unrequited.birthday

I really don't know who reads this, to be honest-- if anyone.

And that's okay.

I'm not sure why I keep feeling the way that I do.

Yesterday was my birthday. It started off with my dear friend Katie talking to me for over 3.5 hours on skype. It was so nice. She kept the affirmation coming. It was wonderful.

Then I got to skype with my friend Johnny & his sister Cherry in Thailand! So awesome. It was just really sweet that I got to talk to them.

Then some other people said stuff-- how they wish they could be here with me, all this stuff. It sucks since my friends live out of state, or else they have jobs that they have to work in the evening, too.

So I don't know, I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself; knowing that not a lot of people were going to wish me happy birthday... everyone resorts to Facebook. Or texting. And even though *I* do that too, I hate it. But even some of my friends didn't even say anything... I don't know, birthdays have always been really important to me, and when people don't say anything, it hurts my feelings. Maybe it's stupid. It's just a birthday, right?

And the one person I wish would have called me, didn't.

Well, it turned out being an alright evening. I went to dinner with my sister-in-law; and she was like, "you should have told me you wanted to do something today! I would have!" But instead, I felt sorry for myself, almost cried, and slept in a long time. I feel kind of stupid now thinking about it. I could have gone out and did something fun, or bugged more people to do something during the day. But there again, people have jobs. Well, I went out w/a friend later to hear our friend's acoustic show. Which was nice. She didn't even realize it was my birthday I guess, and wish she knew so she could have said something-- which her band mates knew, because one guy mouthed "happy birthday" to me. haha, so silly. But I hung out with them the rest of the night. The one guy used to like me, and we almost dated. I don't think he'll ever read this, but sometimes I think it would be fun to date him. Maybe just to have companionship. Though, I doubt that will actually happen between us. Our friends always tell me how cute together we'd be, but I know he doesn't have the same feelings he once had-- at least that's what he told me.

So I don't know. It was just a weird birthday. But I get to hang out with my family all weekend long and go visit my grandparents in WI, so it will be nice to just get away from everyone.

I still have feelings for someone. And I just don't know if I'll ever stop loving him.

I guess I have to welcome 26 with open arms...

I am thankful, I really am, for everything.

Life just doesn't make sense right now.

Maybe it never will.

This is just not what I pictured for myself at 26.

face up.

Lose the expectations.

Just live.

I'm finding myself further away than what I had expected, but closer than I ever imagined.

You're near, no matter where I go.

The funny part in life is this-- things change, feelings change, seasons change.

We can't stop it from happening.

We just have to keep our faces up, and remember.

There's always something better...

I'm not sure where I am going, I'm not sure what is ahead of me.

But everyone goes through this...

It's interesting how much has changed this year; somethings I never thought would happen, did; and some things I thought were coming, didn't.

And now I'm back to that old feeling.

It never really did go away, entirely...

It's in his eyes, that soul grabbing attention-- it feels like he is looking at me, and only me.

I have always wanted that enticement, that excitement.

But will he feel confident enough to go forward?

Will he think I'm worth fighting for?

Save me from myself.

unfading beauty

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 3:17

And it all comes down to this.

I wasn't prepared.

The funny thing about timing is that it never makes sense. The people you encounter, that never makes sense either.

But it always works out the way it was supposed to.

When we cry from the depths of our heart, to thinking we're not "good enough," & that what we store and cultivate in our hearts isn't worth anything, oh how the Lord cries for us. I know He does.

I have been tormenting my heart with lies and untruths.

For so long... and I believed every word.

I want to stop this. I hurt myself when I do it.

I literally cried out so much from the depths of my heart last week.

The prime ache radiated throughout, thinking that what I have going on, isn't worth anything.

What I've become isn't worth the hassle- - because no one even notices.

They completely overlook what I have to offer, and go for someone who by appearance standards, has me "beat."

How incredibly hurt that makes me.

I thought, who really cares what I have to offer, because apparently their appearance overshadows anything that could be seen within me.

And a girl I don't really know said I was on her mind all day long; she wasn't sure why... but she came across this verse:

1 Peter 3:4 -"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."

How did I lose sight of what was important?

I honestly don't know.

And that is what is most important. What God sees.

WHO cares what man thinks.

If that's the way it's going to be, then I have nothing left to say.

Because God sees my heart for what it is, what it is becoming, and what is in store.

And that is something no one can take from me, unless I let the lies dwell underneath to take it away.

I know my heart is good. Yes I fail so many times. But I want to keep that unfading beauty... that he redeemed.

Perhaps my gentle and quiet spirit is just that- it's quiet, it goes unnoticed to most.

But God- you see it. You always have.

And you always will.

it's just one of those days...

after.shock

I realized that you play some strange game.
You know how I feel, and perhaps that was wrong to be so honest.
I don't understand why you remind me of him,
And that kind of scared me.
Maybe I've been in denial for far too long,
Because I thought I saw something worth while.

I still don't know.
Why you make me feel the way you do.

After-all,

You're just a boy.

I need a man who is going to pursue my heart,

because I'm worth so much.

And more.

A Little Bit of Light

This was found in a devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I deem it quite appropriate in my life right about now.

