in between my dreams
This is real...

.love..away.

Your so sure that no one knows what your going through
I know exactly how you feel
Cause I see myself in you
What is broken
What's been stolen
Our Father will restore...


Faith.

I have been leaning on the meaning of this word more and more lately. What does it mean? I can't stop fighting the feeling.

Wounds

The only thing I know that is real is His Love.


I came close this afternoon
To take a chance
Spare a moment with you
My world is unraveling
I'm pulling away inside
Do you even care?
Would you stop your rambling
And just listen to me
Don't you see in my eyes
The hurt inside?
Do you even care?
Tell me you care...

You look good, you look just fine
But I'm wondering if it's only time
Before I see you steal another smile
From the girl across the room
Hurt me again, why don't you?
'Cuz all I see right now
Is nothing new
You're just the same...

A lying smile to steal my heart
You loved me, you said
And I believed every word
You're beautiful, you told me
And I thought you meant it
But you went and took a piece of me
You left me, a lily among the thorns...

Cried my last, tried to cover up the pain
Healed my heart with a weak disguise
But You, You came
A Prince amongst the thieves
I told You, "I can't take this anymore!
Aren't I worth so much more,
Than a stupid boy & his promises of broken words?"
And then You told me, "You're deserve better than what what he's got,
So hold on, I'll love it away."
You came to save, to save me,
From everything & more,
"Just wait on Me," You said,
"You're worth so much more..."

I heard everything You said
And I'm holding on,
Holding on to everything and more,
You tell me to keep on dreaming, to wait for everything and more
"You're beautiful, so beautiful,
A lily among thorns, someone worth fighting for..."

And I'm hanging onto every word You say
Because a boy's just a boy
But You came for me, to rescue
To steal away the thoughts of scorn
My heart is still weak, so
Hold it, protect it, keep it.
You're here with me always,
You know what is in my heart
And yet still I wait, but You know there's much more
Something yet in store...

And so I still hope for the one, that he'll see me
A heart worth seeking
Hidden so deep within You
Push past the pain, the scorn
That surrounds this beauty in thorns.

Will you come for me?
Will you steal my heart?
Will you go over the edge,
Brave the scorn, fight the danger?
Will you rescue a beauty,
A lily among thorns?



*~This is a declaration for me, for the other women out there- Hold on. Life can be a crazy train ride. We all go through the exhilaration and excitement on the twists and turns and new sightings. Life can be a beautiful ride; but it seems that beauty gets clouded and rained and stormed upon. Sometimes we feel like there's an open window we can't close, the brakes get cut, and we spin wildly out of control. We try to get fix it on our own, but it doesn't work and we mess it up even more...

But thankfully, He hears our cries and comes to rescue us & fixes our brokenness. He loves away all our hurt and disappointments. He heals the internal that keeps us going. When we cling to that, His love, that is what mends our hearts. We're able to see a different side of things. We're able to sit back on the ride, and let Him guide us the rest of the way. Why do we think we need to steer when we don't even know where we're going?

At this point in my life, I am able to look back & see all the disastrous, yet changing moments in my life. I wanted to steer all on my own; and I went on the wrong direction & had no brakes to stop myself. I crashed & burned. A part of me died- - but that is only a part of the good news. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to be able to say, "I NEED YOU!" We're too thick-skulled and stubborn to sit in the passenger seat and just enjoy the ride... even when that ride brings a storm that seems like it won't end...

I'm on this path that I hope leads me to something more than what I've been looking for. In fact, I know He'll put me there, because my trust is on Him this time. I don't need to do this on my own, and I can't anyway. It's no use to run away and do it alone...

You know what I want? To not settle. I've been settling my whole life...
I settle for weak passions, dreams, potentials, employment, life, love, hopes, and everything in between. What do I fight for? Why do I run away from everything I want?
I want to be pursued for who I am & what I have to offer. I want to be fight for, just the same. I want someone to see me as beautiful for my patience, kindness, compassion, loveliness; for a heart worth pursuing. To see me a lily amongst the thorns- - to cut away the danger and find a beauty within. Something to treasure, something to hold onto forever.
I want to extend love out to those who are hurting.
I want to be everything I need to be in this life.
I want to love selflessly.
I want to be as Christ-like as I can be.
It's not easy, nor is anything I think I need or want.
But He knows what we need.
He'll never let go of steering us right, when we hand over our lives...