April 1:
I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.
Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list [written or mental] become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.
[1 Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6]


April 2:
I have promised to meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Your deepest, most constant need is for My peace. I have planted Peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, unbelief. I am the Gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of those weeds. I do My work in various ways. When you sit quietly with me, I shine the Light of my Presence directly into your heart. In this heavenly Light, Peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. I also send trials into your life. When you trust Me in the midst of trouble, Peace flourishes and weeds die away. Thank Me for troublesome situations; the Peace they can produce far outweighs the trials you endure.
[Philippians 4:19--actually the WHOLE chapter is so good; 2 Corinthians 4:17]

You know what's interesting, too? I have written entries about the whole garden analogy; and it's so easy to let those "weeds" devour a beautiful garden. You end up not being able to see what is right in front of you. And therefore, you have to dig down deep to reveal what has always been there-- & with God's light, everything will shine and become apparent. It just takes time.
I want to make my garden a beautiful, peaceful place to reside in. I can picture it now... and I can't wait til it springs forth.

And I can't wait to see the same happen for you, too.

the truth hurts sometimes

"[Finding yourself] is like digging in a mine that has diamonds; you have to first go in deep to discover it; then you must keep at it to scratch the surface to reveal gleams of sparkle. And it's there where you must put on a sense of trust, patience, and hope [in Christ] to keep digging to get it out and see it for all that it beholds. Then you will truly shine."

The truth hurts more each time, but in the end, it makes us grow into something more beautiful.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

But I don't know if I was ready and waiting to fall this hard.

It's just another story, another passing moment.
You see my heart, you see everything I am... yet... is it not enough?

Christ. You're my only constant. You're the only thing that ever makes sense. And I'm still supposed to love?
Despite everything.

God, grant me peace. deliver hope to my wounded heart. show me what it looks like to trust despite my circumstances. lead me in patience.
Show me how to love like you do, through this... & through my feelings.

Make me shine bright, so they can see, something different in me.

Will he ever see me like You do?

I keep asking why...
Open our eyes.

this world is not enough.

God help me. I can't do this alone. You have a reason for everything.

You'll be my strength. Don't let me go.

be near.

I'm sitting here right now, a few minutes to 4am, listening to the Pandora Bethany Dillon station.

A helicopter is flying over head...

And then wonder sets in...

How often I feel like I'm circling around, carrying something within me that is broken, hurt, and dying.... not knowing if I will crash or land into my destination.

And then, I start listening to the words/lyrics of these songs... I wonder if the artists who sing them really believe it... Do they really believe God is enough, that he has come to save, that he is everything we need?

Because I don't always feel that way...

I think that's natural, but I don't want it to be.

With everything that has been stirring in my heart, how can I doubt things?

I've been sick for over 2 weeks. I didn't feel like doing anything, and just felt tired the whole time. Now I feel like I'm getting back to normal, and I am just READY to see my friends and hug them and smile and laugh and talk!! I feel like I'm a seed in the ground, braving this period of winter, ready to burst through the earth and show everyone who I am!

I kept praying to God to rid the pain I was feeling [since I had a sinus infection- never had one before]. I didn't know how much longer I could endure this pain... but I knew it would be for only a little while longer.... that healing would come in time... and everything would be fine.

Sounds a lot like life.

I don't know what's going on, really. Life is just different than I ever imagined. I'm not where I'd expect myself to be at 25. I figured I'd be married by now, maybe have a child, and have some sort of side job/career.

But I'm single as could be, I don't have any sort of career, and I'm still living at home with my parents.

Gee, sounds great huh?

But maybe there is more there than meets the eye.

I never would be in this place if I had all the other distractions around. And of course, maybe I would get there eventually-- but some people never experience this type of relationship.

It takes a lot of work-- it's been a journey that I am not finished with yet.

And it's funny, when you hear others say how much you have inspired them, and I wouldn't have had that same opportunity to make a difference if I were in any other place but here.

I don't know what that means for me in the long run, but it seems to be revealing itself as I go on...

I encountered God's heart after watching a mini-series on Human Trafficking. Something struck my heart and my soul prayed in a way that I've only experienced one other time. I felt a deep pain and anger that needed to be released. I felt like the word "cages" was being spoken to me, and "Free us."

I have never felt that closeness with the Lord in such a way before in my life.

"Be still & know that I am God."

"Be near to me, and I will be near to you."

My soul longs to be near to you.

A part of me doesn't want to let go, but I feel I already have given it up... maybe it's just the hope for something; I just can't hope anymore... it just isn't good for my heart. But yet, I still want to keep waiting... I'm still adamant... I still want you.

I never wanted to see you go, because when you're in my life, all I ever do is glow...

what am I going to do without you now?

be near. you're all I ever want to know.

I'll always.

“IF eveR thEre is a tomorrow when we’re not togethEr, there is Something you musT always remember. You are braver than you beLieve, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always bE with you.”

double.demons.

• There's been a war waging in my heart recently... It's kind of like I've become captive in this state of mind-- of constant negativity and bad feelings. And trying to draw my mind/heart back to old ways... but I won't give in... I've come too far for this to trip me up... and it just gets stronger. He doesn't want me to win, he wants to push me off stage... but guess what? God is there to catch me.... yet his evil still stares me dead in the eye... he hasn't succeeded, and he wants to.
  He wants to destroy any love in our hearts. He wants us to feel stupid, insignificant, worthless, not good enough.
  But my GOD tells me I am worthy of love, being pursued, and fought for. He sent his SON to die for me, for you, after-all.

  How incredible is that? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE... I don't deserve it, but he wants me to accept it. He wants to win my heart; so what am I going to do? Give in to all the evil things being spoken into my heart? How long have I believed these lies... for far too long... far too long.

  You will not win this fight... you may have "won" some battles, but you will NOT WIN THIS WAR FOR MY HEART.

  my friend was praying for me... and was speaking truth into my heart... and peace came... and the thoughts of "honey" came to mind... and also Bethany Dillon's song, "The Kingdom."

  ---

  Proverbs 24:14
  Know also that wisdom is like honey for you: If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

  Proverbs 16:24
  Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

  Psalm 19:10
  They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter thanhoney, than honey from the honeycomb.

  ---

  "The Kingdom"
  
  It tapped me on the shoulder today when I got home
  I saw everything collecting dust
  It made me hope there was something more
  I pour over pages, desperate to find out why
  The cripple at your table has what I'm longing to find
  
  Teach me how to hum it
  Because I don't know the words yet
  
  Help me see the light
  I'm reaching through the fight
  Yahweh, show me the Kingdom
  Arms open wide
  Death swallowed up by life
  Yahweh, show me the Kingdom
  
  Why are some women barren
  While the wicked's house is full
  The stories never seem to end
  Give me evidence I'm not alone
  You said the weak would be lifted up
  But maybe just not yet
  So while I wait in this flesh and blood
  I'll learn to lean in
  
  Help me see the light
  I'm reaching through the fight
  Yahweh, show me the Kingdom
  Arms open wide
  Death swallowed up by life
  Yahweh, show me the Kingdom

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5skY5dCyy4

  "Fall into his arms and trust him with your heart he loves you and has good things for you... you're doing a good job and he's proud of the ways you've said yes to him and no to sin. Don't get disappointed in yourself; he loves the process and the journey of winning your heart and maturing you... you're really going to be okay Lauren."

  
  

Sunday, 20 February 2011

• To be near

  "you're gonna start to be exposed, right? you get vulnerable. so you don't wanna be shut down... in order for you to be in a place where you know what opening your life to someone looks like, it means making yourself vulnerable. it's not easy to do... here's the thing: strength and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive. they can coexist. there is tremendous strength in being vulnerable. having the conviction to just keep being real and keep being present, that's what strength looks like. in terms of dating or getting to know someone, it's opening your heart; letting them come in, and discovering some things about you. it's just about trusting yourself to let that come out, and let everyone who's experiencing you be inspired by that."

  That last bit just hit me... Wow.
  I love the sincerity of Bethany Dillon's music. "Be Near Me"
  I follow all the rules
  Well, at least I'm trying
  Hoping when my days are through
  You'll be pleased
  I've lived the longest days
  Thinking my heart was so bad
  Too scared to look in your face
  Oh, if only I had
  [Bridge:]
  And is it alright If I stay here all night
  By the shoreline
  [Chorus:]
  I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
  You've done nothing but have compassion on us
  So be near me when I've given up
  Be near me I'm just like everyone else
  We are all hiding
  Acting like I have a wealth Of knowledge and peace
  But all I've ever wanted
  And what men have given their lives for
  Is a God who understands my weaknesses
  A God that I can love
  [Bridge]
  [Chorus]
  I believe you are good and righteous
  You've given me your reckless love
  So be near, be near...
  
  ...I feel like whenever I feel love from God in a real & genuine way, something or some THING tries to destroy the one thing that I long for- in the truest form. I'm not one to say this, but I really do feel like I've been "attacked" spiritually lately, especially before I go to sleep.
  I have never been aware of it as such- & that's what makes the difference, I think. A flood of doubts surface in my heart- & by probability, it makes no sense for my worries. That's how I know what I've been dealing with tries to keep me in a head lock- it's just crazy, & I just want rest.

  And I just want to talk to you... I'm glad you do too... I feel like a flood gate is going to break wide open; and I don't know if I'm prepared for what is to come...

when silence is all you hear, or see.

When we think about it being silent, it tends to have a serious undertone-- and a lot of people cannot handle being quiet, or sitting in silence. I for one, relish in the tranquility that silence can bring;

But not in regards to seemingly unanswered prayers.

This past week has been a challenge for me to actually understand the meaning of silence. Strangely enough, it was exactly what was needed for me.

My heart tends to speak twice as much as it wants to listen. When I run out of things to "say" out loud, my mind begins to wander, my heart begins to flutter, and my emotions start running around in circles, constantly panting and breathing loudly as to drown out the silence all around me.

I think in turn, I was afraid of what God might want to tell me. No, I know that's what it was.

But he really turned my eye to the root problem; or well, at least the surrounding surface of that root. My eyes can only see as much as they want to. I didn't want to think into things, but yet, what did I do? I over-analyzed, worried, and stressed myself out.

And for what?

Philippians 4 tells us to not be anxious about anything, but just to PRAY and ask. Present those requests to the Lord. He will answer in his timing... and maybe we won't always like what he has to say.

I think the part in there that I never focused on was to show gentleness. Sometimes I get caught up in my feelings and thinking my own way, I completely forget that I'm not alone in this, there are others feelings involved; have I be gentle about it, or have I just been thinking about how it's made me feel?

Guilty.

Right now I'm sitting in complete "silence"-- but even with that, I hear the running of my laptop, the clicking taps of the keyboard, and background noise from the expressway--all the cars/trucks passing by in the far distance. It's funny how much you can actually HEAR when you sit in silence, isn't it?