So where are you going?
What are you holding onto?
You're worth everything and more...

So hold on...

justified.beauty

Is it safe to land? Am I coming in clear? I am getting tired of all this circling...


Set a course to spread your wings...
Are they mended or broken or just a little out of align?
You take a giant leap and soar above the deep waters below...
Will you fall or will you fly?

Some things are just meant to remain a mystery. A deep seeded distant dream. We try to manage a way to bring it closer to us, tainting the very innocent beauty that was meant to remain untouched.

Walking in the forest of our desires, we listen to the whispers of the wind, gently speaking a heavenly tune only our senses can understand.

A raindrop slowly falls upon my cheek. A downpour of shadows come falling all around me. I am drowning in a sea of flooded tears. Whose are they? Mine, yours and His. I don't quite understand the meaning, but they mean everything and more.

Silently a dream awakens my heart. A tear for everyone that was left behind. No one told me it would be this way, but everything happens for a reason. A tired weight remains within. A sense that I was meant for more than this. A wave tries to wash me away, but You are stronger than any storm. You uphold me and carry me ashore. I was once broken, but no more.

There are no words I can say. You make all things new. Even the barren lands of an empty heart. A justified beauty...

Beauty once broken on the floor.
Beauty once taken to your door.
Beauty circling around the thorns.
Beauty bleeding to my core.
Beauty that was empty.
Beauty that was torn.
Beauty that was beautiful no more.
But You came.
To save me,
because You made me.
The ends justified the means
Of a beauty all Yours.

.sensing.

"I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was..."

Well friends, dear ones who read my blog... here I am again...
Anyway, my fingers are tingly as I press gently on this keyboard. I bought myself a BRAND NEW guitar! And guess what? Ready for this? It's PINK! Oh yeah, oh yeah. Typical.But it's pretty sweet. Good things come to those who wait... 14 years of waiting, haha. Think of that... I could have been real good... real good. But maybe I'll never get the nack of it. I hope I do, because I much love writing songs & poetry & singing... Hmmm... love love.Here's to hoping!
I seriously want to be a rocker chick. How sweet would that be?I don't know what my deal is.Maybe it's that whole "finding my identity" thing.Not that I don't like who I am... but redefining something is more fun...
My nephew is adorable. Well, now I have two... Jordan- the strong-willed eldest of the family, and Jacob- the laid-back 2 month old. ;-) Well, they both are adorable, but I'm talking about my oldest nephew, Jordan. He's quite the wild one... he's definitely all boy... but he has his sweet side that loves to give me hugs and kisses. I just love that about him. And I think... "some day, some girl [Lord willing] will think he is just the greatest guy... so wild at heart, passionate, giving, smart, friendly, thoughtful...." I really hope & pray that he gets to that point in life, because life is hard, and that is a steep understatement. And I know that boys early on need to know that they have what it takes - that they are strong, courageous, brave, and worthy of the title of being a male...Just tonight, I was at his soccer game at school. He really has no idea what is going on, and it's really funny to be quite honest. He just tumbles on the ground, laughing... apparently enjoying himself. Who cares that there is a game going on, he's having more fun just goofing around. And what do I notice in the meantime? He is chasing girls around the field - but then these girls start pushing Jordan around [playfully, mind you], and I just think it's the funniest thing. I'm not sure if I should find this funny, but he seems to be having fun just being the goofy boy. I can tell right now he's going to have the ladies all after him, haha.
But you know what? Just noticing how young my nephew is, and what kind of a heart I can see in him now... I really hope his heart stays strong in the long run. After his game ended, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs, and I bended over for him to give me a kiss. He loves giving me kisses & hugs- - so do my twin nieces. And I say to him, "Good job tonight... hey let's get a picture together!" [classic Lauren, right?] So, he enthusiastically agrees. I get down on my knees, and we snap a few shots together. Cute, of course. ;-) And then I say "well, that's all!" And I almost got up, when he planted a kiss right on the top of my head, then ran over to the playground. I don't know what it was, but in that moment of thought, it dawned on me again, as it always does -as if it should surprise me- to think, "wow, he really loves & admires me." And in that thought, I felt my heart speaking to me... "what do you love about him & what do you see?" And I thought- ~I love everything there is about him. I admire who he is & who I hope he becomes from it.~ And then, something else struck my heart- "To see him grow up into a man of God and who bears his wild heart, his spirit, his passion, his strength; and keep his boyish charms... that's what I want for him. In fact, that's what I want too. A man like that. And a man who will love you and admire you for everything you are- in your weakness and in your strength- in your flaws and in your captivating beauty."Just wait. Hope. Keep loving.
I don't know. My heart is just changing. And God can use those little ones to influence me and help my heart see something that I wasn't looking for. And I can influence them and show them His love...
So what am I doing here sulking wondering when? why? how? who?I am truly thankful and forgetful all at the same time.I have so much.Why isn't it enough?Shape my heart - make me more like You.Help me never take for granted the endless gifts you give...