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to Nathan. He was a brother of a friend who was killed in a car accident back in June 09. I have had another vivid dream with him in it a few months ago, actually. But this time, he was hanging out with me and one of my best guy friends whom he was also friends with. I'm not sure how their friendship was, but it sounded like it was shaky at some point. But regardless, Nathan told me to stay close to him, to comfort him, to be there for him. He told me he liked us together. He smiled at us. And then he left....

I woke up feeling a strange sensation, knowing I had another dream with him in it. I honestly don't know why I keep thinking of him; except for the fact that it literally broke my heart to hear of his death [even though I only saw him once]. I could not stop crying and praying for everyone. Nothing like this has ever hit me so much. And I still am unsure why, despite the obvious of course.

I was just watching the movie "Remember Me," and at the end... tears came. My heart stopped when I saw what was happening. I can place myself exactly on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. And the end of this story was not a happy one, of course.... but for a moment, I could feel the pain of those who lost loved ones in a different light. My heart started breaking... all over again.

And then I thought of Nathan.

Here was a boy I never knew, and yet it broke my heart.

And then knowing that he left behind loved ones, a precious girlfriend who fell in love with his heart and his vision and his passions...

I still look at her and want to ask, "how do you go on every day?" I honestly don't know how.

Maybe that sounds quite melodramatic.

But I think of where I am, and to quite possibly have that type of deep friendship, love, for someone I care about greatly-- to see that taken from me at such a young age...

My heart weeps. It breaks. I just cannot imagine. And that is what hurts my heart. I look at her and wonder how she deals with it every day. I look at his parents and wonder how they do it... and his brothers.

And this movie, Remember Me- just shoved that more into my face. These were people who lost loved ones, just like my friend lost his brother.... just like his parents... his friends... his girlfriend.

I'm not sure why, but I really feel compelled to visit where he was buried. Perhaps that sounds very strange, but there is an urgency on my heart... yet I still don't know why.

When you come to a close, all you hear is silence.

And it truly can be so deafening.

But you learn. You move on.

You still have to live your life.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever." --Remember Me

emotions.

"God is considered ultimate healer, his time shall heal all of your broken wounds, and he shall make you bear nothing that you cannot handle. Hold your head high in his strength and you will be healed and wrapped in his love endlessly."

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye...

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Until they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye...

Sometimes, I wonder if this is what love will look like. "It's just a feeling and no one knows yet... but just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget."

I so want to forget everything I feel.

I feel like that's so much easier than dealing with this unrequited love.

I could question so many things; mostly about myself.

Every where I go, I'm reminded of what I don't have...

But also reminded of what I do have.

"You're beautiful... every time I see you... you just glow."

It brings tears to my eyes thinking of this right now. I know it's because of Christ's love that he radiates in me... and people will just come out and say they think I'm beautiful... well, I don't always feel that way...

Actually... it's often that I don't... and I seem so surprised that people say this to me.

It's not me they see, it's Christ in me.

How am I even qualified to be this?

I'm such a broken piece of pottery. I don't understand how I'm found beautiful; but I am.

Over and over again.

Little reminders, every where.

My heart's desire is to be loved, and to be loved in return.

It reminds me so much of the story, "Beauty & the Beast."

So often, I just feel like the Beast... how could anyone learn to love me?

But in the end, my rose doesn't die, it lives.

And the Beauty sees me as for who I am;

someone worth loving.

someone worth waiting for.

someone worth.... it. everything.

I'll come back, back to these feelings... the longing for love.

It's just a feeling that they don't know yet.

Lord knows, when they will know...

because I surely don't.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

God help me.

My emotions get the best of me.

I guess you've saved the best for last...

I just wish it wasn't so far away.

How do you just be OK with it?

How do you just stare it in the eyes, and watch it walk away?

"you were my sweetest downfall, I loved you first, I loved you first."

I guess I'm beginning to understand how much it hurts when something you love, doesn't love you back... even when you love it with everything you have.

deserts into gardens.

I won't give up on the chance for you to blow my mind.

In time will I be what you're thinking of?

So rescue me from hanging on this line.

I've been thinking a lot... and you know what thinking does to your mind?

It mushes it into something sloppy and unformed.

Desire gets the best of you.

How come I can't have what I think I need?

As time normally does, it makes sense. The eleventh hour soon comes and passes, and you come to see that everything you had hoped for, everything you had dreamed for, really mean nothing at all.

It's a brand new day.

Rescue me from hanging on....

It's funny how you think that you have everything together, just to realize you have so much farther to go. But that's okay. It really is okay...

I was reminded of James 1:2-4... To be mature and to not lack any understanding- to persevere- because that's what trials should do. It should make us into something better.

I want to lack nothing.

And be everything I need to be.

I'm so close, but so far away.

But then again, I'm joyful in this. In what God has made me to be. My perseverance has led me to be something I never imaged.

He found the garden that I deserted.

He took my dry land and poured water upon it. over and over again.

Little by little, the green grass grew...

A beautiful picture of redemption.

My garden started to blossom and bloom.

The fragrance of his love was in the midst of it all.

His kind eyes and gentle heart was written all over it.

How overjoyed he must be to see my desert form into a beautiful garden.

I must keep and tend to it, to persevere when the droughts and storms try to destroy what he made. To find shelter in his love. To run to him when I can do no more.

To understand.

To lack nothing.

Because a lot of times, I think too much. I sit in the corner of my garden and idly watch the weeds grow and overshadow the beautifulness that he formed within me.

I forget and grow weary. I cry out in my hurt, because I don't understand.

My own roses grow thorns that prick me... when all I need to do is let HIM cut them away.

He knows.

I don't need to constantly sit in that corner and watch everything turn back into dust.

Again.

He knows...

He'll guide the way for someone to see my beautiful garden in all its splendor.

And when he does, it will be made beautiful in its time.

Maybe he's got a garden of his own to tend right now.

Or maybe I'm patiently waiting for something that is not good for me.

But He knows.

Everything.

The seed of worry can grow and bury its roots deep; but God's love will pull out any seeds of remembrance that worry even existed.

I'm hoping and waiting.

It's a beautiful thing as I watch my garden grow and blossom into something I never quite pictured...

Some day, you'll discover my secret garden... the way I found it too.

Some times, all you have to do is keep on growing... because chances are, it's been there all this time... you just had to grow a little taller in order to see it.

I'm not sure what you're molding me into, but that's okay; You are the potter and I am the clay. Change this something normal into something beautiful.

my journey through Oz.

It's a funny idea to think that my story relates so much to the movie "The Wizard of Oz." Come to think of it, I think a lot of us can relate.

First, we've been taken captive in our own home--the so-called place of "safety." Also relating to our heart being our home. We huddle under our beds because the twister has taken us afloat in the air; not knowing where we are going to land. We come across this city paved in gold; and along the journey, we meet a cowardly lion, an empty tin man, and a brainless scarecrow.
Some how or another, I can see my reflection in each one of these characters.
I'm Dorothy-- wearing these beautiful ruby slippers; I am this lost princess; not knowing how to get back to my King, my Kingdom. And there is an evil lurking around me, trying to take me captive; trying to make me believe the lies that are spoken-- the ones that attack my heart and soul. And then I'm left wondering if there are bits of truth in them.
I'm left stranded. Alone. Lost.
In a foreign land.
How has this become my home?

So often, we just want to hide away, under our beds, because we feel more safe. But how does feeling safe equate to anything? It doesn't.
We have too much to give to the world to be anything BUT safe!
We may not believe it to be true, but nevertheless, other people believe in us.
And most importantly, God believes in us.

~Like the tin man with no heart, "If you lose yourself, you have lost all. If the process of relational discovery and investment costs you your soul [your HEART]. it is too much. You must believe with a stubborn confidence that the you God has made, and is making, is beautiful. You must believe this despite what the failures might tell you. You must believe this despite words to the contrary." You must come to love your heart with everything you have. It is what connects you to God.
>>Wizard of Oz: A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.
~Like the cowardly lion, if you lose yourself to YOURSELF, you have lost all. But God produces the courage to press on, to move on, to begin again. He has redeemed your heart. Because you are a CHILD of GOD, "He comes that you might know who you are and know it in the fullest. This means that in the relational economy Satan cannot steal enough to leave you broke. He cannot rob you blind unless you fail to see beyond his lies."
>>Wizard of Oz: You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom.
~And like the brainless scarecrow, we often DO NOT think! We're caught up in these web of lies that come to destroy and kill us. We end up not even using our logical sense, our brains. We end up looking the scarecrow, filled with straw. The enemy tells us that we are NOT special. Who do we think we are to think such nonsense? "You think you're beautiful!? HA! Yeah right. Just look at you. Who would ever want to love you?" And our brain stops working. We start talking ourselves into this nonsense. We need to start USING the knowledge we know and tell him to back off, that we are special, we are LOVED! We were created in his image-- a child of his own. Just as if you have your own child, who is created in YOUR image, wouldn't you love them with EVERYTHING you have? Of course!

Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.

"You are beloved of God, a child of God, cherished, beautiful, and a saint. Think this beautiful thought, "you are of Christ, and Christ is of God" (1 Cor. 3:23). These things are hard to hear sometimes when your heart aches for something tangible, something tactile to hold, but this is a beautiful truth. We are in Christ, and Christ is in God. We are very special, and God forgets none of us."

I'm in pure joyful state as I write this to you all. It's incredible how much My Father loves... even me. How do I so easily not believe this, and better yet, forget this?
-Like the tin man, I end up trying to get by in life without my heart; because if I let myself be vulnerable and open, I will get hurt. Disappointed. Rejected.
But how dare I live with no heart. That is not living. That is death.

-Like the cowardly lion, I end up being scared of what I could become. I end up hiding under my covers because it's safer there. I don't think someone like myself can make much of a difference in the world. Who am I anyway? But that's just it! By being afraid, by having no courage, I am belittling EVERYTHING God created me to be. I am not using the gifts he has given me. I am not doing everything in my power to create change. We need to be courageous. Step out. [I'm seeing this so clearly in my own life!] When we risk, that's when we'll grow more secure in God's LOVE for us. You don't act unwisely, but with clear guidance, we can move forward from our fearful passivity to faith-filled action. God has our back. And you may not change the entire world, but you'll change the entire world of someone else.

-Like the brainless scarecrow, I keep believing in these lies that are out to destroy me. How easily I believe them without using my brain! That's what it's there for, anyway. We're so intricately designed! We have a brain for a reason. Where has my knowledge been? Perhaps it's been hiding behind the cowardly lion & the heart-less tin man. How have I just let the birds peck away at my entire being without batting an eye? Enough! Use your brain.

Hunk: Now look here, Dorothy, you ain't using your head about Miss Gulch. You'd think you didn't have any brains at all.
Dorothy: I have so got brains.
Hunk: Well, why don't you use them? When you come home, don't go by Miss Gulch's place. Then Toto won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
Dorothy: Oh Hunk, you just won't listen, that's all.
Hunk: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.