"It's beautiful... you can turn mistakes into miracles... the way You still love me afterall, It's beautiful."
Sometimes we have to walk through the rain & embrace the winds & walk straight out into the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end of the road....

"I believe you now, I've come too far. No I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known...

This is Home."

.everything.is.illuminated.

What is love?

Where does love exist?




Love is defined by a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Interesting, I thought. Do I love, then?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

But I believe it is even deeper than that definition. I think that there is something inherently sown into us that wants to keep seeking for more. But what do I define by that which I love?Family. Friendships. Watching little children play. Painting. Photographing. Drawing. Admiring Art. Sunrises & sunsets. Cloud formations. Stars. Rainbows. Listening to the wind. Feeling Fall air. Nostalgic smells. Cooking. Sporting events. Driving illegally fast. Picking flowers. Admiring architecture of the old & new. Walking down a path of history. Swimming. Sand beneath & in between my toes. Cozy blankets. Seeking adventure. Writing of all kinds. Reading. Love songs. Musical abilities of others. Music in general. Poetry. Making others laugh, smile, & be happy.
And more...
I love: To love.
I live: To love.

Only three of the things I wrote have to do with people specifically. So what other love would you say I am missing?
Romantic love?
Isn't it the case when someone asks you, "Have you ever been in love?" Your first thought is that of romantic love. Why is that kind of love at the forefront of our minds? I guess that is a mystery to me.

So, by the definition of love being romantic, have I loved? No, not even close.
So does that mean I don't know what love is?
Not at all.

So is that why we fear of never falling in love? But, hey wait a minute... Don't we already know what love truly is?

Guess what I was waiting for.
GOD.
God is Love.

Love by definition isn't about falling for another person; We don't need romantic love to tell us what we are supposedly missing. That's not even a fraction of it...
We are too content playing in the puddles when we have a whole ocean at our reach....

I had been playing wildly in the puddles for far too long.

Then I finally saw the beauty of the ocean in it's perfect splendor.
I ran out joyfully with my arms stretched wide,
To dive in deep,
Water rushing past my body,
Feeling real love for the first time.

I don't want to hold anything back now.
Everything I do, I want to do in a love that has been poured into me from a Father who LOVES infallibly.
...So am I missing anything?
Not by a long-shot.
You know why?
Everything else I love is a light that shines into my heart and comforts my soul.
Love can radiate into another's life just from us living and showing love.

We are given things in life to love, too; I'd like to say that they are gifts...
Love is a gift.
And I can only imagine what a rare gift it will be to be in love with another person in an utmost, mysterious way. And I know this love defined by romance here on earth will be a true blessing.
I know I'll treasure that gift forever. Until the end...

But in the meantime, why do we view love as if there is something missing? It's a gift that comes in all shapes and sizes, during different seasons, and has touched our lives in certain ways we may never understand.
So what is there to fear? What have we defined love to be? Love is found anywhere. Love can be anything.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."* I believe the same thing for love.




Love is seeking, breathing, being, seeing, touching. Love is alive.


Because God loved us first...Love is illuminated in everything.


*Ecclesiastes 3:11

.disapate.dream.

Was it all but a dream?
When we laid together
Hand-in-hand?
Is it over now?
I just can't begin to understand.
It happened so fast
It ended so slow
Was it all but a dream?
Would you tell me no?

.before.and.after.

It's always a mystery to me- - hindsight- - to look back on where one has been, and where they are now, and what superimposed change in their lives & hearts. I reflect back on the times I have often poked and prodded at the lack of adventure and spontaneity in my life, yet return to my roots of adventure and seeking to live my life the way it should be. Time is but a breath, so we better breathe it in... all of it.