And like Dorothy... We can't forget our role here. She got swept up in a twister and is now trying to find her way back home. This land she has been acquainted with is not her home.
Just like us.
We have this identity all our own. We were created in our Father's image; we are called to reflect His glory. So often, we get lost, we can't find our way back home, and we listen to the whispers in the shadows. But don't let it steal your identity! Don't give yourself away. Time and time again, I have to say this to myself. And you know what? We are the princes and princesses of the great King.
Believe it.

Live it.

Tin Woodsman: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

"We were made for love. We love because HE first loved us.
It is not only what we do it is WHO WE ARE. Loving becomes us.

Beneath all the lies, you are who you are because HE is who He is.
That, no one can steal from you."

Let's find our way back home together.
Let's work on cultivating out hearts together.
Let's encourage one another to be courageous & not be afraid.
Let's discern the wisdom we have been provided & use it for good.
Let's live a life worthy of the calling we have received.

But don't lose yourself in what you're trying to find. You're already something; Just let yourself shine. [the.photographers]

*[Quotations are taken from the article "The Relational Economy: Identity Theft" http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11639546/]

the way you love

what a beautiful discovery.

the way you love me enough to protect me from something I can't see.

the way you answer my prayer in a way that I didn't expect.

the way you guide me.

the way you set a seal upon my heart,

to hold on to something greater.

my worries overcast the joy of you and what I could see

you want to show me your best

and here I am to second guess.

the way you love

is more than I can comprehend

you are so good to me.

All I can do is smile.

To be joyful,

even in this longing.

I don't need to worry,

why do I focus so much attention on that little dot

when there is glory all around me to see?

why worry?

because you KNOW.

YOU KNOW!

Everything.

You will not harm me

You are watching over me

You are the king who is protecting my heart

You are fighting away the bad [he isn't good enough for you]

To reveal and guide the good.

The best.

Because that's what I'm waiting for.

Hope.

Because he's coming.

He is nearer than I expect

I'm praying for something real

For you to guide him here in the right time.

I'm getting ready, & maybe I'm a little late.

But there's some extra time to prepare.

I questioned if I was ready

But I've been waiting here a long time.

I'm worth reaching for

And I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth

going ahead & picking me.

the best is found in you

meeting at the center of your love

because I was made to be fought for, forever.

what a beautiful discovery you will be.

what a beautiful discovery you are.

Are You Sure?

"Are You Sure?" by Bethany Dillon

I've written you a lot of songs
The kind you write on rainy days
Unrequited love
But now I'm humming a different tune
Just twelve hours ago
I was sitting on a bench with you

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I tried to say, I want this to work
And yet take off the weight
If you change your mind, I won't hurt forever
Because I don't know what else to do
But I'd do anything to have three more hours on a bench with you

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

Everything within me doesn't want to risk
Doesn't want to risk anymore
But if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I'll risk so much more

I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I won't be full of second guesses
So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet it is...

These lyrics just hit me. I couldn't have written it better.

I think the trouble with intertwining your trust with someone else is that, we don't want to run the risk of being hurt again.

Been there, done that.

And I question.

I wonder if I'm good enough.

Are you sure you want me?

I was scared that I would just be rejected. again.

Is that what happened?

By trying to protect my heart, I reverted into someone I wasn't.

There is so much else I want to say...

What if I don't say enough?

But what if it would change your mind?

I guess I'd like some peace of mind.

How do you know what's right?

I don't know anymore.

Do I ever cross your mind?

Do you even care?

God, help me.

Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it; I should just let you be. But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough to give my mind some peace...

You Are For Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo

I was watching this video of Kari Jobe's song, "You Are For Me," and I felt like this is my song.

"I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that you have come down, even if to ride upon my heart. To remind me who you are."

So often I forget this. Life gets in the way.

I'm so broken. Discontent.

I worry. I wonder.

I let things get the best of me.


I get swept up in things. Over-thinking. Worrying. Wondering. Hoping. Expecting.

I'll be the first to admit that I still get insecure about myself. It's been a long journey that has been so painful, but in the midst of it all, the Lord has shown himself in me-- that he loves me just as I am. I don't know if the insecure root will ever really go away; but I try my best to not let it grow into something it used to be. Because God knows I'm worth it. He's so patient and loving. It took me long enough to realize his love for me, to be OKAY with who I am. That no matter what, he's always going to love me; he's always going to pursue me.
And I'm so in love with the way he loves me.

Sometimes I don't think about how I may come across. I guess I'm so full of happiness that is inside of me now, that it spills over into encouragement to others; encouraging them on to be something better, that sometimes I forget that it takes people time to trust and fully accept that THAT is you, nothing else but you. They may get the wrong impression. They may get scared.
I'm not a cautious lover.
And maybe I should be.

I try to protect my heart from things. But so easily I jump into them every time.
I think the only thing I can really jump into with no thoughts of worry, is the love of Christ.
Because I know he wants me to dive in so deep, because he pursues my heart every day.
And I think I just jump in without thinking. Without considering that someone else is in this.
Maybe they are just as scared to let someone in, as I was before.
I guess all to say, I'm not scared anymore.

I want to be hidden, but the light peeks through the crack of the door.
I want someone to wonder what is shining so bright behind it.
I want someone to not be afraid to swing open the doors,
To stand in awe,
And see something beautiful.


I'm so ready and waiting to fall.

But maybe I need to be patient for something greater than this.
I want something that is worth waiting for.

Lord, give me your eyes to see
Your plans. Your word.
To remind me who you are.
That you know everything.

That you are for me.

So Let's Be Honest.

so let's be honest.

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What a difference a year can make... even from this. God is good! [[Psalm 16:8~I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.]]

Taken from my Facebook note.

Monday, July 20, 2009 at 6:43am | Edit Note | Delete

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10


Am I found beautiful? I asked myself last night.
I don't mean merely based on physical beauty, though I tend to doubt that at times.
Many emotions were surfacing as I turned the car off.
It was quiet.
Dark.
I just flipped off my mp3 when the radio popped on, and I heard the song by Jonny Diaz entitled "More Beautiful You."
Impeccable timing, God.

"There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do, So there could never be a more beautiful you..."

Really, are you sure?

Quietly, I exited out my car and walked outside. It is a beautiful, starry night. The cold crisp air sent chills through my body, but I had to spend a moment outside, staring up at the stars.
"God, do you find me beautiful? Me, Lauren? Someone you created?"
-"Yes, more beautiful than all the stars combined. More precious than the stars in the sky."
"Are you sure? Why?"
-"Well, why wouldn't I?"

Well...Because I hear quiet whispers of lies and mask disguises on desires.
That looks good, I think... but is it good for me?
Am I worth it?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Okay. I'm done. Really.
I'm just tired of my weaknesses. When I fall into something, I fall hard. When I love, I love deeply. When I'm gifted at something, I'm crazy about it. And when something is on my mind, I analyze, dissect, to try and figure it out.
The details. The unknown.
I want the map to this road because I don't know where it leads...

When I was sitting outside, I had many mixed emotions. It didn't help I had to say goodbye, for now, to a dear friend.
I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given sweet friendships with dear girls. They all came into my life at the right time. It's so clear to me. When I was younger, I would just pray that God would allow me to have those "special" friends that no matter the distance or our differences, we would always be friends, no matter what. It's a bond that you can't break. I never thought I'd have that, but I do. I adore our time together and our chats. I love the gift of friendship.

And it just made me realize more and more, the significance of timing.

Yes..."He has made everything beautiful in its time."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Okay, so here's what I've got. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a love that never ends from a glorious God.
But my heart still asks.
It questions, worries, wonders, hurts...
and it doubts.

Thoughts entered my mind as I was just pouring out my heart...
-You are beauty redeemed.-
-You are a Lily of the Valley.-
-You are the essence of beauty.-

And what does that mean?

To be a beauty, redeemed....
God set free my beauty by his sacrifice.
He dwells inside my beauty.
He is seen through my beauty.

Lily of the Valleys...
They are one of my favorite flowers.
They are a delicate, bell-shaped flower with a fragrance under it.
The fragrance of his Love.

The essence of beauty...
The intrinstic definition of beauty.
The fragrance of beauty.
The basic element of what it means to be beautiful.

You find me this way, really?


To say I was speechless in a simple moment, would be the best way to describe it.


What I'm finding out is...
I'm discovering beauty.
That means, I'm finding out who I am...
So... what now?

Just wait.
Why is that so hard to do?
It's hard to wait for something your heart was designed for.
It's painful.
But it's hopeful.
It grieves.
But it gives.
It loves,
And it can provide comfort to others who need it.

I'm in a whirlwind of realness.
I have come so far from where I've been.
I wouldn't even recognize who I used to be.
And it's only because I gave my heart into his hands.
And I said, "Here I am."
...I know He isn't finished with me yet.

Two-to-three years ago, my heart was very cold and hardened. My eyes were focused on worldly things. Who was God to me? A long-lost friend I chose to lose contact with. I shut him out completely. I didn't want what he had to offer me. I didn't want the road he had for me. I wanted my own life.
Because of my decisions, a reputation was made. A loss of time I'll never get back. A period of my life where I was drained completely.
Mistakes I knew I was making.
Addictions. Manipulation. Scorn.
To feel yourself lost in a cold, dark place with no lights, no sound, no fragrance of his love, is a very lonely place to be.
I was wrapped up in trying to help someone else rather than helping myself. I couldn't be their god. I couldn't be anything because of where I was at.
I was too content playing in the puddles, that I didn't want to see a beautiful ocean on the horizon, very much in my reach, if I chose to give up my desires.
Give up my addictions, my pain, my hurt? It was the only thing I had left to hold onto in my heart.
But oh, what a break-through.
He desires me. All of me. [And He desires you just the same.]
How many times did I have to hear this for it to seep into my heart?
...Many.
But I heard. I listened. He grabbed me as tight as he could when I was standing on the edge from falling.
The only voice I heard was His. An ever-constant friend. He took every opportunity to show me his love.
It's more than I deserved.
To give over my hurts, pains, addictions- -
That was the beauty of it all.
The very last lock of my heart slowly came off.
The very essence of his beauty radiated into my soul. His love. His perfection.
He redeemed me. [Isaiah 44:22]
I returned to him. My friend. My God.

It's been nothing but endless breaking and heartache, but it was to rebuild the scattered pieces that were broken.
He is our ultimate knight in shining armor, our Prince. He will do anything to protect us, to love us, to cherish us. He loves this sinner so much, that he died so I could LIVE.

*A Beauty Redeemed*

To doubt my beauty in him? Now? After all this time?

...Now I was asking why.