Some of you know a lot about me, some of you just met me, and some of you think you know me- - but you really have no idea. And all of that is fine in and of itself. No one here on earth can fully know everything there is about someone else- - I don't think we even know or quite understand ourselves at times. With all this to say, I wanted to extend a hope of encouragement, perhaps a mere reflection of where I have been and how that has brought me up to this very point in my life.

I have grown dramatically since the beginning of this year. If you would have told me back in January that this is where my life was going to be, that all these changes were going to happen to me, I would have said, "yeah right."

This is taken back from an June 16, 2008 entry I wrote...
I am still learning & trying to process everything, but the fact of the matter is, I am stronger than I was before. I am a new person every time I begin a new journey. I am a new person with every circumstance that is found along the way.
--I have redefined my meaning. I have found purpose in a different way. I see things in a different light. I see that this time of singleness is a blessing, not a curse. I would have not met some awesome women if I had a boyfriend or was married. I would not have spent hours laughing & sharing hopes & dreams with them. On the other hand, I would have not met some really great guys that I could admire & get advice from & learn to develop needed friendships with men. I am going through all of this for a reason! I am still on a path of singleness because I am still learning. If I was married, I would not be able to experience it this way. Something changes when you get married. You lose a part of something special that we should cherish, not let tarnish because we are unsatisfied with our relationship status. Sure, it can get lonely. Of course a part of us hardens when we read, say, a wedding announcement that says "...and guest." Who are we kidding? Of course we wish it were us sending out the invite. But there is a reason why it is not. And there is a reason why I have only met men who are just friends. Even a man I really admire. Maybe God has shown me this man's heart for a reason... perhaps I was able to see for a brief moment, a genuine heart... a man after God's own heart... to know it's real & to know that some day it can be mine.

tired of mediocrity

Some of you are aware that I took a short journey, as I like to call it, to Kansas City, MO. This took place after much pursuing - - and realization in my heart that God wanted me to go. I really had no idea why, but I knew it was right. I never felt so much tug on my heart to do anything like this before. It was totally on faith.
I drove down with my friend Josh, and we finally arrived on August 9, 2008 at approximately 7:30am near the campus grounds of the International House of Prayer. I couldn't believe I had done it. I was about to encounter a great realization from the Lord, and He had been waiting for me.
I spent numerous hours in the Prayer Room - - which for those of you who don't know, it is a 24/7 place of worship and prayer. Throughout this time, I was able to soak in unspeakable words through prayer and meditation. I wrote quite a few poems in this time as well, and really focused on why I was there - - why God called me there. I can't recall what day it was in my week's time I spent there, but soon after, I realized I wasn't there necessarily for myself- - I was there to be used by God - - to extend out His love & goodness to others, to my friends.
What a wild encounter it was. I ended up writing a story/poem for Josh. He can tell you himself how it made him feel, how I touched into something that was so deep inside, and this all came because the Lord was speaking through me to show him something. How incredibly awesome that was for me, and I'm sure for my friends. That is something rare and beautiful.
I could write more and more about my time spent there. But simply put, God changed my heart.

I was sitting in my room, about a week or so after visiting there. I was reading a book that my friend Peter let me borrow. In it was a passage written about how we hold onto our burdens and hurts so closely, we let them define who we are. Grace isn't attractive to us because of that. We long to hold onto something familiar, that we hold onto things that are no good for us. We lock our hearts to the love God has. *ding* It was like a flood of realization came at me full-force, pushing me to the ground. I sat and stared & re-read it again and again. My emotions spilled out, pouring into my hands. "This has been me, for so long. I have locked the door to my heart away from you Lord, for so long... I always believed, but I never truly felt your love. My heart has been covering old wounds in bandages so tightly bound, suffocating the life out of me so I couldn't feel your loving powers heal me." I couldn't believe this is what it was... this is what it has been all along. The door to my heart has had many locks on it - - storing away my hurts so I could hold onto something real, something familiar. But praise God, he never gives up. He kept after me, working on me, calling to desire me, saying I am HIS called, His beloved that he wants. The key to those locks were slowly opening, in their own time. Finally, I was on the last lock. And THIS realization was the last lock, and He helped me open it, and the door to my heart swung wide open, shooting unspeakable amounts of love and light and wonder into my heart. The heart of loving God purely, innocently, and fully in every way possible.
I finally felt IN love with the Maker of my Soul.
I finally KNEW what it meant to be in love. To be in a real relationship with Him.
I am able to love fully because He loved me first.

It's my story up until this very moment of my existence. With all this to write, I want to say don't give up. Keep letting the Lord unlock the doors to your heart- - with all the stored up hurts you keep hidden, with all the pain you have buried deep down. He can & He will see you through. He will never leave you behind to fight it on your own. He's always there with us, you know. We are the ones who walk away from Him.

So where does this leave me now? Well, that is a great question. I think for me, it means to keep my heart close to God's, to keep seeking His will for my life. What does that mean for me? Well, I think for me... God has placed a deep desire to help others - - to be an expression of his love - - to see the depth of other's hearts - - and use it for His continuing glory, not for my own. I am a weak soul, but in his love I am made perfect.
You know what I want to be? I want to continually redefine what society says I'm supposed to be. I'm not here for myself, I'm not here to please others, I am here for another purpose. People can think I am crazy and "so out there," but that's their own fears and manipulating talk that has poisoned their hearts away from the Lord. I want to be that gentle and quiet spirit who loves the Lord. I want to exuberantly love in all aspects in my life. I want to show love in more ways than I can give. God is molding and shaping my heart into something greater than I can even imagine. His love is making me... I am a piece of art made in his image - - always being re-touched and erased- - continually being drawn back in when I've faded out - - always adding something to make me more unique than before. I won't be completed until the last stroke of the brush paints something beautiful. All in His timing. It is always perfect, even when I can't see what will be finished in the end.

So, for you women out there. I challenge you to be a gentle and quiet spirit. Find your worth in the Lord - - the one who knows your deepest desires. He longs for you, His beloved. He loves you just as you are. He desires to know you - - heart and soul. He wants to rescue you, he loves everything there is about you... He did make you, you know. Let him captivate you, let him ravish you; you are his beautiful bride, the pinnacle of creation. Let his love carry you.

And for the men. This is how I have become to see it. I think a guy who is after God's heart will be wild - - He will be so passionate about God that he will be a warrior for him, and will want to see justice and good served out in each thing. He will want to see God's glory shining in everything he comes in contact with. His motives towards others will be pure-- he will genuinely reach out to those who are seeking, and he will constantly be running to his life source-- His Maker. In times of trouble, God will be his support. In times of greatness, he will humble himself before His King and sing praises, for He is good. He will love unselfishly, always persevering to something greater than his own. He will be patient, always seeking God for truth. He will want the best for a woman, his partner in life. He will lead her and be her strength. He will protect her, respect her, and keep her pure. He will become a reflection of the One who made him. He will find hope in this love, and always love until the day he dies.

That is the women and men I see who lives in Christ.

So don't give up. Don't lose hope. He's coming... He's coming soon.
Until then...

.wake.up.O.sleeper.

August 9-16 will always hold a special place down in my heart.

There has been a significant change and I know it well. It feels like sun rays passing through my body, slowly melting all the darkness away, to purify my heart and to make it new.
The warm arms of love surround me, and everything is made beautiful once again.
Simple.
Beautiful.
Radiant.
It's Your Love in me.

And I'll always have You near, nothing can steal You away from me.
Never
Again.
It's simple, really.
Just believe,
Open your eyes,
Free fall into the unknown, that is known not by you, but by HIM.
I can't stop this electric pulse that is shocking me with every inch of my being.

~*Your beauty surrounds, your glory abounds, the wonders of your love*~

I had a dream. The dream had old dried up flowers in a vase. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the flowers turned and gave new life, and were a bright-colored orange that magnified the room-- a color I had never laid my eyes upon before.
To resemble kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain.
Perfection and spirituality.
To be an expression of love, joy and happiness. --That is what I bring...


~"Wake up, O Sleeper, rise from the dead, & Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14*

~"This is what we came here for, to behold and bless the LORD!" -Proverbs 4:15a

~"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction." -Proverbs 16:21


I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known...
*Switchfoot*

.change.

I am learning to breathe, I am learning to trust. I am only everything because of the ONE who delights in me, who loves me, who protects me, who fights for me, who finds me worthy & beautiful. A broken mess I have been. A perfect Love has washed me clean.For that, I am desired, I am His Beloved. There's an electric pulse that I can't escape...