I'm figuring this out as I go, so let's be honest. Why do we hold onto things that are bad for us? Perhaps it is our desires for certain things, but more importantly, what is holding us back from our full potential?
Is it your addiction to ____?
Is it your need for _____?
Is it your desire for _____?
Let's get serious.
Why are you still living in a world that has nothing to offer you? It can't possibly buy you happinesss. It can't buy you love.
It can't give, it only takes.
What is this world taking from you?
Why are you holding on so tightly to your pain? Why are you covering up your wounds by doing things that are harmful to you? I'm telling you right now, from what I went through, you are just suffocating yourself from what God desires of you. You're being deceived & controlled. It's about time you wake-up. Stop using your pain as an excuse to not reach your potential.
Is it worth it?


You know, maybe I don't understand his timing. No, cross that out. I DO NOT understand his timing. I really don't think any of us ever do.
So the constant buzz in my ears hear, "the wait will be worth it."
Okay. Okay.
I can't help but doubt at times; it's inevitable.
But in my heart I know it's true.
But the whole, "once you give up your desires to God & are content with him having your whole heart, that's when he'll provide for you [a spouse]."
Umm, so yeah, no. Don't even go there.
I wish for that lie to fall into a firey pit of all our hurts-- because it surely would burn.

I wonder why...
I am still where I am.
the scattered friends I have left are slowly going one by one.
feelings aren't reciprocated.
the timing isn't right yet.
I see the character, strength, honesty, love & wild spirit of a heart.
my heart has changed in more ways than I could express.
I wonder why... about a lot of things.
So I see this greater journey I'm not on yet.
Not greater by importance compared to mine, but the desire of it.
So what's left for me?

I'm left with more than I could ever imagine.
I am found beautiful.
I am the essence of beauty.
For God loved me so much, to place his beauty in me, for all to see, to bring Him glory.
To place the innocence back in me to see it through the eyes of a little girl.
It's so simple, divine.
It isn't so complicated afterall.

So let's be honest. True beauty isn't what is seen, but what is unseen. To radiate the heart & love of God, to find your purpose in him; you will be noticed, admired, loved, cherished.


If God allows this very road on which I'm on, to cross the path at the time in which he sees, then I will be all the more joyous in my discovery.
I am being prepared for something greater than what I could ever imagine; more than what this life has to offer me.
If at the end of the road I find myself staring at the starlit sky, I will know the unsurpassable joy by the one who created it.
I will have run the race with all my heart.
I will give until there's nothing left.
I will have loved so deeply, because of how He lives in me.
He will finish what he has started, even when I don't know when that will be.
The best I know is yet to come.
And the last thing I hear right now is,
"Wait on Me."




"...I'm waiting on You, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait..."
-'while I'm waiting' ~John Waller

Something Bigger.

"It is enough to deal with one's own sinful heart than to throw in the mix of another. It takes time. He continued to pray for her, that she would hold on until he could come meet her there."

I'm hoping that's where you're at. That you're praying for me, as I am praying for you.

I will admit I have fallen a time or two from this prayer for your heart-- but it's something I feel tugging on my heart as the closer I feel we get.

Maybe it's just a wild dream I wish to play out in reality.

But maybe it's not.

I think of times where I feel so alone, but then I'm constantly reminded of all the love around me-- from family, friends, and from the Lord-- he constantly is after my heart. When I feel I'm drifting away, he runs out to bring me back in. He's never going to let go. He's never going to walk away from me. Only I did that to myself. For so long... I walked away.

But now that I've made mistakes, matured, and see things from a different perspective, I see something flourishing from the fruit I have planted. And with his help, he is pruning away the bad, to reveal the good. The fruit produced in my waiting.

It was hard and painful, like I always say; but it was worth it. This is worth it.

I may tease about being "practically perfect in every way"-- the line I like to use from "Mary Poppins"-- But I am far from it.

Surprise.

Sometimes I convince myself that I don't deserve it.

And "it" being finding love.

I guess the dreamy, chronic-romantic in me hopes so much that he's in reach, that he's so close to me. I feel this more-so now than ever before. Marriage doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did before. I don't think that it has to be scary when someone else is there holding you throughout it all. For better or worse-- that commitment remains. Forever.

I suppose that was the main scary part that I felt I wasn't good enough for that.

But maybe it was because I wasn't ready to hold another's heart as close as I hold mine.

It's interesting the analogy the Lord uses as the vine & branches, and how we bare fruit-- from our lives.

And my friend used to always say to me-- "Lauren, you are an apple atop of the tree. Wait for the man who dares to reach up and get you."

I don't think I thought I was that special for a very long time.

That I was just another apple on the ground-- getting kicked around, walked past, stumbled upon.

Nothing special.

But that apple rotted. It died.

The seeds remained.

They planted something deep within the earth-- cultivating something beautiful to be seen.

But it wasn't my time yet.

I was growing.

Mending and forming for a new birth.

The fragrance of his love.

The little sprout began to grow.

Like the branches, it became sturdy in strength from his love.

Tender care.

Pruning away.

The blossom started to be seen.

The fruit from my heart is showing.

Here I am.

An apple on top of the tree.

Waiting for you to see me.

Waiting for you to dare and reach for me.

We will stand amazed in the discovery of each other.

I have no doubts about that.

I think he's silently praying right now.

Making sure it's right-- that he's right where he needs to be.

He's scared to reach, but the Lord will provide the peace.

He will give him the strength he needs to win over my heart.

I believe this with all my heart.

This is the something bigger

That I've waited for.